Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Feeling So Alone

When I think of all the people that I know, those that I count as close friends, I don't think that any of them has gone through being molested at a very young age like I have. I feel so alone.

The past couple of days have been so intense. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my past, I feel like there's so much more underneath the surface that I need to get out.

I almost feel panicked about it. I don't like the feeling of wanting to run away and hide. I felt this way my whole life up until about age 25 when I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I don't feel that anxiety defines me, I just feel that the label defines how I feel sometimes, and how my body responds.

OK, let me rewind a bit. I have realized with the anxiety attack I had a couple of weeks ago that felt like a heart attack, when growing up I didn't have anxiety attacks, I had panic attacks. Anytime I faced a situation that scared me or whatever, I would have a panic attack: racing heart, sweating palms, desire to run away, spinning mind, physical illness, sometimes culminating in throwing up.

That IS what I'm feeling right now. Going through all of these old feelings, emotions, memories, hurts, are getting to me. I want to escape them. I don't know how to deal with them. I feel very anxious to the point of panic.

When I experienced the anxiety attack, I had just been through a very emotionally charged situation, but had calmed down and was starting to deal with what was going on. The feeling of my heart exploding took me by such surprise that I literally thought I was having a heart attack. I knew it wasn't a panic attack, because I had lived through almost a quarter century of those; this was different.

I don't know what to do next.

I need to talk to somebody. I had a counselor, but now my insurance requires a deductible to be paid in order to see anyone--and there's no way I can afford it, it's more than my utilities. I have been looking online for support groups and what have you, but I don't want to get into that cycle of people relating their stories and me getting even more depressed. So, I figured I'd at least write and get some of it out.

One of the things that's bothering me is two exercises that I went through last night. One of them is to mentally visualize things and then alter them. I have THE hardest time imagining things in my head. I have some sort of block that prevents me from getting a mental image of things. I can hear stuff just fine, I can recreate entire songs in my mind with all the instrumental parts and voices, but I can hardly get a simple picture to form in my mind.

Maybe this is normal, but it's really frustrating me. I enjoy the visual, I love rich and deep colors, enjoy the beauty, intricacy or simplicity of things. Why can't I do that in my mind's eye?

The weird thing is that some things from my past I can get a vivid snapshot of. I can 'see' them, but the weird thing is I can't do it in my mind, with my eyes closed. It's almost like I am projecting it out into space with my eyes open, watching it, rather describing it, but not seeing it.

You know, maybe I'm just overreacting here. But it just seems so odd to me, it frustrates me that I can't get pictures to be in my head where I want them to be. I guess that explains why I have such a hard time coming up with things that are original, but given other things can rework them into something else, I don't know?

Anyway, the other exercise was regressing to childhood situations.

Oh wait, this was really weird. When I was trying to do the visual thing I started thinking about the church I grew up in and how one of the Sunday school rooms looked. In my head I started singing some of the songs that we did during Jr. Church when I was about 10.

All the sudden, I got the mental picture of what happened to me when I was about 3, in front of the church. I tried to remember what happened beyond the image that has always stuck with me. I remembered some of the scene, but I can't remember what led up to it, and I can't remember what happened after. I'm still at the point I am thinking about it with a complete lack of emotion, just as scenes in a movie or something.

After I got that mental image, I tried to remember what happened to me at our family campsite with the teenagers. I can only remember a tiny bit of it, and mainly all I can remember is staring out the window and seeing our camper next door, with a couple of snips of the teens. What on earth did they do to me, or make me do to them? I have no idea.

I wonder if hypnosis would help? I wonder if I could even afford it?

You know what really is bothering me is the idea that there are people in this world who know what happened to me, but yet I have no idea. It makes me angry. I can't believe that they did these things to me, robbed me of my innocence, and that I'm still dealing with things after 30-some odd years.

I want to get past all this.

I'm tired of trying to keep this all pushed down. I'm tired of being embarrassed by it all. I'm tired of having holes in my life. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control. I'm tired of having the past affect my future.

I seriously want to escape right now. I think that's a good sign. I think that I'm getting close to breaking through this. The part of me that's tried to protect me from anything bad is trying to protect me again.

I feel so, well, pissed. I'm not sure that's right, maybe more sad than pissed, but yeah maybe. No, I think more like broken and weak. I feel like everybody else is stronger than I am, able to deal with crap like this, and I can't. Like anybody else on the planet would have already dealt with it and moved on. Like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should be.

Well, I've been going through cycles of that thinking in my head and I'm trying to just shut them down and ignore them, because if that would even be true, that I am weaker than anyone else or anything, well, it really doesn't matter does it? Is there anything I can do about it? All I can really do is try to fix what's broken inside me, not worry about anybody else, and then the rest will fall into place.

So, where does that leave me then?

I think I'm on the right track indeed. I think I have a lot of work still ahead of me, but I'm close. I think I need to find help somehow, somewhere. I know I'm blessed and that my childhood could have been so much worse. I can't change the past, I can only change the future. I think I need to cry.

Thanks for listening.

Be blessed!

- Jan

Sunday, November 1, 2009

"Born Again"

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I've been so tired, have had so many things happen, and have been so sick and tired of being sick and tired--otherwise known as depressed--that I just have not made it. Last night I had to stay the night at my mom's so she could physically wake me up so that I would actually make it there. I was still 20 minutes late, but quite literally, better late than never!

It was a service that was held just for me. I have no doubt that others took something away, but God brought me to that service for a special reason.

There was a funeral there today. I mourned the loss of a little girl who was molested beginning at age 3, a child that endured mental abuse, a child who lost her innocence and right to just be a child. For the first time, I mourned the loss of me.

I couldn't figure it out at the time, but I was compelled to go forward this morning when the preacher called up two people who had just experienced a death in their family and wanted to have us all pray for them. He asked if there was anyone else who needed the same prayer, and I felt like I needed to go up there. I've had A LOT of relatives in the last couple of weeks that have nearly died, and I myself thought I was having a heart attack a few weeks ago, so I thought with all of the stress, I must just feel like I need to grieve.

But as I stood there and my pastor was praying, I just started to cry, and I realized that I was crying for me, I was racked with sobs and just out-and-out broke down, crying for my lost little girl. Nobody up there knew what I was thinking or going through, but Pastor said, "You've been grieving long enough," and I knew that he was right. He said that Jesus paid for our freedom, and we're free from the grief and pain. I knew he was so right, I need to reach out for the freedom from my stolen childhood that Jesus bought for me.

Pastor's sermon today was about God being our shepherd, Jehovah-raah, and how that if we truly follow Him, instead of just running to Him in the bad times, He is our strength, He is our help, He is the One to deliver us from temptation--BEFORE we do it. These are all areas that I am struggling with. There's no doubt I was supposed to hear this message. Like my friend Jeff, who's studying theology, reminds me, there is NO word for coincidence in the Hebrew language....

The text of the message was Hebrews 4:11-16 (all here KJV). The first thing that spoke to me in verse 11 was, "enter into that rest." I have been beating myself up, struggling to figure out why I can't seem to change the way I want to, why I can't be strong enough to do what I need to do, why I....me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Sounds like a vocal warm-up, not God's way of doing things.

I've liked the following verse for a long time: "Be still and know that I am God...." Psalm 46:10 KJV. I've known I need to be quiet so that He can work through me.

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." John 13:17 KJV

Yeah, I know, but....

I've been in a panic for awhile because of my lifelong habit of being immovable, waiting for God to 'tell' me what He wants me to do, and never moving on my own--unless it's an out-and-out dumb thing to do that I know I shouldn't be doing. I can own that, truly. (See: Divorce)

But I've been struggling now for three years trying to change myself to be good enough for God, or been waiting for Him to turn on some magical hidden switch inside of me. That's not how He's working, let me tell you.

Verse 11's phrase, "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest," now that makes sense to me when I think about what I've been trying to do, struggling to make myself do everything the right way--laboring to make things happen. I cannot make these things happen on my own. It's like the first part of the Serenity Prayer, which I loved way before I ever knew it was a 12-Step program mantra:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change what makes me think. I can't, I don't even know how to begin to change how I think since I don't know what makes me think it. (You think?) But, like verse 11 says, we have to work at resting in God. Only He can do it. "I can do all things THROUGH Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:13 KJV. It doesn't say, 'I can do all things with Him in the vicinity.... '

So, instead of laboring (struggling) to change me, I need to labor (work) at resting IN HIM. I need to seek Him every minute of the day. ("If ye know these things....")

No matter who said it (some say Benjamin Franklin, some say Einstein or some other), the definition of insanity truly is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's where I've been, and it's been driving me insane. No doubt about it. Short trip.

So, verse 12 talks about God's Word and the power It has in our lives. (See: "If ye know these things....") Undoubtedly the Word is a great weapon. When Jesus was tempted in the desert by the devil, what did He use to fight? He responded with Bible verses. Good enough for Jesus, better believe it's good enough for me! Just need to implement it in every millisecond of my day.

You know, I have been thinking a lot lately about a guy I met in a 12-Step program that I saw again awhile ago. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight, to the point I didn't recognize him until I heard him speak. I asked him how he did it, and he said he simply prayed before each and every bite of food he took. Wow. Sounds nutty hardcore fanatical poison-laced kool-aid-drinking-crazy, doesn't it?

But that's EXACTLY what we should be doing--that's what I need to do!!!

So, verse 13 hit close to home for me as well. It basically says that there's nothing out of God's view. We all know He's omniscient, but somehow I am never just down-and-out bare-faced honest with Him. Why? I know He sees everything, knows everything, is everywhere, so what makes me think if I don't acknowledge something He won't notice it?

I know that when I'm just being 100% completely real about something I feel so relaxed, unburdened, not tensed and in turmoil. In just being real with Him and allowing Him to do the work--man that really takes the pressure off!!! Not that I'm saying, "hey God, You do all the work, I'll just lie here and eat bonbons." But instead of trying to figure it out myself and getting into a frenzy, I need to labor to rest, seek Him and say, "OK God, here I am, I need Your wisdom." That sounds much more peaceful and productive.

I swear I've said all this before.

Verse 14 declares Jesus is our High Priest who is the ONLY One by Whom we go to the Father--not an earthly priest who merely hears our confessions; I'll just let that one go, but Jesus said no man comes to the Father but through Him, so we don't need to confess to anyone else--but verse 15 is truly extraordinary, and I never realized its implications.

Verse 15 says that Jesus understands our pain, our sin, our temptations because He EXPERIENCED THOSE SAME TEMPTATIONS and YET WAS SINLESS.

OK, so we know Jesus was without sin. We know He was tempted by the devil in the desert and the garden. But I never thought about Him being tempted by every temptation that I am tempted by. The pastor today said, "I bet you all are thinking He was tempted by 'little' temptations." Of course he pointed out that all sins are the same in God's eyes, but yes, I never ever thought about Jesus being tempted in the way some of us are. Can you imagine Him being tempted in some of the ways we are with sex and pornography, chemical or substance use, gambling, etc? If He bore all of our sins on the Tree, then He had to know all of the sin and temptation that ever was, is and will be.

Can you imagine, our Precious Savior being subjected to some of the perversions of this world, because He loves us? Wow.

OK, so, He wants us to quit trying to bare the labor of the work but to rest in Him, to use His Word to its full power potential and not as a burden or for condemnation, to just be honest with Him because He knows it all and has seen it all anyway, to have Him only as our High Priest--who had been tempted in every way imaginable and can therefore understand what we're going through, and then:

Verse 16: "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

He wants us to come honestly to Him with no pretense, not arrogantly as we might interpret 'boldly' today. And as the verse says, yes, we can obtain mercy for how we've screwed up, but we can obtain His grace so that we don't screw up to begin with; He knows how to keep from screwing up since He's already faced our challenges. That is so amazing.

So after Pastor closed, he had any of us who struggle with this, who struggle with not seeking God in all our times, not just times of trouble, who are so discouraged by our failure because we haven't realized the burden of life when given to Him becomes His responsibility. (Uff, what a relief!) Pastor told us that we are FREE INDEED in the Name of Jesus, we are not under that stress anymore if we accept this truth for our lives and implement it.

After the service, I talked to the couple who actually inspired me to go to this church. (Their light is so amazing.) I was telling them everything that's been going on in my and my family's life, and what I've been reading and discovering, and they thought it would be a good idea for me to go to the cemetery and 'talk to' and 'forgive' some of my relatives. We all know they're not there; it was simply an exercise of getting it off my chest, for me to at least speak out my feelings and then to forgive them from my heart.

My father's family are buried here so they are the ones I addressed. A lot of generational pain has gone on in both sides and so that is mostly what I talked about. I was surprised, however, that I spent so much time at my father's grave. Last year I had written him a letter and vented a lot of the repressed anger I had toward him. Today I really poured out pure hurt and pain. I really grieved there, really let out how badly he hurt me, and how his treatment has affected how I view myself, and all of my relationships. For the first time I spoke honestly about how he made me feel.

At his grave I said that I was hurt and sad that neither he, nor any of the other family members, had ever been brave enough to be honest about the whole family's dynamics and stepped up to try and stop the cycle of abuse, to stop the pain and stop hurting each other. Then I stopped and realized, that if they weren't brave enough, then that would mean--I'm brave. I am brave enough to look honestly at myself, my life, my relationships and try to change what isn't working, try to stop what does happen that shouldn't, and try to stop hurting those that I love. I am brave. I've NEVER thought of myself as brave. Cool. I'm brave!

I do wish they would have been able to step back and see what was really going on and try to fix it. I can't imagine what joy would have been in our family if it had happened. But, that's "how the cookie crumbles" as Pablo likes to say. I can't change the past, but sure can change for the future.

Well, I have always been very dramatic (No comments, please!), and have looked for ways to tie things together or make them more significant. I've been trying to avoid doing anything of the sort lately, but this evening I've been hearing the words to the song "Born Again" by Third Day, and they just speak how my heart rather feels. I don't feel like today was some angels-descending-lights-sparkling-poofing-clouds-sort-of-thing. The words just speak to me, and I feel like more of the weight of my past was chipped off. I'm making progress.

I'm including the lyrics to the song at the end of this post. Maybe they express something in your heart.

Be blessed!

:) Jan


"Born Again" Third Day

Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,

I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life

Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
Is so much more real than anything,

I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,

Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time,
In my life.