I was just watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about this year and believing that God will provide for us, and He will do so supernaturally. He is supernatural, you know? I always need a reminder, and I don't know why....
But Joel told several stories about people who received blessings--supernatural ones--that didn't make any sense in the "real" world. He told a simple one of a little girl who kept asking her mom for a kitten. Finally the mom said, the only way you're getting a kitten is if God sends you one. So the little girl knelt down and prayed in the back yard, "Dear God, please send me a kitten." Of course...one fell from the sky. The mom was shocked, the little girl joyous (she never had an issue with unbelief). The mom later found out that a neighbor many houses down was trying to get the kitten out of a tree, hooked his truck to the tree, had it bent over and then the rope broke. They thought the kitten was dead, but low, and behold...! Sounds crazy, right?
Well, I've had a few small simple instances like that, and I needed a reminder of it in order to reaffirm my belief that God is working supernaturally for me. One I can remember was last year: I had to go to the license bureau to get my license plates renewed (well, my $70 sticker to put on my license plate...). My mom was freaking out that we wouldn't have enough time, I can't remember what the issue was with that, but she was lamenting that it would take us forever because there would be a long line. Isn't there always a long line at the license bureau? Anyway, I had had the most amazing spiritual week of my life, and I knew that I was in the favor of God. "Don't worry Mom, I have the favor of God, I'll walk right in and get it." And that's just what I did. There was no one waiting so I literally walked in and got it and walked out within 4 minutes. She was shocked, and I was even more ecstatic as God's amazing work in my life had just revealed itself yet again.
Why do I forget that stuff?
I realize that having Pablo in my life is a God-thing, there's no doubt about that!!! He's a blessing most of the time....
Anyway, I met Pablo online and we became friends. No great mystery to that one, we all have online pals. However, God had a PLAN, still does, not sure all He's got for us, but, let me tell you, I never could have predicted this Latino landing in my back yard!
I found out Pablo wasn't going to go home for Christmas and would be alone for the holiday. Well, that is just not acceptable and I couldn't stand the idea of his being alone for Christmas. So, even though we'd only been talking online and hadn't met in person I asked him to come up here for Christmas. I couldn't believe I actually asked him, and I couldn't believe he actually accepted. But, little did I know that it would change our lives forever.
Now, if you've never seen or met Pablo let me tell you, he's not too bad on the eyes. Har har, understatement.... And, to say I didn't have any designs on him wouldn't be truthful either. He's hot, what am I stupid? Hellooooooooooooo!?! But anyway, he came up here as a friend to spend the holidays with me and with my family.
I've shared a little bit about the occult stuff that I was into--and I was doing it before Pablo got here, but I did not tell him what I was doing. I hardly told anybody what I was doing except those with whom I was doing it. My mom didn't have any clue what I was really up to. What I had told Pablo was that I was a Christian who was going to church, singing in the choir, teaching Sunday School and AWANA--who couldn't see at the time how lost I was. So, he came up here expecting to find a different woman than who I really was.
I used to be ashamed about it, about how deeply into the occult stuff I was and about how I had slowly gotten there and was in complete denial about it. But, I realized I have to get over that if I am ever going to be able to help anybody out of that same situation. Plus, God has forgiven me for everything I've done, so nobody else has a right to hold it against me.
So, anyway, while Pablo was here I played the role I had been playing for everyone else and tried to pretend with him as well. While he was here we prayed several times, and sometimes he would say, "You know, I don't know why I keep getting this, but I feel like God is saying to you, 'Enough'." Plus, he kept bringing up people that practice in the occult and how lost they are. Well, I kept feeling more and more uneasy, felt really weird every time he would want to pray or read the Bible.
One night we were on my couch and he was praying and then started to just pray by himself. I sat there for awhile and kept thinking, "I can't take this, I feel so weird." I finally got up and went to my room and shut the door. After awhile Pablo knocked on my door to make sure I was all right and then let me know he was going to bed. I told him I was okay, and good night, and so he went to bed.
I was actually going in circles, walking around my room and basically freaking out. And when I say freaking out, it's the closest to losing my mind I've ever come. My mind was racing a zillion miles an hour, and yet I couldn't hold a thought in my head. I know I was thinking, "Oh crap, oh crap," or some sort of variation. I would call to mind what he said about the occult and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that that is exactly what I had been doing.
Well, I don't know how long I paced and pulled my hair and cried before I started going around my room collecting things I had used in my occult practices and throwing them into the trash can. I pulled open drawers, pulled books off of shelves, pulled out decks of cards, stones, crystals, I can't even remember what all, but there was plenty. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but I knew I had to get it out. Pablo suddenly opened the door and said, "What's going on?"
I about peed my pants, he scared me so badly. I answered him, "Nothing."
"I know there's something going on in here because demons just woke me up, and there were many. What it going on in here?"
I remember all of that as plain as day, but the next events are a bit of a blur. I have no idea what I said to him, if I showed him anything, I don't know. I do remember finally ending up out in my hallway with him standing in his doorway, and me banging my head against my own door jamb. I know he told me if he could leave, he would, he couldn't believe I had lied to him the whole time--and that's the worst thing you can do to Pablo, it's a deal-breaker, indeed.
I remember he told me that obviously God had him here for a reason, and so he would stay to help me as he felt God had wanted. He also told me that I was going to destroy everything the next day, and renounce to everything and ask for forgiveness. He told me to go to bed and he would tell me how we would proceed in the morning. Somehow I went to sleep, but I don't think Pablo did. I'm pretty sure he prayed most of the night, at least, for guidance and strength.
That next day I did destroy everything, renounce any rights I had given to the devil by doing any of it, and asked for God's forgiveness. Let me tell you that the burning of the Ouija board alone was very scary, the colors and spitting of that fire was something else! God had so much grace for me in delivering me from that evil, and I surely didn't deserve His forgiveness. I had basically been a witch working for the devil and why He chose to spare me I have no idea. The only thing I know for sure that I am eternally grateful to Him for saving me from it. And, if you want to have an idea of how I feel about Pablo for helping me through such an incredibly difficult time, read the lyrics to the song "For Good" that're at the bottom of my blog. I have been changed for good by knowing him, for many reasons, even beyond what I've touched on here.
I would love to say that the minute I rebuked everything and asked for forgiveness everything turned glorious. Boy do I wishhhhhhhhh!!! It has been a battle coming back from the dead state that my mind was in. Truly, I felt like my brain was wrapped in gauze or something. I could barely think or speak half of the time. Pablo would ask me a question and I would just stare at him. I didn't realize that I still had many demons to overcome, a lot of mind-numbing to overcome, and it took me several years to feel like that was no longer an issue. It's a strange feeling, having your mind not accessible to you. Even though I lament about how I don't have much of a brain left due to fibromyalgia's "brain fog" or whatever, I know what it feels like to truly be "brain-dead" and praise God that I'm not there anymore. And I do wonder if I didn't lose some of my mind to that, I can't be certain. I know, though, that my mind isn't the playground of the devil's occult lies anymore.
I wish I could go back in time and change the very first thing I ever did, the very first book I ever read, the very first movie or TV show I watched with occult themes. That's how it starts, as I've said before. Like the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns says:
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow progression into something so dark and deep. Be careful what you do, watch, read, and who you spend your time with. More importantly, if you're parents, be careful who and what your children spend their time with. Let me tell you, it doesn't take long to get in over your head, and if there's no one there to save you, you may be lost.
I am so lucky. Well, it's not lucky, it's blessed with grace undeserved. I know I have the favor of God, He's already given me His favor and I don't deserve more. I'm so thankful for everything the Lord has given me, and I am oh so thankful that He sent a man from Central America all the way to Ohio in order to ensure that I would be with Him in eternity. How cool is that!?!
But you know the really cool thing? Even though I don't deserve one more tiny little thing He stills gives me His favor, and to you--don't forget He loves you just as much as He loves me, and even if you don't deserve it--'cause who does?--you have the grace of the Creator of the world, the favor of Jehovah-jireh, the Lord Our Provider. What else do you need?
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