Looking for Joy

OK, so here I am, heading back into the pit of despair. I've been cutting myself off from people, cutting myself off from God, cutting myself off from myself. I hate it when I do that, and I know what I need to do in order not to go there. My real quandary is how to get myself to do what I need to do before I have to be jerked out of the hole by none other than Pablo.

So what is it that I need to do?

Start and spend my days with God.

Why don't I do it automatically?

Because somehow I think that if I just do a few things and then come back to God then it'll be OK: the life-long procrastinator.

Not working, must change.

The weird thing is I've been doing all sorts of word studies, etc. in the Bible, but they do me no good if I don't put them into practice. I let whatever is happening in my life, or not happening, dictate how I respond to life. Ugh, here we go with emotion again. I know that I find encouragement when I read His Word and let Him know how I'm feeling.

OK, so, let me run by you some things I've been looking up in the Bible, and hopefully that will underscore in my own mind what I need to do. According to God's Word, good things happen if we seek Him. You probably have heard this one:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not grow weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 KJV

OK, so how about these?

"And you who seek God, your hearts shall live." Psalm 69:32b NKJV

"I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently will find Me. Riches and honor are with Me, enduring riches and righteousness." Proverbs 8:17-18 NKJV

Sounds pretty good to me, though realize of course that He's not saying follow Me and roll in gold, and we shouldn't follow Him just so we're living the good life--but Jehovah-jireh is our Provider, how awesome!

"But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing." Psalm 34:10b NKJV

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:3-7a NKJV

I'm going to throw this next part in for free. If you look closely when you read the Bible you will sometimes see "the LORD" and "GOD" and other times they will not be in all caps. Ever wonder what the difference is? Well, I'm taking some Bible classes and the instructor explained that those capitalized versions are when the scriptures say Yahweh or what we hear more often, Jehovah. And the really cool thing about Yahweh is that in Hebrew it is made up of 4 letters, you know the Jews do not spell out the name of God but always type it YHWH.

Anyway, the four letters really encompass all that God is, including Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The letters literally mean hand, breath, and nail: the Hand of God: our Creator and Most Powerful of powers; the Breath of God: Our Holy Spirit; Our Nail-Pierced Saviour, Christ Jesus. And what really blows me away is that most Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah, and yet He was crucified and pierced (Psalm 22:16c "they pierced my hands and my feet."), just as the Hebrew word for God from the Torah states! So many mysteries revealed in every aspect of the Lord and His Word!

God rocks.

OK, so there are a lot more passages I could quote for you on seeking God, but I want to move on to finding rest in Him. So, if you want to look more up, here are the references:

Deuteronomy 4:29-31, Psalm 42:3-5, Psalm 51:6-8, 10, 12, Psalm 119:2-7, Proverbs 2:3-12a, 20-21, Proverbs 8:32-35, Jeremiah 29:12-14a, Matthew 5:6, Hebrews 11:6

So, then, I have been monstrously exhausted for the last several weeks. I started taking Vitamin D as I am very deficient, and have Googled the side effects and they really don't match how I feel, though anything is possible; I always seem to have weird reactions to things. The other thing that I've started is being more diligent in studying the Word and have had an increased desire to really know God. I believe the enemy does not like that too well, and he knows after all these years of watching me that when I get sick, exhausted and/or depressed I fall away from purposeful living. I hate him.

So, anyway, in trying to combat this extreme fatigue I decided to look up passages about rest. I'm sure you've heard this one:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Here are a few more:

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" Exodus 33:14 NKJV

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'" Isaiah 30:15a-b NKJV

"Thus says the LORD: 'Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls.'" Jeremiah 6:16a-b NKJV

I'm seeing a pattern here: seek God, find rest--and a whole lot of other amazing things! I know I need to start my day with Him, He is the best friend that I have, He is the one Who truly knows my sorrows and pain as He bore them on the tree, He is the one who cares for me and loves me like no other.

Father God, I need You, I want to know You more and more. Awaken in me the longing for you as David had, who panted after you as the deer pants for water! Holy Spirit, speak louder in my ear that I would listen to You and Your Words.

So, to close, let me quote you a really cool passage that tells us how God cherishes us:

"The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

How awesome is it to think that God sings over us, that He delights in us? I get so discouraged and upset with myself when I fail; it's so amazing to think that He can find joy in me. I want Him to have more joy in me. I know that in seeking His joy, I will find mine. (And yes, I already did a word study on joy; maybe next time I'll give you those passages.)

Be blessed,

:) Jan

My Head Hurts

Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.

I can't seem to get anything out tonight, nothing very coherent anyway. I have a headache, not so unusual, but it's getting the best of me and stealing my good thoughts. I have other pain, too, of course, my ever-present fibromyalgia pain, as well as my good old buddy osteoarthritis. He's bad especially in my hands today. I think that's also part of the problem with me, I can't type very fast and so my brain and hands both not working is making this nearly impossible.

I'm rambling about absolutely nothing now, so I guess better quit. I'm very tired, too, because I fought very hard to stay awake today--I am trying to reset my schedule to try and get up earlier in the mornings. Life begins so early and I'm usually up 'til the wee hours or don't get a restful sleep at all. Then darn it if somebody doesn't call and wake me up!?! I've been on a new medication, too, that is making me really exhausted and rather zombie-like, but I think it's getting better since I stayed up all day long today. I may be paying for it now, though!

Sleep is what I miss the most, I think. I can't remember when it was that I actually woke up and felt rested. It's literally had to have been years because I can't remember! I battle fits of insomnia, sometimes can't sleep because of the pain, or headache, or stress, so I don't know how well tonight's going to go anyway, or my brain won't be quiet long enough for me to relax, or then there's the Restless Leg Syndrome.

RLS is so weird. I remember watching the commercials and thinking, yeah sure, my legs feel weird but I don't have that. Ha! When I had a sleep study done they said my feet and legs moved all night long! I still thought they were just overreacting, but then I quit taking the medication for it--well, I didn't have insurance at the time and couldn't afford it--I about went nuts with how much my legs crawled. I literally wanted to peel the skin off of my legs it was so bad!

But, anyway...I just don't get much rest. So I'm tired. And I usually end up taking a nap in the middle of the day. And those naps tend to last like 4 hours and I sometimes don't even hear the alarm or the phone to wake up. When I sleep too long then I really can't seem to get to sleep at night. So, we know one of the biggest keys to being healthy is sleep--and I'm just not getting it! It's a big key for fibromyalgia, too....

Sometimes I swear I'm going to absolutely have a psychotic episode I'm so tired and at my wits' end from not sleeping. I feel like if I don't sleep I will just literally explode. And I don't mean exploding temper, I mean really just blow up like a bomb! It's bizarre. It's like I'm a ticking bomb and about to go off. It's actually how I feel inside, my heart and mind both pulsate. I don't like those nights and days very much, and unfortunately they seem to be more frequent these days.

I think this is going to turn into a full-blown migraine because my left eye is drooping and the light is starting to make me feel nauseated. So, I have got to get out of here. I hope this wasn't too crazy or painful, but you know, I think it helped me to get that off my chest, so thanks!

:) Jan