There's So Much Broken It Gets Overwhelming

So in reading Codependent No More I realized that I need to go deeper, go back further, if I'm going to have any hope of behaving differently.

I'm really screwed up.

A long time ago I picked up a book at a used book sale on a whim called Adult Children of Abusive Parents. I've had it for several years and have just overlooked it on the shelf amongst piles of others. Well, about a week ago I realized I needed to really deal with my childhood. No amount of trying to think differently can do me any good at this point because I've not known exactly why I think what I think. So how can one change what they think if they don't know what triggers it?

So anyway, I remembered the book I got so long ago and thought that maybe it could shed some light on some things for me. So far, so good. It relates a lot of stories of people who grew up in abusive families; the stories have reminded me of some of the things that went on when I was a kid. I can see a bit more why I might have some of the thoughts go through my mind that others don't.

The latest chapters have echoed back to my last therapist's talk of my Child Self. The book has exercises to do for a month in order to help heal that child. I have to say, speaking it out feels weird, though it makes complete sense to me. The behaviors that serve me the least as an adult are the most childish ones, that don't make sense to me as I'm doing them, but if seen from the point that as a child I didn't learn how to act or feel appropriately, I can understand where I'm coming from now.

The exercises require two to ten minutes twice a day of closing my eyes to "be aware," "hear," "feel," "imagine," and one of looking and "seeing". The first ones felt really strange, the next set felt rather good, the next ones I've just not been wanting to do. I've been resisting it. I've felt foolish doing them.

I feel ridiculous, to be honest. I am 35, I shouldn't have to be doing any of this stuff. I should be a complete adult that acts like one at all times, responds like one at all times, not someone who breaks out in tears or rage as a little girl would. It's so frustrating. But, at least the book has shown me that I'm not the only one in this world who acts this way, who never understood why they feel this way, who has frustrated the crap out of those around her....

I don't know. I feel like a freaking drama queen. I feel like all I do on here is get to the point of whining, wailing, sighing, crying, complaining. But I think I really am trying to just find the process that takes me to the woman I know that I can be, that's trapped inside the shell of the child that never got to grow up the 'right' way. Am I just whining?

Well I know I'm not even doing the exercises from the book like I'm supposed to be. I keep trying to avoid them. I think part of it is that I don't want to believe I'm screwed up. I don't know how this could even enter my mind when I consider all the piles of relationships, etc., that lay behind me on the path of my life. I know part of it is a fear of failure--afraid that I am wasting my time on yet another book or idea that won't work. Am I afraid it will work? I've been mulling over that one a bit and I can't imagine it, but it gnaws at me, so there must be something to it. Am I afraid that once I find the real me, I won't like her?

Tonight I saw a show on TLC called "The 650 lb. Virgin" about David, who has lost the weight (without surgery!) and now is just starting to date. I was truly inspired by his story and courage. I can't imagine what it was like to weigh that much. I know what 305 felt like and I know that it's a sickening feeling, a lonely feeling.

David said that he started gaining weight around age 6-7 and that relationship with food grew and ended up keeping him secluded from other people. He literally watched the world go by from his window. Listening to his story I wondered, "Did something sexual happen to him that started him on the path, the same as me?"

Yes, it did.

David revealed later to his trainer turned best friend, Chris, that he had been sexually molested twice as a child at age 6, and that that had started him on the journey with the food addiction. It made perfect sense to me, and his revelation only underscored for me how I got to this place, how I ended up getting to this point. Not only the sexual abuse, but the mental abuse, and the lifetime of anxiety and panic attacks pushed me down and deeper into feeling I was totally worthless, and as I've been examining it, has been driving me to kill myself, albeit, slowly, but indeed surely.

Yes, I've outright attempted suicide, but I've been trying to kill myself with food as long as I can remember being able to attempt it, haven't I? I've been diabetic for 9 years, and spent many as a shattered, non-stable diabetic. I'm still not as good with it as I should be. I need to try harder--I want to try harder--and it's through finding the core issues that make me act, think, react in the ways that I do that I need to find. My life depends on it.

A friend of mine has made fun of me in essence for just reading and not applying. I was almost deterred from continuing to read the above books. I took a break thinking, maybe I am just trying one thing after another instead of buckling down and just doing it Nike-style. But I've been trying to just do it myself and I can't, obviously, 'cause I've not been able to do anything but fail, disappoint myself and others, and get discouraged.

So, I might not be in the right lane, but I know I'm on the right road to finding me. I know I have to keep going. I need to find the answer to changing how I am as a result of what was done to or for me. I AM taking responsibility for my life by doing this. Maybe it's not overt ACTION, but I can't act yet, I don't know how to. I'm still a kid, I have to grow up, I have to find someone who can mold me into the adult I should be by now.

I hope--no I KNOW--there are others out there that understand what it's like to be a giant kid and not know why or how to stop being one. I hope that maybe one of you will someday stumble onto my story and see how I've accomplished what you want to accomplish, too. Like Randy Pausch said, it's hard getting over that wall, but it's helpful to others to let them know how you did it. I'll let you know, I know I'll do it somehow.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

I'm Getting Worried

I just read my last post, ha, "normal," what a laugh! I guess my "normal" is a constant state of chaos.

Oh, and before I forget, I lost 4 pounds this week which brings my grand total--including last week's weight gain--to 6.5 pounds lost. Not bad.

But seriously, I'm getting worried. I am wondering if I will ever be healthy or something remotely like it, and I'm wondering if there isn't something seriously wrong with my brain.

I've been sick, A LOT. I'm always sick it seems, something's always wrong, hurting, whatever. Since I went to WVU to see the specialist it's been insanely worse. Today I nearly killed myself and my mom. I was driving home from the doctor's office and all the sudden I realized there was a car stopped in front of me. God sent my angels to steer that car because there's no humanly way I could have made it move that smoothly around the other car without help. I was so scared, I have no idea where my brain was that I didn't notice the car in front of me.

I can't help but wonder if that Tramadol really messed me up. Now granted I have a sinus infection right now and that makes me feel crappy, but gosh, I can't believe how "not there" my brain is. I'm forgetting things left and right, I can't think straight, I get dizzy still. Until this infection is cleared up I can't be certain, but I'm concerned indeed.

I'm also concerned that I'm never going to get off this track I'm on. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I feel like I'm hanging by the end of my rope, and no matter how much I struggle I can't seem to reach for anything. I'm so frustrated!!! I can't seem to make things happen. The day goes by so quickly and I don't get anything accomplished. I practically cheer when I get some silly little thing done. I can't come up with hardly any new ideas or things to try. Have I crossed over some invisible line from a place from which I cannot return?

Now, I went to college at Ohio University. Anyone who is remotely familiar with it knows that it was once regarded as THE party school and held that title for years until it was officially retired from the list. I was far from a party animal, but I did my fair share of drinking. I know I killed some brain cells there. I often marvel, it's a good thing that dead brain cells don't fall out of our heads and pile up because Athens, Ohio would have been buried decades ago!

Besides losing those precious cells I have had some very high blood sugar readings from my diabetes. We're talking 500-800. And unfortunately I carried those scores for several years before finally getting it under control. I know that those kinds of numbers are very dangerous, and I know that when they were really high I wouldn't have much of a brain left.

When you couple all of this with fibromyalgia's infamous "brain fog" I'm wondering if maybe I'm not completely screwed? I've talked to quite a few fibro sufferers and that one thing seems to be a common complaint. I don't know how anyone else would really explain it, but I feel like I just can't quite get "the point" sometimes. Like there's no clarity, no matter how hard I "sits and thinks" I can't seem to come up with something with a lot of substance. I could be the proverbial tail-chasing cat. If I had a tail I know I'd go for it. I can't seem to make 'headway' in my brain--all puns ARE intended.

I'm SO frustrated!!!

It actually used to be worse. I used to drink & eat so-called "diet" things that contained aspartame. I couldn't seem to keep a thought in my head. Something simple like recalling what a hood on a car is called, "You know, that thing that lifts up and down that's on your car and all the parts are under it...?" Egad, I remember that conversation so clearly. Though I can't be certain if that's what it was actually. Now that I think about it, that happened not too long before I was diagnosed with fibro. But then, I think my mind seemed to improve after I stopped the aspartame. Oh well, no matter, I won't go back to the stuff. I'm hoping to become chemical-free one of these days!

My friends have to think I'm about an idiot. Every time we turn around I screw up something, can't think, say something stupid, and it's like watching a train wreck happen. I hate it. I truly, truly hate it. I used to be smart, maybe not a lot of sense--see marriage/divorce--but smart. And now I feel like a fool most of the time. Have I damaged my brain? Is there something I'm not doing that I could do that would make a difference? Is there any hope? Or is this simply a time in my life when my brain is just taking a little vacation from all the crap that has been happening?

I truly feel overwhelmed. It seems like everything in my life is wrong. It feels like everything that I try fails, and things I need to try I never see. I'm wondering what the future holds. Is the old me really gone, never to return? In most instances that would be good as there are many things I would not want to go back and pick up. But I have to say I'm really concerned my brain is drastically different than it used to be.

One of my favorite little cutesy sayings is: "Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." It's starting to not be so cute to me, it's becoming too real.

:) Jan

The Return of Weight Watchers

I am fat and I am tired of it. And, I have decided that I will lose weight now.

I am publishing on the WWW for the entire planet to have access, my weight as of yesterday: 274.1 pounds. That number is surreal to me, but it is not the most I have ever weighed. My largest number was 305.6 pounds in January of 2007.

Disgusted? I am. Why did I get to this point? Many reasons and excuses I could give you. Being an insulin-dependent Type II diabetic makes it very difficult. Being on over 22 pills of medication a day makes it difficult. Being a food addict makes it difficult--and let me tell you, I have battled those issues since I was at least 3 and they are deeply ingrained in my actions. Having severe pain from fibromyalgia makes it difficult to want to exercise.

But bottom line, there is no reason I have gotten to this morbidly obese point greater than the fact that I have not used self-control to overcome it. Do I have reasons that losing weight is harder for me than most people? Yes. Just because it's harder, does that mean I should just give up then? Nope.

I can do this. But I need to focus and work at it. There is no room for half-way this time. I have lost weight before, I can do it again. But this time it's for the right reasons.

In the past I have lost weight in order to get a man. My greatest yearning is to be in love with the most wonderful man in the world, the one that I know God has prepared for me. I believe he is out there. But I have always made that my reason to lose weight. I have always felt that a man wouldn't or couldn't love me because I was too fat. I felt like that 100 pounds ago.

Anyway, in 1999 I got down to around 210, which I hadn't weighed in over 5 years. The reason was that I was 25 and decided that I needed a man, needed to be in a relationship, needed to be married. So I lost about 25 pounds and I felt really good. I was exercising, people were noticing. I went on the hunt.

I started going onto free online dating sites. I met some very...interesting...men. Some scary, some boring, some crazy, but that summer I found a man that would love me and so I married him after knowing him about 5 weeks. It was a complete disaster. We didn't know each other at all, he had so many issues from his past, I just wanted to be loved and didn't really love him. Bottom line, I can tell you the actual moment I knew I should just walk away from the situation but decided to marry him anyway.

Of course, I ended up gaining weight after we were married, much more than I had even lost. The more depressed I got, the more I ate, the more I weighed, the more depressed I became, the more I ate.... A vicious cycle. I was diagnosed as diabetic during this time. Looooooooong story short, we divorced in 2001, and me at the weight of about 250.

I have tried to lose weight for men my entire life. I did it in grade school. I remember I would either eat a hot roll or an ice cream bar for lunch, and hardly anything at home. I lost a lot of weight, and of course everybody said I looked great, but I can only imagine the damage I had done to my body, let alone the damage to my psyche. I was still unhappy, even though I was 'skinny'. Anytime a man took notice of me at all I would instantly start to diet and make sure he would know I was losing weight. What a terrible roller coaster it has been.

I am so blessed to see all of this. I spent so many years in denial, in excuses, whatever. Do I think it's going to be easy? No way. I have too many years of incorrect thinking and reacting to overcome for it to come easily. I know that this time. Before I just muddled through hoping I would have it lucky this time. I think I see things much more clearly this time and this will make the difference.

So, my very good friend Eve and I have been talking, and she is successfully doing Weight Watchers. I'm very proud of her. She has lost at least 35 pounds and is feeling better and interacting with her children better. I know she will definitely encourage, motivate and inspire me. I have done Weight Watchers twice before so I know I can do it. I understand the program and it's actually quite easy to follow. The hard part is being honest and real about it.

Today I made some chicken fajita-type stuff and measured out my different components to make sure I was portioning properly--man do we over-portion in this society! Anyway, while measuring out my cheese, one of my favorite foods on earth aside from Reese's peanut butter cups, I had the old urge to make it a 'heaping' 1/4 cup as I would have done in the past. But this time I caught myself and was like, "You are only hurting yourself if you do that and you will fail. If that is your choice, then go ahead and quit now." Believe me, that was a break-through.

I have only eaten once today, which is wrong. I have so many bad habits to change and I need to get on a better schedule. When I did my points for the meal, though, it ended up being almost as much as my minimum for the whole day! I know I need to make much better choices, and I am going to be held back by my lack of money to buy better quality foods, but I will have to work through it. Just because it's hard I can't give up.

That's what I have always done. Too hard? Didn't get the response I wanted? I quit.

Well, not this time. I think I'm getting to the point if I don't change this now I won't have much time left to change it ever. And for crying out loud, at 35 years old, no matter what's been done to me, no matter what has happened, I make the final decision. Well, this time I am deciding to do it. I'm going to screw up, that's certain, but at least I'm screwing it up trying instead of being too lazy or selfish and choosing to fail.

:) Jan