Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Looking for Joy

OK, so here I am, heading back into the pit of despair. I've been cutting myself off from people, cutting myself off from God, cutting myself off from myself. I hate it when I do that, and I know what I need to do in order not to go there. My real quandary is how to get myself to do what I need to do before I have to be jerked out of the hole by none other than Pablo.

So what is it that I need to do?

Start and spend my days with God.

Why don't I do it automatically?

Because somehow I think that if I just do a few things and then come back to God then it'll be OK: the life-long procrastinator.

Not working, must change.

The weird thing is I've been doing all sorts of word studies, etc. in the Bible, but they do me no good if I don't put them into practice. I let whatever is happening in my life, or not happening, dictate how I respond to life. Ugh, here we go with emotion again. I know that I find encouragement when I read His Word and let Him know how I'm feeling.

OK, so, let me run by you some things I've been looking up in the Bible, and hopefully that will underscore in my own mind what I need to do. According to God's Word, good things happen if we seek Him. You probably have heard this one:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not grow weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 KJV

OK, so how about these?

"And you who seek God, your hearts shall live." Psalm 69:32b NKJV

"I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently will find Me. Riches and honor are with Me, enduring riches and righteousness." Proverbs 8:17-18 NKJV

Sounds pretty good to me, though realize of course that He's not saying follow Me and roll in gold, and we shouldn't follow Him just so we're living the good life--but Jehovah-jireh is our Provider, how awesome!

"But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing." Psalm 34:10b NKJV

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:3-7a NKJV

I'm going to throw this next part in for free. If you look closely when you read the Bible you will sometimes see "the LORD" and "GOD" and other times they will not be in all caps. Ever wonder what the difference is? Well, I'm taking some Bible classes and the instructor explained that those capitalized versions are when the scriptures say Yahweh or what we hear more often, Jehovah. And the really cool thing about Yahweh is that in Hebrew it is made up of 4 letters, you know the Jews do not spell out the name of God but always type it YHWH.

Anyway, the four letters really encompass all that God is, including Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The letters literally mean hand, breath, and nail: the Hand of God: our Creator and Most Powerful of powers; the Breath of God: Our Holy Spirit; Our Nail-Pierced Saviour, Christ Jesus. And what really blows me away is that most Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah, and yet He was crucified and pierced (Psalm 22:16c "they pierced my hands and my feet."), just as the Hebrew word for God from the Torah states! So many mysteries revealed in every aspect of the Lord and His Word!

God rocks.

OK, so there are a lot more passages I could quote for you on seeking God, but I want to move on to finding rest in Him. So, if you want to look more up, here are the references:

Deuteronomy 4:29-31, Psalm 42:3-5, Psalm 51:6-8, 10, 12, Psalm 119:2-7, Proverbs 2:3-12a, 20-21, Proverbs 8:32-35, Jeremiah 29:12-14a, Matthew 5:6, Hebrews 11:6

So, then, I have been monstrously exhausted for the last several weeks. I started taking Vitamin D as I am very deficient, and have Googled the side effects and they really don't match how I feel, though anything is possible; I always seem to have weird reactions to things. The other thing that I've started is being more diligent in studying the Word and have had an increased desire to really know God. I believe the enemy does not like that too well, and he knows after all these years of watching me that when I get sick, exhausted and/or depressed I fall away from purposeful living. I hate him.

So, anyway, in trying to combat this extreme fatigue I decided to look up passages about rest. I'm sure you've heard this one:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Here are a few more:

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" Exodus 33:14 NKJV

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'" Isaiah 30:15a-b NKJV

"Thus says the LORD: 'Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls.'" Jeremiah 6:16a-b NKJV

I'm seeing a pattern here: seek God, find rest--and a whole lot of other amazing things! I know I need to start my day with Him, He is the best friend that I have, He is the one Who truly knows my sorrows and pain as He bore them on the tree, He is the one who cares for me and loves me like no other.

Father God, I need You, I want to know You more and more. Awaken in me the longing for you as David had, who panted after you as the deer pants for water! Holy Spirit, speak louder in my ear that I would listen to You and Your Words.

So, to close, let me quote you a really cool passage that tells us how God cherishes us:

"The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

How awesome is it to think that God sings over us, that He delights in us? I get so discouraged and upset with myself when I fail; it's so amazing to think that He can find joy in me. I want Him to have more joy in me. I know that in seeking His joy, I will find mine. (And yes, I already did a word study on joy; maybe next time I'll give you those passages.)

Be blessed,

:) Jan

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Exploring Expletives

I went to see the movie "Julie & Julia" with my mother (Julia who goes by Julie) on Labor Day. The movie is based on the true story of writer and blogger Julie Powell who decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cookbook in the span of one year and blog about it. The story intertwined with the life story of Julia herself; it was so interesting to learn about the classically trained quirky chef and the things that she and her husband went through. Yes, basically it was a "chick flick" but I enjoyed it for its closer to truth than fiction story lines.

Anyway, considering this post is about expletives, I suppose I should make the segue to why "Julie & Julia" relates to the topic. The movie was virtually free from any foul language--aside from duck deboning or poultry trussing, har har har--and sexual innuendo with pasta. The most blatant expletive usage was the part of which my mother did not approve: the F Word placed at an entirely fitting and completely hilarious moment.

Confession: I dig the F Word and all its variations. It is one of my all-time favorite words, perfect in so many usage possibilities: noun, verb, adjective, in compound forms...so satisfying in its nastiness (with a lot of possibilities I'd forgotten about until I Googled the etymology of it). If not for the fact that it makes me sound so uneducated and uncouth I would use the F Word with reckless abandon. It is, unfortunately, a habit that rears its ugly head mostly on those occasions when I am interacting with obstinate inanimate objects, obnoxious or inept drivers, or, I'm most embarrassed to say, when my mother pushes my last button.

My mother HATES the F Word. Vehemently. Passionately. Abhors it. That is what originally inspired my desire to use it in her presence.

My father, on the other hand, was a most gifted and proficient curser. He was in the military and certainly retained many colorful expressions from that time. And as I practically worshiped him as a child, I wanted to emulate him. And, of course, in school it was so cool to cuss behind adults' backs. I became a pro profaner. And bottom line, I just liked the way it sounded and how it gave power to my speech.

I have tried to kick the habit and clean up my language and have been able to considerably limit the usage of expletives. When I start getting wound up I tend to use quite a few--something I still really need to work on.

But, I've been really thinking about words and how the Bible says that life and death is in our tongues. I have come to realize I've been dividing expletives and such into two categories: completely evil and really-meaningless-yet-not-so-nice.

I abhor taking God's name in vain! I do not OM_ opting for "ohmygosh" or something similar to make a point, and I can't believe how many avowed Christians use God's name so flippantly. He must be so grieved that people have become so blasé that they don't think twice about cursing Him. I'm not perfect, of course, especially when it comes to things like, "Oh, Lord" or something similar when not beseeching Him. How many of us use it and don't think about it? I've caught myself doing it and have felt so ashamed.

It's easy to become self-righteous about overt blasphemy like taking God's or Jesus' name in vain, but how often do the phrases roll off of our tongues and we don't blink an eye? Why don't we think it's a big deal to OM_ but have hissies over the F Word or slang for body parts?

I have stopped watching many movies and reading many books for taking God's name in vain in one way or another. I think it only took 3 minutes of "Hancock" for Will Smith to take Jesus' name in vain. I still remember he landed inside the car and then said it. Can't tell you what happened after that. I put down one of Nicholas Sparks' last books not too far into it for the character saying Jesus' name in vain.

I can't even tell you the last time I listened to mainstream radio. I realized several years ago that I have to be careful about the music that I listen to because I have such a connection with music, enjoy singing so much that I really take the lyrics to heart. When I listened to some songs I ended up thinking about doing things I shouldn't or feeling bad about not being like the people in the songs or having what they were singing about--mostly to do with men, love, sex, a beautiful body.... Yes I've heard, seen and read a whole lot less, but I can say that there's been a lot less "garbage in" thus producing much less "garbage out."

Why is blasphemy so accepted that people don't even bat an eye anymore? A friend of mine said the Sparks book was so great. When she asked me later how I liked it I told her I didn't finish it and why. She said she hadn't even noticed, and she's a Christian. How sad.

OK, so then when you think about other things that we say: take "damn". Now there's a word we shouldn't be slinging around, especially followed by "you" and definitely not preceded with God's name! I tend to catch myself damning "its". And then there's "Hell" that definitely should not be used lightly! I think if we were more serious about making sure people weren't going there and not so focused on fitting into the world we might take notice of some of these things.

You know another word we really shouldn't use so casually is "holy." I've been to Toledo, and it's not all that. I love me some cows--they're udderly fantastic and hay, I cud milk the puns for all they're worth--but really, they are not holy! Shouldn't we limit our usage of that word to the One Who truly is holy? My Saviour's Name, my Almighty Creator's Name is precious, and the reality of salvation and damnation should make those of us who should "know better" to choose our words more carefully.

So, when you think about the F Word, it's not quite on the same plane as these other infractions, it's just a word. It is not a nice word, and it can definitely be used to get into trouble with someone sexually, or can be used to hurt or incite someone to anger, but is it so bad?

Well, the Bible says we should refrain from all bad language and speaking:

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Ephesians 4:29 KJV

"But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. And their message will spread like cancer." II Timothy 2:16-17a NKJV

The F Word may only be a word with no real spiritual significance, but bottom line, I should not be using it, should not be telling any off-color or down-right dirty jokes, or making any sexual innuendos whatsoever. What it comes down to is can what I say cause someone else to stumble, or give them an excuse to not want to be a hypocrite Christian like me? I don't want to take the chance!

So, there you have it, my exposition exposing extraneous and exploitative expletives.

Have you truly listened to yourself lately? Do you know what others are hearing you say? Do you realize what God is hearing you say?

My mom used to wash my mouth out with liquid dish soap when I was a kid--she would probably be jailed with my removal from her custody in today's pansy world. But I was such a little tyrant that I would smack my lips and exclaim how good it was and would actually ask for more.

You have to hand it to my mom, she tried her best with what she had to work with. I have told her before she should have beat me within an inch of my life, but it's too late now!!! Maybe I should employ the dish soap deterrence system to keep me from further expletive explosions. Naaaaaaaaaaah! But I definitely want to clean up my language and bring glory to My Heavenly Father. Shouldn't we all?

Be blessed-

Jan

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Another WOW Moment & Kick in the Pants

So, I just had a two and a half hour conversation with Pablo and he gave me more "wows" and helped me see what I've been doing and face more truths about myself. Praise God, but golly, how many more things do I need to get kicked over before I "get it" myself and stop acting foolishly?

(By the way, there will be a good post in the future about expletives, but I couldn't concentrate because of this, so stay tuned....)

I've been leaning unto my own understanding. Not a good call on my part. I've been allowing fear to dominate my life still and yet not seeing it that way. I've been trying to force plans and panicking about what I think I should be doing instead of finding where God wants me to be according to His time and plan.

Ugh, I feel like a big screw-up right now, but I'm glad to be getting over the looking stupid part and just try to see the light. Poor Pablo, I am so glad he's in my life but I know he's about tired of my crap and that I never seem to "get it". I'm tired of that, but I think it's because I've been trying to use my brain to figure things out instead of asking God and seeking help from others. I cannot be left to my own devices.

That's actually pretty much what this morning's sermon was about: letting God work in and through us instead of trying to do it ourselves. I have been asking God to get me out of my own (His) way. I've been asking that, but I haven't been actively doing it myself. I'm not quitting God or giving up on serving Him, but I know I'm not trying hard enough to just rest in Him while being active in my pursuit of Him and being everything He wants me to be.

Now, I have been a quitter my whole life. If something's too hard, if it seems like I just don't get it, if I'm thinking I'm probably a bigger problem than I could actually be a solution, whatever it is that is going through my head at the time, whatever it is that I am obsessing about or focusing on, that's what makes me quit.

I quit the history fair in grade school when one of my friends decided not to do it because it just was too much work and we shouldn't make the effort. (Jan the Follower didn't see the destination of accomplishment & learning, just the journey of work & effort with the possibility of failure.) I quit the Women in the Sciences program in junior high because I wanted to seem cool to the same friend who was quitting 'cause it just was too boring. (Jan the Follower) I wanted to quit band my freshman year of high school because I wasn't as good at it as my brother and didn't want to work as hard at it as he did, but my mom made he keep at it. (Jan the Lazy & Fearful of Failure)

Gosh, I've sat here thinking about the things I've done or not done, accomplished or not accomplished, and about the question that Pablo asked me: what motivates me?

I've been a very selfish person. I've been motivated by money, I've been motivated by how it makes me look to others, I've been motivated by the hope for acceptance, I've been motivated by guilt, by fear, by sense of duty, but I've also been motivated by love, compassion, the sense of doing what's right, all very unselfish motives. I've had a lot of different motivations in doing or not doing many things.

So, now, the big questions: what do I really want to do, and why do I really want to do them? And the next big things are, how will I accomplish them, what lengths will I go to finish the tasks, and are my true motivations going to make me succeed--or will I fail or quit like I have so many times?

Well, I need to really peel away all the shoulds and coulds, and decide where my heart lies. What is my attitude toward all of the things I might do, and what do I think my true calling is? What have I labeled myself as, why am I afraid of some of the labels I might have, and why do I think I have to have a label at all?

Since I lost my full-time job last year I have been in limbo. This job was a source of income, a source of insurance, a source of an identity. It was not a source of pride, a source of accomplishment, a source of challenges to make me grow. But I mourned the loss of my comfort and my pride.

Losing that job was one of the best things that has happened to me. But I have dreaded the question: "Where do you work?" because to me and the typical American, that 40-hour a week position with benefits and retirement defined my role as a productive--and acceptable--member of society.

I didn't see that I was just a fake bankrupt character not giving my best at something that didn't make me want to be the best. However, since then, how have I defined myself? Mainly as a failure. Have I really tried to be anything more than that? Not really except that Praise God I finally in the last couple of months figured out that I need to live in the Light of God and actively work for Him.

Awesome!

Except:

I have been frantically trying to apply my definition of what really following God is, and that definition has been wrong. Thank God above that He had Pablo kick me again to make me realize that I have had it all wrong, and I've been trying to force a black and white idea of what I think I "should" be on God. And, in doing that and planning some grand scheme of a new life I was quitting everything that hasn't been working in my life--and not working because I had not been working, because I had again quit and given up because what I thought should happen by now hasn't been happening so obviously I shouldn't be doing it.

Yes, sort-of. I shouldn't be doing it the way I have been doing it. Aha! (Wow.)

So, then, back to motives: why have I been doing/not doing what I've been doing where I am? Fear. Indecision. Plain old giving up instead of seeing the big picture. Forgetting where I started.

Thank God again Pablo reminded me of where we started and how far we've come, and how we even began. If not mainly for him, we would not be where we are--because of all of the reasons I listed above that have resulted in me not accomplishing much of anything.

I'm going to be completely vulnerable here: since I have let so many of those things cause me to fail in the past, what makes me think I can do it this time? How many things have I started and never finished?

Oh gosh, that list would be a long sucker.

I have to be honest here and say I'm scared. I'm scared I am going to fail.

But, I'm scared of not trying and that scares me worse than the possibility of failure.

I know if I don't try then I might as well hang it up right now, sell all that I have left, move in with my mom, give up and die before I reach 50 like the doctors say I will anyway. That would be SO easy.

My mom would take care of me. I could be selfish and let her. She would do it, and I have plenty of excuses as to why I could go that way. I've been diagnosed with just under a dozen pretty major conditions. She can work circles around me. She's lonely and would like the companionship. I'm alone and would have somebody taking care of me. I love my mom, she loves me, and I know she believes that I am a victim of a lot of bad circumstances, and that bottom line I am her sick little fat girl she needs to take care of.

Ouch. Let's just put it out there.

I've played the victim my whole life. I have indeed been a victim of many painful things throughout my life, but I DO NOT want those things to define me any longer. If I would choose to give up and let my mom take care of me then I would be giving in to playing the victim. Unfortunately she has been doing the same thing for many years as well. We've both been drama queen victims wallowing in the fact that life isn't fair and we've been too afraid to be hurt any more.

It would be so easy for me to exploit the co-dependant relationship we've had. I have plenty of reasons why I could give up. It's just too hard to accomplish anything when you have as many physical ailments as I. How can you think when you barely sleep, have "brain fog" are in constant pain, are plagued by depression and anxiety...? And since Dad died, Mom has been lonely, and fearful, so we would be in a sense taking care of each other....

I rebuke it all in the name of Jesus! I am not defined by diagnoses, and if I stay in that mindset I am dead already. We are no longer victims of past abuse. I choose to live, and to do so, I must choose how I am going to live, and decide what's most important to me.

I need to keep these things in front of my eyes. How do I do that? Am I really so shallow that I don't have that sticking ability? I seem to always unravel once the passion of the moment subsides, as Pablo said, once the emotion fades. My resolve and motivations must be strong or I will let go again and quit.

My parents are two of the reasons why I have always done these things, I know that, but I can't continue doing it just because they inspired or encouraged these traits. I know that a lot of the reasoning behind my quitting things is fear, and the fear is driven by my diminished self-esteem resulting from my father's mental abuse. My mother has always been plagued by low self-esteem and fear, and just caved-in when things were too hard, ran away from them or simply cried. I learned from the best two on why or how to avoid things.

But, I can't live in the past, I can't blame them forever. I have to take responsibility. And I have to admit I'm worried that maybe deep down I am shallow.

No, I can't believe that. I know the truth about what God made me to be: I'm fearfully and wonderfully made--but not made to be fearful. God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. And the work that He started in me He will not quit until it is finished. He Who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Oh, God, why is it so hard to be what You want me to be and what I want me to be? If You could just go ahead and flip that switch in my heart and head that changes me, I'd be really grateful!

All right, so then, balls to the wall, I'm deciding what's important to me, and why they're important to me, and that they're important enough to WORK at, and having faith that I will succeed in persevering and not being a quitter.

Now seriously, let me give myself a bit of credit. I have wanted to quit working on the business stuff since about the beginning because of being so scared and just fearful of trying anything at all, being afraid I was too sick to see it through, and because of the volatile relationship Pablo and I had at the beginning. Here we are nearly 3 years later and I'm still here. Now, technically I was ready to quit tonight, but not to do nothing and let my mom take care of me.

I want to work for God and I know that He has a calling on my life.

However, I was trying to force His Hand in a way, dictating what I thought He would want of me, and thinking it was that way or the highway. But thank God He gave Pablo such discernment and a window into my heart and head that he made me realize what I was doing was not according to God's will, but what I was telling God His will was.

And let me be honest, I know that my relationship with my mom is one that tempts me to just do nothing, and I keep thinking I need to escape from it and leave this place. If I'm supposed to be working for God, and I need to get away from where I am, I made the giant leap to packing up and moving half-way around the world as the answer.

Once I think about it and deconstruct all of my behavior I really seem so very foolish and childish. I'm embarrassed by my gung-ho "my way" grandiose yet escapist thinking. Thank God He sent my best friend and covenant relationship partner Pablo to tell me when I'm acting like an imbecile and getting too big for my britches, or allowing my fear to dictate my actions.

OK, so, what does all of this mean? This means that right now I'm in my WOW! stage and am feeling like I can march through the world and conquer everything! So then, that means I need to go pray now, and tomorrow, and forever, to just stay raw and vulnerable about who I am and am not, and about what I want to do while making sure I'm in God's will: take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

Now let me say one thing I've been learning about God's will, and one lie in my head that has the ability to keep me immobile: there is no great light bulb that is going to come on over my head, no great big magic wand that's going to come out of thin air and bonk me on the head sending stardust into my eyes so I can magically see His will, no great booming voice saying, "Aha! Yes, move now, this is My will!" Poof! Eureka, you've got it!

I've been waiting for that my whole life and that has rendered me useless.

That's a big reason why I was trying to force God's Hand in my plans because I have spent so much time waiting and doing nothing that I decided to do the polar opposite, decided I better saddle up and ride, full steam ahead! (I do so love mixed metaphors.)

I don't know why I tend to think it always has to be one way or the other. I don't have to define God's definition of serving Him for Him according to my preconceived notions. But I do know that there are things in my heart that I still want to do for Him. Pablo made me see that I was just trying to force it how I thought it had to be. I don't like being so blind--God give me eyes to see, ears to hear, a clean heart and a renewed spirit, please.

OK, so moving away from Plan B, which is what I was on...to Plan...G, I think.

And I need to stop trying to partition life into certain segments and think they shouldn't interact. Hello!?!?! Where did I begin with Pablo, with business? With God. And with God, all things are possible, right? So why wouldn't they still interact? Why would I think one is interfering with the other?

Oh God, I've been foolish in my thinking. Thank You for showing me my errors in thinking, and for sending me Pablo.

OK, so I guess that's where I will leave it for now. Not at all what I thought I would be writing as my next post. I already have the other one written and intended to just type it up. Wrong-o. And I'm so glad, I'm so glad that I can use this blog to work through my issues.

I wonder sometimes if this blather helps anyone out there at all. Does anyone aside from a couple of my friends read this--and gosh, considering how much I have put out here, what on earth must they be thinking of me?

When I started the blog I thought maybe my stories would help other people see that they're not the only ones going through stuff--that I was making a difference. In the middle, I lost that and hoped that people were "reading me" and I was important, until I forgot to remember my place in Christ and went with the lie that I was crazy--ugh those are painful posts to reread let me tell you, though I praise Him that He brought me out of that Egypt!

But over the last couple of months I've realized that my motivation has changed back to what it was in the beginning, with the addition that it's not that I am looking to help someone or else it's not worth it, a false sense of being needed or important, but into a hope that in baring my heart and hurts, in releasing the pain or pleasure that my life brings, I may be able to help someone, even if I never have a clue about it, and really, I'm helping me be a better me, so I am helping myself.

How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself? Writing in this blog helps me love myself. That's really cool to realize actually.

So, anyway, that's where I am: Plan G. I'll keep you posted, literally.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Why is sex such an issue???

Are all singles plagued by overwhelming sexual urges? Or am I the only...one of five?

For the last week and one half especially I have been just inundated with opportunities for sex. I know that the enemy is trying to bring me down with one of my weaknesses but geesh, give me a break!

Apparently it is something that A LOT of people battle, but we never talk about because it is too taboo, especially among Christians. Sometimes I wish I was a 'ho' so I could just have at it. (lol) But I know that the harder I try to behave, the more opportunities I have to fall, the more I tend to think about what I shouldn't be thinking about. Can I get a witness???

It's been in so many different forms I know that satan is trying all that he can to make me fall. I have one friend in particular that I get into trouble with. We hardly ever talk on the phone and when we do we end up going where we shouldn't. I swear, if I did get pregnant I'd have a bouncing baby cell phone! At least it's safe sex, right?

Anyway, a wild one this week was a guy I went to high school with. He popped up to chat which he has done occasionally. We usually chat about movies or memories, friends, just innocuous subjects. Well, this time he started asking me if I was looking at porn and what I was doing. I laughed it off at first figuring that he was joking, but it soon became VERY clear that he was not. He was hot and he was looking for some play. Thankfully we were interrupted because I tell you, my resolve to behave was wearing down.

We ended up talking again a few days later after I had sent him an email that we needed to behave because I am trying to really follow God. He was cool with it, but he ended up going for it again. We eventually got into a long conversation about relationships and finding happiness--my greatest desire is to be married again and I don't want to taint that with extraneous sexual encounters. I want love and I won't settle for less, bottom line. Well, he ended up getting really upset and saying we should just give it up now because we were too different.

Um, OK???

We had gone out once about a year ago and I never got the impression that he liked me at all. So, then, does that mean he did, he does--well he doesn't now because he won't even respond to me. I'm completely confused over that one! I figure he just wanted to get some and I got all 'relationship' on him.

Then there's this other one. Now this one REALLY blows my mind. A younger friend ended up finding me online and we started talking. So he started getting sexual and admitted that he is a virgin and he asked me if I would take his virginity! I am still in shock. That just blows my mind.

A.) That a man can still be a virgin in this world.
B.) That he sought me out to ask to lose it with.
C.) That satan is trying so hard to make me fall.
D.) All of the above.

I'm just floored.

Well, not exactly. The timing is significant indeed. This week we did a fast for church as today we had an amazing healing service. I have been trying to really follow God and listen to His urging, listen to His voice, to be completely baptised in the Spirit, to give myself up to Him in every way. So, of course the devil would try all that he could to make me fall. He even sent a lesbian into my path, but let's just leave that one where it lies, which would be nowhere.

So, I've had an interesting string of weird sexual advances all in an attempt to derail me from God's plan for my life. Did I mess up? Sure. Will I again? I have no doubt. Am I free indeed? Absolutely. Can satan keep me down by either tripping me up with sex, or by making me wallow in guilt? Nope.

I look forward to the beautiful expression of love that I will one day have with my husband. I have no doubt that God has a wonderful godly man for me, a man with whom I will serve Him. It is precious to me and I want to honor that. Yes, I need to make a bigger effort to not fall--I should probably stop answering the phone--but I will not be tempted past what God has given me the ability to handle:

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Amen. Be blessed!

- Jan


*** A friend and reader sent me this link after I posted this: Jesus Wants the Rose a sermon by Matt Chandler that really spoke closely to my life. ***