Feeling So Alone

When I think of all the people that I know, those that I count as close friends, I don't think that any of them has gone through being molested at a very young age like I have. I feel so alone.

The past couple of days have been so intense. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my past, I feel like there's so much more underneath the surface that I need to get out.

I almost feel panicked about it. I don't like the feeling of wanting to run away and hide. I felt this way my whole life up until about age 25 when I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I don't feel that anxiety defines me, I just feel that the label defines how I feel sometimes, and how my body responds.

OK, let me rewind a bit. I have realized with the anxiety attack I had a couple of weeks ago that felt like a heart attack, when growing up I didn't have anxiety attacks, I had panic attacks. Anytime I faced a situation that scared me or whatever, I would have a panic attack: racing heart, sweating palms, desire to run away, spinning mind, physical illness, sometimes culminating in throwing up.

That IS what I'm feeling right now. Going through all of these old feelings, emotions, memories, hurts, are getting to me. I want to escape them. I don't know how to deal with them. I feel very anxious to the point of panic.

When I experienced the anxiety attack, I had just been through a very emotionally charged situation, but had calmed down and was starting to deal with what was going on. The feeling of my heart exploding took me by such surprise that I literally thought I was having a heart attack. I knew it wasn't a panic attack, because I had lived through almost a quarter century of those; this was different.

I don't know what to do next.

I need to talk to somebody. I had a counselor, but now my insurance requires a deductible to be paid in order to see anyone--and there's no way I can afford it, it's more than my utilities. I have been looking online for support groups and what have you, but I don't want to get into that cycle of people relating their stories and me getting even more depressed. So, I figured I'd at least write and get some of it out.

One of the things that's bothering me is two exercises that I went through last night. One of them is to mentally visualize things and then alter them. I have THE hardest time imagining things in my head. I have some sort of block that prevents me from getting a mental image of things. I can hear stuff just fine, I can recreate entire songs in my mind with all the instrumental parts and voices, but I can hardly get a simple picture to form in my mind.

Maybe this is normal, but it's really frustrating me. I enjoy the visual, I love rich and deep colors, enjoy the beauty, intricacy or simplicity of things. Why can't I do that in my mind's eye?

The weird thing is that some things from my past I can get a vivid snapshot of. I can 'see' them, but the weird thing is I can't do it in my mind, with my eyes closed. It's almost like I am projecting it out into space with my eyes open, watching it, rather describing it, but not seeing it.

You know, maybe I'm just overreacting here. But it just seems so odd to me, it frustrates me that I can't get pictures to be in my head where I want them to be. I guess that explains why I have such a hard time coming up with things that are original, but given other things can rework them into something else, I don't know?

Anyway, the other exercise was regressing to childhood situations.

Oh wait, this was really weird. When I was trying to do the visual thing I started thinking about the church I grew up in and how one of the Sunday school rooms looked. In my head I started singing some of the songs that we did during Jr. Church when I was about 10.

All the sudden, I got the mental picture of what happened to me when I was about 3, in front of the church. I tried to remember what happened beyond the image that has always stuck with me. I remembered some of the scene, but I can't remember what led up to it, and I can't remember what happened after. I'm still at the point I am thinking about it with a complete lack of emotion, just as scenes in a movie or something.

After I got that mental image, I tried to remember what happened to me at our family campsite with the teenagers. I can only remember a tiny bit of it, and mainly all I can remember is staring out the window and seeing our camper next door, with a couple of snips of the teens. What on earth did they do to me, or make me do to them? I have no idea.

I wonder if hypnosis would help? I wonder if I could even afford it?

You know what really is bothering me is the idea that there are people in this world who know what happened to me, but yet I have no idea. It makes me angry. I can't believe that they did these things to me, robbed me of my innocence, and that I'm still dealing with things after 30-some odd years.

I want to get past all this.

I'm tired of trying to keep this all pushed down. I'm tired of being embarrassed by it all. I'm tired of having holes in my life. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control. I'm tired of having the past affect my future.

I seriously want to escape right now. I think that's a good sign. I think that I'm getting close to breaking through this. The part of me that's tried to protect me from anything bad is trying to protect me again.

I feel so, well, pissed. I'm not sure that's right, maybe more sad than pissed, but yeah maybe. No, I think more like broken and weak. I feel like everybody else is stronger than I am, able to deal with crap like this, and I can't. Like anybody else on the planet would have already dealt with it and moved on. Like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should be.

Well, I've been going through cycles of that thinking in my head and I'm trying to just shut them down and ignore them, because if that would even be true, that I am weaker than anyone else or anything, well, it really doesn't matter does it? Is there anything I can do about it? All I can really do is try to fix what's broken inside me, not worry about anybody else, and then the rest will fall into place.

So, where does that leave me then?

I think I'm on the right track indeed. I think I have a lot of work still ahead of me, but I'm close. I think I need to find help somehow, somewhere. I know I'm blessed and that my childhood could have been so much worse. I can't change the past, I can only change the future. I think I need to cry.

Thanks for listening.

Be blessed!

- Jan

"Born Again"

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I've been so tired, have had so many things happen, and have been so sick and tired of being sick and tired--otherwise known as depressed--that I just have not made it. Last night I had to stay the night at my mom's so she could physically wake me up so that I would actually make it there. I was still 20 minutes late, but quite literally, better late than never!

It was a service that was held just for me. I have no doubt that others took something away, but God brought me to that service for a special reason.

There was a funeral there today. I mourned the loss of a little girl who was molested beginning at age 3, a child that endured mental abuse, a child who lost her innocence and right to just be a child. For the first time, I mourned the loss of me.

I couldn't figure it out at the time, but I was compelled to go forward this morning when the preacher called up two people who had just experienced a death in their family and wanted to have us all pray for them. He asked if there was anyone else who needed the same prayer, and I felt like I needed to go up there. I've had A LOT of relatives in the last couple of weeks that have nearly died, and I myself thought I was having a heart attack a few weeks ago, so I thought with all of the stress, I must just feel like I need to grieve.

But as I stood there and my pastor was praying, I just started to cry, and I realized that I was crying for me, I was racked with sobs and just out-and-out broke down, crying for my lost little girl. Nobody up there knew what I was thinking or going through, but Pastor said, "You've been grieving long enough," and I knew that he was right. He said that Jesus paid for our freedom, and we're free from the grief and pain. I knew he was so right, I need to reach out for the freedom from my stolen childhood that Jesus bought for me.

Pastor's sermon today was about God being our shepherd, Jehovah-raah, and how that if we truly follow Him, instead of just running to Him in the bad times, He is our strength, He is our help, He is the One to deliver us from temptation--BEFORE we do it. These are all areas that I am struggling with. There's no doubt I was supposed to hear this message. Like my friend Jeff, who's studying theology, reminds me, there is NO word for coincidence in the Hebrew language....

The text of the message was Hebrews 4:11-16 (all here KJV). The first thing that spoke to me in verse 11 was, "enter into that rest." I have been beating myself up, struggling to figure out why I can't seem to change the way I want to, why I can't be strong enough to do what I need to do, why I....me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Sounds like a vocal warm-up, not God's way of doing things.

I've liked the following verse for a long time: "Be still and know that I am God...." Psalm 46:10 KJV. I've known I need to be quiet so that He can work through me.

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." John 13:17 KJV

Yeah, I know, but....

I've been in a panic for awhile because of my lifelong habit of being immovable, waiting for God to 'tell' me what He wants me to do, and never moving on my own--unless it's an out-and-out dumb thing to do that I know I shouldn't be doing. I can own that, truly. (See: Divorce)

But I've been struggling now for three years trying to change myself to be good enough for God, or been waiting for Him to turn on some magical hidden switch inside of me. That's not how He's working, let me tell you.

Verse 11's phrase, "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest," now that makes sense to me when I think about what I've been trying to do, struggling to make myself do everything the right way--laboring to make things happen. I cannot make these things happen on my own. It's like the first part of the Serenity Prayer, which I loved way before I ever knew it was a 12-Step program mantra:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change what makes me think. I can't, I don't even know how to begin to change how I think since I don't know what makes me think it. (You think?) But, like verse 11 says, we have to work at resting in God. Only He can do it. "I can do all things THROUGH Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:13 KJV. It doesn't say, 'I can do all things with Him in the vicinity.... '

So, instead of laboring (struggling) to change me, I need to labor (work) at resting IN HIM. I need to seek Him every minute of the day. ("If ye know these things....")

No matter who said it (some say Benjamin Franklin, some say Einstein or some other), the definition of insanity truly is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's where I've been, and it's been driving me insane. No doubt about it. Short trip.

So, verse 12 talks about God's Word and the power It has in our lives. (See: "If ye know these things....") Undoubtedly the Word is a great weapon. When Jesus was tempted in the desert by the devil, what did He use to fight? He responded with Bible verses. Good enough for Jesus, better believe it's good enough for me! Just need to implement it in every millisecond of my day.

You know, I have been thinking a lot lately about a guy I met in a 12-Step program that I saw again awhile ago. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight, to the point I didn't recognize him until I heard him speak. I asked him how he did it, and he said he simply prayed before each and every bite of food he took. Wow. Sounds nutty hardcore fanatical poison-laced kool-aid-drinking-crazy, doesn't it?

But that's EXACTLY what we should be doing--that's what I need to do!!!

So, verse 13 hit close to home for me as well. It basically says that there's nothing out of God's view. We all know He's omniscient, but somehow I am never just down-and-out bare-faced honest with Him. Why? I know He sees everything, knows everything, is everywhere, so what makes me think if I don't acknowledge something He won't notice it?

I know that when I'm just being 100% completely real about something I feel so relaxed, unburdened, not tensed and in turmoil. In just being real with Him and allowing Him to do the work--man that really takes the pressure off!!! Not that I'm saying, "hey God, You do all the work, I'll just lie here and eat bonbons." But instead of trying to figure it out myself and getting into a frenzy, I need to labor to rest, seek Him and say, "OK God, here I am, I need Your wisdom." That sounds much more peaceful and productive.

I swear I've said all this before.

Verse 14 declares Jesus is our High Priest who is the ONLY One by Whom we go to the Father--not an earthly priest who merely hears our confessions; I'll just let that one go, but Jesus said no man comes to the Father but through Him, so we don't need to confess to anyone else--but verse 15 is truly extraordinary, and I never realized its implications.

Verse 15 says that Jesus understands our pain, our sin, our temptations because He EXPERIENCED THOSE SAME TEMPTATIONS and YET WAS SINLESS.

OK, so we know Jesus was without sin. We know He was tempted by the devil in the desert and the garden. But I never thought about Him being tempted by every temptation that I am tempted by. The pastor today said, "I bet you all are thinking He was tempted by 'little' temptations." Of course he pointed out that all sins are the same in God's eyes, but yes, I never ever thought about Jesus being tempted in the way some of us are. Can you imagine Him being tempted in some of the ways we are with sex and pornography, chemical or substance use, gambling, etc? If He bore all of our sins on the Tree, then He had to know all of the sin and temptation that ever was, is and will be.

Can you imagine, our Precious Savior being subjected to some of the perversions of this world, because He loves us? Wow.

OK, so, He wants us to quit trying to bare the labor of the work but to rest in Him, to use His Word to its full power potential and not as a burden or for condemnation, to just be honest with Him because He knows it all and has seen it all anyway, to have Him only as our High Priest--who had been tempted in every way imaginable and can therefore understand what we're going through, and then:

Verse 16: "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

He wants us to come honestly to Him with no pretense, not arrogantly as we might interpret 'boldly' today. And as the verse says, yes, we can obtain mercy for how we've screwed up, but we can obtain His grace so that we don't screw up to begin with; He knows how to keep from screwing up since He's already faced our challenges. That is so amazing.

So after Pastor closed, he had any of us who struggle with this, who struggle with not seeking God in all our times, not just times of trouble, who are so discouraged by our failure because we haven't realized the burden of life when given to Him becomes His responsibility. (Uff, what a relief!) Pastor told us that we are FREE INDEED in the Name of Jesus, we are not under that stress anymore if we accept this truth for our lives and implement it.

After the service, I talked to the couple who actually inspired me to go to this church. (Their light is so amazing.) I was telling them everything that's been going on in my and my family's life, and what I've been reading and discovering, and they thought it would be a good idea for me to go to the cemetery and 'talk to' and 'forgive' some of my relatives. We all know they're not there; it was simply an exercise of getting it off my chest, for me to at least speak out my feelings and then to forgive them from my heart.

My father's family are buried here so they are the ones I addressed. A lot of generational pain has gone on in both sides and so that is mostly what I talked about. I was surprised, however, that I spent so much time at my father's grave. Last year I had written him a letter and vented a lot of the repressed anger I had toward him. Today I really poured out pure hurt and pain. I really grieved there, really let out how badly he hurt me, and how his treatment has affected how I view myself, and all of my relationships. For the first time I spoke honestly about how he made me feel.

At his grave I said that I was hurt and sad that neither he, nor any of the other family members, had ever been brave enough to be honest about the whole family's dynamics and stepped up to try and stop the cycle of abuse, to stop the pain and stop hurting each other. Then I stopped and realized, that if they weren't brave enough, then that would mean--I'm brave. I am brave enough to look honestly at myself, my life, my relationships and try to change what isn't working, try to stop what does happen that shouldn't, and try to stop hurting those that I love. I am brave. I've NEVER thought of myself as brave. Cool. I'm brave!

I do wish they would have been able to step back and see what was really going on and try to fix it. I can't imagine what joy would have been in our family if it had happened. But, that's "how the cookie crumbles" as Pablo likes to say. I can't change the past, but sure can change for the future.

Well, I have always been very dramatic (No comments, please!), and have looked for ways to tie things together or make them more significant. I've been trying to avoid doing anything of the sort lately, but this evening I've been hearing the words to the song "Born Again" by Third Day, and they just speak how my heart rather feels. I don't feel like today was some angels-descending-lights-sparkling-poofing-clouds-sort-of-thing. The words just speak to me, and I feel like more of the weight of my past was chipped off. I'm making progress.

I'm including the lyrics to the song at the end of this post. Maybe they express something in your heart.

Be blessed!

:) Jan


"Born Again" Third Day

Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,

I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life

Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
Is so much more real than anything,

I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,

Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time,
In my life.

There's So Much Broken It Gets Overwhelming

So in reading Codependent No More I realized that I need to go deeper, go back further, if I'm going to have any hope of behaving differently.

I'm really screwed up.

A long time ago I picked up a book at a used book sale on a whim called Adult Children of Abusive Parents. I've had it for several years and have just overlooked it on the shelf amongst piles of others. Well, about a week ago I realized I needed to really deal with my childhood. No amount of trying to think differently can do me any good at this point because I've not known exactly why I think what I think. So how can one change what they think if they don't know what triggers it?

So anyway, I remembered the book I got so long ago and thought that maybe it could shed some light on some things for me. So far, so good. It relates a lot of stories of people who grew up in abusive families; the stories have reminded me of some of the things that went on when I was a kid. I can see a bit more why I might have some of the thoughts go through my mind that others don't.

The latest chapters have echoed back to my last therapist's talk of my Child Self. The book has exercises to do for a month in order to help heal that child. I have to say, speaking it out feels weird, though it makes complete sense to me. The behaviors that serve me the least as an adult are the most childish ones, that don't make sense to me as I'm doing them, but if seen from the point that as a child I didn't learn how to act or feel appropriately, I can understand where I'm coming from now.

The exercises require two to ten minutes twice a day of closing my eyes to "be aware," "hear," "feel," "imagine," and one of looking and "seeing". The first ones felt really strange, the next set felt rather good, the next ones I've just not been wanting to do. I've been resisting it. I've felt foolish doing them.

I feel ridiculous, to be honest. I am 35, I shouldn't have to be doing any of this stuff. I should be a complete adult that acts like one at all times, responds like one at all times, not someone who breaks out in tears or rage as a little girl would. It's so frustrating. But, at least the book has shown me that I'm not the only one in this world who acts this way, who never understood why they feel this way, who has frustrated the crap out of those around her....

I don't know. I feel like a freaking drama queen. I feel like all I do on here is get to the point of whining, wailing, sighing, crying, complaining. But I think I really am trying to just find the process that takes me to the woman I know that I can be, that's trapped inside the shell of the child that never got to grow up the 'right' way. Am I just whining?

Well I know I'm not even doing the exercises from the book like I'm supposed to be. I keep trying to avoid them. I think part of it is that I don't want to believe I'm screwed up. I don't know how this could even enter my mind when I consider all the piles of relationships, etc., that lay behind me on the path of my life. I know part of it is a fear of failure--afraid that I am wasting my time on yet another book or idea that won't work. Am I afraid it will work? I've been mulling over that one a bit and I can't imagine it, but it gnaws at me, so there must be something to it. Am I afraid that once I find the real me, I won't like her?

Tonight I saw a show on TLC called "The 650 lb. Virgin" about David, who has lost the weight (without surgery!) and now is just starting to date. I was truly inspired by his story and courage. I can't imagine what it was like to weigh that much. I know what 305 felt like and I know that it's a sickening feeling, a lonely feeling.

David said that he started gaining weight around age 6-7 and that relationship with food grew and ended up keeping him secluded from other people. He literally watched the world go by from his window. Listening to his story I wondered, "Did something sexual happen to him that started him on the path, the same as me?"

Yes, it did.

David revealed later to his trainer turned best friend, Chris, that he had been sexually molested twice as a child at age 6, and that that had started him on the journey with the food addiction. It made perfect sense to me, and his revelation only underscored for me how I got to this place, how I ended up getting to this point. Not only the sexual abuse, but the mental abuse, and the lifetime of anxiety and panic attacks pushed me down and deeper into feeling I was totally worthless, and as I've been examining it, has been driving me to kill myself, albeit, slowly, but indeed surely.

Yes, I've outright attempted suicide, but I've been trying to kill myself with food as long as I can remember being able to attempt it, haven't I? I've been diabetic for 9 years, and spent many as a shattered, non-stable diabetic. I'm still not as good with it as I should be. I need to try harder--I want to try harder--and it's through finding the core issues that make me act, think, react in the ways that I do that I need to find. My life depends on it.

A friend of mine has made fun of me in essence for just reading and not applying. I was almost deterred from continuing to read the above books. I took a break thinking, maybe I am just trying one thing after another instead of buckling down and just doing it Nike-style. But I've been trying to just do it myself and I can't, obviously, 'cause I've not been able to do anything but fail, disappoint myself and others, and get discouraged.

So, I might not be in the right lane, but I know I'm on the right road to finding me. I know I have to keep going. I need to find the answer to changing how I am as a result of what was done to or for me. I AM taking responsibility for my life by doing this. Maybe it's not overt ACTION, but I can't act yet, I don't know how to. I'm still a kid, I have to grow up, I have to find someone who can mold me into the adult I should be by now.

I hope--no I KNOW--there are others out there that understand what it's like to be a giant kid and not know why or how to stop being one. I hope that maybe one of you will someday stumble onto my story and see how I've accomplished what you want to accomplish, too. Like Randy Pausch said, it's hard getting over that wall, but it's helpful to others to let them know how you did it. I'll let you know, I know I'll do it somehow.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Overwhelmed by Illnesses

I am feeling quite overwhelmed right now. I'm back to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm not bitter, I'm not writing this to wallow in it, I simply feel like I need to get it off of my chest and do not want to unload it all over any human that is physically near me. Somehow writing it here is like blowing it in the wind, giving it no weight with which to burden myself or anyone else.

I've seen 4 different doctors in the last 5 days and have had myriad tests. I had two appointments just today, and have two braces, one ankle and one wrist--which makes typing a bit difficult with only one hand! My fibromyalgia symptoms are highly magnified by the problems I've been having. I'm still experiencing extreme exhaustion, low blood pressure, chest pains, trouble breathing, other pain.... I could start whining here to be honest, but I won't. I'll just leave it at cataloging the major issues and not spend any more time on it.

Wah.

*Sigh.*

Move on.

So, I need to do a good word study on healing in the Bible. I've looked up a few verses in the past, and so here's what I've found:

"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise." Jeremiah 17:14 KJV

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a KJV

"O LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me." Psalm 30 :2 NKJV

"Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: 'I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you.'" II Kings 20:5b NKJV

I know that God has a long history of healing His people. I know that Jesus died on the cross to heal me and that "by His stripes we are healed" (KJV). I know that God does not want/need a sick army! I know that God is Jehovah-rapha, "The LORD Our Healer." I know these things....

And yet, here I am, with all of these physical and mental symptoms.

I wonder sometimes if I simply lack the faith it takes for complete healing. I know that God allows things to happen to us--I do NOT believe that it is God's will for me to be sick. There's no way He would will such a thing. Not a doubt in my mind. I wonder sometimes if I am not under attack of the enemy. I wonder sometimes if it's all in my head. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get better.

I know that "all things work together for good" as it says in Romans 8:28, and that any illness that I may endure can be used for His glory. I know these things.

But, I feel what I feel, and I am trying to harness those feelings and not let them get out of control. I know that when I over-think something, allow myself to become anxious about something, my thoughts can overtake me and render me full of fear. I know I need to stop those thoughts from developing, by simply letting them go. I don't want to get into the 'churning place' of anxiety anymore, it's no fun there!

I also am realizing that I am trying to 'fix' so many things at once that again I have become overwhelmed and have started to feel hopeless again. I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's taken me 35 years to get here. It's not going to *poof* away overnight--gosh I wish it would!!! But I need to take the proverbial ONE DAY AT A TIME and stop trying to make it all happen at once.

Have I written all of this before, or does it just seem like it?

Well, it is what it is, and I am who I am, and so there you have it. I'm not giving up. I know that this, too, shall pass. I know this. I just need to focus on what I CAN do and quit fighting the reality of what I can't do until someday I can do it!

And I know my hand hurts and so I need to stop for now.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Eureka, I'm Codependent!

Well, I've discovered a book all about me: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I can tell it's going to make some sense out of the nonsense I've been calling life.

I have been beating myself up for not being the person I should be and trying to figure out why I haven't been able to overcome the things I keep doing over and over. (Interestingly enough, the fact that I just said 'should' is a codependent thing....)

Here're the first couple of things that made complete sense about what I have been doing my whole life that have not been working:

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

ding-ding-ding!!! I have and have had certain people in my life whose opinions I hold in such high regard that I obsess about what they think about me, and what they would think about whatever I'm doing at the time, etc.

"[Codependency] lies in...the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive 'helping,' caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process."

Whew, wow, OK, sounds a bit familiar...yes even the peculiar and bizarre. It took me awhile to own the last part about grief, but when I got to thinking about how long I grieved for my dad, and how I would see someone who looked like him or dressed like him, saw a van that looked like his, it was like he died all over again or he was there affecting me with mental abuse, or numerous sorts of things. It doesn't happen very often anymore, but that grief thing, yeah, it's on track.

Ohmygosh, here's more:

"[Codependents] have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk."

I could cry, truly, because for once I am seeing in print exactly how I have felt but could never explain to anyone why I felt that way. I have spent so long feeling so inadequate, so worthless. My entire life of reactions and decisions have been a mystery to me because I never understood why on earth I have done the things I've done, especially when once I'm called out to see what I'm doing, I can't tell you why I've done it or what led me to do it. I swear sometimes Pablo thinks I'm making things up or lying because my actions do not make sense to him. They don't make sense to me and I'm the one doing them, so what does one make of that? I didn't know before, but at least I have hope that if I don't come to understand why I've done something, at least maybe I won't do it anymore.

Oh gosh, here's a BIG one for me:

"Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. Many codependent reactions are reactions to stress and uncertainty of living...."

I'm so tired of not acting but only reacting. But I've been trying to figure out how I can cause myself to act instead of react, when that's how I've always done it. I'm hoping this book will show me the keys to unlocking these things inside me that have been hidden since, well, I don't know if I've ever used them before. Oh good, Chapter 6 we'll be getting into that!

I know that my codependency comes from the relationship with my father. He was so overwhelming in so many aspects. He was the center of the universe for our family. Whatever mood he was in dictated whatever mood we were in. And, of course, not necessarily for long, because he could change moods or something could set him off in the blink of an eye. (Love to deny I'm anything like that....)

We had to walk on eggshells. We had to do things his way because he said so. We never seemed to do anything right. We were stupid, worthless, couldn't think for ourselves.... I realize that somewhere in there I gave up on ever trying to be anything but wrong, and gave up on trying to figure out anything for myself because I was wrong, stopped planning to do anything because we would do whatever he wanted anyway, and just tried to stay out of the way and make sure he was kept in a good mood if possible. It was a lot of work, and I wasn't very successful at it. I longed to make him proud, to do something well, to do something right. I've sought out men's approval my entire life because of it.

I figure that's why I had panic attacks since I can remember. I got to the point that nothing I did was good enough and so I panicked if I had to do anything short of follow directions--which I resented and have resented having to do because I know I have a brain, and when I'm not overanalyzing everything I think the darn thing works pretty well. But I've become so consumed with not doing something wrong, and about what people will think about me and what I have done that I'm afraid to do, say, or think anything that might be 'wrong'.

I spend so much time in overwhelming anxiety over what could be that I don't get anything accomplished. Pablo gets mad at me because my fear of screwing up or looking stupid keeps me from doing anything. I surely don't like it myself and would love to stop doing it. I simply haven't figured out what it takes to flip the switch over yet. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for me to get it, and who will be left in my life by the time I do?

Oh my goodness, there's a list several pages long of characteristics of codependents that I've gone through now, and let me tell you, out of 233 (if I counted correctly) possible characteristics of codependency, I DON'T think I have problem with 6 of them.... Here's what they are:

1.) Equate love with pain.

I must say that any 'love' relationship I have been in has been filled with pain, but I know that a truly loving and honest relationship may have painful times, but not as a result of one or both of the people inflicting pain on the other person intentionally.

2.) Think God has abandoned them.
3.) Lose faith and trust in God.

Neither of those are accurate. I know that without God I am completely lost and if anything I know that it's only through His grace that He sticks with me and I am blessed because of it!

4.) Wonder if they'll ever not be angry.

I don't feel that I am angry a lot, but rather not happy. Pablo has to call me out on how negative I talk and how easily I see what sucks than what's extraordinary. I want to change that for sure.

I was thinking about it, and it's not that I start out the day happy and then as things happen throughout the day, get worse and worse. I start out unhappy and things get worse throughout the day. I've tried to remind myself to get happy, with notes here and there, writing it on my hand the night before. Should you really have to remind yourself to be happy? Does that mean I am just an unhappy person with no prospects of ever being happy, that in my core I am rotten?

No, I don't believe that. I know that I need to stick closer to God and then His light will shine.

5.) Be extremely responsible.

Oh, I wish that were true but I've tried to quit lying even if it's a little white lie or if it's only lying to myself, so I know I can't mark THAT one.

6.) Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.

I'm SO glad that I haven't done that!!! I know with all of the meds I've taken that I could abuse prescription pills if I wanted to, but I've never in the least bit been interested in that. I've never been into illegal drugs either, though I've wondered what Ecstasy or LSD feels like, though maybe everyone has wondered that, and like Bill Clinton, I tried to inhale, but just couldn't....

They should have added a few things to that list besides those chemicals: FOOD? Now that's something I KNOW I'm addicted to. I fell off the wagon last night and today as a result of some very emotional situations. I sometimes wish it was a chemical I am addicted to--you can live without alcohol or drugs, but you cannot live without food. It sucks. It's my comfort, my entertainment, my friend, my enemy! The book does say it later, though: "Many people with eating disorders are codependents."

I don't know what to expect out of reading this book. I'm definitely hopeful, but a bit trepidatious. I guess only time and action will tell--hopefully not time waiting for something to happen and not reaction.... I've spent too much of my life already trying to get over the past doing the same crap.

As the quotation that is commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein states:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I surely don't want to be insane, and I'm tired of things turning out like crap. Let's try something new, even if I fail, at least it's DIFFERENT! I want to be codependent no more, I want to stand on my own (with GOD!) and act like an adult, act 'normal,' not be buggered about what everybody might think about what I'm saying or doing. I just want to be ME. Oh, that sounds good indeed!

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Looking for Joy

OK, so here I am, heading back into the pit of despair. I've been cutting myself off from people, cutting myself off from God, cutting myself off from myself. I hate it when I do that, and I know what I need to do in order not to go there. My real quandary is how to get myself to do what I need to do before I have to be jerked out of the hole by none other than Pablo.

So what is it that I need to do?

Start and spend my days with God.

Why don't I do it automatically?

Because somehow I think that if I just do a few things and then come back to God then it'll be OK: the life-long procrastinator.

Not working, must change.

The weird thing is I've been doing all sorts of word studies, etc. in the Bible, but they do me no good if I don't put them into practice. I let whatever is happening in my life, or not happening, dictate how I respond to life. Ugh, here we go with emotion again. I know that I find encouragement when I read His Word and let Him know how I'm feeling.

OK, so, let me run by you some things I've been looking up in the Bible, and hopefully that will underscore in my own mind what I need to do. According to God's Word, good things happen if we seek Him. You probably have heard this one:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not grow weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 KJV

OK, so how about these?

"And you who seek God, your hearts shall live." Psalm 69:32b NKJV

"I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently will find Me. Riches and honor are with Me, enduring riches and righteousness." Proverbs 8:17-18 NKJV

Sounds pretty good to me, though realize of course that He's not saying follow Me and roll in gold, and we shouldn't follow Him just so we're living the good life--but Jehovah-jireh is our Provider, how awesome!

"But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing." Psalm 34:10b NKJV

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:3-7a NKJV

I'm going to throw this next part in for free. If you look closely when you read the Bible you will sometimes see "the LORD" and "GOD" and other times they will not be in all caps. Ever wonder what the difference is? Well, I'm taking some Bible classes and the instructor explained that those capitalized versions are when the scriptures say Yahweh or what we hear more often, Jehovah. And the really cool thing about Yahweh is that in Hebrew it is made up of 4 letters, you know the Jews do not spell out the name of God but always type it YHWH.

Anyway, the four letters really encompass all that God is, including Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The letters literally mean hand, breath, and nail: the Hand of God: our Creator and Most Powerful of powers; the Breath of God: Our Holy Spirit; Our Nail-Pierced Saviour, Christ Jesus. And what really blows me away is that most Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah, and yet He was crucified and pierced (Psalm 22:16c "they pierced my hands and my feet."), just as the Hebrew word for God from the Torah states! So many mysteries revealed in every aspect of the Lord and His Word!

God rocks.

OK, so there are a lot more passages I could quote for you on seeking God, but I want to move on to finding rest in Him. So, if you want to look more up, here are the references:

Deuteronomy 4:29-31, Psalm 42:3-5, Psalm 51:6-8, 10, 12, Psalm 119:2-7, Proverbs 2:3-12a, 20-21, Proverbs 8:32-35, Jeremiah 29:12-14a, Matthew 5:6, Hebrews 11:6

So, then, I have been monstrously exhausted for the last several weeks. I started taking Vitamin D as I am very deficient, and have Googled the side effects and they really don't match how I feel, though anything is possible; I always seem to have weird reactions to things. The other thing that I've started is being more diligent in studying the Word and have had an increased desire to really know God. I believe the enemy does not like that too well, and he knows after all these years of watching me that when I get sick, exhausted and/or depressed I fall away from purposeful living. I hate him.

So, anyway, in trying to combat this extreme fatigue I decided to look up passages about rest. I'm sure you've heard this one:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Here are a few more:

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" Exodus 33:14 NKJV

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'" Isaiah 30:15a-b NKJV

"Thus says the LORD: 'Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls.'" Jeremiah 6:16a-b NKJV

I'm seeing a pattern here: seek God, find rest--and a whole lot of other amazing things! I know I need to start my day with Him, He is the best friend that I have, He is the one Who truly knows my sorrows and pain as He bore them on the tree, He is the one who cares for me and loves me like no other.

Father God, I need You, I want to know You more and more. Awaken in me the longing for you as David had, who panted after you as the deer pants for water! Holy Spirit, speak louder in my ear that I would listen to You and Your Words.

So, to close, let me quote you a really cool passage that tells us how God cherishes us:

"The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

How awesome is it to think that God sings over us, that He delights in us? I get so discouraged and upset with myself when I fail; it's so amazing to think that He can find joy in me. I want Him to have more joy in me. I know that in seeking His joy, I will find mine. (And yes, I already did a word study on joy; maybe next time I'll give you those passages.)

Be blessed,

:) Jan

Exploring Expletives

I went to see the movie "Julie & Julia" with my mother (Julia who goes by Julie) on Labor Day. The movie is based on the true story of writer and blogger Julie Powell who decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cookbook in the span of one year and blog about it. The story intertwined with the life story of Julia herself; it was so interesting to learn about the classically trained quirky chef and the things that she and her husband went through. Yes, basically it was a "chick flick" but I enjoyed it for its closer to truth than fiction story lines.

Anyway, considering this post is about expletives, I suppose I should make the segue to why "Julie & Julia" relates to the topic. The movie was virtually free from any foul language--aside from duck deboning or poultry trussing, har har har--and sexual innuendo with pasta. The most blatant expletive usage was the part of which my mother did not approve: the F Word placed at an entirely fitting and completely hilarious moment.

Confession: I dig the F Word and all its variations. It is one of my all-time favorite words, perfect in so many usage possibilities: noun, verb, adjective, in compound forms...so satisfying in its nastiness (with a lot of possibilities I'd forgotten about until I Googled the etymology of it). If not for the fact that it makes me sound so uneducated and uncouth I would use the F Word with reckless abandon. It is, unfortunately, a habit that rears its ugly head mostly on those occasions when I am interacting with obstinate inanimate objects, obnoxious or inept drivers, or, I'm most embarrassed to say, when my mother pushes my last button.

My mother HATES the F Word. Vehemently. Passionately. Abhors it. That is what originally inspired my desire to use it in her presence.

My father, on the other hand, was a most gifted and proficient curser. He was in the military and certainly retained many colorful expressions from that time. And as I practically worshiped him as a child, I wanted to emulate him. And, of course, in school it was so cool to cuss behind adults' backs. I became a pro profaner. And bottom line, I just liked the way it sounded and how it gave power to my speech.

I have tried to kick the habit and clean up my language and have been able to considerably limit the usage of expletives. When I start getting wound up I tend to use quite a few--something I still really need to work on.

But, I've been really thinking about words and how the Bible says that life and death is in our tongues. I have come to realize I've been dividing expletives and such into two categories: completely evil and really-meaningless-yet-not-so-nice.

I abhor taking God's name in vain! I do not OM_ opting for "ohmygosh" or something similar to make a point, and I can't believe how many avowed Christians use God's name so flippantly. He must be so grieved that people have become so blasé that they don't think twice about cursing Him. I'm not perfect, of course, especially when it comes to things like, "Oh, Lord" or something similar when not beseeching Him. How many of us use it and don't think about it? I've caught myself doing it and have felt so ashamed.

It's easy to become self-righteous about overt blasphemy like taking God's or Jesus' name in vain, but how often do the phrases roll off of our tongues and we don't blink an eye? Why don't we think it's a big deal to OM_ but have hissies over the F Word or slang for body parts?

I have stopped watching many movies and reading many books for taking God's name in vain in one way or another. I think it only took 3 minutes of "Hancock" for Will Smith to take Jesus' name in vain. I still remember he landed inside the car and then said it. Can't tell you what happened after that. I put down one of Nicholas Sparks' last books not too far into it for the character saying Jesus' name in vain.

I can't even tell you the last time I listened to mainstream radio. I realized several years ago that I have to be careful about the music that I listen to because I have such a connection with music, enjoy singing so much that I really take the lyrics to heart. When I listened to some songs I ended up thinking about doing things I shouldn't or feeling bad about not being like the people in the songs or having what they were singing about--mostly to do with men, love, sex, a beautiful body.... Yes I've heard, seen and read a whole lot less, but I can say that there's been a lot less "garbage in" thus producing much less "garbage out."

Why is blasphemy so accepted that people don't even bat an eye anymore? A friend of mine said the Sparks book was so great. When she asked me later how I liked it I told her I didn't finish it and why. She said she hadn't even noticed, and she's a Christian. How sad.

OK, so then when you think about other things that we say: take "damn". Now there's a word we shouldn't be slinging around, especially followed by "you" and definitely not preceded with God's name! I tend to catch myself damning "its". And then there's "Hell" that definitely should not be used lightly! I think if we were more serious about making sure people weren't going there and not so focused on fitting into the world we might take notice of some of these things.

You know another word we really shouldn't use so casually is "holy." I've been to Toledo, and it's not all that. I love me some cows--they're udderly fantastic and hay, I cud milk the puns for all they're worth--but really, they are not holy! Shouldn't we limit our usage of that word to the One Who truly is holy? My Saviour's Name, my Almighty Creator's Name is precious, and the reality of salvation and damnation should make those of us who should "know better" to choose our words more carefully.

So, when you think about the F Word, it's not quite on the same plane as these other infractions, it's just a word. It is not a nice word, and it can definitely be used to get into trouble with someone sexually, or can be used to hurt or incite someone to anger, but is it so bad?

Well, the Bible says we should refrain from all bad language and speaking:

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Ephesians 4:29 KJV

"But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. And their message will spread like cancer." II Timothy 2:16-17a NKJV

The F Word may only be a word with no real spiritual significance, but bottom line, I should not be using it, should not be telling any off-color or down-right dirty jokes, or making any sexual innuendos whatsoever. What it comes down to is can what I say cause someone else to stumble, or give them an excuse to not want to be a hypocrite Christian like me? I don't want to take the chance!

So, there you have it, my exposition exposing extraneous and exploitative expletives.

Have you truly listened to yourself lately? Do you know what others are hearing you say? Do you realize what God is hearing you say?

My mom used to wash my mouth out with liquid dish soap when I was a kid--she would probably be jailed with my removal from her custody in today's pansy world. But I was such a little tyrant that I would smack my lips and exclaim how good it was and would actually ask for more.

You have to hand it to my mom, she tried her best with what she had to work with. I have told her before she should have beat me within an inch of my life, but it's too late now!!! Maybe I should employ the dish soap deterrence system to keep me from further expletive explosions. Naaaaaaaaaaah! But I definitely want to clean up my language and bring glory to My Heavenly Father. Shouldn't we all?

Be blessed-

Jan

Another WOW Moment & Kick in the Pants

So, I just had a two and a half hour conversation with Pablo and he gave me more "wows" and helped me see what I've been doing and face more truths about myself. Praise God, but golly, how many more things do I need to get kicked over before I "get it" myself and stop acting foolishly?

(By the way, there will be a good post in the future about expletives, but I couldn't concentrate because of this, so stay tuned....)

I've been leaning unto my own understanding. Not a good call on my part. I've been allowing fear to dominate my life still and yet not seeing it that way. I've been trying to force plans and panicking about what I think I should be doing instead of finding where God wants me to be according to His time and plan.

Ugh, I feel like a big screw-up right now, but I'm glad to be getting over the looking stupid part and just try to see the light. Poor Pablo, I am so glad he's in my life but I know he's about tired of my crap and that I never seem to "get it". I'm tired of that, but I think it's because I've been trying to use my brain to figure things out instead of asking God and seeking help from others. I cannot be left to my own devices.

That's actually pretty much what this morning's sermon was about: letting God work in and through us instead of trying to do it ourselves. I have been asking God to get me out of my own (His) way. I've been asking that, but I haven't been actively doing it myself. I'm not quitting God or giving up on serving Him, but I know I'm not trying hard enough to just rest in Him while being active in my pursuit of Him and being everything He wants me to be.

Now, I have been a quitter my whole life. If something's too hard, if it seems like I just don't get it, if I'm thinking I'm probably a bigger problem than I could actually be a solution, whatever it is that is going through my head at the time, whatever it is that I am obsessing about or focusing on, that's what makes me quit.

I quit the history fair in grade school when one of my friends decided not to do it because it just was too much work and we shouldn't make the effort. (Jan the Follower didn't see the destination of accomplishment & learning, just the journey of work & effort with the possibility of failure.) I quit the Women in the Sciences program in junior high because I wanted to seem cool to the same friend who was quitting 'cause it just was too boring. (Jan the Follower) I wanted to quit band my freshman year of high school because I wasn't as good at it as my brother and didn't want to work as hard at it as he did, but my mom made he keep at it. (Jan the Lazy & Fearful of Failure)

Gosh, I've sat here thinking about the things I've done or not done, accomplished or not accomplished, and about the question that Pablo asked me: what motivates me?

I've been a very selfish person. I've been motivated by money, I've been motivated by how it makes me look to others, I've been motivated by the hope for acceptance, I've been motivated by guilt, by fear, by sense of duty, but I've also been motivated by love, compassion, the sense of doing what's right, all very unselfish motives. I've had a lot of different motivations in doing or not doing many things.

So, now, the big questions: what do I really want to do, and why do I really want to do them? And the next big things are, how will I accomplish them, what lengths will I go to finish the tasks, and are my true motivations going to make me succeed--or will I fail or quit like I have so many times?

Well, I need to really peel away all the shoulds and coulds, and decide where my heart lies. What is my attitude toward all of the things I might do, and what do I think my true calling is? What have I labeled myself as, why am I afraid of some of the labels I might have, and why do I think I have to have a label at all?

Since I lost my full-time job last year I have been in limbo. This job was a source of income, a source of insurance, a source of an identity. It was not a source of pride, a source of accomplishment, a source of challenges to make me grow. But I mourned the loss of my comfort and my pride.

Losing that job was one of the best things that has happened to me. But I have dreaded the question: "Where do you work?" because to me and the typical American, that 40-hour a week position with benefits and retirement defined my role as a productive--and acceptable--member of society.

I didn't see that I was just a fake bankrupt character not giving my best at something that didn't make me want to be the best. However, since then, how have I defined myself? Mainly as a failure. Have I really tried to be anything more than that? Not really except that Praise God I finally in the last couple of months figured out that I need to live in the Light of God and actively work for Him.

Awesome!

Except:

I have been frantically trying to apply my definition of what really following God is, and that definition has been wrong. Thank God above that He had Pablo kick me again to make me realize that I have had it all wrong, and I've been trying to force a black and white idea of what I think I "should" be on God. And, in doing that and planning some grand scheme of a new life I was quitting everything that hasn't been working in my life--and not working because I had not been working, because I had again quit and given up because what I thought should happen by now hasn't been happening so obviously I shouldn't be doing it.

Yes, sort-of. I shouldn't be doing it the way I have been doing it. Aha! (Wow.)

So, then, back to motives: why have I been doing/not doing what I've been doing where I am? Fear. Indecision. Plain old giving up instead of seeing the big picture. Forgetting where I started.

Thank God again Pablo reminded me of where we started and how far we've come, and how we even began. If not mainly for him, we would not be where we are--because of all of the reasons I listed above that have resulted in me not accomplishing much of anything.

I'm going to be completely vulnerable here: since I have let so many of those things cause me to fail in the past, what makes me think I can do it this time? How many things have I started and never finished?

Oh gosh, that list would be a long sucker.

I have to be honest here and say I'm scared. I'm scared I am going to fail.

But, I'm scared of not trying and that scares me worse than the possibility of failure.

I know if I don't try then I might as well hang it up right now, sell all that I have left, move in with my mom, give up and die before I reach 50 like the doctors say I will anyway. That would be SO easy.

My mom would take care of me. I could be selfish and let her. She would do it, and I have plenty of excuses as to why I could go that way. I've been diagnosed with just under a dozen pretty major conditions. She can work circles around me. She's lonely and would like the companionship. I'm alone and would have somebody taking care of me. I love my mom, she loves me, and I know she believes that I am a victim of a lot of bad circumstances, and that bottom line I am her sick little fat girl she needs to take care of.

Ouch. Let's just put it out there.

I've played the victim my whole life. I have indeed been a victim of many painful things throughout my life, but I DO NOT want those things to define me any longer. If I would choose to give up and let my mom take care of me then I would be giving in to playing the victim. Unfortunately she has been doing the same thing for many years as well. We've both been drama queen victims wallowing in the fact that life isn't fair and we've been too afraid to be hurt any more.

It would be so easy for me to exploit the co-dependant relationship we've had. I have plenty of reasons why I could give up. It's just too hard to accomplish anything when you have as many physical ailments as I. How can you think when you barely sleep, have "brain fog" are in constant pain, are plagued by depression and anxiety...? And since Dad died, Mom has been lonely, and fearful, so we would be in a sense taking care of each other....

I rebuke it all in the name of Jesus! I am not defined by diagnoses, and if I stay in that mindset I am dead already. We are no longer victims of past abuse. I choose to live, and to do so, I must choose how I am going to live, and decide what's most important to me.

I need to keep these things in front of my eyes. How do I do that? Am I really so shallow that I don't have that sticking ability? I seem to always unravel once the passion of the moment subsides, as Pablo said, once the emotion fades. My resolve and motivations must be strong or I will let go again and quit.

My parents are two of the reasons why I have always done these things, I know that, but I can't continue doing it just because they inspired or encouraged these traits. I know that a lot of the reasoning behind my quitting things is fear, and the fear is driven by my diminished self-esteem resulting from my father's mental abuse. My mother has always been plagued by low self-esteem and fear, and just caved-in when things were too hard, ran away from them or simply cried. I learned from the best two on why or how to avoid things.

But, I can't live in the past, I can't blame them forever. I have to take responsibility. And I have to admit I'm worried that maybe deep down I am shallow.

No, I can't believe that. I know the truth about what God made me to be: I'm fearfully and wonderfully made--but not made to be fearful. God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. And the work that He started in me He will not quit until it is finished. He Who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Oh, God, why is it so hard to be what You want me to be and what I want me to be? If You could just go ahead and flip that switch in my heart and head that changes me, I'd be really grateful!

All right, so then, balls to the wall, I'm deciding what's important to me, and why they're important to me, and that they're important enough to WORK at, and having faith that I will succeed in persevering and not being a quitter.

Now seriously, let me give myself a bit of credit. I have wanted to quit working on the business stuff since about the beginning because of being so scared and just fearful of trying anything at all, being afraid I was too sick to see it through, and because of the volatile relationship Pablo and I had at the beginning. Here we are nearly 3 years later and I'm still here. Now, technically I was ready to quit tonight, but not to do nothing and let my mom take care of me.

I want to work for God and I know that He has a calling on my life.

However, I was trying to force His Hand in a way, dictating what I thought He would want of me, and thinking it was that way or the highway. But thank God He gave Pablo such discernment and a window into my heart and head that he made me realize what I was doing was not according to God's will, but what I was telling God His will was.

And let me be honest, I know that my relationship with my mom is one that tempts me to just do nothing, and I keep thinking I need to escape from it and leave this place. If I'm supposed to be working for God, and I need to get away from where I am, I made the giant leap to packing up and moving half-way around the world as the answer.

Once I think about it and deconstruct all of my behavior I really seem so very foolish and childish. I'm embarrassed by my gung-ho "my way" grandiose yet escapist thinking. Thank God He sent my best friend and covenant relationship partner Pablo to tell me when I'm acting like an imbecile and getting too big for my britches, or allowing my fear to dictate my actions.

OK, so, what does all of this mean? This means that right now I'm in my WOW! stage and am feeling like I can march through the world and conquer everything! So then, that means I need to go pray now, and tomorrow, and forever, to just stay raw and vulnerable about who I am and am not, and about what I want to do while making sure I'm in God's will: take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

Now let me say one thing I've been learning about God's will, and one lie in my head that has the ability to keep me immobile: there is no great light bulb that is going to come on over my head, no great big magic wand that's going to come out of thin air and bonk me on the head sending stardust into my eyes so I can magically see His will, no great booming voice saying, "Aha! Yes, move now, this is My will!" Poof! Eureka, you've got it!

I've been waiting for that my whole life and that has rendered me useless.

That's a big reason why I was trying to force God's Hand in my plans because I have spent so much time waiting and doing nothing that I decided to do the polar opposite, decided I better saddle up and ride, full steam ahead! (I do so love mixed metaphors.)

I don't know why I tend to think it always has to be one way or the other. I don't have to define God's definition of serving Him for Him according to my preconceived notions. But I do know that there are things in my heart that I still want to do for Him. Pablo made me see that I was just trying to force it how I thought it had to be. I don't like being so blind--God give me eyes to see, ears to hear, a clean heart and a renewed spirit, please.

OK, so moving away from Plan B, which is what I was on...to Plan...G, I think.

And I need to stop trying to partition life into certain segments and think they shouldn't interact. Hello!?!?! Where did I begin with Pablo, with business? With God. And with God, all things are possible, right? So why wouldn't they still interact? Why would I think one is interfering with the other?

Oh God, I've been foolish in my thinking. Thank You for showing me my errors in thinking, and for sending me Pablo.

OK, so I guess that's where I will leave it for now. Not at all what I thought I would be writing as my next post. I already have the other one written and intended to just type it up. Wrong-o. And I'm so glad, I'm so glad that I can use this blog to work through my issues.

I wonder sometimes if this blather helps anyone out there at all. Does anyone aside from a couple of my friends read this--and gosh, considering how much I have put out here, what on earth must they be thinking of me?

When I started the blog I thought maybe my stories would help other people see that they're not the only ones going through stuff--that I was making a difference. In the middle, I lost that and hoped that people were "reading me" and I was important, until I forgot to remember my place in Christ and went with the lie that I was crazy--ugh those are painful posts to reread let me tell you, though I praise Him that He brought me out of that Egypt!

But over the last couple of months I've realized that my motivation has changed back to what it was in the beginning, with the addition that it's not that I am looking to help someone or else it's not worth it, a false sense of being needed or important, but into a hope that in baring my heart and hurts, in releasing the pain or pleasure that my life brings, I may be able to help someone, even if I never have a clue about it, and really, I'm helping me be a better me, so I am helping myself.

How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself? Writing in this blog helps me love myself. That's really cool to realize actually.

So, anyway, that's where I am: Plan G. I'll keep you posted, literally.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Why is sex such an issue???

Are all singles plagued by overwhelming sexual urges? Or am I the only...one of five?

For the last week and one half especially I have been just inundated with opportunities for sex. I know that the enemy is trying to bring me down with one of my weaknesses but geesh, give me a break!

Apparently it is something that A LOT of people battle, but we never talk about because it is too taboo, especially among Christians. Sometimes I wish I was a 'ho' so I could just have at it. (lol) But I know that the harder I try to behave, the more opportunities I have to fall, the more I tend to think about what I shouldn't be thinking about. Can I get a witness???

It's been in so many different forms I know that satan is trying all that he can to make me fall. I have one friend in particular that I get into trouble with. We hardly ever talk on the phone and when we do we end up going where we shouldn't. I swear, if I did get pregnant I'd have a bouncing baby cell phone! At least it's safe sex, right?

Anyway, a wild one this week was a guy I went to high school with. He popped up to chat which he has done occasionally. We usually chat about movies or memories, friends, just innocuous subjects. Well, this time he started asking me if I was looking at porn and what I was doing. I laughed it off at first figuring that he was joking, but it soon became VERY clear that he was not. He was hot and he was looking for some play. Thankfully we were interrupted because I tell you, my resolve to behave was wearing down.

We ended up talking again a few days later after I had sent him an email that we needed to behave because I am trying to really follow God. He was cool with it, but he ended up going for it again. We eventually got into a long conversation about relationships and finding happiness--my greatest desire is to be married again and I don't want to taint that with extraneous sexual encounters. I want love and I won't settle for less, bottom line. Well, he ended up getting really upset and saying we should just give it up now because we were too different.

Um, OK???

We had gone out once about a year ago and I never got the impression that he liked me at all. So, then, does that mean he did, he does--well he doesn't now because he won't even respond to me. I'm completely confused over that one! I figure he just wanted to get some and I got all 'relationship' on him.

Then there's this other one. Now this one REALLY blows my mind. A younger friend ended up finding me online and we started talking. So he started getting sexual and admitted that he is a virgin and he asked me if I would take his virginity! I am still in shock. That just blows my mind.

A.) That a man can still be a virgin in this world.
B.) That he sought me out to ask to lose it with.
C.) That satan is trying so hard to make me fall.
D.) All of the above.

I'm just floored.

Well, not exactly. The timing is significant indeed. This week we did a fast for church as today we had an amazing healing service. I have been trying to really follow God and listen to His urging, listen to His voice, to be completely baptised in the Spirit, to give myself up to Him in every way. So, of course the devil would try all that he could to make me fall. He even sent a lesbian into my path, but let's just leave that one where it lies, which would be nowhere.

So, I've had an interesting string of weird sexual advances all in an attempt to derail me from God's plan for my life. Did I mess up? Sure. Will I again? I have no doubt. Am I free indeed? Absolutely. Can satan keep me down by either tripping me up with sex, or by making me wallow in guilt? Nope.

I look forward to the beautiful expression of love that I will one day have with my husband. I have no doubt that God has a wonderful godly man for me, a man with whom I will serve Him. It is precious to me and I want to honor that. Yes, I need to make a bigger effort to not fall--I should probably stop answering the phone--but I will not be tempted past what God has given me the ability to handle:

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Amen. Be blessed!

- Jan

*** A friend and reader sent me this link after I posted this: Jesus Wants the Rose a sermon by Matt Chandler that really spoke closely to my life. ***

I Believe I Can Fly

I have this song stuck in my head, and that's a great song to keep playing like that. I'm not sure who wrote it, but the writer HAD to know about our beautiful Savior. Here're the lyrics; I italicized the ones that really speak of God to me:

"I Believe I Can Fly"

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar

I see me running through that open door

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

- - -

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Sometimes silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Oh I believe I can fly...

- - -

Yes, we can do it, but we have to believe it--and God tells us all throughout the Scriptures about His love and promises for us. We can do all things through Christ Who gives us strength (Phil 4:13).

But the enemy loves to make us think we can't do anything, or tells us how we've failed over the years, how people have failed us over the years, how impossible it may seem, oh so many lies and possibilities. The key is that we need to stay in the Word and keep God's promises fresh in our minds, and to encourage each other to do the same.

It's hard to have endured a lifetime of verbal abuse or low self-esteem that's lies, if left unchecked, can spiral me into a deep depression. I've been working very hard over the last couple of months to change my negative thinking, to change my attitude, to keep myself close to God and those who will help me to stay positive. It's something I know I need to be vigilant about.

I know in this day and age people are pretty blase about 'needing' to go to church. I think one of the biggest problems is that people aren't going to the right church, or going for the right reasons. Yes, technically you don't have to go to church. It's not a requirement for salvation. However, the Word says to not forsake the assembling together--for a good reason!

I am in the most amazing church now. I spent 33 years in churches that did not minister to me. To me they were filled with people trying to act like perfect Christians (me included), didn't teach me how to love God, just how to fear Him, didn't teach me how to worship Him--a big part of what we're supposed to be doing on earth--and didn't teach me about the enemy. I learned to always wait for God's punishment after every screw-up, how to pretend to be righteous, to look down on other denominations and be judgmental....

Yes, I grew up in a church that my mom chose for us, but I never sought out another once I knew I was not happy there. Only in being seriously let down by the last church I was in did I eventually look for a church that was filled with the Light, where I have been able to tear down all the walls that I had built in a "proper" church, to see God for Who He is, and to see me for who I am. It's awesome!

But without my church family I know I would struggle through my week so much more. They keep me encouraged, they keep me accountable, they teach me, love me, accept me, everything that a church should do. I hope that if you have not found the right church you will take the step to find one. It's the second best thing I've ever done--next to my realization for my complete need for Jesus!

I know that without them, without the pillars of friends in my life, I would get back to that deep depression, that churning place that makes me completely unusable by God, that place the devil loves to try and get me to, that place where I see no hope and see myself as worthless instead of created by the Master according to His image, fearfully and wonderfully made.

So, I hope you realize that you can fly through Christ. God has given us so many gifts through the salvation of His Son, and there are many miracles that He desires to bring to and work through us, we just need to realize it and hold on to that truth.

Many blessings!

:) Jan

Message to a Friend

I just finished emailing a friend back who has been going through a lot of issues lately and has been feeling lost in her faith and far from God. It occurred to me that maybe what I wrote could help some of you as well. I did, after all, pretty much preach a sermon!!! Some of the stuff in it is personal to me, but I feel that in my vulnerability and transparency maybe you may find some help.

So, here's the text of what I wrote:


"I'm not working, but I'm thinking about putting in some apps. I'm completely out of money and am still not accepting that I have to go on Disability--if it goes through then great, I just don't want to give up on being able to work and be productive! I struggle every day in functioning, but everyone does to some degree. I'm going to have to suck it up and 'just do it'.

And yes, God has changed me that is for sure!!! I am SO thankful that He brought me to where I need to be. Just yesterday I went to lunch with my pastor and his wife to talk about my future. I want to serve Him so much. I'm thinking about what I can do in the ministry. Right now I know I need to get healthy and get closer to Him. I have battled depression my whole life, have battled weight and feeling ugly my whole life, I was molested several times as a kid, I've been raped and beaten, mentally abused, I've been into the occult, battled demons, tried to commit suicide, and worst of all tried to fake being a real Christian--I've been in the darkness, and I know that if I don't stay in the Light I am lost.

Like Peter, if I take my eyes off of Jesus I sink. Is it a battle to stay in that Light? ohmygosh, yesssssss When I don't actively seek Him then I fall into my old patterns, cut myself off from talking to people and stop talking to God. I understand exactly you're talking about. I am praying that you will find whatever it is that you need to find that connection to God that we're all craving. Don't give up. I repented of the occult stuff Christmas of 2006 and I have been going through this process then for what, 32 months? How long does it take to make a baby elephant, something like that, right!?! :) But seriously, I have waged war with the enemy, literally, and what I find most is when I take my eyes off of God then I have no hope because really, as we are in flesh, there is no hope for us. But with God, all things are possible.

So, bottom line, I LOVE YOU and I won't give up on you because if I did then I'd have to give up on myself! And if I give up on myself then it's because I believe God isn't big enough to handle my problems, and if that's the case then obviously He's not big enough to be able to promise me eternity.

The enemy is the one who is the prince of this earth and the father of lies. He's been watching us our whole lives figuring out our weaknesses and using them against us. He sucks. But, only when we realize how he operates can we fight him. After I repented of the witchcraft did I learn about the enemy and how he operates. Churches today don't teach enough about how the devil works. Most people either treat him like he's just a joke almost, or people are terrified of him. We don't need to be afraid because we have more power in Christ than he has. But, we need to know how he works or we won't see what he's up to:

The Bible says, "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." I think that was Paul, who remember said he was ticked because what he wanted to do he wouldn't do, and what he shouldn't do he did--and he actually met Jesus on the road! So, if all these Bible guys walked and talked with God and still screwed up, hey, we're doing pretty good! But I have to actively remind myself of this verse. When I'm thinking something negative I need to study it and say, does this coincide with what God has said, or is this a lie of the enemy? Lies: "I'm worthless, I'm ugly, no one will love me, I will never change, I'm a hopeless case, God could never use me because of what I have done, I'm crazy...." Truth: "We are fearfully and wonderfully made, we are the salt/light of the world, we can do all things through Him who gives us strength, He "has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind", we are set free from the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the Kingdom of Christ...."

You are amazing with a beautiful heart and many talents. God has given us the power to loose that which is loose in Heaven, and to bind that what is bound from entering Heaven: I bind satan and his demons in the name of Jesus, his weapons will not harm you. I loose the angels to surround you and know the presence of God's love and peace which passeth all understanding. If you believe, nothing will be kept from you.

This verse makes my heart sing: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

He has not started anything in us that He will not finish. And think of this: satan doesn't attack those who are useless. Don't you think that God must have some good things in store for us if satan has to work so hard to try and make us fall? Pretty cool, huh?

;) Be BLESSED today, claim what is yours rightfully in Jesus's name. I'm here for you, I love you, I believe in you! He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world!"


Hope this helps someone out there who may be going through something similar. GOD BLESS YOU!!!

:) Jan

Letting Go of Pride, Taking Hold of God's Gifts

So on Sunday I went to church as I have been doing for the past several Sundays, praise God! I'm trying to be faithful, as He is faithful. Plus, gosh, it's amazing. Our church is actually praising God, not just there out of guilt or pretense, but truly to worship the Creator and to learn more about Him!

Afterward we had our monthly church social--what I call "The Feed". It's a time after church where we gather in the Family Center, people bring tons of food and we just have a great meal and fellowship. Yes, every church is into eating....

Anyway, while sitting with my friends, I don't know what prompted it, what we were discussing, but I started to talk about how I am out of money, and out of food. I literally had 7 things left in my refrigerator (aside from condiments), and 3 of those things had gone bad. I started crying, A LOT, and not because of the actual situation, but because I feel like I'm not doing enough, because I am not working, though I'm trying to come up with some ways to make money. I guess we never feel like we're doing enough.

So, anyway, one of my friends went and told the ladies doing the cooking and cleaning up that I could use some food. Now, I had brought 2 containers with me, one for me and one for my friend I have been picking up to go to church every week. There are always tons of leftovers and so I knew that they would give me some of what was left from what the church had bought. However, not only did they fill my two dishes and send them both home with me, but they also gave me 14 more! (And yes, my friend got some, too.) I imagine it was like watching Jesus feed the thousands, the woman who kept pouring out the oil in her jar, or the woman who fed Elijah first and found her grain barrel kept refilling--there just didn't seem to be an end to all the food!

All I could do is cry and cry and cry. At first, yes, it was my pride...I should be the one helping, not being helped. I "look" on the outside like everything is OK, my clothes are nice, I wear jewelry, my car looks nice, I live in a nice house--but I can't feed myself. I want to help other people, I don't like being this person who is not out there working or getting things accomplished. Being that vulnerable, that bare, that helpless was difficult to show to anyone else.

But as they kept bringing out more and more containers and saying, "Do you want this, how about that, here take this with you..." I was just so overwhelmed by their love. All I could say was, "My cup runneth over." I truly know now what that is like, what those words feel like in my heart. Those women blessed me in SO many ways and helped me grow in those minutes that I could have only grown through that experience. Add to it, one of the ladies put some money in my pocket saying that someone gave it to her and just wanted me to have it. It was enough to cover a bill I owed today!

Jehovah-jireh: the LORD our Provider! He is our hope, He is our refuge, He is our strength, we have His favor!

I've been asking God to make me a blessing, and here He blessed me beyond what I could have imagined. I had NO idea that would happen Sunday. I went expecting 1 dish and came back with 16! I went with no money and came back with some! This is definitely a "God-thing". No one else but God could have made that happen. It was extraordinary, overwhelming, humbling, exciting, amazing....

I truly know that He is taking care of me:

I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free, for His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!

A friend of Pablo's sent him and me a link on YouTube with Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston singing "When You Believe". They've been talking about how we are trying to find ways to make money, about how it is overwhelming that we sometimes feel like we're getting nowhere, losing strength. No matter what we've been through, come what may, Pablo and I are still moving forward, together. Thank the Lord for his friendship!

When I listened to that song today, sung by two secular artists who I grew up loving to sing along with, I had to cry and praise God for showing me that if I have faith, if I believe, it will happen, He will prosper me.

HE IS LISTENING, HE IS SENDING MIRACLES.

He knows the plans He has for me, to not harm me, but to prosper me, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He has those plans for you, too!

Not my will Lord, but thine. He must increase, I must decrease.

When I can't go on, He can. When you can't go on, He will carry you, too.

Be blessed!!!

:) Jan

Coming Back To What I Left Behind

I feel like I have when I've needed to call a friend, but it's been such a long time I keep putting it off because I feel so guilty for not having called before now.

I can't believe it's been almost three months since my last post. But then again, I've re-read it and I was in a very out-of-control place; it's been another tough journey coming back from it. But, here I am.

I was so convinced that I might be crazy that I was making myself crazy. Bottom line, that's what I was doing. It took my best friend Pablo to shake me out of that place and back into reality to see it. I don't know what I would do without him. Poor guy, I know he gets so tired of having to 'rescue me' from my old ways. I love him, that's for sure.

I know I am not crazy, but if I get in a self pity place and then start obsessing about everything I will get right back into that "churning place" that I talked about in that last post. It's a perfect explanation of how I end up there, by churning away like a washing machine, turning ideas or thoughts over and over in my head. It's a dangerous thing for me to do, and I don't like where I end up after I do it. It definitely is not a cleansing action, but one that makes things go darker.

I spent a couple of weeks in the light of God's love since that realization and revitalization. What an awesome place to be! I wish I could stay in that warm and joyous place all of the time, but I cannot. It's intoxicating to feel that all-encompassing love of the Father. When I am there I want everyone in the world to feel it. I want to spread the Word about what God can do for everyone.

But then, what goes up, must come down. And I knew I would as I've been through this before. But the first time I went through it I spent time mourning the loss of the feeling of God. I spent time wishing to have it back. At least this time I know that it will come again, and most importantly, I realize that if I try hard to get closer to God, I come closer to that feeling of total exhilaration. And bottom line, a relationship with God is not about emotion, it's about a commitment.

Here goes a rabbit: I think that's what is wrong with a lot of people today who get married and then divorce. People think that relationships are based in emotions, and once that euphoria wanes in a relationship, people forget that what is left is love, a commitment to love--for better or worse. If your heart is in the right place, and you are committed to loving that person even during those times when you may not particularly like them, then love endures all things--love never fails. We've forgotten how to love!

Anyway, a good attitude has made all the difference for me in the weeks since those glorious days basking in God's love. I have had to make an effort to keep from isolating myself, one of my major M.O.'s. As I have gotten older I have made a habit of isolating myself. When I have felt the most depressed I have reached out the least. Now, if there was some craziness in me, it would be that action: what I need most is people in my life, what I have thought I wanted the least was people in my life. Makes NO sense. I have been trying to reach out to friends from my past and spend more time with a lot of different people in different situations.

Have I failed at this? Yup. Even over the last week I have spent more time in bed and away from people. I've been rather exhausted over the past several weeks, and so have been convinced it's all about that. But now that I write this and really think about what I've been doing, I know that I have started to fall back into that isolation pattern that fosters depression.

Well, just sitting down to write this has in a way made me step back out into life and not just burrow in and sleep it away. I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I feel like that's pretty much what I've done up until now, at least for the last decade. I've been slinking away from life, too scared, too depressed, too sick, too self-absorbed...whatever.

So, where does that leave me? I'm committed to try and maybe fail instead of stay safe and cower. I know that God has plans for me, and they don't include me sitting here doing nothing! I need to grow in Him, and that takes work, just as the marriage relationship--that covenant relationship that I would love to share with the man of my dreams. I want this, and I am willing to work at it, willing to keep fighting for it, wanting to make my relationship with Him flourish and to bear fruit in my Christian life.

The missionary David Livingstone said, "I am willing to go anywhere provided it is forward." Well said, and I think a good plan to follow, wherever it may lead!