My Separate Selves

Well, I had an interesting session with my counselor today.

I can't exactly remember how it came about. We were talking about setting boundaries with people (something I've not been so good at, i.e.: Marie), and so she suggested role-playing that I was having a discussion with someone about re-evaluating our relationship. Just talking about it made me really anxious and nervous. I couldn't even formulate thoughts as the fear overtook me; I wanted to escape even talking about doing it. I know one of my coping mechanisms has been avoidance--I really want to stop doing that so that I can deal with things straight on instead of hoping they go away or hoping they take care of themselves. (So, does that mean I want to avoid avoidance...? He he he.)

So anyway, she asked me to describe the fear 'person' that I have, young, old, "How does 'she' look?" I imagine the fear aspect of my self as rather like a teenager. She's afraid she can't do anything, afraid to try things because she might fail, might be ridiculed, afraid if she doesn't try things she will be left behind. I know this fear comes from being judged by my dad. It has become so paralyzing to me! Every day I go through the agonizing throes of being afraid.

My fear is not really only in one area, but in every area, and not all the time, just at different times. I am afraid of what others think, I'm afraid of failure, of making the wrong choices, I'm afraid that if I act or think a certain way my friends or family will leave me--I never admitted that one before. I'm afraid people will leave me because I'm not what they want. Hmm. Have to ruminate about that one for later.

I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm tired of the paralysis of fear.

I'm tired of the immobility of fear.

I'm tired of beating myself up over being afraid.

I'm tired of feeling so isolated by fear.

My counselor has said before that due to all of my abuse as a child, I have a 'little girl' inside of me that never got the chance to grow up in a healthy environment, and as a result she rears her head when she feels like she's not being or not going to be taken care of: my Child Self. I've imagined that, and felt like that is valid. I didn't feel safe or loved and as a result didn't get what I needed. So, in essence, this Child Self is seeking protection and validation. And I, as my nurturing Adult Self, can take care of those needs.

I can see this. When I think about it, sometimes how I act or feel, I can see that my actions are indeed childish. I hate it, truly I do. I feel like such an idiot. I'm acting like a little kid, how pathetic is that? I'm trying to be more cognizant of my feelings so that I can recognize when my old Child Self needs some help feeling at ease. It's really weird to think about it like that. I guess it is what it is, and I will overcome it, it just takes time.

So, besides my Child Self, now I have a Teen Self--which actually is a lot like my Child Self. Basically, my Teen Self is afraid. She's afraid of failing, of not being lovable, not being good enough, messing things up beyond recognition for myself or others, afraid of expressing something to someone that is unacceptable--that they will then leave me because I am then unacceptable. (There seems to be a theme of being afraid of everybody leaving me; again I will have to come back to that sometime.) The Child and Teen are a lot alike--it all comes down to fear, and seems to be tied to being left behind. Maybe they're really the same girl.

I know I will overcome this fear thing. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

So, if I talk about my Adult Self, who is she? She is strong, passionate, smart, courageous, loving, talented, empathetic, compassionate, understanding, accepting, warm, nurturing, open, a good listener, trustworthy, confident, respectful, grounded...she is who I am. I know this, sometimes, but most of the time I let these younger feelings or emotions take over. I need to remember who I really am and stay focused on that, not the past and not past feelings.

My goal is to be my Adult Self at all times, and not get under the influence of my 'younger selves'. Because when I let them overtake me, then I lose all sense of who I really am now. I have grown up. I am strong. I am capable. I CAN do it. I just have to believe it.

:) Jan