I'm Getting Worried

I just read my last post, ha, "normal," what a laugh! I guess my "normal" is a constant state of chaos.

Oh, and before I forget, I lost 4 pounds this week which brings my grand total--including last week's weight gain--to 6.5 pounds lost. Not bad.

But seriously, I'm getting worried. I am wondering if I will ever be healthy or something remotely like it, and I'm wondering if there isn't something seriously wrong with my brain.

I've been sick, A LOT. I'm always sick it seems, something's always wrong, hurting, whatever. Since I went to WVU to see the specialist it's been insanely worse. Today I nearly killed myself and my mom. I was driving home from the doctor's office and all the sudden I realized there was a car stopped in front of me. God sent my angels to steer that car because there's no humanly way I could have made it move that smoothly around the other car without help. I was so scared, I have no idea where my brain was that I didn't notice the car in front of me.

I can't help but wonder if that Tramadol really messed me up. Now granted I have a sinus infection right now and that makes me feel crappy, but gosh, I can't believe how "not there" my brain is. I'm forgetting things left and right, I can't think straight, I get dizzy still. Until this infection is cleared up I can't be certain, but I'm concerned indeed.

I'm also concerned that I'm never going to get off this track I'm on. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I feel like I'm hanging by the end of my rope, and no matter how much I struggle I can't seem to reach for anything. I'm so frustrated!!! I can't seem to make things happen. The day goes by so quickly and I don't get anything accomplished. I practically cheer when I get some silly little thing done. I can't come up with hardly any new ideas or things to try. Have I crossed over some invisible line from a place from which I cannot return?

Now, I went to college at Ohio University. Anyone who is remotely familiar with it knows that it was once regarded as THE party school and held that title for years until it was officially retired from the list. I was far from a party animal, but I did my fair share of drinking. I know I killed some brain cells there. I often marvel, it's a good thing that dead brain cells don't fall out of our heads and pile up because Athens, Ohio would have been buried decades ago!

Besides losing those precious cells I have had some very high blood sugar readings from my diabetes. We're talking 500-800. And unfortunately I carried those scores for several years before finally getting it under control. I know that those kinds of numbers are very dangerous, and I know that when they were really high I wouldn't have much of a brain left.

When you couple all of this with fibromyalgia's infamous "brain fog" I'm wondering if maybe I'm not completely screwed? I've talked to quite a few fibro sufferers and that one thing seems to be a common complaint. I don't know how anyone else would really explain it, but I feel like I just can't quite get "the point" sometimes. Like there's no clarity, no matter how hard I "sits and thinks" I can't seem to come up with something with a lot of substance. I could be the proverbial tail-chasing cat. If I had a tail I know I'd go for it. I can't seem to make 'headway' in my brain--all puns ARE intended.

I'm SO frustrated!!!

It actually used to be worse. I used to drink & eat so-called "diet" things that contained aspartame. I couldn't seem to keep a thought in my head. Something simple like recalling what a hood on a car is called, "You know, that thing that lifts up and down that's on your car and all the parts are under it...?" Egad, I remember that conversation so clearly. Though I can't be certain if that's what it was actually. Now that I think about it, that happened not too long before I was diagnosed with fibro. But then, I think my mind seemed to improve after I stopped the aspartame. Oh well, no matter, I won't go back to the stuff. I'm hoping to become chemical-free one of these days!

My friends have to think I'm about an idiot. Every time we turn around I screw up something, can't think, say something stupid, and it's like watching a train wreck happen. I hate it. I truly, truly hate it. I used to be smart, maybe not a lot of sense--see marriage/divorce--but smart. And now I feel like a fool most of the time. Have I damaged my brain? Is there something I'm not doing that I could do that would make a difference? Is there any hope? Or is this simply a time in my life when my brain is just taking a little vacation from all the crap that has been happening?

I truly feel overwhelmed. It seems like everything in my life is wrong. It feels like everything that I try fails, and things I need to try I never see. I'm wondering what the future holds. Is the old me really gone, never to return? In most instances that would be good as there are many things I would not want to go back and pick up. But I have to say I'm really concerned my brain is drastically different than it used to be.

One of my favorite little cutesy sayings is: "Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." It's starting to not be so cute to me, it's becoming too real.

:) Jan

I Think I'm Back to "Normal"

Well, it's been a long road from Tramadol to back again, and I am SO glad to be back to where I was before this whole mess. Ironic, I say, as before this I wasn't sure how worse it could be. Well, the laugh was on me, indeed, though I was not laughing. And you know, the doctors have never called me back.

So, anyway, with that madness behind me it's onward and upward! I feel like I lost about a week and a half there. But I feel like I am renewed and ready to fight some more.

You may be wondering, "So, did you lose any weight, then?" Nope, I actually gained 1.8 pounds back. But you know what? That's OK. It was a tough week, and considering everything I think it went pretty well. I need to re-center myself, though, and refocus my mind on that task. WW is an easy program to follow--I can add and subtract for the most part. The hard part is retraining my mind and how it reacts to stimuli that send me to food in the first place.

I saw my counselor for the first time in weeks yesterday, and that was goooooooood. I don't think we really "got anywhere" but I feel like I'm back on the road to getting things straightened out and purged from inside. My counselor has fibromyalgia, so she can quite commiserate on what it's like in every aspect. It's nice to be believed instead of found suspect or tolerated. I'm tired of feeling that way from so many people, whether they be from the medical field or from everyday life. I know that this disease is real. Why it happens, well, that could be from the mind, I don't know, but let me tell you, as I sat up most of last night in pain and unable to get to sleep because of it, I KNOW that it is REAL. I pray you never understand what that is like.

But, in that pain I was able to study more about my Savior. God is amazing. I knew that. I know that, but gosh, it's good to be reminded of exactly HOW good He is! I started reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel Sunday night. I could barely stand to put it down. I was captivated! It was so intriguing to me how he went through every plausible argument against the existence of Christ as God, and how in every case he found that history actually supported the claims the Bible makes about Him.

Strobel is a well-known Chicago journalist and atheist. He set out to determine that Jesus is not who the Bible says He is. He interviewed 13 scholars as to the veracity of the claims that Jesus is indeed the Messiah of the Jewish Bible, or Old Testament, and the Savior of the New Testament. In mainstream media and entertainment realms the Bible is treated with contempt or as a nice story. We get the impression that there are no real scholars that are basing the reality of the Bible on true facts. This is far from the case. There are many places in historical records that concur with the Bible testimony of the Apostles.

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!!

I can't tell you what it was like for me to read especially the "CSI-type" account of the torture of Jesus. If anyone can deny Christ's love for us after reading that, so help them God! It changed me forever, and I didn't think anything after the "Passion of the Christ" could do that. I'm planning to get into The Case for the Creator ASAP.

I'm sorry to have to cut this post short today. I have many things I could say about the book, about the Book, and about my God! I'm loving to study about Him. I'm excited to learn more. I want to have as many arrows in my quiver as possible as I head into battle. I hope that people realize how close we are. I hope people realize that the time is coming that we will have to choose whether to pronounce or denounce Christ in our lives. It's no legend, people, the time is near. Please be ready!

:) Jan