Overwhelmed by Illnesses

I am feeling quite overwhelmed right now. I'm back to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm not bitter, I'm not writing this to wallow in it, I simply feel like I need to get it off of my chest and do not want to unload it all over any human that is physically near me. Somehow writing it here is like blowing it in the wind, giving it no weight with which to burden myself or anyone else.

I've seen 4 different doctors in the last 5 days and have had myriad tests. I had two appointments just today, and have two braces, one ankle and one wrist--which makes typing a bit difficult with only one hand! My fibromyalgia symptoms are highly magnified by the problems I've been having. I'm still experiencing extreme exhaustion, low blood pressure, chest pains, trouble breathing, other pain.... I could start whining here to be honest, but I won't. I'll just leave it at cataloging the major issues and not spend any more time on it.

Wah.

*Sigh.*

Move on.

So, I need to do a good word study on healing in the Bible. I've looked up a few verses in the past, and so here's what I've found:

"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise." Jeremiah 17:14 KJV

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a KJV

"O LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me." Psalm 30 :2 NKJV

"Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: 'I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you.'" II Kings 20:5b NKJV

I know that God has a long history of healing His people. I know that Jesus died on the cross to heal me and that "by His stripes we are healed" (KJV). I know that God does not want/need a sick army! I know that God is Jehovah-rapha, "The LORD Our Healer." I know these things....

And yet, here I am, with all of these physical and mental symptoms.

I wonder sometimes if I simply lack the faith it takes for complete healing. I know that God allows things to happen to us--I do NOT believe that it is God's will for me to be sick. There's no way He would will such a thing. Not a doubt in my mind. I wonder sometimes if I am not under attack of the enemy. I wonder sometimes if it's all in my head. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get better.

I know that "all things work together for good" as it says in Romans 8:28, and that any illness that I may endure can be used for His glory. I know these things.

But, I feel what I feel, and I am trying to harness those feelings and not let them get out of control. I know that when I over-think something, allow myself to become anxious about something, my thoughts can overtake me and render me full of fear. I know I need to stop those thoughts from developing, by simply letting them go. I don't want to get into the 'churning place' of anxiety anymore, it's no fun there!

I also am realizing that I am trying to 'fix' so many things at once that again I have become overwhelmed and have started to feel hopeless again. I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's taken me 35 years to get here. It's not going to *poof* away overnight--gosh I wish it would!!! But I need to take the proverbial ONE DAY AT A TIME and stop trying to make it all happen at once.

Have I written all of this before, or does it just seem like it?

Well, it is what it is, and I am who I am, and so there you have it. I'm not giving up. I know that this, too, shall pass. I know this. I just need to focus on what I CAN do and quit fighting the reality of what I can't do until someday I can do it!

And I know my hand hurts and so I need to stop for now.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

My Heart is Breaking

My day has been filled with pain.

Physical-

Emotional-

Spiritual-

I want to disappear, I want it all to be over with. Jesus, please come soon.

But I'm not ready!

I know I'm not doing what I should be doing. I need to be working for God, I need to be reaching people for Him! I am failing Him, I am useless.

But I want it to be over with. I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of all of the things I am dealing with. I am tired of what the stress does to my body and to my mind.

I think I am crazy. And I mean seriously crazy. I think I should be in the psych ward. I am so depressed, and then my mind races, and then I cry and cry and cry, and then I go fifty miles an hour. I can't take it. I seriously think I may be bipolar--duh, do you think? At least I'm not schizophrenic, I'm sure about that one.

I hate myself right now. Every negative thing I have ever heard keeps running through my mind and I can't disagree. I feel weak, cowardly, useless, empty, exhausted, afraid, insane, I hate myself with a loathing that is undeniable.

Am I too selfish, self-absorbed, too pathetic to deal with the fibro and life at the same time? The pain is so great and has about eaten me alive the last few days, but the depression, despair, anxiety, panic attacks have controlled me.

I am lost and spinning out of control.

I need help. I need help but then I am afraid that I really am crazy, but then if I don't get help and I am crazy I will stay here. I don't want to be this way.

I'm scaring myself now. My mind is rushing around, and I'm in pain, but I don't want to stop talking because I feel like I have to get it out, have to purge my soul from all of the poison that is inside me. Am I just being too weak and pathetic?

It's not like I'm dying of cancer, or just lost my baby, or have lost everything. I know that. I'm just in pain that no one can explain, I'm depressed, exhausted, sick, without a job, without help and facing debt that's overwhelming. I'm a burden on everyone, and I don't have the strength to do much about it. I'm useless.

My mind won't let it go. I am stuck in the churning place, where my mind and heart swish as if going down a drain.

I'm afraid.

I need to reach out to God, He has the answers, but why is that so hard? I'm failing, indeed, failing, pulling away, falling down into a hole and I don't feel like there's a way out.

I'm supposed to stop and get in the 'now'. But now is so scary, I can't seem to slow down and then when I do all I can do is sob.

I'm tired of this craziness. If I was crazier I'd end it now.

But the fear of waking up in hell keeps me from it. I don't know if that's what would happen, but to spend eternity without my Savior is more unbearable. I can't find that in the Bible, but then I'm afraid to find out for sure because then I would have no reason to keep me from it.

I want out.

I need to trust Him, I need to reach down into my soul that faith that He has given me. He does not make mistakes. I'm here for a reason. Right now I feel like the world would be better off without me in it, but I won't do it.

I can see it in my mind. I can feel the sensation of doing it. It torments me but I won't give into it. My God is greater than any problem I have.

My God is greater than my pain.

I will praise Him in this storm. He sustains me. I am falling into His arms right now. I have to go, I will go rest.

Jesus take the wheel...save me from this road I'm on. I'm letting go.

I Think I'm Back to "Normal"

Well, it's been a long road from Tramadol to back again, and I am SO glad to be back to where I was before this whole mess. Ironic, I say, as before this I wasn't sure how worse it could be. Well, the laugh was on me, indeed, though I was not laughing. And you know, the doctors have never called me back.

So, anyway, with that madness behind me it's onward and upward! I feel like I lost about a week and a half there. But I feel like I am renewed and ready to fight some more.

You may be wondering, "So, did you lose any weight, then?" Nope, I actually gained 1.8 pounds back. But you know what? That's OK. It was a tough week, and considering everything I think it went pretty well. I need to re-center myself, though, and refocus my mind on that task. WW is an easy program to follow--I can add and subtract for the most part. The hard part is retraining my mind and how it reacts to stimuli that send me to food in the first place.

I saw my counselor for the first time in weeks yesterday, and that was goooooooood. I don't think we really "got anywhere" but I feel like I'm back on the road to getting things straightened out and purged from inside. My counselor has fibromyalgia, so she can quite commiserate on what it's like in every aspect. It's nice to be believed instead of found suspect or tolerated. I'm tired of feeling that way from so many people, whether they be from the medical field or from everyday life. I know that this disease is real. Why it happens, well, that could be from the mind, I don't know, but let me tell you, as I sat up most of last night in pain and unable to get to sleep because of it, I KNOW that it is REAL. I pray you never understand what that is like.

But, in that pain I was able to study more about my Savior. God is amazing. I knew that. I know that, but gosh, it's good to be reminded of exactly HOW good He is! I started reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel Sunday night. I could barely stand to put it down. I was captivated! It was so intriguing to me how he went through every plausible argument against the existence of Christ as God, and how in every case he found that history actually supported the claims the Bible makes about Him.

Strobel is a well-known Chicago journalist and atheist. He set out to determine that Jesus is not who the Bible says He is. He interviewed 13 scholars as to the veracity of the claims that Jesus is indeed the Messiah of the Jewish Bible, or Old Testament, and the Savior of the New Testament. In mainstream media and entertainment realms the Bible is treated with contempt or as a nice story. We get the impression that there are no real scholars that are basing the reality of the Bible on true facts. This is far from the case. There are many places in historical records that concur with the Bible testimony of the Apostles.

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!!

I can't tell you what it was like for me to read especially the "CSI-type" account of the torture of Jesus. If anyone can deny Christ's love for us after reading that, so help them God! It changed me forever, and I didn't think anything after the "Passion of the Christ" could do that. I'm planning to get into The Case for the Creator ASAP.

I'm sorry to have to cut this post short today. I have many things I could say about the book, about the Book, and about my God! I'm loving to study about Him. I'm excited to learn more. I want to have as many arrows in my quiver as possible as I head into battle. I hope that people realize how close we are. I hope people realize that the time is coming that we will have to choose whether to pronounce or denounce Christ in our lives. It's no legend, people, the time is near. Please be ready!

:) Jan

My Head Hurts

Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.

I can't seem to get anything out tonight, nothing very coherent anyway. I have a headache, not so unusual, but it's getting the best of me and stealing my good thoughts. I have other pain, too, of course, my ever-present fibromyalgia pain, as well as my good old buddy osteoarthritis. He's bad especially in my hands today. I think that's also part of the problem with me, I can't type very fast and so my brain and hands both not working is making this nearly impossible.

I'm rambling about absolutely nothing now, so I guess better quit. I'm very tired, too, because I fought very hard to stay awake today--I am trying to reset my schedule to try and get up earlier in the mornings. Life begins so early and I'm usually up 'til the wee hours or don't get a restful sleep at all. Then darn it if somebody doesn't call and wake me up!?! I've been on a new medication, too, that is making me really exhausted and rather zombie-like, but I think it's getting better since I stayed up all day long today. I may be paying for it now, though!

Sleep is what I miss the most, I think. I can't remember when it was that I actually woke up and felt rested. It's literally had to have been years because I can't remember! I battle fits of insomnia, sometimes can't sleep because of the pain, or headache, or stress, so I don't know how well tonight's going to go anyway, or my brain won't be quiet long enough for me to relax, or then there's the Restless Leg Syndrome.

RLS is so weird. I remember watching the commercials and thinking, yeah sure, my legs feel weird but I don't have that. Ha! When I had a sleep study done they said my feet and legs moved all night long! I still thought they were just overreacting, but then I quit taking the medication for it--well, I didn't have insurance at the time and couldn't afford it--I about went nuts with how much my legs crawled. I literally wanted to peel the skin off of my legs it was so bad!

But, anyway...I just don't get much rest. So I'm tired. And I usually end up taking a nap in the middle of the day. And those naps tend to last like 4 hours and I sometimes don't even hear the alarm or the phone to wake up. When I sleep too long then I really can't seem to get to sleep at night. So, we know one of the biggest keys to being healthy is sleep--and I'm just not getting it! It's a big key for fibromyalgia, too....

Sometimes I swear I'm going to absolutely have a psychotic episode I'm so tired and at my wits' end from not sleeping. I feel like if I don't sleep I will just literally explode. And I don't mean exploding temper, I mean really just blow up like a bomb! It's bizarre. It's like I'm a ticking bomb and about to go off. It's actually how I feel inside, my heart and mind both pulsate. I don't like those nights and days very much, and unfortunately they seem to be more frequent these days.

I think this is going to turn into a full-blown migraine because my left eye is drooping and the light is starting to make me feel nauseated. So, I have got to get out of here. I hope this wasn't too crazy or painful, but you know, I think it helped me to get that off my chest, so thanks!

:) Jan