Friday, January 30, 2009

Horoscopes

Well, today is my best friend Pablo's birthday. And I can't help but think back to when we met...gosh, now that would take a 10,000 word post at least, we'll get to that sometime. But anyway, when we met I remember asking when his birthday was and what his "sign" was. He told me he didn't believe in it, but I was really into it. I thought it was somehow fate that we had come together since we're only 4 days apart--and a year, but let's not dwell on the fact I'm older.

Anyway, I've been thinking about that today, about how obsessed people can be with astrology. One of the longest-held and best friends I have is Jen. I truly love her, we have been through so much together since kindergarten! We have done a lot of stupid things together, too, but I won't get into that here either! Jen is really into astrology. She puts a lot of stock into how astrology really dictates how a person is, who they are and how they act. I used to put a lot of stock in it, too, as well as many other occult studies.

For a lot of people astrology is simply something fun, reading their horoscope from the Sunday paper just to see how accurate it was. That's how it started for me. I simply thought it was cool how "accurate' it was sometimes. That grew into getting books about it, and studying out charts, figuring out rising signs and moon phases. It was a slow progression full of justifications.

"God made the planets and stars, so surely it's OK to look at this stuff. He made them, so He must have made astrology, too."

"Why does astrology have to be of the devil? God is much more powerful, so this power must come from Him."

These are the kinds of justifications that people would and will tell me in order to make looking at astrology OK. And unfortunately I believed it, or at least accepted it in order to do what I wanted.

The Bible says not to mess with astrologers or any other 'Spiritualist'. Not because it's more powerful than God, because the devil is already defeated and he knows it. But because the devil knows our interests, our weaknesses, ways to tempt us, he knows us better than we probably know ourselves. He's studied us from the beginning. God tells us not to mess with that stuff because He wants to keep us from pain.

How could astrology hurt? Well, I suppose if it was truly just something fun to do, not something to potentially draw us away from God, it wouldn't be of any consequence because it's not real. But, the danger is that people put stock into it and start looking to the astrologer for answers instead of God, they make it their god. God tells us in the Ten Commandments to have no other gods before Him, and astrology for many is a god. It was a god for me.

I nearly lost my soul forever playing with fire in the occult, things that people do every day and never even think twice about. I am not overreacting here, I am testifying to personal experience with this dark realm. All it took was a taste of astrology to get me much deeper into occult practices.

Please be careful in all that you do. Think about the things you read, the shows you watch: how many people watch Medium, Ghost Whisperer, Most Haunted? These were some staples in my TV diet. I had to delete channels from my TV in order to curb the temptation. I have to avoid books, magazine articles and internet sites that may tempt me.

I pray that all of you at least think about what I've said. And don't take my word for it, take God's Word for it. There are plenty of scriptures that tell you not to meddle with this stuff. I'm reading Jeremiah 27 right now:

"'So do not listen to your prophets, your diviners, your interpreters of dreams, your mediums or your sorcerers...They prophesy lies to you...They are prophesying lies to you, I have not sent them,' declares the Lord. 'They are prophesying lies in my name. Therefore, I will banish you and you will perish, both you and the prophets who prophesy to you.'" (NIV)

That's one of many. Do a study and search them out. You can use a concordance online to search for specific words in the Bible. You can view the Bible online as well. I just found a good resource for all sorts of Bible study: www.crosswalk.com. It's worth it to at least know what the Bible has to say about it, don't you think?

So, that's a little bit about astrology from my experience. I have a lot to share with you about my experience in the occult, the lies the devil told me in order to get me there, the lies I decided to believe in order to stay there. I pray this helps you. Let me know if you have any questions about this; I'd be happy to share more with you.

:) Jan

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Obsession of Appearance

I've been watching a makeover show and have been thinking about how crazy the world is over appearances.

I have a horrible self-image and really despise myself for how I look. I have always fought feeling incredibly ugly and disgusting because of my weight. I have so many deep-seeded personal issues over how I look, and really how I feel that others see me.

I truly wish I didn't put so much stock into how others view me, whether it be in terms of how I look or my personality. I guess it comes from my childhood, and in particular how my father treated me and how he made fun of me or lashed out when he was angry. I have recently started seeing a counselor in an effort to be free of so many issues that are holding me back from just being completely myself. I know that a lot of the reactions I have towards people or situations are a result of how my father treated me. He has been gone over 6 years now, but it has truly only been in the last year that I have begun to get over how much stock I put into what he thought of me. Even dead, he controlled how I dealt with life.

Again, I owe seeing these things to my best friend, Pablo. He is the only person who ever really called me out on things and made me see the truth. I'm sure other people may have thought about it, but nobody else said anything but him. Our relationship is truly special. I know I drive him crazy, and sometimes he really hurts me, but I believe that both of us are growing and trying to help each other become better people and to have a better relationship.

Anyway, my dad always made me feel that I was never good enough, never was smart enough, never could come up with whatever it was that he was looking for. I can say that through the years I based every other relationship I've had on the principals I learned from him: be what people want you to be; try to be invisible as much as possible; entertain in order to keep others happy and avoid making them angry at or disappointed in you; wait for people to tell you what to do--you won't do it right if you try to do it on your own and your ideas aren't really worth anything anyway; anytime you get into a situation in which someone is angry, just hunker down and take the abuse until they're through and then try to fix whatever's broken. There are many more things, but these are the most common ones that rear their ugly heads and make my relationships so difficult.

So with all of these thoughts in my head, with being overweight which my father and others ridiculed me for so much and made me feel ugly, with not having many relationships in my life with men, and with down-right feeling that I look ugly in almost every way--add to these that the world is so obsessed with beauty and that I in every way am opposite of the definition of beautiful--I doubt that I will ever think anything different. It truly makes my heart hurt. I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel sexy and desirable, but I don't know how that could possibly ever happen.

I am trying to accept myself, though, and to try to make my heart beautiful. I'm hoping that it will be enough to be beautiful on the inside. I believe that it's possible, for a woman to be so beautiful on the inside that a man loves her for that. But, gosh, what hurts is that, even if that happened for me, he would still think I'm ugly. So, I guess even if it sounds selfish, I just want someone to think I'm beautiful. I'm afraid that makes me shallow.

But then, I just remembered a little boy that came up to me once at church and said, "You are so beautiful!" Oh, that made my heart soar! So, I guess, somebody has at least once thought I was beautiful, so that's good. I don't think I'll ever forget that day, and I know he meant it. I thank God He sent him to say it! Someday I hope I see that little guy again so I can thank him for his beautiful heart! But I just wish a man would say it to me and mean it, really mean it, you know?

One of the most hurtful things that people say to me--and I don't think that they even consider how it sounds--but they say, "You would be so pretty if you lost weight." Hmm, ok, well, thanks I guess. So, if I would be pretty if I lost weight, and right now I'm fat, then that means right now I'm ugly. Thank you for only deepening my self-loathing. If I didn't already think I was ugly, you surely sealed the deal. Thanks, I needed that!

I wish that this world was not driven by looks. I wish that what I look like didn't matter. I wish that how I look didn't completely shock and disgust me. I wish, I wish, I wish, but here I am. So, I am going to work on loving myself as I am, where I am, how I am, and pray that God will help me to truly see that I am beautiful in every way.

:) Jan

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My Head Hurts

Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.

I can't seem to get anything out tonight, nothing very coherent anyway. I have a headache, not so unusual, but it's getting the best of me and stealing my good thoughts. I have other pain, too, of course, my ever-present fibromyalgia pain, as well as my good old buddy osteoarthritis. He's bad especially in my hands today. I think that's also part of the problem with me, I can't type very fast and so my brain and hands both not working is making this nearly impossible.

I'm rambling about absolutely nothing now, so I guess better quit. I'm very tired, too, because I fought very hard to stay awake today--I am trying to reset my schedule to try and get up earlier in the mornings. Life begins so early and I'm usually up 'til the wee hours or don't get a restful sleep at all. Then darn it if somebody doesn't call and wake me up!?! I've been on a new medication, too, that is making me really exhausted and rather zombie-like, but I think it's getting better since I stayed up all day long today. I may be paying for it now, though!

Sleep is what I miss the most, I think. I can't remember when it was that I actually woke up and felt rested. It's literally had to have been years because I can't remember! I battle fits of insomnia, sometimes can't sleep because of the pain, or headache, or stress, so I don't know how well tonight's going to go anyway, or my brain won't be quiet long enough for me to relax, or then there's the Restless Leg Syndrome.

RLS is so weird. I remember watching the commercials and thinking, yeah sure, my legs feel weird but I don't have that. Ha! When I had a sleep study done they said my feet and legs moved all night long! I still thought they were just overreacting, but then I quit taking the medication for it--well, I didn't have insurance at the time and couldn't afford it--I about went nuts with how much my legs crawled. I literally wanted to peel the skin off of my legs it was so bad!

But, anyway...I just don't get much rest. So I'm tired. And I usually end up taking a nap in the middle of the day. And those naps tend to last like 4 hours and I sometimes don't even hear the alarm or the phone to wake up. When I sleep too long then I really can't seem to get to sleep at night. So, we know one of the biggest keys to being healthy is sleep--and I'm just not getting it! It's a big key for fibromyalgia, too....

Sometimes I swear I'm going to absolutely have a psychotic episode I'm so tired and at my wits' end from not sleeping. I feel like if I don't sleep I will just literally explode. And I don't mean exploding temper, I mean really just blow up like a bomb! It's bizarre. It's like I'm a ticking bomb and about to go off. It's actually how I feel inside, my heart and mind both pulsate. I don't like those nights and days very much, and unfortunately they seem to be more frequent these days.

I think this is going to turn into a full-blown migraine because my left eye is drooping and the light is starting to make me feel nauseated. So, I have got to get out of here. I hope this wasn't too crazy or painful, but you know, I think it helped me to get that off my chest, so thanks!

:) Jan

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Return of Weight Watchers

I am fat and I am tired of it. And, I have decided that I will lose weight now.

I am publishing on the WWW for the entire planet to have access, my weight as of yesterday: 274.1 pounds. That number is surreal to me, but it is not the most I have ever weighed. My largest number was 305.6 pounds in January of 2007.

Disgusted? I am. Why did I get to this point? Many reasons and excuses I could give you. Being an insulin-dependent Type II diabetic makes it very difficult. Being on over 22 pills of medication a day makes it difficult. Being a food addict makes it difficult--and let me tell you, I have battled those issues since I was at least 3 and they are deeply ingrained in my actions. Having severe pain from fibromyalgia makes it difficult to want to exercise.

But bottom line, there is no reason I have gotten to this morbidly obese point greater than the fact that I have not used self-control to overcome it. Do I have reasons that losing weight is harder for me than most people? Yes. Just because it's harder, does that mean I should just give up then? Nope.

I can do this. But I need to focus and work at it. There is no room for half-way this time. I have lost weight before, I can do it again. But this time it's for the right reasons.

In the past I have lost weight in order to get a man. My greatest yearning is to be in love with the most wonderful man in the world, the one that I know God has prepared for me. I believe he is out there. But I have always made that my reason to lose weight. I have always felt that a man wouldn't or couldn't love me because I was too fat. I felt like that 100 pounds ago.

Anyway, in 1999 I got down to around 210, which I hadn't weighed in over 5 years. The reason was that I was 25 and decided that I needed a man, needed to be in a relationship, needed to be married. So I lost about 25 pounds and I felt really good. I was exercising, people were noticing. I went on the hunt.

I started going onto free online dating sites. I met some very...interesting...men. Some scary, some boring, some crazy, but that summer I found a man that would love me and so I married him after knowing him about 5 weeks. It was a complete disaster. We didn't know each other at all, he had so many issues from his past, I just wanted to be loved and didn't really love him. Bottom line, I can tell you the actual moment I knew I should just walk away from the situation but decided to marry him anyway.

Of course, I ended up gaining weight after we were married, much more than I had even lost. The more depressed I got, the more I ate, the more I weighed, the more depressed I became, the more I ate.... A vicious cycle. I was diagnosed as diabetic during this time. Looooooooong story short, we divorced in 2001, and me at the weight of about 250.

I have tried to lose weight for men my entire life. I did it in grade school. I remember I would either eat a hot roll or an ice cream bar for lunch, and hardly anything at home. I lost a lot of weight, and of course everybody said I looked great, but I can only imagine the damage I had done to my body, let alone the damage to my psyche. I was still unhappy, even though I was 'skinny'. Anytime a man took notice of me at all I would instantly start to diet and make sure he would know I was losing weight. What a terrible roller coaster it has been.

I am so blessed to see all of this. I spent so many years in denial, in excuses, whatever. Do I think it's going to be easy? No way. I have too many years of incorrect thinking and reacting to overcome for it to come easily. I know that this time. Before I just muddled through hoping I would have it lucky this time. I think I see things much more clearly this time and this will make the difference.

So, my very good friend Eve and I have been talking, and she is successfully doing Weight Watchers. I'm very proud of her. She has lost at least 35 pounds and is feeling better and interacting with her children better. I know she will definitely encourage, motivate and inspire me. I have done Weight Watchers twice before so I know I can do it. I understand the program and it's actually quite easy to follow. The hard part is being honest and real about it.

Today I made some chicken fajita-type stuff and measured out my different components to make sure I was portioning properly--man do we over-portion in this society! Anyway, while measuring out my cheese, one of my favorite foods on earth aside from Reese's peanut butter cups, I had the old urge to make it a 'heaping' 1/4 cup as I would have done in the past. But this time I caught myself and was like, "You are only hurting yourself if you do that and you will fail. If that is your choice, then go ahead and quit now." Believe me, that was a break-through.

I have only eaten once today, which is wrong. I have so many bad habits to change and I need to get on a better schedule. When I did my points for the meal, though, it ended up being almost as much as my minimum for the whole day! I know I need to make much better choices, and I am going to be held back by my lack of money to buy better quality foods, but I will have to work through it. Just because it's hard I can't give up.

That's what I have always done. Too hard? Didn't get the response I wanted? I quit.

Well, not this time. I think I'm getting to the point if I don't change this now I won't have much time left to change it ever. And for crying out loud, at 35 years old, no matter what's been done to me, no matter what has happened, I make the final decision. Well, this time I am deciding to do it. I'm going to screw up, that's certain, but at least I'm screwing it up trying instead of being too lazy or selfish and choosing to fail.

:) Jan

Monday, January 26, 2009

No more agendas.

I have started many a blog, well, five to be exact. So, what makes this one different?

I have no agenda this time.

I want to share all sorts of things with all sorts of people. I have many things to talk about, many things to get off my chest, and I hope that through it all I can help someone, somewhere feel a little better about their situation.

I have been molested, raped, mentally abused. I have battled depression, anxiety, a food addiction. I have been diagnosed with myriad illnesses including fibromyalgia, Type II diabetes, and hypothyroidism. I lost my job last July due to missing so much work from my illnesses.

I have no money, I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, I look like crap, I feel like crap, but you know what, I'm tired of just being sick and tired. My best friend Pablo asked me last night--on the eve of my birthday, so yes, today I am 35--"So what if your health never improves? What if you don't receive healing? Are you going to just wait forever? What are you going to do with your life?"

I was incredibly upset and hurt--truth hurts, doesn't it? I have been waiting for healing, waiting for some sort of revelation. I don't know what it "is" that I am supposed to do. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Is anybody going to tell me? I guess not. I guess I'm going to have to decide for myself. Like I read in a book once, "Am I making a difference today?"

Well, I'm going to try and make a difference with this blog. I'm going to be as real as I can and be as truthful and honest about my life. I hope that I can help you, and that through that I will find help. Let me know if there's something on your mind or you want to know something. Let's help each other!

:) Jan