Thursday, October 29, 2009

There's So Much Broken It Gets Overwhelming

So in reading Codependent No More I realized that I need to go deeper, go back further, if I'm going to have any hope of behaving differently.

I'm really screwed up.

A long time ago I picked up a book at a used book sale on a whim called Adult Children of Abusive Parents. I've had it for several years and have just overlooked it on the shelf amongst piles of others. Well, about a week ago I realized I needed to really deal with my childhood. No amount of trying to think differently can do me any good at this point because I've not known exactly why I think what I think. So how can one change what they think if they don't know what triggers it?

So anyway, I remembered the book I got so long ago and thought that maybe it could shed some light on some things for me. So far, so good. It relates a lot of stories of people who grew up in abusive families; the stories have reminded me of some of the things that went on when I was a kid. I can see a bit more why I might have some of the thoughts go through my mind that others don't.

The latest chapters have echoed back to my last therapist's talk of my Child Self. The book has exercises to do for a month in order to help heal that child. I have to say, speaking it out feels weird, though it makes complete sense to me. The behaviors that serve me the least as an adult are the most childish ones, that don't make sense to me as I'm doing them, but if seen from the point that as a child I didn't learn how to act or feel appropriately, I can understand where I'm coming from now.

The exercises require two to ten minutes twice a day of closing my eyes to "be aware," "hear," "feel," "imagine," and one of looking and "seeing". The first ones felt really strange, the next set felt rather good, the next ones I've just not been wanting to do. I've been resisting it. I've felt foolish doing them.

I feel ridiculous, to be honest. I am 35, I shouldn't have to be doing any of this stuff. I should be a complete adult that acts like one at all times, responds like one at all times, not someone who breaks out in tears or rage as a little girl would. It's so frustrating. But, at least the book has shown me that I'm not the only one in this world who acts this way, who never understood why they feel this way, who has frustrated the crap out of those around her....

I don't know. I feel like a freaking drama queen. I feel like all I do on here is get to the point of whining, wailing, sighing, crying, complaining. But I think I really am trying to just find the process that takes me to the woman I know that I can be, that's trapped inside the shell of the child that never got to grow up the 'right' way. Am I just whining?

Well I know I'm not even doing the exercises from the book like I'm supposed to be. I keep trying to avoid them. I think part of it is that I don't want to believe I'm screwed up. I don't know how this could even enter my mind when I consider all the piles of relationships, etc., that lay behind me on the path of my life. I know part of it is a fear of failure--afraid that I am wasting my time on yet another book or idea that won't work. Am I afraid it will work? I've been mulling over that one a bit and I can't imagine it, but it gnaws at me, so there must be something to it. Am I afraid that once I find the real me, I won't like her?

Tonight I saw a show on TLC called "The 650 lb. Virgin" about David, who has lost the weight (without surgery!) and now is just starting to date. I was truly inspired by his story and courage. I can't imagine what it was like to weigh that much. I know what 305 felt like and I know that it's a sickening feeling, a lonely feeling.

David said that he started gaining weight around age 6-7 and that relationship with food grew and ended up keeping him secluded from other people. He literally watched the world go by from his window. Listening to his story I wondered, "Did something sexual happen to him that started him on the path, the same as me?"

Yes, it did.

David revealed later to his trainer turned best friend, Chris, that he had been sexually molested twice as a child at age 6, and that that had started him on the journey with the food addiction. It made perfect sense to me, and his revelation only underscored for me how I got to this place, how I ended up getting to this point. Not only the sexual abuse, but the mental abuse, and the lifetime of anxiety and panic attacks pushed me down and deeper into feeling I was totally worthless, and as I've been examining it, has been driving me to kill myself, albeit, slowly, but indeed surely.

Yes, I've outright attempted suicide, but I've been trying to kill myself with food as long as I can remember being able to attempt it, haven't I? I've been diabetic for 9 years, and spent many as a shattered, non-stable diabetic. I'm still not as good with it as I should be. I need to try harder--I want to try harder--and it's through finding the core issues that make me act, think, react in the ways that I do that I need to find. My life depends on it.

A friend of mine has made fun of me in essence for just reading and not applying. I was almost deterred from continuing to read the above books. I took a break thinking, maybe I am just trying one thing after another instead of buckling down and just doing it Nike-style. But I've been trying to just do it myself and I can't, obviously, 'cause I've not been able to do anything but fail, disappoint myself and others, and get discouraged.

So, I might not be in the right lane, but I know I'm on the right road to finding me. I know I have to keep going. I need to find the answer to changing how I am as a result of what was done to or for me. I AM taking responsibility for my life by doing this. Maybe it's not overt ACTION, but I can't act yet, I don't know how to. I'm still a kid, I have to grow up, I have to find someone who can mold me into the adult I should be by now.

I hope--no I KNOW--there are others out there that understand what it's like to be a giant kid and not know why or how to stop being one. I hope that maybe one of you will someday stumble onto my story and see how I've accomplished what you want to accomplish, too. Like Randy Pausch said, it's hard getting over that wall, but it's helpful to others to let them know how you did it. I'll let you know, I know I'll do it somehow.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Monday, October 12, 2009

Overwhelmed by Illnesses

I am feeling quite overwhelmed right now. I'm back to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm not bitter, I'm not writing this to wallow in it, I simply feel like I need to get it off of my chest and do not want to unload it all over any human that is physically near me. Somehow writing it here is like blowing it in the wind, giving it no weight with which to burden myself or anyone else.

I've seen 4 different doctors in the last 5 days and have had myriad tests. I had two appointments just today, and have two braces, one ankle and one wrist--which makes typing a bit difficult with only one hand! My fibromyalgia symptoms are highly magnified by the problems I've been having. I'm still experiencing extreme exhaustion, low blood pressure, chest pains, trouble breathing, other pain.... I could start whining here to be honest, but I won't. I'll just leave it at cataloging the major issues and not spend any more time on it.

Wah.

*Sigh.*

Move on.

So, I need to do a good word study on healing in the Bible. I've looked up a few verses in the past, and so here's what I've found:

"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise." Jeremiah 17:14 KJV

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a KJV

"O LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me." Psalm 30 :2 NKJV

"Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: 'I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you.'" II Kings 20:5b NKJV

I know that God has a long history of healing His people. I know that Jesus died on the cross to heal me and that "by His stripes we are healed" (KJV). I know that God does not want/need a sick army! I know that God is Jehovah-rapha, "The LORD Our Healer." I know these things....

And yet, here I am, with all of these physical and mental symptoms.

I wonder sometimes if I simply lack the faith it takes for complete healing. I know that God allows things to happen to us--I do NOT believe that it is God's will for me to be sick. There's no way He would will such a thing. Not a doubt in my mind. I wonder sometimes if I am not under attack of the enemy. I wonder sometimes if it's all in my head. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get better.

I know that "all things work together for good" as it says in Romans 8:28, and that any illness that I may endure can be used for His glory. I know these things.

But, I feel what I feel, and I am trying to harness those feelings and not let them get out of control. I know that when I over-think something, allow myself to become anxious about something, my thoughts can overtake me and render me full of fear. I know I need to stop those thoughts from developing, by simply letting them go. I don't want to get into the 'churning place' of anxiety anymore, it's no fun there!

I also am realizing that I am trying to 'fix' so many things at once that again I have become overwhelmed and have started to feel hopeless again. I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's taken me 35 years to get here. It's not going to *poof* away overnight--gosh I wish it would!!! But I need to take the proverbial ONE DAY AT A TIME and stop trying to make it all happen at once.

Have I written all of this before, or does it just seem like it?

Well, it is what it is, and I am who I am, and so there you have it. I'm not giving up. I know that this, too, shall pass. I know this. I just need to focus on what I CAN do and quit fighting the reality of what I can't do until someday I can do it!

And I know my hand hurts and so I need to stop for now.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Eureka, I'm Codependent!

Well, I've discovered a book all about me: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I can tell it's going to make some sense out of the nonsense I've been calling life.

I have been beating myself up for not being the person I should be and trying to figure out why I haven't been able to overcome the things I keep doing over and over. (Interestingly enough, the fact that I just said 'should' is a codependent thing....)

Here're the first couple of things that made complete sense about what I have been doing my whole life that have not been working:

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

ding-ding-ding!!! I have and have had certain people in my life whose opinions I hold in such high regard that I obsess about what they think about me, and what they would think about whatever I'm doing at the time, etc.

"[Codependency] lies in...the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive 'helping,' caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process."

Whew, wow, OK, sounds a bit familiar...yes even the peculiar and bizarre. It took me awhile to own the last part about grief, but when I got to thinking about how long I grieved for my dad, and how I would see someone who looked like him or dressed like him, saw a van that looked like his, it was like he died all over again or he was there affecting me with mental abuse, or numerous sorts of things. It doesn't happen very often anymore, but that grief thing, yeah, it's on track.

Ohmygosh, here's more:

"[Codependents] have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk."

I could cry, truly, because for once I am seeing in print exactly how I have felt but could never explain to anyone why I felt that way. I have spent so long feeling so inadequate, so worthless. My entire life of reactions and decisions have been a mystery to me because I never understood why on earth I have done the things I've done, especially when once I'm called out to see what I'm doing, I can't tell you why I've done it or what led me to do it. I swear sometimes Pablo thinks I'm making things up or lying because my actions do not make sense to him. They don't make sense to me and I'm the one doing them, so what does one make of that? I didn't know before, but at least I have hope that if I don't come to understand why I've done something, at least maybe I won't do it anymore.

Oh gosh, here's a BIG one for me:

"Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. Many codependent reactions are reactions to stress and uncertainty of living...."

I'm so tired of not acting but only reacting. But I've been trying to figure out how I can cause myself to act instead of react, when that's how I've always done it. I'm hoping this book will show me the keys to unlocking these things inside me that have been hidden since, well, I don't know if I've ever used them before. Oh good, Chapter 6 we'll be getting into that!

I know that my codependency comes from the relationship with my father. He was so overwhelming in so many aspects. He was the center of the universe for our family. Whatever mood he was in dictated whatever mood we were in. And, of course, not necessarily for long, because he could change moods or something could set him off in the blink of an eye. (Love to deny I'm anything like that....)

We had to walk on eggshells. We had to do things his way because he said so. We never seemed to do anything right. We were stupid, worthless, couldn't think for ourselves.... I realize that somewhere in there I gave up on ever trying to be anything but wrong, and gave up on trying to figure out anything for myself because I was wrong, stopped planning to do anything because we would do whatever he wanted anyway, and just tried to stay out of the way and make sure he was kept in a good mood if possible. It was a lot of work, and I wasn't very successful at it. I longed to make him proud, to do something well, to do something right. I've sought out men's approval my entire life because of it.

I figure that's why I had panic attacks since I can remember. I got to the point that nothing I did was good enough and so I panicked if I had to do anything short of follow directions--which I resented and have resented having to do because I know I have a brain, and when I'm not overanalyzing everything I think the darn thing works pretty well. But I've become so consumed with not doing something wrong, and about what people will think about me and what I have done that I'm afraid to do, say, or think anything that might be 'wrong'.

I spend so much time in overwhelming anxiety over what could be that I don't get anything accomplished. Pablo gets mad at me because my fear of screwing up or looking stupid keeps me from doing anything. I surely don't like it myself and would love to stop doing it. I simply haven't figured out what it takes to flip the switch over yet. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for me to get it, and who will be left in my life by the time I do?

Oh my goodness, there's a list several pages long of characteristics of codependents that I've gone through now, and let me tell you, out of 233 (if I counted correctly) possible characteristics of codependency, I DON'T think I have problem with 6 of them.... Here's what they are:

1.) Equate love with pain.

I must say that any 'love' relationship I have been in has been filled with pain, but I know that a truly loving and honest relationship may have painful times, but not as a result of one or both of the people inflicting pain on the other person intentionally.

2.) Think God has abandoned them.
3.) Lose faith and trust in God.

Neither of those are accurate. I know that without God I am completely lost and if anything I know that it's only through His grace that He sticks with me and I am blessed because of it!

4.) Wonder if they'll ever not be angry.

I don't feel that I am angry a lot, but rather not happy. Pablo has to call me out on how negative I talk and how easily I see what sucks than what's extraordinary. I want to change that for sure.

I was thinking about it, and it's not that I start out the day happy and then as things happen throughout the day, get worse and worse. I start out unhappy and things get worse throughout the day. I've tried to remind myself to get happy, with notes here and there, writing it on my hand the night before. Should you really have to remind yourself to be happy? Does that mean I am just an unhappy person with no prospects of ever being happy, that in my core I am rotten?

No, I don't believe that. I know that I need to stick closer to God and then His light will shine.

5.) Be extremely responsible.

Oh, I wish that were true but I've tried to quit lying even if it's a little white lie or if it's only lying to myself, so I know I can't mark THAT one.

6.) Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.

I'm SO glad that I haven't done that!!! I know with all of the meds I've taken that I could abuse prescription pills if I wanted to, but I've never in the least bit been interested in that. I've never been into illegal drugs either, though I've wondered what Ecstasy or LSD feels like, though maybe everyone has wondered that, and like Bill Clinton, I tried to inhale, but just couldn't....

They should have added a few things to that list besides those chemicals: FOOD? Now that's something I KNOW I'm addicted to. I fell off the wagon last night and today as a result of some very emotional situations. I sometimes wish it was a chemical I am addicted to--you can live without alcohol or drugs, but you cannot live without food. It sucks. It's my comfort, my entertainment, my friend, my enemy! The book does say it later, though: "Many people with eating disorders are codependents."

I don't know what to expect out of reading this book. I'm definitely hopeful, but a bit trepidatious. I guess only time and action will tell--hopefully not time waiting for something to happen and not reaction.... I've spent too much of my life already trying to get over the past doing the same crap.

As the quotation that is commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein states:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I surely don't want to be insane, and I'm tired of things turning out like crap. Let's try something new, even if I fail, at least it's DIFFERENT! I want to be codependent no more, I want to stand on my own (with GOD!) and act like an adult, act 'normal,' not be buggered about what everybody might think about what I'm saying or doing. I just want to be ME. Oh, that sounds good indeed!

Be blessed!

:) Jan