Tired and Sad

Well, I am happy to say that I am finished with all of my Disability paperwork to date. It has been a long and arduous project. It started in January when I was on those heinous Tramadol pills. I ended up messing up that set of paperwork so much I had to just type them out. It's been crazy.

Last night I almost had a melt-down when the computer came up with a message that the file had become corrupted or was lost.

!@#$%^&*

Then I couldn't make Word work at all.

!@#$%^&*

Had I not been talking to my best friend Pablo I am sure I would have completely lost it and had a drama fit. After all of that work and I thought I had lost it all! It took forever to get the computer to shut down, and then forever to reboot, and then a short forever to get the file to come back up. Pablo held my hand virtually until it came back. I love that boy.

So today I went to print the thing off to mail and...ran out of ink.

!@#$%^&*

So, I had to go out to the office supply store and get some so I could finally put that thing in the mail. I am SO glad it's not here anymore, I've had enough of it, all the way around.

:) :) :) :) :)

But, I have to say that dwelling on everything in those reports has taken a toll on me. It took quite a physical toll, especially this last week as I have worked like crazy to get them finished and back to the SSD office. All of the typing and sitting for hours at a time really wreaked havoc throughout my body. This will be a short post, I think, as my hands and back already hurt so much.

But the other thing about filling out those reports--Work History, Function, and Symptoms--they really hit home the reality of how badly my body functions now. And that has put me into rather a sadness and I think a type of mourning for my losses.

As I filled out the work history, I went through all of my jobs for the last 15 years. The very first one on the list was as a Student Manager of my university dining hall. I loved that job, and I was really good at it. I could buzz around that dining hall from one end to the other and not miss a beat. I smelled like a French fry all the time, but I loved it. That was a really hard job and I did it well. And it grieves me to think I cannot perform even a fraction of that job today.

The function report saddened me as well, making me feel like I'm worthless. The wording of the questions was rather harsh, asking, so-what-DO-you-do-all-day kinds of questions. And it really hurt my heart to think of what I cannot do, and what my mother, who is twice my age, has to do for me most of the time. A simple task like laundry is virtually impossible at this time.

And I can't believe that I will be like this forever, I just can't.

I want to be a better me, and I am so frustrated at what I can't do anymore, and I haven't figured out how to cope with being the me that I am at this point. Everything I can think to do I can't seem to make happen. I don't know how else to be. I need to help myself, indeed, but the things I know I can do don't seem to be enough to get anywhere.

I SO don't want to wallow like I was doing last month. Oh, I don't! But my frustration is so great that I just feel like if I don't get it off of my chest I will sink even deeper into depression.

I don't want to stress out Pablo either, and don't want him to feel burdened by me or my struggles. He gets so sad when I tell him what's going on, and I know he wants to know, and cares what's going on, but I know there are so many things in his life that he has to deal with, and I hate the thought that I would be a source of pain in his life. He is always trying to think of ways to help me. I wish I could help him.

And my mom, God bless my mom, I don't know what I'd do without her. She takes care of me and so many things that I can't. It's so not fair that she has me to deal with. And I feel guilty, too, because I'm afraid that I won't get better, that I will never find a mate to spend the rest of my life with...I feel so selfish for wanting a husband when she has no one. I don't want to feel this way. I wish she would at least find somebody to love her like she deserves.

My father in no way treated her like she needed or should have been treated. He only hit her once in front of me, sending her sailing across the camping trailer with a thud. I will NEVER forget that as long as I live. I can still hear the sound her body made hitting against the cupboard, can still see her in my mind's eye sitting on the floor like a rag doll. Oh, God, I beg you, please send her the man of her dreams, she's waited a lifetime for him!!!

Anyway, all of this together combined with the report I just finished on symptoms...I surely feel sad at the loss of my former self. But you know, in the back of my mind I know there's hope. I know that there are things I am preparing for, or more accurately, that God is preparing me for. I have always defined myself by what I've done, or answered to where I worked as to what I was up to. I don't know how to answer right now. Nothing's making much sense, and I'm trying not to panic.

This, too, shall pass, I know that. I'm surrounded by amazing people in my life who remind me daily how lucky I am. I just want to be a blessing. I'm hoping that I can find something to bless others with that I can do without a hitch. I haven't blogged at all like I planned. Life has gotten in the way a few times and tripped me up. I guess I expect perfect, and then when I screw up, I give up. But I don't want to give up this blog, and maybe I just set too high of expectations. I intended to write daily. I find I'm too tired most days to do it. But, like I did tonight, I need to push myself and do it anyway, but then make sure I don't push myself too far. It's difficult to come back from too far. I've already spent a whole hour more than I intended...time seems to fly by so quickly.

Anyway, I'm glad that is over with, and I know that this melancholy will subside. I hope in the meantime I can come up with something that will help me cope better and take some of the pressure off of me and those I love.

:) Jan

I'm Getting Worried

I just read my last post, ha, "normal," what a laugh! I guess my "normal" is a constant state of chaos.

Oh, and before I forget, I lost 4 pounds this week which brings my grand total--including last week's weight gain--to 6.5 pounds lost. Not bad.

But seriously, I'm getting worried. I am wondering if I will ever be healthy or something remotely like it, and I'm wondering if there isn't something seriously wrong with my brain.

I've been sick, A LOT. I'm always sick it seems, something's always wrong, hurting, whatever. Since I went to WVU to see the specialist it's been insanely worse. Today I nearly killed myself and my mom. I was driving home from the doctor's office and all the sudden I realized there was a car stopped in front of me. God sent my angels to steer that car because there's no humanly way I could have made it move that smoothly around the other car without help. I was so scared, I have no idea where my brain was that I didn't notice the car in front of me.

I can't help but wonder if that Tramadol really messed me up. Now granted I have a sinus infection right now and that makes me feel crappy, but gosh, I can't believe how "not there" my brain is. I'm forgetting things left and right, I can't think straight, I get dizzy still. Until this infection is cleared up I can't be certain, but I'm concerned indeed.

I'm also concerned that I'm never going to get off this track I'm on. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I feel like I'm hanging by the end of my rope, and no matter how much I struggle I can't seem to reach for anything. I'm so frustrated!!! I can't seem to make things happen. The day goes by so quickly and I don't get anything accomplished. I practically cheer when I get some silly little thing done. I can't come up with hardly any new ideas or things to try. Have I crossed over some invisible line from a place from which I cannot return?

Now, I went to college at Ohio University. Anyone who is remotely familiar with it knows that it was once regarded as THE party school and held that title for years until it was officially retired from the list. I was far from a party animal, but I did my fair share of drinking. I know I killed some brain cells there. I often marvel, it's a good thing that dead brain cells don't fall out of our heads and pile up because Athens, Ohio would have been buried decades ago!

Besides losing those precious cells I have had some very high blood sugar readings from my diabetes. We're talking 500-800. And unfortunately I carried those scores for several years before finally getting it under control. I know that those kinds of numbers are very dangerous, and I know that when they were really high I wouldn't have much of a brain left.

When you couple all of this with fibromyalgia's infamous "brain fog" I'm wondering if maybe I'm not completely screwed? I've talked to quite a few fibro sufferers and that one thing seems to be a common complaint. I don't know how anyone else would really explain it, but I feel like I just can't quite get "the point" sometimes. Like there's no clarity, no matter how hard I "sits and thinks" I can't seem to come up with something with a lot of substance. I could be the proverbial tail-chasing cat. If I had a tail I know I'd go for it. I can't seem to make 'headway' in my brain--all puns ARE intended.

I'm SO frustrated!!!

It actually used to be worse. I used to drink & eat so-called "diet" things that contained aspartame. I couldn't seem to keep a thought in my head. Something simple like recalling what a hood on a car is called, "You know, that thing that lifts up and down that's on your car and all the parts are under it...?" Egad, I remember that conversation so clearly. Though I can't be certain if that's what it was actually. Now that I think about it, that happened not too long before I was diagnosed with fibro. But then, I think my mind seemed to improve after I stopped the aspartame. Oh well, no matter, I won't go back to the stuff. I'm hoping to become chemical-free one of these days!

My friends have to think I'm about an idiot. Every time we turn around I screw up something, can't think, say something stupid, and it's like watching a train wreck happen. I hate it. I truly, truly hate it. I used to be smart, maybe not a lot of sense--see marriage/divorce--but smart. And now I feel like a fool most of the time. Have I damaged my brain? Is there something I'm not doing that I could do that would make a difference? Is there any hope? Or is this simply a time in my life when my brain is just taking a little vacation from all the crap that has been happening?

I truly feel overwhelmed. It seems like everything in my life is wrong. It feels like everything that I try fails, and things I need to try I never see. I'm wondering what the future holds. Is the old me really gone, never to return? In most instances that would be good as there are many things I would not want to go back and pick up. But I have to say I'm really concerned my brain is drastically different than it used to be.

One of my favorite little cutesy sayings is: "Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." It's starting to not be so cute to me, it's becoming too real.

:) Jan

I Think I'm Back to "Normal"

Well, it's been a long road from Tramadol to back again, and I am SO glad to be back to where I was before this whole mess. Ironic, I say, as before this I wasn't sure how worse it could be. Well, the laugh was on me, indeed, though I was not laughing. And you know, the doctors have never called me back.

So, anyway, with that madness behind me it's onward and upward! I feel like I lost about a week and a half there. But I feel like I am renewed and ready to fight some more.

You may be wondering, "So, did you lose any weight, then?" Nope, I actually gained 1.8 pounds back. But you know what? That's OK. It was a tough week, and considering everything I think it went pretty well. I need to re-center myself, though, and refocus my mind on that task. WW is an easy program to follow--I can add and subtract for the most part. The hard part is retraining my mind and how it reacts to stimuli that send me to food in the first place.

I saw my counselor for the first time in weeks yesterday, and that was goooooooood. I don't think we really "got anywhere" but I feel like I'm back on the road to getting things straightened out and purged from inside. My counselor has fibromyalgia, so she can quite commiserate on what it's like in every aspect. It's nice to be believed instead of found suspect or tolerated. I'm tired of feeling that way from so many people, whether they be from the medical field or from everyday life. I know that this disease is real. Why it happens, well, that could be from the mind, I don't know, but let me tell you, as I sat up most of last night in pain and unable to get to sleep because of it, I KNOW that it is REAL. I pray you never understand what that is like.

But, in that pain I was able to study more about my Savior. God is amazing. I knew that. I know that, but gosh, it's good to be reminded of exactly HOW good He is! I started reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel Sunday night. I could barely stand to put it down. I was captivated! It was so intriguing to me how he went through every plausible argument against the existence of Christ as God, and how in every case he found that history actually supported the claims the Bible makes about Him.

Strobel is a well-known Chicago journalist and atheist. He set out to determine that Jesus is not who the Bible says He is. He interviewed 13 scholars as to the veracity of the claims that Jesus is indeed the Messiah of the Jewish Bible, or Old Testament, and the Savior of the New Testament. In mainstream media and entertainment realms the Bible is treated with contempt or as a nice story. We get the impression that there are no real scholars that are basing the reality of the Bible on true facts. This is far from the case. There are many places in historical records that concur with the Bible testimony of the Apostles.

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!!

I can't tell you what it was like for me to read especially the "CSI-type" account of the torture of Jesus. If anyone can deny Christ's love for us after reading that, so help them God! It changed me forever, and I didn't think anything after the "Passion of the Christ" could do that. I'm planning to get into The Case for the Creator ASAP.

I'm sorry to have to cut this post short today. I have many things I could say about the book, about the Book, and about my God! I'm loving to study about Him. I'm excited to learn more. I want to have as many arrows in my quiver as possible as I head into battle. I hope that people realize how close we are. I hope people realize that the time is coming that we will have to choose whether to pronounce or denounce Christ in our lives. It's no legend, people, the time is near. Please be ready!

:) Jan

The Medical Establishment Sucks

I'm so sick of it, sick of getting no help from the people who are supposed to be giving it!!!

As you may know, I've been complaining of headaches. I have one right now, in fact, and sitting here staring at this white screen will indeed make it worse, but I'm hoping I can get this off of my chest quickly. Well, my friend Jen said to me over the weekend, "You know, you said the other day you hadn't had any headaches or migraines for awhile, but you've been having them a lot lately. Do you think it's because of the Tramadol?"

--- light bulb ---

Derh. Yes. So I reread the info that came with the prescription and it said that if blah, blah, blah, call your doctor immediately.... So, it was after hours, so I emailed my PCP about what was going on. I figured she would tell me to call the specialist I saw at WVU, but the WVU specialist told me to talk to my PCP first. So, what do you think I heard when I picked up the phone from my PCP's office?

"You need to call the doctor at WVU."

Quelle surprise. Not.

So I called WVU...and they never called back. So I called the next day...and they never called back. Never called back. So I called my pharmacist and he told me what to do in order to get off of them safely. And they have still not called.

I've had it.

And I'm not going to let it go this time.

I think this may be one thing I'm supposed to do--fight the system and change it.

And by cracky, I want to. No one should be treated--or not treated in this case--this way!!! What is wrong with the Medical Establishment that they have stopped health CARE? I think there's a lot going on behind the scenes: the love of money--the fear of lawsuits--the pressure from insurance companies.

The Love of Money
Let's pack as many patients into one day as possible, and "treat" them as quickly as possible. I have so many things going on with me, and so many prescriptions that I have to write things down in order to remember them. My PCP actually told me once I could pick two, that's all she had time for. My mom's dog gets more time at the vet.

The Fear of Lawsuits
They're everywhere on TV: Call the law offices of So-&-So, they'll sue Such-&-Such and get you the settlement you deserve. Doctors are playing the C.Y.A. game--cover your assets. They don't want to get sued, so they do as little as possible to get by with.

The Pressure from Insurance Companies
Insurance companies call the shots. I used to joke with my PCP--when there was time--that I should just go see the insurance company and then they'd let her know what was wrong with me. I'm thinking I might get somewhere quicker if I did just that! But I think the enormous pressure they put on doctors and hospitals is a big reason why CARE has been left out of the health industry.

Well, as I feared, my headache has increased and I'm shaking again so I will need to quit so I can go do what my pharmacist recommended so that my head won't explode from a @#&$@&$ headache no thanks to some lousy doctors. I'm not through, this is wrong. This is so wrong and I can't imagine what it's like to be someone who is gravely ill, what must sub-standard care feel like to someone that desperate? Oh, I don't want to find out, but I know I need to add all of them to my prayer list!

And by the way, I know there must be some awesome doctors out there, but when I consider the nearly dozen I have to deal with for my care...they are SO not around here! And boy, do I wish they were!!!!!

:) Jan

If You Need to Cry, Then Cry

I needed to cry, and now I'm done. I don't know if I'm really that done, I just think I'm tired of doing it. And my eyes are puffy.

Today--well yesterday by now--has been a real roller coaster of emotions. Scared--Worried--Joyful--Excited--I've been through a whole bunch of them, and mostly with my friend Jen.

I talked about Jen in another post, but that was only a tiny glimmer into one of the longest friendships I've had. We've known each other since kindergarten, went to the same grade school & high school, stayed friends through 20s and now 30s, and we're really more like sisters, or even better, really. I don't know that there's anything about me she doesn't know, and she tells me the same. Have you ever seen those little signs: You Will Always Be My Friend, You Know Too Much. Well, that's us. Actually, I have a couple of friends who need that sign....

But truly, we've been into some wild things. We both got divorced about the same time. We hadn't talked for quite some time, but one night I called her out of the blue--something quite uncharacteristic for me as I am bad about calling people--she was busy so I said, "I just wanted you to know I got divorced." And she said, "Me, too!" I think we went out partying that very weekend and many thereafter. I plead the 5th about any details....

So anyway, since New Year's we've both been going through a lot of soul-searching, realizations, and just down-and-out God-things; you know, things that happen that only God can make happen. We've had all sorts of conversations about this world and our place in it, about being better and helping others become better. We've had some very serious religion and Bible conversations, it's been truly amazing. (I'm working on her about the astrology thing.)

But the last couple of days Jen has been dealing with a relationship situation. And it got scary tonight. I don't want to go into specifics, because frankly it's no one's business and not my place to put it out there. But tonight it was scary. We cried together and prayed. The situation got resolved and she was safe. But in all of it we grew even closer together, and more importantly closer to God.

God has plans, and we don't see it. His Word says that all things work together for good for those who love God. He never promised us a rose garden. I think that's one of the problems with religion today, and believe me, I have a lot of problems with religion that gets too religious. It's not about man's rules and rituals, it's about God and His love for us. But anyway, look at a lot of the men in the Bible who followed God: John the Baptist was beheaded, Peter was crucified upside down, John was boiled in oil.... Sound like roses? God's promise is not for a perfect life on earth. His promise is that if we believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ we will be saved, and spend a perfect eternity in bliss with Him. Life with God is no guarantee of life without suffering, it's a guarantee of a heavenly afterlife.

I know I suffer. Jeesh, do I sometimes, more than I think anyone should have to. The pain gets overwhelming. But, I know there's a purpose. Perhaps on this earth I will never know, but someday I many find out that somebody else saw how I dealt with it and so found comfort. Maybe it's here simply to make me stronger. I don't know. Like I said, I don't understand His plans. But does my pain make me love God any less? No. It's not His fault there's pain in the world. Man brought that on himself. Why me? Well, why not me? Like Mother Teresa said, I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much!

But Jen and I really talked about this tonight, and about what it truly means to have God in your life. And when God-things are happening to you, how can you deny that He is working? He definitely brings people and situations into our lives to remind us of who He is and what He's capable of, and that has to be just the tip of the iceberg of what He can do. It's been so cool to watch Him work in our lives and those around us. He's watching over us. And in learning all of these things about Him, we desire more and more to share that love with other people.

Well, I need to quit for now, my headache is back. I believe I'm getting these headaches more frequently and with more severity due to the Tramadol. I used to get migraines pretty bad and often, but hadn't had any for quite some time. But since I started on this fibromyalgia medication I've had quite a few of them, and they're getting more intense. I don't think they're helping with the pain either. I've been shaking, too, but I'm not sure if that's from the med or from low blood sugar. I'm hoping the doctor's office calls me tomorrow and tells me what to do. As hard as it was to get used to the side-effects, I'm sure the withdrawal will be very pleasant as well. Ah, pharmaceuticals, how are they poisoning us? I'm going to take those on, too. But later....

:) Jan