Feeling So Alone

When I think of all the people that I know, those that I count as close friends, I don't think that any of them has gone through being molested at a very young age like I have. I feel so alone.

The past couple of days have been so intense. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my past, I feel like there's so much more underneath the surface that I need to get out.

I almost feel panicked about it. I don't like the feeling of wanting to run away and hide. I felt this way my whole life up until about age 25 when I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I don't feel that anxiety defines me, I just feel that the label defines how I feel sometimes, and how my body responds.

OK, let me rewind a bit. I have realized with the anxiety attack I had a couple of weeks ago that felt like a heart attack, when growing up I didn't have anxiety attacks, I had panic attacks. Anytime I faced a situation that scared me or whatever, I would have a panic attack: racing heart, sweating palms, desire to run away, spinning mind, physical illness, sometimes culminating in throwing up.

That IS what I'm feeling right now. Going through all of these old feelings, emotions, memories, hurts, are getting to me. I want to escape them. I don't know how to deal with them. I feel very anxious to the point of panic.

When I experienced the anxiety attack, I had just been through a very emotionally charged situation, but had calmed down and was starting to deal with what was going on. The feeling of my heart exploding took me by such surprise that I literally thought I was having a heart attack. I knew it wasn't a panic attack, because I had lived through almost a quarter century of those; this was different.

I don't know what to do next.

I need to talk to somebody. I had a counselor, but now my insurance requires a deductible to be paid in order to see anyone--and there's no way I can afford it, it's more than my utilities. I have been looking online for support groups and what have you, but I don't want to get into that cycle of people relating their stories and me getting even more depressed. So, I figured I'd at least write and get some of it out.

One of the things that's bothering me is two exercises that I went through last night. One of them is to mentally visualize things and then alter them. I have THE hardest time imagining things in my head. I have some sort of block that prevents me from getting a mental image of things. I can hear stuff just fine, I can recreate entire songs in my mind with all the instrumental parts and voices, but I can hardly get a simple picture to form in my mind.

Maybe this is normal, but it's really frustrating me. I enjoy the visual, I love rich and deep colors, enjoy the beauty, intricacy or simplicity of things. Why can't I do that in my mind's eye?

The weird thing is that some things from my past I can get a vivid snapshot of. I can 'see' them, but the weird thing is I can't do it in my mind, with my eyes closed. It's almost like I am projecting it out into space with my eyes open, watching it, rather describing it, but not seeing it.

You know, maybe I'm just overreacting here. But it just seems so odd to me, it frustrates me that I can't get pictures to be in my head where I want them to be. I guess that explains why I have such a hard time coming up with things that are original, but given other things can rework them into something else, I don't know?

Anyway, the other exercise was regressing to childhood situations.

Oh wait, this was really weird. When I was trying to do the visual thing I started thinking about the church I grew up in and how one of the Sunday school rooms looked. In my head I started singing some of the songs that we did during Jr. Church when I was about 10.

All the sudden, I got the mental picture of what happened to me when I was about 3, in front of the church. I tried to remember what happened beyond the image that has always stuck with me. I remembered some of the scene, but I can't remember what led up to it, and I can't remember what happened after. I'm still at the point I am thinking about it with a complete lack of emotion, just as scenes in a movie or something.

After I got that mental image, I tried to remember what happened to me at our family campsite with the teenagers. I can only remember a tiny bit of it, and mainly all I can remember is staring out the window and seeing our camper next door, with a couple of snips of the teens. What on earth did they do to me, or make me do to them? I have no idea.

I wonder if hypnosis would help? I wonder if I could even afford it?

You know what really is bothering me is the idea that there are people in this world who know what happened to me, but yet I have no idea. It makes me angry. I can't believe that they did these things to me, robbed me of my innocence, and that I'm still dealing with things after 30-some odd years.

I want to get past all this.

I'm tired of trying to keep this all pushed down. I'm tired of being embarrassed by it all. I'm tired of having holes in my life. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control. I'm tired of having the past affect my future.

I seriously want to escape right now. I think that's a good sign. I think that I'm getting close to breaking through this. The part of me that's tried to protect me from anything bad is trying to protect me again.

I feel so, well, pissed. I'm not sure that's right, maybe more sad than pissed, but yeah maybe. No, I think more like broken and weak. I feel like everybody else is stronger than I am, able to deal with crap like this, and I can't. Like anybody else on the planet would have already dealt with it and moved on. Like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should be.

Well, I've been going through cycles of that thinking in my head and I'm trying to just shut them down and ignore them, because if that would even be true, that I am weaker than anyone else or anything, well, it really doesn't matter does it? Is there anything I can do about it? All I can really do is try to fix what's broken inside me, not worry about anybody else, and then the rest will fall into place.

So, where does that leave me then?

I think I'm on the right track indeed. I think I have a lot of work still ahead of me, but I'm close. I think I need to find help somehow, somewhere. I know I'm blessed and that my childhood could have been so much worse. I can't change the past, I can only change the future. I think I need to cry.

Thanks for listening.

Be blessed!

- Jan

"Born Again"

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I've been so tired, have had so many things happen, and have been so sick and tired of being sick and tired--otherwise known as depressed--that I just have not made it. Last night I had to stay the night at my mom's so she could physically wake me up so that I would actually make it there. I was still 20 minutes late, but quite literally, better late than never!

It was a service that was held just for me. I have no doubt that others took something away, but God brought me to that service for a special reason.

There was a funeral there today. I mourned the loss of a little girl who was molested beginning at age 3, a child that endured mental abuse, a child who lost her innocence and right to just be a child. For the first time, I mourned the loss of me.

I couldn't figure it out at the time, but I was compelled to go forward this morning when the preacher called up two people who had just experienced a death in their family and wanted to have us all pray for them. He asked if there was anyone else who needed the same prayer, and I felt like I needed to go up there. I've had A LOT of relatives in the last couple of weeks that have nearly died, and I myself thought I was having a heart attack a few weeks ago, so I thought with all of the stress, I must just feel like I need to grieve.

But as I stood there and my pastor was praying, I just started to cry, and I realized that I was crying for me, I was racked with sobs and just out-and-out broke down, crying for my lost little girl. Nobody up there knew what I was thinking or going through, but Pastor said, "You've been grieving long enough," and I knew that he was right. He said that Jesus paid for our freedom, and we're free from the grief and pain. I knew he was so right, I need to reach out for the freedom from my stolen childhood that Jesus bought for me.

Pastor's sermon today was about God being our shepherd, Jehovah-raah, and how that if we truly follow Him, instead of just running to Him in the bad times, He is our strength, He is our help, He is the One to deliver us from temptation--BEFORE we do it. These are all areas that I am struggling with. There's no doubt I was supposed to hear this message. Like my friend Jeff, who's studying theology, reminds me, there is NO word for coincidence in the Hebrew language....

The text of the message was Hebrews 4:11-16 (all here KJV). The first thing that spoke to me in verse 11 was, "enter into that rest." I have been beating myself up, struggling to figure out why I can't seem to change the way I want to, why I can't be strong enough to do what I need to do, why I....me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Sounds like a vocal warm-up, not God's way of doing things.

I've liked the following verse for a long time: "Be still and know that I am God...." Psalm 46:10 KJV. I've known I need to be quiet so that He can work through me.

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." John 13:17 KJV

Yeah, I know, but....

I've been in a panic for awhile because of my lifelong habit of being immovable, waiting for God to 'tell' me what He wants me to do, and never moving on my own--unless it's an out-and-out dumb thing to do that I know I shouldn't be doing. I can own that, truly. (See: Divorce)

But I've been struggling now for three years trying to change myself to be good enough for God, or been waiting for Him to turn on some magical hidden switch inside of me. That's not how He's working, let me tell you.

Verse 11's phrase, "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest," now that makes sense to me when I think about what I've been trying to do, struggling to make myself do everything the right way--laboring to make things happen. I cannot make these things happen on my own. It's like the first part of the Serenity Prayer, which I loved way before I ever knew it was a 12-Step program mantra:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change what makes me think. I can't, I don't even know how to begin to change how I think since I don't know what makes me think it. (You think?) But, like verse 11 says, we have to work at resting in God. Only He can do it. "I can do all things THROUGH Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:13 KJV. It doesn't say, 'I can do all things with Him in the vicinity.... '

So, instead of laboring (struggling) to change me, I need to labor (work) at resting IN HIM. I need to seek Him every minute of the day. ("If ye know these things....")

No matter who said it (some say Benjamin Franklin, some say Einstein or some other), the definition of insanity truly is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's where I've been, and it's been driving me insane. No doubt about it. Short trip.

So, verse 12 talks about God's Word and the power It has in our lives. (See: "If ye know these things....") Undoubtedly the Word is a great weapon. When Jesus was tempted in the desert by the devil, what did He use to fight? He responded with Bible verses. Good enough for Jesus, better believe it's good enough for me! Just need to implement it in every millisecond of my day.

You know, I have been thinking a lot lately about a guy I met in a 12-Step program that I saw again awhile ago. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight, to the point I didn't recognize him until I heard him speak. I asked him how he did it, and he said he simply prayed before each and every bite of food he took. Wow. Sounds nutty hardcore fanatical poison-laced kool-aid-drinking-crazy, doesn't it?

But that's EXACTLY what we should be doing--that's what I need to do!!!

So, verse 13 hit close to home for me as well. It basically says that there's nothing out of God's view. We all know He's omniscient, but somehow I am never just down-and-out bare-faced honest with Him. Why? I know He sees everything, knows everything, is everywhere, so what makes me think if I don't acknowledge something He won't notice it?

I know that when I'm just being 100% completely real about something I feel so relaxed, unburdened, not tensed and in turmoil. In just being real with Him and allowing Him to do the work--man that really takes the pressure off!!! Not that I'm saying, "hey God, You do all the work, I'll just lie here and eat bonbons." But instead of trying to figure it out myself and getting into a frenzy, I need to labor to rest, seek Him and say, "OK God, here I am, I need Your wisdom." That sounds much more peaceful and productive.

I swear I've said all this before.

Verse 14 declares Jesus is our High Priest who is the ONLY One by Whom we go to the Father--not an earthly priest who merely hears our confessions; I'll just let that one go, but Jesus said no man comes to the Father but through Him, so we don't need to confess to anyone else--but verse 15 is truly extraordinary, and I never realized its implications.

Verse 15 says that Jesus understands our pain, our sin, our temptations because He EXPERIENCED THOSE SAME TEMPTATIONS and YET WAS SINLESS.

OK, so we know Jesus was without sin. We know He was tempted by the devil in the desert and the garden. But I never thought about Him being tempted by every temptation that I am tempted by. The pastor today said, "I bet you all are thinking He was tempted by 'little' temptations." Of course he pointed out that all sins are the same in God's eyes, but yes, I never ever thought about Jesus being tempted in the way some of us are. Can you imagine Him being tempted in some of the ways we are with sex and pornography, chemical or substance use, gambling, etc? If He bore all of our sins on the Tree, then He had to know all of the sin and temptation that ever was, is and will be.

Can you imagine, our Precious Savior being subjected to some of the perversions of this world, because He loves us? Wow.

OK, so, He wants us to quit trying to bare the labor of the work but to rest in Him, to use His Word to its full power potential and not as a burden or for condemnation, to just be honest with Him because He knows it all and has seen it all anyway, to have Him only as our High Priest--who had been tempted in every way imaginable and can therefore understand what we're going through, and then:

Verse 16: "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

He wants us to come honestly to Him with no pretense, not arrogantly as we might interpret 'boldly' today. And as the verse says, yes, we can obtain mercy for how we've screwed up, but we can obtain His grace so that we don't screw up to begin with; He knows how to keep from screwing up since He's already faced our challenges. That is so amazing.

So after Pastor closed, he had any of us who struggle with this, who struggle with not seeking God in all our times, not just times of trouble, who are so discouraged by our failure because we haven't realized the burden of life when given to Him becomes His responsibility. (Uff, what a relief!) Pastor told us that we are FREE INDEED in the Name of Jesus, we are not under that stress anymore if we accept this truth for our lives and implement it.

After the service, I talked to the couple who actually inspired me to go to this church. (Their light is so amazing.) I was telling them everything that's been going on in my and my family's life, and what I've been reading and discovering, and they thought it would be a good idea for me to go to the cemetery and 'talk to' and 'forgive' some of my relatives. We all know they're not there; it was simply an exercise of getting it off my chest, for me to at least speak out my feelings and then to forgive them from my heart.

My father's family are buried here so they are the ones I addressed. A lot of generational pain has gone on in both sides and so that is mostly what I talked about. I was surprised, however, that I spent so much time at my father's grave. Last year I had written him a letter and vented a lot of the repressed anger I had toward him. Today I really poured out pure hurt and pain. I really grieved there, really let out how badly he hurt me, and how his treatment has affected how I view myself, and all of my relationships. For the first time I spoke honestly about how he made me feel.

At his grave I said that I was hurt and sad that neither he, nor any of the other family members, had ever been brave enough to be honest about the whole family's dynamics and stepped up to try and stop the cycle of abuse, to stop the pain and stop hurting each other. Then I stopped and realized, that if they weren't brave enough, then that would mean--I'm brave. I am brave enough to look honestly at myself, my life, my relationships and try to change what isn't working, try to stop what does happen that shouldn't, and try to stop hurting those that I love. I am brave. I've NEVER thought of myself as brave. Cool. I'm brave!

I do wish they would have been able to step back and see what was really going on and try to fix it. I can't imagine what joy would have been in our family if it had happened. But, that's "how the cookie crumbles" as Pablo likes to say. I can't change the past, but sure can change for the future.

Well, I have always been very dramatic (No comments, please!), and have looked for ways to tie things together or make them more significant. I've been trying to avoid doing anything of the sort lately, but this evening I've been hearing the words to the song "Born Again" by Third Day, and they just speak how my heart rather feels. I don't feel like today was some angels-descending-lights-sparkling-poofing-clouds-sort-of-thing. The words just speak to me, and I feel like more of the weight of my past was chipped off. I'm making progress.

I'm including the lyrics to the song at the end of this post. Maybe they express something in your heart.

Be blessed!

:) Jan


"Born Again" Third Day

Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,

I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life

Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
Is so much more real than anything,

I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,

Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time,
In my life.

There's So Much Broken It Gets Overwhelming

So in reading Codependent No More I realized that I need to go deeper, go back further, if I'm going to have any hope of behaving differently.

I'm really screwed up.

A long time ago I picked up a book at a used book sale on a whim called Adult Children of Abusive Parents. I've had it for several years and have just overlooked it on the shelf amongst piles of others. Well, about a week ago I realized I needed to really deal with my childhood. No amount of trying to think differently can do me any good at this point because I've not known exactly why I think what I think. So how can one change what they think if they don't know what triggers it?

So anyway, I remembered the book I got so long ago and thought that maybe it could shed some light on some things for me. So far, so good. It relates a lot of stories of people who grew up in abusive families; the stories have reminded me of some of the things that went on when I was a kid. I can see a bit more why I might have some of the thoughts go through my mind that others don't.

The latest chapters have echoed back to my last therapist's talk of my Child Self. The book has exercises to do for a month in order to help heal that child. I have to say, speaking it out feels weird, though it makes complete sense to me. The behaviors that serve me the least as an adult are the most childish ones, that don't make sense to me as I'm doing them, but if seen from the point that as a child I didn't learn how to act or feel appropriately, I can understand where I'm coming from now.

The exercises require two to ten minutes twice a day of closing my eyes to "be aware," "hear," "feel," "imagine," and one of looking and "seeing". The first ones felt really strange, the next set felt rather good, the next ones I've just not been wanting to do. I've been resisting it. I've felt foolish doing them.

I feel ridiculous, to be honest. I am 35, I shouldn't have to be doing any of this stuff. I should be a complete adult that acts like one at all times, responds like one at all times, not someone who breaks out in tears or rage as a little girl would. It's so frustrating. But, at least the book has shown me that I'm not the only one in this world who acts this way, who never understood why they feel this way, who has frustrated the crap out of those around her....

I don't know. I feel like a freaking drama queen. I feel like all I do on here is get to the point of whining, wailing, sighing, crying, complaining. But I think I really am trying to just find the process that takes me to the woman I know that I can be, that's trapped inside the shell of the child that never got to grow up the 'right' way. Am I just whining?

Well I know I'm not even doing the exercises from the book like I'm supposed to be. I keep trying to avoid them. I think part of it is that I don't want to believe I'm screwed up. I don't know how this could even enter my mind when I consider all the piles of relationships, etc., that lay behind me on the path of my life. I know part of it is a fear of failure--afraid that I am wasting my time on yet another book or idea that won't work. Am I afraid it will work? I've been mulling over that one a bit and I can't imagine it, but it gnaws at me, so there must be something to it. Am I afraid that once I find the real me, I won't like her?

Tonight I saw a show on TLC called "The 650 lb. Virgin" about David, who has lost the weight (without surgery!) and now is just starting to date. I was truly inspired by his story and courage. I can't imagine what it was like to weigh that much. I know what 305 felt like and I know that it's a sickening feeling, a lonely feeling.

David said that he started gaining weight around age 6-7 and that relationship with food grew and ended up keeping him secluded from other people. He literally watched the world go by from his window. Listening to his story I wondered, "Did something sexual happen to him that started him on the path, the same as me?"

Yes, it did.

David revealed later to his trainer turned best friend, Chris, that he had been sexually molested twice as a child at age 6, and that that had started him on the journey with the food addiction. It made perfect sense to me, and his revelation only underscored for me how I got to this place, how I ended up getting to this point. Not only the sexual abuse, but the mental abuse, and the lifetime of anxiety and panic attacks pushed me down and deeper into feeling I was totally worthless, and as I've been examining it, has been driving me to kill myself, albeit, slowly, but indeed surely.

Yes, I've outright attempted suicide, but I've been trying to kill myself with food as long as I can remember being able to attempt it, haven't I? I've been diabetic for 9 years, and spent many as a shattered, non-stable diabetic. I'm still not as good with it as I should be. I need to try harder--I want to try harder--and it's through finding the core issues that make me act, think, react in the ways that I do that I need to find. My life depends on it.

A friend of mine has made fun of me in essence for just reading and not applying. I was almost deterred from continuing to read the above books. I took a break thinking, maybe I am just trying one thing after another instead of buckling down and just doing it Nike-style. But I've been trying to just do it myself and I can't, obviously, 'cause I've not been able to do anything but fail, disappoint myself and others, and get discouraged.

So, I might not be in the right lane, but I know I'm on the right road to finding me. I know I have to keep going. I need to find the answer to changing how I am as a result of what was done to or for me. I AM taking responsibility for my life by doing this. Maybe it's not overt ACTION, but I can't act yet, I don't know how to. I'm still a kid, I have to grow up, I have to find someone who can mold me into the adult I should be by now.

I hope--no I KNOW--there are others out there that understand what it's like to be a giant kid and not know why or how to stop being one. I hope that maybe one of you will someday stumble onto my story and see how I've accomplished what you want to accomplish, too. Like Randy Pausch said, it's hard getting over that wall, but it's helpful to others to let them know how you did it. I'll let you know, I know I'll do it somehow.

Be blessed!

:) Jan