Overwhelmed by Illnesses

I am feeling quite overwhelmed right now. I'm back to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm not bitter, I'm not writing this to wallow in it, I simply feel like I need to get it off of my chest and do not want to unload it all over any human that is physically near me. Somehow writing it here is like blowing it in the wind, giving it no weight with which to burden myself or anyone else.

I've seen 4 different doctors in the last 5 days and have had myriad tests. I had two appointments just today, and have two braces, one ankle and one wrist--which makes typing a bit difficult with only one hand! My fibromyalgia symptoms are highly magnified by the problems I've been having. I'm still experiencing extreme exhaustion, low blood pressure, chest pains, trouble breathing, other pain.... I could start whining here to be honest, but I won't. I'll just leave it at cataloging the major issues and not spend any more time on it.

Wah.

*Sigh.*

Move on.

So, I need to do a good word study on healing in the Bible. I've looked up a few verses in the past, and so here's what I've found:

"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise." Jeremiah 17:14 KJV

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a KJV

"O LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me." Psalm 30 :2 NKJV

"Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: 'I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you.'" II Kings 20:5b NKJV

I know that God has a long history of healing His people. I know that Jesus died on the cross to heal me and that "by His stripes we are healed" (KJV). I know that God does not want/need a sick army! I know that God is Jehovah-rapha, "The LORD Our Healer." I know these things....

And yet, here I am, with all of these physical and mental symptoms.

I wonder sometimes if I simply lack the faith it takes for complete healing. I know that God allows things to happen to us--I do NOT believe that it is God's will for me to be sick. There's no way He would will such a thing. Not a doubt in my mind. I wonder sometimes if I am not under attack of the enemy. I wonder sometimes if it's all in my head. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get better.

I know that "all things work together for good" as it says in Romans 8:28, and that any illness that I may endure can be used for His glory. I know these things.

But, I feel what I feel, and I am trying to harness those feelings and not let them get out of control. I know that when I over-think something, allow myself to become anxious about something, my thoughts can overtake me and render me full of fear. I know I need to stop those thoughts from developing, by simply letting them go. I don't want to get into the 'churning place' of anxiety anymore, it's no fun there!

I also am realizing that I am trying to 'fix' so many things at once that again I have become overwhelmed and have started to feel hopeless again. I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's taken me 35 years to get here. It's not going to *poof* away overnight--gosh I wish it would!!! But I need to take the proverbial ONE DAY AT A TIME and stop trying to make it all happen at once.

Have I written all of this before, or does it just seem like it?

Well, it is what it is, and I am who I am, and so there you have it. I'm not giving up. I know that this, too, shall pass. I know this. I just need to focus on what I CAN do and quit fighting the reality of what I can't do until someday I can do it!

And I know my hand hurts and so I need to stop for now.

Be blessed!

:) Jan