I'm Getting Worried

I just read my last post, ha, "normal," what a laugh! I guess my "normal" is a constant state of chaos.

Oh, and before I forget, I lost 4 pounds this week which brings my grand total--including last week's weight gain--to 6.5 pounds lost. Not bad.

But seriously, I'm getting worried. I am wondering if I will ever be healthy or something remotely like it, and I'm wondering if there isn't something seriously wrong with my brain.

I've been sick, A LOT. I'm always sick it seems, something's always wrong, hurting, whatever. Since I went to WVU to see the specialist it's been insanely worse. Today I nearly killed myself and my mom. I was driving home from the doctor's office and all the sudden I realized there was a car stopped in front of me. God sent my angels to steer that car because there's no humanly way I could have made it move that smoothly around the other car without help. I was so scared, I have no idea where my brain was that I didn't notice the car in front of me.

I can't help but wonder if that Tramadol really messed me up. Now granted I have a sinus infection right now and that makes me feel crappy, but gosh, I can't believe how "not there" my brain is. I'm forgetting things left and right, I can't think straight, I get dizzy still. Until this infection is cleared up I can't be certain, but I'm concerned indeed.

I'm also concerned that I'm never going to get off this track I'm on. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I feel like I'm hanging by the end of my rope, and no matter how much I struggle I can't seem to reach for anything. I'm so frustrated!!! I can't seem to make things happen. The day goes by so quickly and I don't get anything accomplished. I practically cheer when I get some silly little thing done. I can't come up with hardly any new ideas or things to try. Have I crossed over some invisible line from a place from which I cannot return?

Now, I went to college at Ohio University. Anyone who is remotely familiar with it knows that it was once regarded as THE party school and held that title for years until it was officially retired from the list. I was far from a party animal, but I did my fair share of drinking. I know I killed some brain cells there. I often marvel, it's a good thing that dead brain cells don't fall out of our heads and pile up because Athens, Ohio would have been buried decades ago!

Besides losing those precious cells I have had some very high blood sugar readings from my diabetes. We're talking 500-800. And unfortunately I carried those scores for several years before finally getting it under control. I know that those kinds of numbers are very dangerous, and I know that when they were really high I wouldn't have much of a brain left.

When you couple all of this with fibromyalgia's infamous "brain fog" I'm wondering if maybe I'm not completely screwed? I've talked to quite a few fibro sufferers and that one thing seems to be a common complaint. I don't know how anyone else would really explain it, but I feel like I just can't quite get "the point" sometimes. Like there's no clarity, no matter how hard I "sits and thinks" I can't seem to come up with something with a lot of substance. I could be the proverbial tail-chasing cat. If I had a tail I know I'd go for it. I can't seem to make 'headway' in my brain--all puns ARE intended.

I'm SO frustrated!!!

It actually used to be worse. I used to drink & eat so-called "diet" things that contained aspartame. I couldn't seem to keep a thought in my head. Something simple like recalling what a hood on a car is called, "You know, that thing that lifts up and down that's on your car and all the parts are under it...?" Egad, I remember that conversation so clearly. Though I can't be certain if that's what it was actually. Now that I think about it, that happened not too long before I was diagnosed with fibro. But then, I think my mind seemed to improve after I stopped the aspartame. Oh well, no matter, I won't go back to the stuff. I'm hoping to become chemical-free one of these days!

My friends have to think I'm about an idiot. Every time we turn around I screw up something, can't think, say something stupid, and it's like watching a train wreck happen. I hate it. I truly, truly hate it. I used to be smart, maybe not a lot of sense--see marriage/divorce--but smart. And now I feel like a fool most of the time. Have I damaged my brain? Is there something I'm not doing that I could do that would make a difference? Is there any hope? Or is this simply a time in my life when my brain is just taking a little vacation from all the crap that has been happening?

I truly feel overwhelmed. It seems like everything in my life is wrong. It feels like everything that I try fails, and things I need to try I never see. I'm wondering what the future holds. Is the old me really gone, never to return? In most instances that would be good as there are many things I would not want to go back and pick up. But I have to say I'm really concerned my brain is drastically different than it used to be.

One of my favorite little cutesy sayings is: "Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." It's starting to not be so cute to me, it's becoming too real.

:) Jan

My Head Hurts

Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.

I can't seem to get anything out tonight, nothing very coherent anyway. I have a headache, not so unusual, but it's getting the best of me and stealing my good thoughts. I have other pain, too, of course, my ever-present fibromyalgia pain, as well as my good old buddy osteoarthritis. He's bad especially in my hands today. I think that's also part of the problem with me, I can't type very fast and so my brain and hands both not working is making this nearly impossible.

I'm rambling about absolutely nothing now, so I guess better quit. I'm very tired, too, because I fought very hard to stay awake today--I am trying to reset my schedule to try and get up earlier in the mornings. Life begins so early and I'm usually up 'til the wee hours or don't get a restful sleep at all. Then darn it if somebody doesn't call and wake me up!?! I've been on a new medication, too, that is making me really exhausted and rather zombie-like, but I think it's getting better since I stayed up all day long today. I may be paying for it now, though!

Sleep is what I miss the most, I think. I can't remember when it was that I actually woke up and felt rested. It's literally had to have been years because I can't remember! I battle fits of insomnia, sometimes can't sleep because of the pain, or headache, or stress, so I don't know how well tonight's going to go anyway, or my brain won't be quiet long enough for me to relax, or then there's the Restless Leg Syndrome.

RLS is so weird. I remember watching the commercials and thinking, yeah sure, my legs feel weird but I don't have that. Ha! When I had a sleep study done they said my feet and legs moved all night long! I still thought they were just overreacting, but then I quit taking the medication for it--well, I didn't have insurance at the time and couldn't afford it--I about went nuts with how much my legs crawled. I literally wanted to peel the skin off of my legs it was so bad!

But, anyway...I just don't get much rest. So I'm tired. And I usually end up taking a nap in the middle of the day. And those naps tend to last like 4 hours and I sometimes don't even hear the alarm or the phone to wake up. When I sleep too long then I really can't seem to get to sleep at night. So, we know one of the biggest keys to being healthy is sleep--and I'm just not getting it! It's a big key for fibromyalgia, too....

Sometimes I swear I'm going to absolutely have a psychotic episode I'm so tired and at my wits' end from not sleeping. I feel like if I don't sleep I will just literally explode. And I don't mean exploding temper, I mean really just blow up like a bomb! It's bizarre. It's like I'm a ticking bomb and about to go off. It's actually how I feel inside, my heart and mind both pulsate. I don't like those nights and days very much, and unfortunately they seem to be more frequent these days.

I think this is going to turn into a full-blown migraine because my left eye is drooping and the light is starting to make me feel nauseated. So, I have got to get out of here. I hope this wasn't too crazy or painful, but you know, I think it helped me to get that off my chest, so thanks!

:) Jan

The Return of Weight Watchers

I am fat and I am tired of it. And, I have decided that I will lose weight now.

I am publishing on the WWW for the entire planet to have access, my weight as of yesterday: 274.1 pounds. That number is surreal to me, but it is not the most I have ever weighed. My largest number was 305.6 pounds in January of 2007.

Disgusted? I am. Why did I get to this point? Many reasons and excuses I could give you. Being an insulin-dependent Type II diabetic makes it very difficult. Being on over 22 pills of medication a day makes it difficult. Being a food addict makes it difficult--and let me tell you, I have battled those issues since I was at least 3 and they are deeply ingrained in my actions. Having severe pain from fibromyalgia makes it difficult to want to exercise.

But bottom line, there is no reason I have gotten to this morbidly obese point greater than the fact that I have not used self-control to overcome it. Do I have reasons that losing weight is harder for me than most people? Yes. Just because it's harder, does that mean I should just give up then? Nope.

I can do this. But I need to focus and work at it. There is no room for half-way this time. I have lost weight before, I can do it again. But this time it's for the right reasons.

In the past I have lost weight in order to get a man. My greatest yearning is to be in love with the most wonderful man in the world, the one that I know God has prepared for me. I believe he is out there. But I have always made that my reason to lose weight. I have always felt that a man wouldn't or couldn't love me because I was too fat. I felt like that 100 pounds ago.

Anyway, in 1999 I got down to around 210, which I hadn't weighed in over 5 years. The reason was that I was 25 and decided that I needed a man, needed to be in a relationship, needed to be married. So I lost about 25 pounds and I felt really good. I was exercising, people were noticing. I went on the hunt.

I started going onto free online dating sites. I met some very...interesting...men. Some scary, some boring, some crazy, but that summer I found a man that would love me and so I married him after knowing him about 5 weeks. It was a complete disaster. We didn't know each other at all, he had so many issues from his past, I just wanted to be loved and didn't really love him. Bottom line, I can tell you the actual moment I knew I should just walk away from the situation but decided to marry him anyway.

Of course, I ended up gaining weight after we were married, much more than I had even lost. The more depressed I got, the more I ate, the more I weighed, the more depressed I became, the more I ate.... A vicious cycle. I was diagnosed as diabetic during this time. Looooooooong story short, we divorced in 2001, and me at the weight of about 250.

I have tried to lose weight for men my entire life. I did it in grade school. I remember I would either eat a hot roll or an ice cream bar for lunch, and hardly anything at home. I lost a lot of weight, and of course everybody said I looked great, but I can only imagine the damage I had done to my body, let alone the damage to my psyche. I was still unhappy, even though I was 'skinny'. Anytime a man took notice of me at all I would instantly start to diet and make sure he would know I was losing weight. What a terrible roller coaster it has been.

I am so blessed to see all of this. I spent so many years in denial, in excuses, whatever. Do I think it's going to be easy? No way. I have too many years of incorrect thinking and reacting to overcome for it to come easily. I know that this time. Before I just muddled through hoping I would have it lucky this time. I think I see things much more clearly this time and this will make the difference.

So, my very good friend Eve and I have been talking, and she is successfully doing Weight Watchers. I'm very proud of her. She has lost at least 35 pounds and is feeling better and interacting with her children better. I know she will definitely encourage, motivate and inspire me. I have done Weight Watchers twice before so I know I can do it. I understand the program and it's actually quite easy to follow. The hard part is being honest and real about it.

Today I made some chicken fajita-type stuff and measured out my different components to make sure I was portioning properly--man do we over-portion in this society! Anyway, while measuring out my cheese, one of my favorite foods on earth aside from Reese's peanut butter cups, I had the old urge to make it a 'heaping' 1/4 cup as I would have done in the past. But this time I caught myself and was like, "You are only hurting yourself if you do that and you will fail. If that is your choice, then go ahead and quit now." Believe me, that was a break-through.

I have only eaten once today, which is wrong. I have so many bad habits to change and I need to get on a better schedule. When I did my points for the meal, though, it ended up being almost as much as my minimum for the whole day! I know I need to make much better choices, and I am going to be held back by my lack of money to buy better quality foods, but I will have to work through it. Just because it's hard I can't give up.

That's what I have always done. Too hard? Didn't get the response I wanted? I quit.

Well, not this time. I think I'm getting to the point if I don't change this now I won't have much time left to change it ever. And for crying out loud, at 35 years old, no matter what's been done to me, no matter what has happened, I make the final decision. Well, this time I am deciding to do it. I'm going to screw up, that's certain, but at least I'm screwing it up trying instead of being too lazy or selfish and choosing to fail.

:) Jan