Looking for Joy

OK, so here I am, heading back into the pit of despair. I've been cutting myself off from people, cutting myself off from God, cutting myself off from myself. I hate it when I do that, and I know what I need to do in order not to go there. My real quandary is how to get myself to do what I need to do before I have to be jerked out of the hole by none other than Pablo.

So what is it that I need to do?

Start and spend my days with God.

Why don't I do it automatically?

Because somehow I think that if I just do a few things and then come back to God then it'll be OK: the life-long procrastinator.

Not working, must change.

The weird thing is I've been doing all sorts of word studies, etc. in the Bible, but they do me no good if I don't put them into practice. I let whatever is happening in my life, or not happening, dictate how I respond to life. Ugh, here we go with emotion again. I know that I find encouragement when I read His Word and let Him know how I'm feeling.

OK, so, let me run by you some things I've been looking up in the Bible, and hopefully that will underscore in my own mind what I need to do. According to God's Word, good things happen if we seek Him. You probably have heard this one:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not grow weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 KJV

OK, so how about these?

"And you who seek God, your hearts shall live." Psalm 69:32b NKJV

"I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently will find Me. Riches and honor are with Me, enduring riches and righteousness." Proverbs 8:17-18 NKJV

Sounds pretty good to me, though realize of course that He's not saying follow Me and roll in gold, and we shouldn't follow Him just so we're living the good life--but Jehovah-jireh is our Provider, how awesome!

"But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing." Psalm 34:10b NKJV

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:3-7a NKJV

I'm going to throw this next part in for free. If you look closely when you read the Bible you will sometimes see "the LORD" and "GOD" and other times they will not be in all caps. Ever wonder what the difference is? Well, I'm taking some Bible classes and the instructor explained that those capitalized versions are when the scriptures say Yahweh or what we hear more often, Jehovah. And the really cool thing about Yahweh is that in Hebrew it is made up of 4 letters, you know the Jews do not spell out the name of God but always type it YHWH.

Anyway, the four letters really encompass all that God is, including Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The letters literally mean hand, breath, and nail: the Hand of God: our Creator and Most Powerful of powers; the Breath of God: Our Holy Spirit; Our Nail-Pierced Saviour, Christ Jesus. And what really blows me away is that most Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah, and yet He was crucified and pierced (Psalm 22:16c "they pierced my hands and my feet."), just as the Hebrew word for God from the Torah states! So many mysteries revealed in every aspect of the Lord and His Word!

God rocks.

OK, so there are a lot more passages I could quote for you on seeking God, but I want to move on to finding rest in Him. So, if you want to look more up, here are the references:

Deuteronomy 4:29-31, Psalm 42:3-5, Psalm 51:6-8, 10, 12, Psalm 119:2-7, Proverbs 2:3-12a, 20-21, Proverbs 8:32-35, Jeremiah 29:12-14a, Matthew 5:6, Hebrews 11:6

So, then, I have been monstrously exhausted for the last several weeks. I started taking Vitamin D as I am very deficient, and have Googled the side effects and they really don't match how I feel, though anything is possible; I always seem to have weird reactions to things. The other thing that I've started is being more diligent in studying the Word and have had an increased desire to really know God. I believe the enemy does not like that too well, and he knows after all these years of watching me that when I get sick, exhausted and/or depressed I fall away from purposeful living. I hate him.

So, anyway, in trying to combat this extreme fatigue I decided to look up passages about rest. I'm sure you've heard this one:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Here are a few more:

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" Exodus 33:14 NKJV

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'" Isaiah 30:15a-b NKJV

"Thus says the LORD: 'Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls.'" Jeremiah 6:16a-b NKJV

I'm seeing a pattern here: seek God, find rest--and a whole lot of other amazing things! I know I need to start my day with Him, He is the best friend that I have, He is the one Who truly knows my sorrows and pain as He bore them on the tree, He is the one who cares for me and loves me like no other.

Father God, I need You, I want to know You more and more. Awaken in me the longing for you as David had, who panted after you as the deer pants for water! Holy Spirit, speak louder in my ear that I would listen to You and Your Words.

So, to close, let me quote you a really cool passage that tells us how God cherishes us:

"The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

How awesome is it to think that God sings over us, that He delights in us? I get so discouraged and upset with myself when I fail; it's so amazing to think that He can find joy in me. I want Him to have more joy in me. I know that in seeking His joy, I will find mine. (And yes, I already did a word study on joy; maybe next time I'll give you those passages.)

Be blessed,

:) Jan

Exploring Expletives

I went to see the movie "Julie & Julia" with my mother (Julia who goes by Julie) on Labor Day. The movie is based on the true story of writer and blogger Julie Powell who decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cookbook in the span of one year and blog about it. The story intertwined with the life story of Julia herself; it was so interesting to learn about the classically trained quirky chef and the things that she and her husband went through. Yes, basically it was a "chick flick" but I enjoyed it for its closer to truth than fiction story lines.

Anyway, considering this post is about expletives, I suppose I should make the segue to why "Julie & Julia" relates to the topic. The movie was virtually free from any foul language--aside from duck deboning or poultry trussing, har har har--and sexual innuendo with pasta. The most blatant expletive usage was the part of which my mother did not approve: the F Word placed at an entirely fitting and completely hilarious moment.

Confession: I dig the F Word and all its variations. It is one of my all-time favorite words, perfect in so many usage possibilities: noun, verb, adjective, in compound forms...so satisfying in its nastiness (with a lot of possibilities I'd forgotten about until I Googled the etymology of it). If not for the fact that it makes me sound so uneducated and uncouth I would use the F Word with reckless abandon. It is, unfortunately, a habit that rears its ugly head mostly on those occasions when I am interacting with obstinate inanimate objects, obnoxious or inept drivers, or, I'm most embarrassed to say, when my mother pushes my last button.

My mother HATES the F Word. Vehemently. Passionately. Abhors it. That is what originally inspired my desire to use it in her presence.

My father, on the other hand, was a most gifted and proficient curser. He was in the military and certainly retained many colorful expressions from that time. And as I practically worshiped him as a child, I wanted to emulate him. And, of course, in school it was so cool to cuss behind adults' backs. I became a pro profaner. And bottom line, I just liked the way it sounded and how it gave power to my speech.

I have tried to kick the habit and clean up my language and have been able to considerably limit the usage of expletives. When I start getting wound up I tend to use quite a few--something I still really need to work on.

But, I've been really thinking about words and how the Bible says that life and death is in our tongues. I have come to realize I've been dividing expletives and such into two categories: completely evil and really-meaningless-yet-not-so-nice.

I abhor taking God's name in vain! I do not OM_ opting for "ohmygosh" or something similar to make a point, and I can't believe how many avowed Christians use God's name so flippantly. He must be so grieved that people have become so blasé that they don't think twice about cursing Him. I'm not perfect, of course, especially when it comes to things like, "Oh, Lord" or something similar when not beseeching Him. How many of us use it and don't think about it? I've caught myself doing it and have felt so ashamed.

It's easy to become self-righteous about overt blasphemy like taking God's or Jesus' name in vain, but how often do the phrases roll off of our tongues and we don't blink an eye? Why don't we think it's a big deal to OM_ but have hissies over the F Word or slang for body parts?

I have stopped watching many movies and reading many books for taking God's name in vain in one way or another. I think it only took 3 minutes of "Hancock" for Will Smith to take Jesus' name in vain. I still remember he landed inside the car and then said it. Can't tell you what happened after that. I put down one of Nicholas Sparks' last books not too far into it for the character saying Jesus' name in vain.

I can't even tell you the last time I listened to mainstream radio. I realized several years ago that I have to be careful about the music that I listen to because I have such a connection with music, enjoy singing so much that I really take the lyrics to heart. When I listened to some songs I ended up thinking about doing things I shouldn't or feeling bad about not being like the people in the songs or having what they were singing about--mostly to do with men, love, sex, a beautiful body.... Yes I've heard, seen and read a whole lot less, but I can say that there's been a lot less "garbage in" thus producing much less "garbage out."

Why is blasphemy so accepted that people don't even bat an eye anymore? A friend of mine said the Sparks book was so great. When she asked me later how I liked it I told her I didn't finish it and why. She said she hadn't even noticed, and she's a Christian. How sad.

OK, so then when you think about other things that we say: take "damn". Now there's a word we shouldn't be slinging around, especially followed by "you" and definitely not preceded with God's name! I tend to catch myself damning "its". And then there's "Hell" that definitely should not be used lightly! I think if we were more serious about making sure people weren't going there and not so focused on fitting into the world we might take notice of some of these things.

You know another word we really shouldn't use so casually is "holy." I've been to Toledo, and it's not all that. I love me some cows--they're udderly fantastic and hay, I cud milk the puns for all they're worth--but really, they are not holy! Shouldn't we limit our usage of that word to the One Who truly is holy? My Saviour's Name, my Almighty Creator's Name is precious, and the reality of salvation and damnation should make those of us who should "know better" to choose our words more carefully.

So, when you think about the F Word, it's not quite on the same plane as these other infractions, it's just a word. It is not a nice word, and it can definitely be used to get into trouble with someone sexually, or can be used to hurt or incite someone to anger, but is it so bad?

Well, the Bible says we should refrain from all bad language and speaking:

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Ephesians 4:29 KJV

"But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. And their message will spread like cancer." II Timothy 2:16-17a NKJV

The F Word may only be a word with no real spiritual significance, but bottom line, I should not be using it, should not be telling any off-color or down-right dirty jokes, or making any sexual innuendos whatsoever. What it comes down to is can what I say cause someone else to stumble, or give them an excuse to not want to be a hypocrite Christian like me? I don't want to take the chance!

So, there you have it, my exposition exposing extraneous and exploitative expletives.

Have you truly listened to yourself lately? Do you know what others are hearing you say? Do you realize what God is hearing you say?

My mom used to wash my mouth out with liquid dish soap when I was a kid--she would probably be jailed with my removal from her custody in today's pansy world. But I was such a little tyrant that I would smack my lips and exclaim how good it was and would actually ask for more.

You have to hand it to my mom, she tried her best with what she had to work with. I have told her before she should have beat me within an inch of my life, but it's too late now!!! Maybe I should employ the dish soap deterrence system to keep me from further expletive explosions. Naaaaaaaaaaah! But I definitely want to clean up my language and bring glory to My Heavenly Father. Shouldn't we all?

Be blessed-

Jan

Another WOW Moment & Kick in the Pants

So, I just had a two and a half hour conversation with Pablo and he gave me more "wows" and helped me see what I've been doing and face more truths about myself. Praise God, but golly, how many more things do I need to get kicked over before I "get it" myself and stop acting foolishly?

(By the way, there will be a good post in the future about expletives, but I couldn't concentrate because of this, so stay tuned....)

I've been leaning unto my own understanding. Not a good call on my part. I've been allowing fear to dominate my life still and yet not seeing it that way. I've been trying to force plans and panicking about what I think I should be doing instead of finding where God wants me to be according to His time and plan.

Ugh, I feel like a big screw-up right now, but I'm glad to be getting over the looking stupid part and just try to see the light. Poor Pablo, I am so glad he's in my life but I know he's about tired of my crap and that I never seem to "get it". I'm tired of that, but I think it's because I've been trying to use my brain to figure things out instead of asking God and seeking help from others. I cannot be left to my own devices.

That's actually pretty much what this morning's sermon was about: letting God work in and through us instead of trying to do it ourselves. I have been asking God to get me out of my own (His) way. I've been asking that, but I haven't been actively doing it myself. I'm not quitting God or giving up on serving Him, but I know I'm not trying hard enough to just rest in Him while being active in my pursuit of Him and being everything He wants me to be.

Now, I have been a quitter my whole life. If something's too hard, if it seems like I just don't get it, if I'm thinking I'm probably a bigger problem than I could actually be a solution, whatever it is that is going through my head at the time, whatever it is that I am obsessing about or focusing on, that's what makes me quit.

I quit the history fair in grade school when one of my friends decided not to do it because it just was too much work and we shouldn't make the effort. (Jan the Follower didn't see the destination of accomplishment & learning, just the journey of work & effort with the possibility of failure.) I quit the Women in the Sciences program in junior high because I wanted to seem cool to the same friend who was quitting 'cause it just was too boring. (Jan the Follower) I wanted to quit band my freshman year of high school because I wasn't as good at it as my brother and didn't want to work as hard at it as he did, but my mom made he keep at it. (Jan the Lazy & Fearful of Failure)

Gosh, I've sat here thinking about the things I've done or not done, accomplished or not accomplished, and about the question that Pablo asked me: what motivates me?

I've been a very selfish person. I've been motivated by money, I've been motivated by how it makes me look to others, I've been motivated by the hope for acceptance, I've been motivated by guilt, by fear, by sense of duty, but I've also been motivated by love, compassion, the sense of doing what's right, all very unselfish motives. I've had a lot of different motivations in doing or not doing many things.

So, now, the big questions: what do I really want to do, and why do I really want to do them? And the next big things are, how will I accomplish them, what lengths will I go to finish the tasks, and are my true motivations going to make me succeed--or will I fail or quit like I have so many times?

Well, I need to really peel away all the shoulds and coulds, and decide where my heart lies. What is my attitude toward all of the things I might do, and what do I think my true calling is? What have I labeled myself as, why am I afraid of some of the labels I might have, and why do I think I have to have a label at all?

Since I lost my full-time job last year I have been in limbo. This job was a source of income, a source of insurance, a source of an identity. It was not a source of pride, a source of accomplishment, a source of challenges to make me grow. But I mourned the loss of my comfort and my pride.

Losing that job was one of the best things that has happened to me. But I have dreaded the question: "Where do you work?" because to me and the typical American, that 40-hour a week position with benefits and retirement defined my role as a productive--and acceptable--member of society.

I didn't see that I was just a fake bankrupt character not giving my best at something that didn't make me want to be the best. However, since then, how have I defined myself? Mainly as a failure. Have I really tried to be anything more than that? Not really except that Praise God I finally in the last couple of months figured out that I need to live in the Light of God and actively work for Him.

Awesome!

Except:

I have been frantically trying to apply my definition of what really following God is, and that definition has been wrong. Thank God above that He had Pablo kick me again to make me realize that I have had it all wrong, and I've been trying to force a black and white idea of what I think I "should" be on God. And, in doing that and planning some grand scheme of a new life I was quitting everything that hasn't been working in my life--and not working because I had not been working, because I had again quit and given up because what I thought should happen by now hasn't been happening so obviously I shouldn't be doing it.

Yes, sort-of. I shouldn't be doing it the way I have been doing it. Aha! (Wow.)

So, then, back to motives: why have I been doing/not doing what I've been doing where I am? Fear. Indecision. Plain old giving up instead of seeing the big picture. Forgetting where I started.

Thank God again Pablo reminded me of where we started and how far we've come, and how we even began. If not mainly for him, we would not be where we are--because of all of the reasons I listed above that have resulted in me not accomplishing much of anything.

I'm going to be completely vulnerable here: since I have let so many of those things cause me to fail in the past, what makes me think I can do it this time? How many things have I started and never finished?

Oh gosh, that list would be a long sucker.

I have to be honest here and say I'm scared. I'm scared I am going to fail.

But, I'm scared of not trying and that scares me worse than the possibility of failure.

I know if I don't try then I might as well hang it up right now, sell all that I have left, move in with my mom, give up and die before I reach 50 like the doctors say I will anyway. That would be SO easy.

My mom would take care of me. I could be selfish and let her. She would do it, and I have plenty of excuses as to why I could go that way. I've been diagnosed with just under a dozen pretty major conditions. She can work circles around me. She's lonely and would like the companionship. I'm alone and would have somebody taking care of me. I love my mom, she loves me, and I know she believes that I am a victim of a lot of bad circumstances, and that bottom line I am her sick little fat girl she needs to take care of.

Ouch. Let's just put it out there.

I've played the victim my whole life. I have indeed been a victim of many painful things throughout my life, but I DO NOT want those things to define me any longer. If I would choose to give up and let my mom take care of me then I would be giving in to playing the victim. Unfortunately she has been doing the same thing for many years as well. We've both been drama queen victims wallowing in the fact that life isn't fair and we've been too afraid to be hurt any more.

It would be so easy for me to exploit the co-dependant relationship we've had. I have plenty of reasons why I could give up. It's just too hard to accomplish anything when you have as many physical ailments as I. How can you think when you barely sleep, have "brain fog" are in constant pain, are plagued by depression and anxiety...? And since Dad died, Mom has been lonely, and fearful, so we would be in a sense taking care of each other....

I rebuke it all in the name of Jesus! I am not defined by diagnoses, and if I stay in that mindset I am dead already. We are no longer victims of past abuse. I choose to live, and to do so, I must choose how I am going to live, and decide what's most important to me.

I need to keep these things in front of my eyes. How do I do that? Am I really so shallow that I don't have that sticking ability? I seem to always unravel once the passion of the moment subsides, as Pablo said, once the emotion fades. My resolve and motivations must be strong or I will let go again and quit.

My parents are two of the reasons why I have always done these things, I know that, but I can't continue doing it just because they inspired or encouraged these traits. I know that a lot of the reasoning behind my quitting things is fear, and the fear is driven by my diminished self-esteem resulting from my father's mental abuse. My mother has always been plagued by low self-esteem and fear, and just caved-in when things were too hard, ran away from them or simply cried. I learned from the best two on why or how to avoid things.

But, I can't live in the past, I can't blame them forever. I have to take responsibility. And I have to admit I'm worried that maybe deep down I am shallow.

No, I can't believe that. I know the truth about what God made me to be: I'm fearfully and wonderfully made--but not made to be fearful. God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. And the work that He started in me He will not quit until it is finished. He Who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Oh, God, why is it so hard to be what You want me to be and what I want me to be? If You could just go ahead and flip that switch in my heart and head that changes me, I'd be really grateful!

All right, so then, balls to the wall, I'm deciding what's important to me, and why they're important to me, and that they're important enough to WORK at, and having faith that I will succeed in persevering and not being a quitter.

Now seriously, let me give myself a bit of credit. I have wanted to quit working on the business stuff since about the beginning because of being so scared and just fearful of trying anything at all, being afraid I was too sick to see it through, and because of the volatile relationship Pablo and I had at the beginning. Here we are nearly 3 years later and I'm still here. Now, technically I was ready to quit tonight, but not to do nothing and let my mom take care of me.

I want to work for God and I know that He has a calling on my life.

However, I was trying to force His Hand in a way, dictating what I thought He would want of me, and thinking it was that way or the highway. But thank God He gave Pablo such discernment and a window into my heart and head that he made me realize what I was doing was not according to God's will, but what I was telling God His will was.

And let me be honest, I know that my relationship with my mom is one that tempts me to just do nothing, and I keep thinking I need to escape from it and leave this place. If I'm supposed to be working for God, and I need to get away from where I am, I made the giant leap to packing up and moving half-way around the world as the answer.

Once I think about it and deconstruct all of my behavior I really seem so very foolish and childish. I'm embarrassed by my gung-ho "my way" grandiose yet escapist thinking. Thank God He sent my best friend and covenant relationship partner Pablo to tell me when I'm acting like an imbecile and getting too big for my britches, or allowing my fear to dictate my actions.

OK, so, what does all of this mean? This means that right now I'm in my WOW! stage and am feeling like I can march through the world and conquer everything! So then, that means I need to go pray now, and tomorrow, and forever, to just stay raw and vulnerable about who I am and am not, and about what I want to do while making sure I'm in God's will: take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

Now let me say one thing I've been learning about God's will, and one lie in my head that has the ability to keep me immobile: there is no great light bulb that is going to come on over my head, no great big magic wand that's going to come out of thin air and bonk me on the head sending stardust into my eyes so I can magically see His will, no great booming voice saying, "Aha! Yes, move now, this is My will!" Poof! Eureka, you've got it!

I've been waiting for that my whole life and that has rendered me useless.

That's a big reason why I was trying to force God's Hand in my plans because I have spent so much time waiting and doing nothing that I decided to do the polar opposite, decided I better saddle up and ride, full steam ahead! (I do so love mixed metaphors.)

I don't know why I tend to think it always has to be one way or the other. I don't have to define God's definition of serving Him for Him according to my preconceived notions. But I do know that there are things in my heart that I still want to do for Him. Pablo made me see that I was just trying to force it how I thought it had to be. I don't like being so blind--God give me eyes to see, ears to hear, a clean heart and a renewed spirit, please.

OK, so moving away from Plan B, which is what I was on...to Plan...G, I think.

And I need to stop trying to partition life into certain segments and think they shouldn't interact. Hello!?!?! Where did I begin with Pablo, with business? With God. And with God, all things are possible, right? So why wouldn't they still interact? Why would I think one is interfering with the other?

Oh God, I've been foolish in my thinking. Thank You for showing me my errors in thinking, and for sending me Pablo.

OK, so I guess that's where I will leave it for now. Not at all what I thought I would be writing as my next post. I already have the other one written and intended to just type it up. Wrong-o. And I'm so glad, I'm so glad that I can use this blog to work through my issues.

I wonder sometimes if this blather helps anyone out there at all. Does anyone aside from a couple of my friends read this--and gosh, considering how much I have put out here, what on earth must they be thinking of me?

When I started the blog I thought maybe my stories would help other people see that they're not the only ones going through stuff--that I was making a difference. In the middle, I lost that and hoped that people were "reading me" and I was important, until I forgot to remember my place in Christ and went with the lie that I was crazy--ugh those are painful posts to reread let me tell you, though I praise Him that He brought me out of that Egypt!

But over the last couple of months I've realized that my motivation has changed back to what it was in the beginning, with the addition that it's not that I am looking to help someone or else it's not worth it, a false sense of being needed or important, but into a hope that in baring my heart and hurts, in releasing the pain or pleasure that my life brings, I may be able to help someone, even if I never have a clue about it, and really, I'm helping me be a better me, so I am helping myself.

How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself? Writing in this blog helps me love myself. That's really cool to realize actually.

So, anyway, that's where I am: Plan G. I'll keep you posted, literally.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

I Believe I Can Fly

I have this song stuck in my head, and that's a great song to keep playing like that. I'm not sure who wrote it, but the writer HAD to know about our beautiful Savior. Here're the lyrics; I italicized the ones that really speak of God to me:

"I Believe I Can Fly"

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar

I see me running through that open door

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

- - -

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Sometimes silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Oh I believe I can fly...

- - -

Yes, we can do it, but we have to believe it--and God tells us all throughout the Scriptures about His love and promises for us. We can do all things through Christ Who gives us strength (Phil 4:13).

But the enemy loves to make us think we can't do anything, or tells us how we've failed over the years, how people have failed us over the years, how impossible it may seem, oh so many lies and possibilities. The key is that we need to stay in the Word and keep God's promises fresh in our minds, and to encourage each other to do the same.

It's hard to have endured a lifetime of verbal abuse or low self-esteem that's lies, if left unchecked, can spiral me into a deep depression. I've been working very hard over the last couple of months to change my negative thinking, to change my attitude, to keep myself close to God and those who will help me to stay positive. It's something I know I need to be vigilant about.

I know in this day and age people are pretty blase about 'needing' to go to church. I think one of the biggest problems is that people aren't going to the right church, or going for the right reasons. Yes, technically you don't have to go to church. It's not a requirement for salvation. However, the Word says to not forsake the assembling together--for a good reason!

I am in the most amazing church now. I spent 33 years in churches that did not minister to me. To me they were filled with people trying to act like perfect Christians (me included), didn't teach me how to love God, just how to fear Him, didn't teach me how to worship Him--a big part of what we're supposed to be doing on earth--and didn't teach me about the enemy. I learned to always wait for God's punishment after every screw-up, how to pretend to be righteous, to look down on other denominations and be judgmental....

Yes, I grew up in a church that my mom chose for us, but I never sought out another once I knew I was not happy there. Only in being seriously let down by the last church I was in did I eventually look for a church that was filled with the Light, where I have been able to tear down all the walls that I had built in a "proper" church, to see God for Who He is, and to see me for who I am. It's awesome!

But without my church family I know I would struggle through my week so much more. They keep me encouraged, they keep me accountable, they teach me, love me, accept me, everything that a church should do. I hope that if you have not found the right church you will take the step to find one. It's the second best thing I've ever done--next to my realization for my complete need for Jesus!

I know that without them, without the pillars of friends in my life, I would get back to that deep depression, that churning place that makes me completely unusable by God, that place the devil loves to try and get me to, that place where I see no hope and see myself as worthless instead of created by the Master according to His image, fearfully and wonderfully made.

So, I hope you realize that you can fly through Christ. God has given us so many gifts through the salvation of His Son, and there are many miracles that He desires to bring to and work through us, we just need to realize it and hold on to that truth.

Many blessings!

:) Jan

Message to a Friend

I just finished emailing a friend back who has been going through a lot of issues lately and has been feeling lost in her faith and far from God. It occurred to me that maybe what I wrote could help some of you as well. I did, after all, pretty much preach a sermon!!! Some of the stuff in it is personal to me, but I feel that in my vulnerability and transparency maybe you may find some help.

So, here's the text of what I wrote:


"I'm not working, but I'm thinking about putting in some apps. I'm completely out of money and am still not accepting that I have to go on Disability--if it goes through then great, I just don't want to give up on being able to work and be productive! I struggle every day in functioning, but everyone does to some degree. I'm going to have to suck it up and 'just do it'.

And yes, God has changed me that is for sure!!! I am SO thankful that He brought me to where I need to be. Just yesterday I went to lunch with my pastor and his wife to talk about my future. I want to serve Him so much. I'm thinking about what I can do in the ministry. Right now I know I need to get healthy and get closer to Him. I have battled depression my whole life, have battled weight and feeling ugly my whole life, I was molested several times as a kid, I've been raped and beaten, mentally abused, I've been into the occult, battled demons, tried to commit suicide, and worst of all tried to fake being a real Christian--I've been in the darkness, and I know that if I don't stay in the Light I am lost.

Like Peter, if I take my eyes off of Jesus I sink. Is it a battle to stay in that Light? ohmygosh, yesssssss When I don't actively seek Him then I fall into my old patterns, cut myself off from talking to people and stop talking to God. I understand exactly you're talking about. I am praying that you will find whatever it is that you need to find that connection to God that we're all craving. Don't give up. I repented of the occult stuff Christmas of 2006 and I have been going through this process then for what, 32 months? How long does it take to make a baby elephant, something like that, right!?! :) But seriously, I have waged war with the enemy, literally, and what I find most is when I take my eyes off of God then I have no hope because really, as we are in flesh, there is no hope for us. But with God, all things are possible.

So, bottom line, I LOVE YOU and I won't give up on you because if I did then I'd have to give up on myself! And if I give up on myself then it's because I believe God isn't big enough to handle my problems, and if that's the case then obviously He's not big enough to be able to promise me eternity.

The enemy is the one who is the prince of this earth and the father of lies. He's been watching us our whole lives figuring out our weaknesses and using them against us. He sucks. But, only when we realize how he operates can we fight him. After I repented of the witchcraft did I learn about the enemy and how he operates. Churches today don't teach enough about how the devil works. Most people either treat him like he's just a joke almost, or people are terrified of him. We don't need to be afraid because we have more power in Christ than he has. But, we need to know how he works or we won't see what he's up to:

The Bible says, "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." I think that was Paul, who remember said he was ticked because what he wanted to do he wouldn't do, and what he shouldn't do he did--and he actually met Jesus on the road! So, if all these Bible guys walked and talked with God and still screwed up, hey, we're doing pretty good! But I have to actively remind myself of this verse. When I'm thinking something negative I need to study it and say, does this coincide with what God has said, or is this a lie of the enemy? Lies: "I'm worthless, I'm ugly, no one will love me, I will never change, I'm a hopeless case, God could never use me because of what I have done, I'm crazy...." Truth: "We are fearfully and wonderfully made, we are the salt/light of the world, we can do all things through Him who gives us strength, He "has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind", we are set free from the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the Kingdom of Christ...."

You are amazing with a beautiful heart and many talents. God has given us the power to loose that which is loose in Heaven, and to bind that what is bound from entering Heaven: I bind satan and his demons in the name of Jesus, his weapons will not harm you. I loose the angels to surround you and know the presence of God's love and peace which passeth all understanding. If you believe, nothing will be kept from you.

This verse makes my heart sing: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

He has not started anything in us that He will not finish. And think of this: satan doesn't attack those who are useless. Don't you think that God must have some good things in store for us if satan has to work so hard to try and make us fall? Pretty cool, huh?

;) Be BLESSED today, claim what is yours rightfully in Jesus's name. I'm here for you, I love you, I believe in you! He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world!"


Hope this helps someone out there who may be going through something similar. GOD BLESS YOU!!!

:) Jan

Letting Go of Pride, Taking Hold of God's Gifts

So on Sunday I went to church as I have been doing for the past several Sundays, praise God! I'm trying to be faithful, as He is faithful. Plus, gosh, it's amazing. Our church is actually praising God, not just there out of guilt or pretense, but truly to worship the Creator and to learn more about Him!

Afterward we had our monthly church social--what I call "The Feed". It's a time after church where we gather in the Family Center, people bring tons of food and we just have a great meal and fellowship. Yes, every church is into eating....

Anyway, while sitting with my friends, I don't know what prompted it, what we were discussing, but I started to talk about how I am out of money, and out of food. I literally had 7 things left in my refrigerator (aside from condiments), and 3 of those things had gone bad. I started crying, A LOT, and not because of the actual situation, but because I feel like I'm not doing enough, because I am not working, though I'm trying to come up with some ways to make money. I guess we never feel like we're doing enough.

So, anyway, one of my friends went and told the ladies doing the cooking and cleaning up that I could use some food. Now, I had brought 2 containers with me, one for me and one for my friend I have been picking up to go to church every week. There are always tons of leftovers and so I knew that they would give me some of what was left from what the church had bought. However, not only did they fill my two dishes and send them both home with me, but they also gave me 14 more! (And yes, my friend got some, too.) I imagine it was like watching Jesus feed the thousands, the woman who kept pouring out the oil in her jar, or the woman who fed Elijah first and found her grain barrel kept refilling--there just didn't seem to be an end to all the food!

All I could do is cry and cry and cry. At first, yes, it was my pride...I should be the one helping, not being helped. I "look" on the outside like everything is OK, my clothes are nice, I wear jewelry, my car looks nice, I live in a nice house--but I can't feed myself. I want to help other people, I don't like being this person who is not out there working or getting things accomplished. Being that vulnerable, that bare, that helpless was difficult to show to anyone else.

But as they kept bringing out more and more containers and saying, "Do you want this, how about that, here take this with you..." I was just so overwhelmed by their love. All I could say was, "My cup runneth over." I truly know now what that is like, what those words feel like in my heart. Those women blessed me in SO many ways and helped me grow in those minutes that I could have only grown through that experience. Add to it, one of the ladies put some money in my pocket saying that someone gave it to her and just wanted me to have it. It was enough to cover a bill I owed today!

Jehovah-jireh: the LORD our Provider! He is our hope, He is our refuge, He is our strength, we have His favor!

I've been asking God to make me a blessing, and here He blessed me beyond what I could have imagined. I had NO idea that would happen Sunday. I went expecting 1 dish and came back with 16! I went with no money and came back with some! This is definitely a "God-thing". No one else but God could have made that happen. It was extraordinary, overwhelming, humbling, exciting, amazing....

I truly know that He is taking care of me:

I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free, for His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!

A friend of Pablo's sent him and me a link on YouTube with Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston singing "When You Believe". They've been talking about how we are trying to find ways to make money, about how it is overwhelming that we sometimes feel like we're getting nowhere, losing strength. No matter what we've been through, come what may, Pablo and I are still moving forward, together. Thank the Lord for his friendship!

When I listened to that song today, sung by two secular artists who I grew up loving to sing along with, I had to cry and praise God for showing me that if I have faith, if I believe, it will happen, He will prosper me.

HE IS LISTENING, HE IS SENDING MIRACLES.

He knows the plans He has for me, to not harm me, but to prosper me, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He has those plans for you, too!

Not my will Lord, but thine. He must increase, I must decrease.

When I can't go on, He can. When you can't go on, He will carry you, too.

Be blessed!!!

:) Jan

Coming Back To What I Left Behind

I feel like I have when I've needed to call a friend, but it's been such a long time I keep putting it off because I feel so guilty for not having called before now.

I can't believe it's been almost three months since my last post. But then again, I've re-read it and I was in a very out-of-control place; it's been another tough journey coming back from it. But, here I am.

I was so convinced that I might be crazy that I was making myself crazy. Bottom line, that's what I was doing. It took my best friend Pablo to shake me out of that place and back into reality to see it. I don't know what I would do without him. Poor guy, I know he gets so tired of having to 'rescue me' from my old ways. I love him, that's for sure.

I know I am not crazy, but if I get in a self pity place and then start obsessing about everything I will get right back into that "churning place" that I talked about in that last post. It's a perfect explanation of how I end up there, by churning away like a washing machine, turning ideas or thoughts over and over in my head. It's a dangerous thing for me to do, and I don't like where I end up after I do it. It definitely is not a cleansing action, but one that makes things go darker.

I spent a couple of weeks in the light of God's love since that realization and revitalization. What an awesome place to be! I wish I could stay in that warm and joyous place all of the time, but I cannot. It's intoxicating to feel that all-encompassing love of the Father. When I am there I want everyone in the world to feel it. I want to spread the Word about what God can do for everyone.

But then, what goes up, must come down. And I knew I would as I've been through this before. But the first time I went through it I spent time mourning the loss of the feeling of God. I spent time wishing to have it back. At least this time I know that it will come again, and most importantly, I realize that if I try hard to get closer to God, I come closer to that feeling of total exhilaration. And bottom line, a relationship with God is not about emotion, it's about a commitment.

Here goes a rabbit: I think that's what is wrong with a lot of people today who get married and then divorce. People think that relationships are based in emotions, and once that euphoria wanes in a relationship, people forget that what is left is love, a commitment to love--for better or worse. If your heart is in the right place, and you are committed to loving that person even during those times when you may not particularly like them, then love endures all things--love never fails. We've forgotten how to love!

Anyway, a good attitude has made all the difference for me in the weeks since those glorious days basking in God's love. I have had to make an effort to keep from isolating myself, one of my major M.O.'s. As I have gotten older I have made a habit of isolating myself. When I have felt the most depressed I have reached out the least. Now, if there was some craziness in me, it would be that action: what I need most is people in my life, what I have thought I wanted the least was people in my life. Makes NO sense. I have been trying to reach out to friends from my past and spend more time with a lot of different people in different situations.

Have I failed at this? Yup. Even over the last week I have spent more time in bed and away from people. I've been rather exhausted over the past several weeks, and so have been convinced it's all about that. But now that I write this and really think about what I've been doing, I know that I have started to fall back into that isolation pattern that fosters depression.

Well, just sitting down to write this has in a way made me step back out into life and not just burrow in and sleep it away. I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I feel like that's pretty much what I've done up until now, at least for the last decade. I've been slinking away from life, too scared, too depressed, too sick, too self-absorbed...whatever.

So, where does that leave me? I'm committed to try and maybe fail instead of stay safe and cower. I know that God has plans for me, and they don't include me sitting here doing nothing! I need to grow in Him, and that takes work, just as the marriage relationship--that covenant relationship that I would love to share with the man of my dreams. I want this, and I am willing to work at it, willing to keep fighting for it, wanting to make my relationship with Him flourish and to bear fruit in my Christian life.

The missionary David Livingstone said, "I am willing to go anywhere provided it is forward." Well said, and I think a good plan to follow, wherever it may lead!

My Heart is Breaking

My day has been filled with pain.

Physical-

Emotional-

Spiritual-

I want to disappear, I want it all to be over with. Jesus, please come soon.

But I'm not ready!

I know I'm not doing what I should be doing. I need to be working for God, I need to be reaching people for Him! I am failing Him, I am useless.

But I want it to be over with. I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of all of the things I am dealing with. I am tired of what the stress does to my body and to my mind.

I think I am crazy. And I mean seriously crazy. I think I should be in the psych ward. I am so depressed, and then my mind races, and then I cry and cry and cry, and then I go fifty miles an hour. I can't take it. I seriously think I may be bipolar--duh, do you think? At least I'm not schizophrenic, I'm sure about that one.

I hate myself right now. Every negative thing I have ever heard keeps running through my mind and I can't disagree. I feel weak, cowardly, useless, empty, exhausted, afraid, insane, I hate myself with a loathing that is undeniable.

Am I too selfish, self-absorbed, too pathetic to deal with the fibro and life at the same time? The pain is so great and has about eaten me alive the last few days, but the depression, despair, anxiety, panic attacks have controlled me.

I am lost and spinning out of control.

I need help. I need help but then I am afraid that I really am crazy, but then if I don't get help and I am crazy I will stay here. I don't want to be this way.

I'm scaring myself now. My mind is rushing around, and I'm in pain, but I don't want to stop talking because I feel like I have to get it out, have to purge my soul from all of the poison that is inside me. Am I just being too weak and pathetic?

It's not like I'm dying of cancer, or just lost my baby, or have lost everything. I know that. I'm just in pain that no one can explain, I'm depressed, exhausted, sick, without a job, without help and facing debt that's overwhelming. I'm a burden on everyone, and I don't have the strength to do much about it. I'm useless.

My mind won't let it go. I am stuck in the churning place, where my mind and heart swish as if going down a drain.

I'm afraid.

I need to reach out to God, He has the answers, but why is that so hard? I'm failing, indeed, failing, pulling away, falling down into a hole and I don't feel like there's a way out.

I'm supposed to stop and get in the 'now'. But now is so scary, I can't seem to slow down and then when I do all I can do is sob.

I'm tired of this craziness. If I was crazier I'd end it now.

But the fear of waking up in hell keeps me from it. I don't know if that's what would happen, but to spend eternity without my Savior is more unbearable. I can't find that in the Bible, but then I'm afraid to find out for sure because then I would have no reason to keep me from it.

I want out.

I need to trust Him, I need to reach down into my soul that faith that He has given me. He does not make mistakes. I'm here for a reason. Right now I feel like the world would be better off without me in it, but I won't do it.

I can see it in my mind. I can feel the sensation of doing it. It torments me but I won't give into it. My God is greater than any problem I have.

My God is greater than my pain.

I will praise Him in this storm. He sustains me. I am falling into His arms right now. I have to go, I will go rest.

Jesus take the wheel...save me from this road I'm on. I'm letting go.

How can a woman really be a molester?

I was watching a show the other day where they were talking about the abduction, rape and murder of the 8 year-old girl, Sandra Cantu. What an incredible sorrow. Many are asking, could the woman accused, Melissa Huckaby, really have done it? Women molesters are so rare, it's just improbable.

Well, it does happen. It happened to me. I haven't thought a lot about it over the years, and when I have, I haven't tried to recall details. The other molestations that I experienced were by peripheral family members, and they affected me much more profoundly because of that breech of trust. But I will never forget it.

The most vivid image in my mind of this molestation experience is looking out the window of the camping trailer and seeing my family's campsite. We had a campsite near a lake that we would visit quite frequently every summer when I was a kid. Our trailer sat between two other campsites. Our neighbors to one side had two teen girls who were often accompanied by their male cousin. I don't know exactly how old I was, maybe around 4-6 years, when it happened, and thankfully it only happened once. But I can still call up the emptiness that I felt as I stared out that window.

I have no idea what might make somebody think about hurting a child, especially sexually. I have gone over many times in my head if there is any possible way that I acted inappropriately, if there was any way I could have done anything to stop these acts--of course, my rational mind knows that a child as young as I was could not have done anything to invite these things to happen. I know that, but it still comes into my mind when I start thinking about it.

I am so thankful that God protected me from some very terrible possibilities. I know that He has a plan and purpose for everything. Why did I go through so many things at such a young age? I don't know. All I can do is try to help other people by sharing my experiences, my feelings, my ways of coping, how I've dealt with things, or not dealt with them.

All things work together for good.

I hope that they find whoever did this horrible thing to little Sandra, if it was Melissa Huckaby or not. I hope they prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. I also hope that this society would take more care and pay more attention to what is going on with other people--and more importantly, pay more attention to what is going on with their children!

I think that this is one of the greatest issues that America faces, the loss of our youth. It's been getting worse as time passes. I'm part of Generation X, I know how our generation took a bigger step away from authority, away from God. I also think our families were quite occupied with work and having "better lives" than their parents did. Now, as I watch it seems that people are becoming incredibly egocentric and are not concerned about the real welfare of others, not concerned for the hearts, minds, and souls of people around them.

I am as guilty as everyone else. I sit in my house, whether in pain, depressed, or just plain lazy, and watch the world go by through my glass bubble. I need to get out there, I need to get dirty, I need to hold people while they cry, smack their backs while they laugh, help them become better people, help them know the love of God. I want that, but apparently not bad enough to try harder. I want to be better, I want to help people be better, but I need to make it happen. It won't happen by itself.

I've had a tough week this week, both physically and mentally. I've been in a lot of pain, and have been depressed. When these days are so overwhelming like they've been, I feel like I'm deflated, like there's nothing left of me, like I can't move one more inch. My brain knows I need to make the effort, but my brain also won't take that step. I want to, I want to overcome it, I want to beat this pain and sorrow down, I want to kick butt, not get butt kicked, but here I am. I want to rage, and yet, when I need to the most, I fall over weeping.

Ironically Monday I had an awesome counseling session and felt really good, felt like I was making incredible changes and that I had made it over a hurdle. Tuesday I woke up rather melancholy thinking about how many ways I'm failing, how I need to do better, be better, and ended up spiralling into a huge bout of pain and depression. My mom had pointed out to me that she thinks there's a pattern, that when I'm getting ready to have a huge fibromyalgia flare up that this happens. I think she may be right, and yet, I am blaming myself for not doing enough.

As I've said before, I need to pray more. I need to pray without ceasing, I need to focus on God. I know these things...

If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.

I don't know what to think. I think I'm tired of thinking. I know I over-think things. I know that I need to do and not think, but on the days I can't do, then I think. I feel like I'm a rat on the wheel, I keep going in circles and never really get ahead.

I don't know how I ended up here considering where this post began.

So, anyway, yes, women can molest. Not just some freaky woman down the street either, but can literally be the girls right next door. Take my word for it.

Jan

Love, Actually

It's been way too long since I've written. I've been wanting to, but I seem to put it off until late at night and then I'm too tired. I need to write, though, I have much to say.

I've been working on all sorts of things, trying to change my days and ways to make my body and mind work better. It's been good to try different things. I don't know how much is really going to help, but I'm just glad to be trying something different. Don't forget, Franklin said insanity is wanting things to change, but doing the same thing. Well, I may be crazy, but at least I'm not insane...anymore. :)

So, now, onto the title subject: love. It's been on my mind for many reasons and in many ways. Of course, the old standard is love between a man and a woman, and, since I'm a woman, I'm looking for that man to love.... I've been obsessed with it--hence my failed marriage and string of unhealthy relationships. I've been incredibly depressed about it. I've wished for it, hoped for it, and am at a point in my life where I'm looking forward to it, but not not crying or trying because I don't have it.

Now, to say I don't have my eye on someone would be a lie, of course there's a guy I think's really cute and nice, but I'm not obsessing, not stalking, not crying, I'm just here. And he's just there. And that's OK. Yes, I'm getting older, yes I'm alone, but it's not the end of the world, it's not something I'm ashamed of, no I'm not skipping through the fields tossing daisies excited I'm alone, or pretending to be and sobbing behind closed doors, but I'm at a place right now where I'm OK with it. I know that God has a plan, and maybe there's a husband in it, and maybe there's not, but in the meantime I can think somebody's cute and move on.

The love that's really on my mind is the love I have for and from my friends. I have some very special people in my life, and they bless me in so many ways. My heart is warm right now because of something nice my best friend Pablo wrote to me earlier. He said something to me last week that really took my breath away, too. I'm blessed, indeed, with his being in my life. Do we sometimes want to throttle each other? Of course. But we have a covenant relationship.

A covenant relationship is basically the relationship we have with another person that is so strong and binding that virtually nothing will destroy it. It is that relationship that is stated in traditional wedding vows--you know, those words that are said in weddings that people are actually supposed to believe and follow with regards to the other person standing at the altar?

For better or worse,
For richer or poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
As long as we both shall live.

I know when I said it I didn't really mean it about my ex-husband. I meant that I wanted to if he ended up being the person I wanted him to turn into. I would love to be able to say that I meant it about the person that actually stood before me at that time, but I can honestly say that I didn't. And, I didn't take the time to even examine the relationship or the reality of the situation to see that I didn't mean those words. For me, I meant that I would be that wife if he would be the husband I wanted him to be. I knew deep down he couldn't be that man because he wasn't that man. I also knew deep down that I should not marry him. I also knew deep down that I was only marrying him because I wanted to be married, and I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone else that wanted to marry me.

Ouch.

I've thought about the whole situation in depth, and I know that I made the wrong decision in marrying him, I can even pinpoint the exact date and time I knew that I was making a mistake. But I was hellbent on being married because I was afraid that if I didn't do it right then and there, in some big freaking hurry, that I might never get married--I might be alone forever. And that has always been my biggest fear, being alone forever. I forgot to factor in reality to all of that:

• All you need is love--you better make sure that it's REAL love, not infatuation or desperation.
• REAL love worth that kind of commitment tries everything to grow and be better.
• It's better to be alone than to be married to someone you're not supposed to be.
• God really does know what He's doing. Trying to do His job for Him only brings pain.

Will I ever get married again? I have no idea, but if I don't, then so be it. I have myriad people in my life that will ensure that I will never be alone.

Pablo has told me that: he will make sure that I am never alone. I have my mom, my brother and sister-in-law, my extended family, many other friends. Truly, it's that kind of love, that warm-hearted love, that makes every day special. Do I hope that God sends me a husband? Yes, without a doubt. Will I try to force His hand? Not on your life, been there, done that--not gonna' do it, wouldn't be prudent. Will I survive either way? You betcha.

God has blessed me with more love than some people ever have, and more than I could ever deserve, and I'm definitely thankful and humbled by it. I of course know that it's His love that really makes my life complete.

:) Jan

A Farewell to Friendship?

My friend Marie is addicted to pain pills. She's been addicted to them for over 11 years now. I think she's finally hit rock bottom. Well, I think there's further she could go, but I'm hoping this is as far as she has to get in order to make a change.

I am guilty of having known about her addiction for the last couple of years. I have thought about calling her mother, or calling her doctors, but never thought it was my place to do so, never wanted to 'make it worse' on her. I always thought I could help her overcome it somehow. I regret that incredibly.

It all started after the birth of her second child. There were a lot of complications from the epidural, and she ended up having a lot of very strange pain and intense migraines. The doctors were not careful with dispensing the pills, and she ended up hooked. She has worked the system visiting different doctors, ERs and clinics. She has gotten them from other people who wanted to help, by giving her things that they had been prescribed that didn't work for them, so that maybe she would find some relief from her headaches.

Well, in January things finally came to a head when her teenage son went to live with his father; she began to spin out of control so much that she had visited several doctors, emergency rooms, and clinics in order to get several types of pain medications and cough syrups. I think she said she got 60 pills in 3 days or something. I know it was a crazy number! Thankfully, the pharmacy flagged it and notified all the doctors as to what was going on. As a result, she can (probably) no longer get narcotics medications in this area, and her PCP dropped her as a patient.

Let me say here that I completely disagree with what her PCP did. I understand that Marie broke her confidence with her PCP, of that there is no doubt, and no forgiveness. However, now Marie will have to get a new PCP who may not actually realize or find out that she has the addiction, and will right off the bat be in a strained relationship. I wish that the PCP had kept her on as a patient so that she would be the responsible and aware physician that Marie needs. Addiction to pain medication is a HUGE problem, especially in the area in which we live, and it needs to be dealt with differently by the medical establishment. I wish doctors would pay more attention to what they're prescribing, how much and how often, and would then, when a problem is spotted, take the initiative to help that person if they still desire it, and to not leave them high and dry. How many people like Marie have then turned to buying those pain pills illegally, or a rougher drug because they are desperate?

I worry about her SO much, and that is part of the reason it's taken me this long to finally say 'enough' and let her know I cannot help her anymore.

Well, anyway, after what happened with the pharmacies and doctors in January, Marie started to really abuse one of the medications she is still on. It's actually one I used to take for my nerve ending problems associated with Fibromyalgia: Neurontin. Somehow she talked another doctor into prescribing her 8 per day, or 240 per month!!! It's outrageous that she ever got that many. Anyway, she was having a hard time controlling it, taking even more than 8 per day, sometimes up to 30 in 24 hours! When she finally told me what she had been doing, I offered to help her by dividing up the pills into 4 equal parts and having her pick them up once per week in order to make them last as they should.

We got through the first month--last month--rather shakily. She had to come and get pills early because she would have taken too many, but she somehow made it through. I really felt sorry for her, as I know what addiction is like, and didn't judge her for it. This month was not so good, but she was just into week two. It never bothered me to do it, I was hoping it would work for her because she actually does need that medication for a nerve condition she has. What's the big deal of counting out some pills, putting them into different containers, and holding them until she comes to get them? I didn't mind, and they didn't bother me. I could live in a pharmacy and not care. Pills don't do it for me. My plan is to get off of the ones I am on now. So, to dole them out to her didn't put me out at all.

Well, this weekend was pretty insane. She had been given Trazodone by an idiot psychiatrist which made her really dizzy, tired, and sick, and of course, she was drinking alcohol which it says to absolutely NOT do. Unfortunately, Marie uses alcohol for another addiction outlet. Her drinking is out of control now, too.

So, she said that Friday evening was her last Trazodone, and Saturday she was pretty sick and very tired from it, and asked me to bring her the next batch of her pills for the next week so she would already have them. So, I was going sort-of in that direction so I drove out there to her house. I could tell she had not been well. She didn't look drugged like I've seen her so many times, she just looked like someone who was getting over being sick. She said she was just going to go to bed after she watched a movie.

At 6 am my phone rang and woke me up. Now, as I have told you before, it usually takes me a long time to get to sleep, and I don't sleep very well. It had taken me until 4 am to get to sleep, and I had to get up at 8 am in order to make it to church. Needless to say, being awakened by a drunk idiot leaving a message on the machine about the same dumb things she always does, but doesn't stop doing, did NOT amuse me. I am sorry to be so blunt, but really, you can only hear the same thing from someone over and over before you get sick of dealing with them!

So, I hardly got any sleep which made for a really long and rather difficult day. I have to say that I was VERY angry with her. So I was rather childish and didn't talk to her until yesterday--she called at least 10 times and left messages. I was really so mad that I didn't think I could talk to her without being mean and I didn't want to go there. I wasn't sure I was going to talk to her ever again, honestly. I finally figured out she didn't care about me, and was only using me, just as she has almost our entire friendship.

Now, I allowed it to happen, so that's my own fault undoubtedly. But, I finally decided that I'd had enough of it, I deserved better, and I couldn't help her anymore--she needs way more help than I have in me. I also know that the addicted Marie is not the sober Marie. Before the addiction she was rather selfish, but never to the point of not caring at all and doing specifically vicious things. She has gotten to that point now and honestly, I don't like her.

We talked yesterday. She ended up showing up here with food--my addiction. And it's not the first time she has tried to undermine me by giving me food. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. I gained the almost 10 pounds I'd lost on Weight Watchers back from 2 weeks of her giving me a bunch of food. At one point I said that I was thinking if I really let myself get out of control, I'd be 900 pounds and trapped in my house. She said, "Sweetie, that's OK, you can get me pain pills and I'll keep feeding you." I wish she had really been kidding.

So anyway, she asked me to give her another week's worth of pills as she had already taken that other bag in two days--at least 60 pills--and to throw the rest away. She had no refills left on those and is supposed to see a counselor of some sort next Monday. I did as she asked, the extras are gone. She said she knew it wasn't going to work, intimating that I was judging her by getting mad at her, so in essence, I had let her down.

Once, a guy told her, "I'm disappointed in you." She always thought it was SO ridiculous that he said it to her, but I have to admit, that's exactly what I've been thinking, I'm disappointed. I wish she would have been able to get a grip on her addiction, get herself under control, and not let herself get into as much trouble as she has. I wish she could really see what she's done. I wish she had some remorse. I think it's going to come, and I believe she can overcome the addiction. She doesn't give herself credit and she's been destructive for so long. I can only hope that those people on Monday can help her.

I guess all of us who are addicts think we can control it. It's a lie of the enemy. THIS time we can do it differently. THIS time we have it all under control. Just like in AA, they tell alcoholics that they are always addicts, one drop of alcohol is too much. No matter the addiction, the same truth prevails. In my case, food is REALLY tough because I HAVE to eat. There's no way out of it. I HAVE to take control and break all of the patterns that lead me to overeat. It's really hard to do because I have to be 'on' 24-7, always cognizant of what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm eating, if and why they're related. I can't let my guard down, and when I get out of control I don't have any real grasp on reality. It's scary for me, I can't imagine what it's like to have an addiction to a potentially deadly substance.

I really do hope Marie finds the help she needs. I am not gone from her life, I'm just gone from her addiction. I don't want to be brought down myself. Two drowning people cannot help each other out of the water. I think I'm finally starting to crawl up on the beach and I can't disregard my own health and well-being for anything. I hope to see her on the other side of it and be really proud of her. I'd never not talk to her, but I can't help her, I don't have the training, I don't have the resources, I don't have the strength. I love her, and I always will, and I will pray for her always. But I have to love me more.

:) Jan

Let's Talk About Sex

All right, I've been pondering this post for awhile, but wasn't sure quite how to go about it.

So, no guts, no glory...no embarrassment??? Well, here goes.

I have had issues with sex all of my life. As I mentioned, I was molested as a child. Add to that I was brought up in an ultra-strict church that made sex sound dirty. Add to that I had an emotionally distant and verbally abusive father who did not give me the kind of love and attention for which I craved. Add to that I developed rapidly, and especially with large breasts. I have almost always been overweight--except that I was quite skinny before the molestation incidents and up to starting kindergarten and all of the stress of the anxiety disorder--and have had a very low self-esteem as a result. I have played the "tease" role. I was raped by my fiance. I have given myself away to men who didn't deserve it, but I hoped if I gave them what they wanted, they would give me what I needed. The cards were stacked against me very early for any sort of healthy sexuality, and my own behavior has compounded it throughout the years. Sex has been a very scary thing for me, and a place I've never felt I could be completely vulnerable as I have never been able to trust, for obvious reasons. I'm trying to let all of that go.

The molestations: I was molested 4 times by a variety of people that I should have been able to trust. I'm not sure about the ages, but I believe the first time was at age 3 and probably the last time at age 5 or 6. Every location was different, every situation different, every requirement different, and not all of those involved were men. I often wonder if any of them remember doing it. I do, I sure do. I vividly remember every detail. And I've been working very hard to forgive them so that I can move on and not let it ruin my life anymore.

(When I looked at this post on the page I had to come back here and add that the picture on the left shows me before any of these events happened, but one happened in that chair, right where it sat, beside the kitchen door leading into the living room. I live in the same house today, and though it doesn't look quite the same, I see that spot, and think about it every day. I plan to come back to this topic soon.)

I'm thankful that they were not chronic abuses, but separate incidents. I can't imagine what it would have been like if the person(s) continued to violate me. I thank God that I didn't have to suffer that abuse. All things work for good....

Anyway, I did tell my father about the first incident and he nearly killed the guy. So, it wasn't like I didn't know I couldn't tell anyone. I just learned that the retaliation from that person was unpleasant to say the least. I also felt guilty. Even at that young age I felt like I had done something wrong in that it had happened at all. But, I only later told my mom that any of the others happened, and told her about one of them just within the last couple of years. I guess it's common for survivors of molestation to internalize everything. That has caused me a lot of heartache indeed.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I started to gain weight when I went to school. Not only was I battling nervous vomiting everyday that put me in a love-hate relationship with food and caused me to sneak food in the middle of the night, but it was also around the time I was starting to develop. I remember my father sitting down with my mother and me to say I needed to wear a training bra. That was pretty early on, and I am fairly sure around age 7. I was laughing the other day with a friend with whom I was in the second grade. That year we played BJ and the Bear, from the TV show, at recess out on the playground. Jeff played "BJ" and Brian played "Bear" (my best friend, Mandy, was Bear's sister, even though he didn't have one and that would have made her a monkey, but she had a crush on Brian--how cute is that?). I started out as just one of the many women BJ had around. But, at one point Jeff/BJ said I was to be "Stacks". The girl who had been playing Stacks complained as she had blond hair. Jeff said, "Well, she has the stacks." It was settled.

I think I was learning from all of these events that the only real attention I got from a man was of a sexual nature. All but one molestation occurred exclusively with men. Even at school, boys would pay attention to my developing body. I had such a low self-esteem from the interaction with my father, as well as from being overweight. I, too, think that the weight was a way to make myself undesirable. If I could insulate myself from men by being the fat girl, then maybe they wouldn't hurt me.

That turned when puberty started. I slimmed down some and liked that men would pay attention to me. I can look back on it and think it's because I felt love-starved from my father. But, when I added in the guilt feelings from the church teachings, I was somewhat scared at how I was feeling. I knew that according to the Bible it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, there was never any doubt in my mind about that. But, some of the people who would do our summer camps were college students, and overcome with zeal to make sure we didn't do anything we shouldn't. I remember this one conversation between 2 college counselors that were speaking. They were talking about saving yourself for marriage and you know how people banter back and forth? Well, this girl finally said, "You shouldn't even kiss before you're married. If you do, you're not a virgin anymore." I was devastated listening to that conversation, I was ruined for sure and felt like I was to blame.

Even though I had a fear of sex, and a fear of making God angry, I wanted to feel wanted. I started playing a teasing game with men. I wanted to get their attention, but only to a point. I remember another summer at that same camp when I met Brian G. I was 12, and he was 18, and of course I didn't tell him how old I was. He had come to camp for the Thursday night camp fire, and somehow we hooked up. We sat together at the fire, and I leaned into him, and we held hands and he started caressing me, etc. Thankfully a counselor finally found us and broke it up, I don't know how far it would have gone. I didn't see him after that night, and frankly don't remember ever talking to him again, but think I might have...?

Later that summer, my mother woke me up really early one morning. "Who's Brian G.?"

"I have no idea, what time is it?"

"Who is Brian G.?"

"I don't know."

"You better figure it out because your father nearly beat him up last night at work."

"Oh, s^&*!"

Well...come to find out this guy had ended up working for my father at the power plant as a college student. Apparently they were all sitting around at dinner and he was telling them about this cute chick he met earlier that summer and even rattled off the telephone number--my telephone number--my dad's telephone number. I don't know exactly what happened, but suffice it to say Brian G. knew I was 12 and he was lucky to be alive. Thank God indeed I was born before the Internet or who knows, he might have Google Earth-ed me and showed up at my house! Oh, I was definitely put in the right place and time!

I never felt beautiful, never thought I was pretty, and my father or brother never helped me in that area, not that I think many male family members really fawn over their female family members and let them know they're beautiful. But, their comments tended to be about how I was ugly and overweight. Anytime that a boy or man would make me feel the least bit pretty or desirable I was automatically obsessed with him and wanted to have him pay attention to me. It's a very dangerous thing when a girl looks for validation from a guy, because if the guy is of questionable character he will get what he can from her, and then discard her. That has happened to me more times than I can count. I'm working on being completely in love with myself so that I don't have to have someone else do it for me.

My parents should have kept closer reins on me, though, and I wish they had seen signs of my trouble with sexuality. Perhaps if you see your child do any of the following, you might check into the possibility of molestation:

- Changing clothes: When I was little I would change my clothes every couple of hours. My mother would catch me doing it, but I never had a good reason, I just wanted to have new clothes on.

- Obsession with clean underwear: To this day I don't go on a trip without 3 times the amount I need, and -- TMI -- find myself changing underwear several times a day. It's almost compulsive at this point.

- Caught with other children doing inappropriate things: I remember doing some things with several different children, and I wonder now if they were molested, too. We would do things like close doors and look at each other naked, play 'doctor', role play as different characters on TV. Our knowledge was way beyond a normal amount, and beyond normal curiosity. I know I acted out some of the things that were done to me.

- Provocative dressing: Especially when I was in grade school, I wanted to wear off-the-shoulder shirts, short skirts, sexy underwear and high heels. I also started wearing eyeshadow, which my mother bought me for Christmas, at age 9! My mom and I have talked about that since then, and she said she thought I was going through a phase. Especially when you consider how even more sexual our culture has become, you must be very careful in how your children, especially girls, are 'sexed up'. It's not just the latest fashion, it's dangerous!!!

- Preoccupation with how sex works: I remember I would ask my mother an inordinate amount of questions about sex and the human body, and would even draw different pictures. In grade school I would steal condoms from my parents and take them as a 'show and tell' of sorts at slumber parties.

- Books and TV (and Internet): I read the V.C. Andrews books like Petals on the Wind and romance books. Watch what your kids check out from the library, and watch what you have on the TV. My dad loved "Solid Gold" and those dancers were nearly naked. He also had sex 'letter' magazines hidden in his underwear drawer which I read periodically. AND, please watch what your kids are doing on the Internet, what they're watching on YouTube. Never let your child have his/her computer in his/her bedroom, make sure it's in a public location in the house and that (s)he is always monitored. I have seen too many boys and girls in the library doing things and talking about things they've done that I've never even thought of as an adult.

If you have any questions, please let me know. You can email me outside of this blog at vpljan@hotmail.com .

I want to help other people identify signs so that if something has happened they can make sure it stops, and make sure the child gets the proper counseling. Now that it's been 32 years living like this, it's hard to change the way I am as a result of the molestations and all that happened after. I wish that it would never happen to another child again, but if it does, I pray that I can help them and you get through it. Don't ignore or deny anything. Which is worse, checking out something to make sure it hasn't happened, or living with the knowledge that you could have done something and didn't?

I think I will stop here instead of going on with the other things that have happened to me sexually and have gotten me where I am. It is important to really understand what molestation can do to a child, and how it builds and shapes who they become in so many ways. Don't smother your kids, but always keep an open dialogue with them so that they feel comfortable telling you everything. Run through their days with them, ask them who they were with, what they did, start as early as possible getting them to chatter on. Also, in talking to my counselor, she said that young kids have a hard time telling you what happened, but they can act out the entire thing, down to what was said, with puppets. Try it. Anything it takes to make sure your kids tell you what's going on is worth it.

I'm SO thankful that God protected me in so many situations. I'm sure some could say, "How can you believe in a 'loving' God if He would let something like this happen?" Well, God doesn't make things happen, He allows things to happen, and He has a plan. I want to help people, and maybe the way I can really help is by helping children and families who are victims of molestation, I don't know. I do know, however, that if I hadn't gone through it, I wouldn't have the perspective that I do.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Maybe advocacy is my purpose, His purpose. I don't know the plan, but I'm willing and He's able.

God bless. :) Jan

Believing for Favor

Well, I wrote last time about things God tells me through media. I just got an amazing reminder of how I need to believe I have the favor of God--we all do!

I was just watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about this year and believing that God will provide for us, and He will do so supernaturally. He is supernatural, you know? I always need a reminder, and I don't know why....

But Joel told several stories about people who received blessings--supernatural ones--that didn't make any sense in the "real" world. He told a simple one of a little girl who kept asking her mom for a kitten. Finally the mom said, the only way you're getting a kitten is if God sends you one. So the little girl knelt down and prayed in the back yard, "Dear God, please send me a kitten." Of course...one fell from the sky. The mom was shocked, the little girl joyous (she never had an issue with unbelief). The mom later found out that a neighbor many houses down was trying to get the kitten out of a tree, hooked his truck to the tree, had it bent over and then the rope broke. They thought the kitten was dead, but low, and behold...! Sounds crazy, right?

Well, I've had a few small simple instances like that, and I needed a reminder of it in order to reaffirm my belief that God is working supernaturally for me. One I can remember was last year: I had to go to the license bureau to get my license plates renewed (well, my $70 sticker to put on my license plate...). My mom was freaking out that we wouldn't have enough time, I can't remember what the issue was with that, but she was lamenting that it would take us forever because there would be a long line. Isn't there always a long line at the license bureau? Anyway, I had had the most amazing spiritual week of my life, and I knew that I was in the favor of God. "Don't worry Mom, I have the favor of God, I'll walk right in and get it." And that's just what I did. There was no one waiting so I literally walked in and got it and walked out within 4 minutes. She was shocked, and I was even more ecstatic as God's amazing work in my life had just revealed itself yet again.

Why do I forget that stuff?

I realize that having Pablo in my life is a God-thing, there's no doubt about that!!! He's a blessing most of the time....

Anyway, I met Pablo online and we became friends. No great mystery to that one, we all have online pals. However, God had a PLAN, still does, not sure all He's got for us, but, let me tell you, I never could have predicted this Latino landing in my back yard!

I found out Pablo wasn't going to go home for Christmas and would be alone for the holiday. Well, that is just not acceptable and I couldn't stand the idea of his being alone for Christmas. So, even though we'd only been talking online and hadn't met in person I asked him to come up here for Christmas. I couldn't believe I actually asked him, and I couldn't believe he actually accepted. But, little did I know that it would change our lives forever.

Now, if you've never seen or met Pablo let me tell you, he's not too bad on the eyes. Har har, understatement.... And, to say I didn't have any designs on him wouldn't be truthful either. He's hot, what am I stupid? Hellooooooooooooo!?! But anyway, he came up here as a friend to spend the holidays with me and with my family.

I've shared a little bit about the occult stuff that I was into--and I was doing it before Pablo got here, but I did not tell him what I was doing. I hardly told anybody what I was doing except those with whom I was doing it. My mom didn't have any clue what I was really up to. What I had told Pablo was that I was a Christian who was going to church, singing in the choir, teaching Sunday School and AWANA--who couldn't see at the time how lost I was. So, he came up here expecting to find a different woman than who I really was.

I used to be ashamed about it, about how deeply into the occult stuff I was and about how I had slowly gotten there and was in complete denial about it. But, I realized I have to get over that if I am ever going to be able to help anybody out of that same situation. Plus, God has forgiven me for everything I've done, so nobody else has a right to hold it against me.

So, anyway, while Pablo was here I played the role I had been playing for everyone else and tried to pretend with him as well. While he was here we prayed several times, and sometimes he would say, "You know, I don't know why I keep getting this, but I feel like God is saying to you, 'Enough'." Plus, he kept bringing up people that practice in the occult and how lost they are. Well, I kept feeling more and more uneasy, felt really weird every time he would want to pray or read the Bible.

One night we were on my couch and he was praying and then started to just pray by himself. I sat there for awhile and kept thinking, "I can't take this, I feel so weird." I finally got up and went to my room and shut the door. After awhile Pablo knocked on my door to make sure I was all right and then let me know he was going to bed. I told him I was okay, and good night, and so he went to bed.

I was actually going in circles, walking around my room and basically freaking out. And when I say freaking out, it's the closest to losing my mind I've ever come. My mind was racing a zillion miles an hour, and yet I couldn't hold a thought in my head. I know I was thinking, "Oh crap, oh crap," or some sort of variation. I would call to mind what he said about the occult and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that that is exactly what I had been doing.

Well, I don't know how long I paced and pulled my hair and cried before I started going around my room collecting things I had used in my occult practices and throwing them into the trash can. I pulled open drawers, pulled books off of shelves, pulled out decks of cards, stones, crystals, I can't even remember what all, but there was plenty. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but I knew I had to get it out. Pablo suddenly opened the door and said, "What's going on?"

I about peed my pants, he scared me so badly. I answered him, "Nothing."

"I know there's something going on in here because demons just woke me up, and there were many. What it going on in here?"

I remember all of that as plain as day, but the next events are a bit of a blur. I have no idea what I said to him, if I showed him anything, I don't know. I do remember finally ending up out in my hallway with him standing in his doorway, and me banging my head against my own door jamb. I know he told me if he could leave, he would, he couldn't believe I had lied to him the whole time--and that's the worst thing you can do to Pablo, it's a deal-breaker, indeed.

I remember he told me that obviously God had him here for a reason, and so he would stay to help me as he felt God had wanted. He also told me that I was going to destroy everything the next day, and renounce to everything and ask for forgiveness. He told me to go to bed and he would tell me how we would proceed in the morning. Somehow I went to sleep, but I don't think Pablo did. I'm pretty sure he prayed most of the night, at least, for guidance and strength.

That next day I did destroy everything, renounce any rights I had given to the devil by doing any of it, and asked for God's forgiveness. Let me tell you that the burning of the Ouija board alone was very scary, the colors and spitting of that fire was something else! God had so much grace for me in delivering me from that evil, and I surely didn't deserve His forgiveness. I had basically been a witch working for the devil and why He chose to spare me I have no idea. The only thing I know for sure that I am eternally grateful to Him for saving me from it. And, if you want to have an idea of how I feel about Pablo for helping me through such an incredibly difficult time, read the lyrics to the song "For Good" that're at the bottom of my blog. I have been changed for good by knowing him, for many reasons, even beyond what I've touched on here.

I would love to say that the minute I rebuked everything and asked for forgiveness everything turned glorious. Boy do I wishhhhhhhhh!!! It has been a battle coming back from the dead state that my mind was in. Truly, I felt like my brain was wrapped in gauze or something. I could barely think or speak half of the time. Pablo would ask me a question and I would just stare at him. I didn't realize that I still had many demons to overcome, a lot of mind-numbing to overcome, and it took me several years to feel like that was no longer an issue. It's a strange feeling, having your mind not accessible to you. Even though I lament about how I don't have much of a brain left due to fibromyalgia's "brain fog" or whatever, I know what it feels like to truly be "brain-dead" and praise God that I'm not there anymore. And I do wonder if I didn't lose some of my mind to that, I can't be certain. I know, though, that my mind isn't the playground of the devil's occult lies anymore.

I wish I could go back in time and change the very first thing I ever did, the very first book I ever read, the very first movie or TV show I watched with occult themes. That's how it starts, as I've said before. Like the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns says:

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands

Is shorter than you're thinking

Be careful if you think you stand

You just might be sinking

It's a slow progression into something so dark and deep. Be careful what you do, watch, read, and who you spend your time with. More importantly, if you're parents, be careful who and what your children spend their time with. Let me tell you, it doesn't take long to get in over your head, and if there's no one there to save you, you may be lost.

I am so lucky. Well, it's not lucky, it's blessed with grace undeserved. I know I have the favor of God, He's already given me His favor and I don't deserve more. I'm so thankful for everything the Lord has given me, and I am oh so thankful that He sent a man from Central America all the way to Ohio in order to ensure that I would be with Him in eternity. How cool is that!?!

But you know the really cool thing? Even though I don't deserve one more tiny little thing He stills gives me His favor, and to you--don't forget He loves you just as much as He loves me, and even if you don't deserve it--'cause who does?--you have the grace of the Creator of the world, the favor of Jehovah-jireh, the Lord Our Provider. What else do you need?