Tired and Sad

Well, I am happy to say that I am finished with all of my Disability paperwork to date. It has been a long and arduous project. It started in January when I was on those heinous Tramadol pills. I ended up messing up that set of paperwork so much I had to just type them out. It's been crazy.

Last night I almost had a melt-down when the computer came up with a message that the file had become corrupted or was lost.

!@#$%^&*

Then I couldn't make Word work at all.

!@#$%^&*

Had I not been talking to my best friend Pablo I am sure I would have completely lost it and had a drama fit. After all of that work and I thought I had lost it all! It took forever to get the computer to shut down, and then forever to reboot, and then a short forever to get the file to come back up. Pablo held my hand virtually until it came back. I love that boy.

So today I went to print the thing off to mail and...ran out of ink.

!@#$%^&*

So, I had to go out to the office supply store and get some so I could finally put that thing in the mail. I am SO glad it's not here anymore, I've had enough of it, all the way around.

:) :) :) :) :)

But, I have to say that dwelling on everything in those reports has taken a toll on me. It took quite a physical toll, especially this last week as I have worked like crazy to get them finished and back to the SSD office. All of the typing and sitting for hours at a time really wreaked havoc throughout my body. This will be a short post, I think, as my hands and back already hurt so much.

But the other thing about filling out those reports--Work History, Function, and Symptoms--they really hit home the reality of how badly my body functions now. And that has put me into rather a sadness and I think a type of mourning for my losses.

As I filled out the work history, I went through all of my jobs for the last 15 years. The very first one on the list was as a Student Manager of my university dining hall. I loved that job, and I was really good at it. I could buzz around that dining hall from one end to the other and not miss a beat. I smelled like a French fry all the time, but I loved it. That was a really hard job and I did it well. And it grieves me to think I cannot perform even a fraction of that job today.

The function report saddened me as well, making me feel like I'm worthless. The wording of the questions was rather harsh, asking, so-what-DO-you-do-all-day kinds of questions. And it really hurt my heart to think of what I cannot do, and what my mother, who is twice my age, has to do for me most of the time. A simple task like laundry is virtually impossible at this time.

And I can't believe that I will be like this forever, I just can't.

I want to be a better me, and I am so frustrated at what I can't do anymore, and I haven't figured out how to cope with being the me that I am at this point. Everything I can think to do I can't seem to make happen. I don't know how else to be. I need to help myself, indeed, but the things I know I can do don't seem to be enough to get anywhere.

I SO don't want to wallow like I was doing last month. Oh, I don't! But my frustration is so great that I just feel like if I don't get it off of my chest I will sink even deeper into depression.

I don't want to stress out Pablo either, and don't want him to feel burdened by me or my struggles. He gets so sad when I tell him what's going on, and I know he wants to know, and cares what's going on, but I know there are so many things in his life that he has to deal with, and I hate the thought that I would be a source of pain in his life. He is always trying to think of ways to help me. I wish I could help him.

And my mom, God bless my mom, I don't know what I'd do without her. She takes care of me and so many things that I can't. It's so not fair that she has me to deal with. And I feel guilty, too, because I'm afraid that I won't get better, that I will never find a mate to spend the rest of my life with...I feel so selfish for wanting a husband when she has no one. I don't want to feel this way. I wish she would at least find somebody to love her like she deserves.

My father in no way treated her like she needed or should have been treated. He only hit her once in front of me, sending her sailing across the camping trailer with a thud. I will NEVER forget that as long as I live. I can still hear the sound her body made hitting against the cupboard, can still see her in my mind's eye sitting on the floor like a rag doll. Oh, God, I beg you, please send her the man of her dreams, she's waited a lifetime for him!!!

Anyway, all of this together combined with the report I just finished on symptoms...I surely feel sad at the loss of my former self. But you know, in the back of my mind I know there's hope. I know that there are things I am preparing for, or more accurately, that God is preparing me for. I have always defined myself by what I've done, or answered to where I worked as to what I was up to. I don't know how to answer right now. Nothing's making much sense, and I'm trying not to panic.

This, too, shall pass, I know that. I'm surrounded by amazing people in my life who remind me daily how lucky I am. I just want to be a blessing. I'm hoping that I can find something to bless others with that I can do without a hitch. I haven't blogged at all like I planned. Life has gotten in the way a few times and tripped me up. I guess I expect perfect, and then when I screw up, I give up. But I don't want to give up this blog, and maybe I just set too high of expectations. I intended to write daily. I find I'm too tired most days to do it. But, like I did tonight, I need to push myself and do it anyway, but then make sure I don't push myself too far. It's difficult to come back from too far. I've already spent a whole hour more than I intended...time seems to fly by so quickly.

Anyway, I'm glad that is over with, and I know that this melancholy will subside. I hope in the meantime I can come up with something that will help me cope better and take some of the pressure off of me and those I love.

:) Jan

If You Need to Cry, Then Cry

I needed to cry, and now I'm done. I don't know if I'm really that done, I just think I'm tired of doing it. And my eyes are puffy.

Today--well yesterday by now--has been a real roller coaster of emotions. Scared--Worried--Joyful--Excited--I've been through a whole bunch of them, and mostly with my friend Jen.

I talked about Jen in another post, but that was only a tiny glimmer into one of the longest friendships I've had. We've known each other since kindergarten, went to the same grade school & high school, stayed friends through 20s and now 30s, and we're really more like sisters, or even better, really. I don't know that there's anything about me she doesn't know, and she tells me the same. Have you ever seen those little signs: You Will Always Be My Friend, You Know Too Much. Well, that's us. Actually, I have a couple of friends who need that sign....

But truly, we've been into some wild things. We both got divorced about the same time. We hadn't talked for quite some time, but one night I called her out of the blue--something quite uncharacteristic for me as I am bad about calling people--she was busy so I said, "I just wanted you to know I got divorced." And she said, "Me, too!" I think we went out partying that very weekend and many thereafter. I plead the 5th about any details....

So anyway, since New Year's we've both been going through a lot of soul-searching, realizations, and just down-and-out God-things; you know, things that happen that only God can make happen. We've had all sorts of conversations about this world and our place in it, about being better and helping others become better. We've had some very serious religion and Bible conversations, it's been truly amazing. (I'm working on her about the astrology thing.)

But the last couple of days Jen has been dealing with a relationship situation. And it got scary tonight. I don't want to go into specifics, because frankly it's no one's business and not my place to put it out there. But tonight it was scary. We cried together and prayed. The situation got resolved and she was safe. But in all of it we grew even closer together, and more importantly closer to God.

God has plans, and we don't see it. His Word says that all things work together for good for those who love God. He never promised us a rose garden. I think that's one of the problems with religion today, and believe me, I have a lot of problems with religion that gets too religious. It's not about man's rules and rituals, it's about God and His love for us. But anyway, look at a lot of the men in the Bible who followed God: John the Baptist was beheaded, Peter was crucified upside down, John was boiled in oil.... Sound like roses? God's promise is not for a perfect life on earth. His promise is that if we believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ we will be saved, and spend a perfect eternity in bliss with Him. Life with God is no guarantee of life without suffering, it's a guarantee of a heavenly afterlife.

I know I suffer. Jeesh, do I sometimes, more than I think anyone should have to. The pain gets overwhelming. But, I know there's a purpose. Perhaps on this earth I will never know, but someday I many find out that somebody else saw how I dealt with it and so found comfort. Maybe it's here simply to make me stronger. I don't know. Like I said, I don't understand His plans. But does my pain make me love God any less? No. It's not His fault there's pain in the world. Man brought that on himself. Why me? Well, why not me? Like Mother Teresa said, I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much!

But Jen and I really talked about this tonight, and about what it truly means to have God in your life. And when God-things are happening to you, how can you deny that He is working? He definitely brings people and situations into our lives to remind us of who He is and what He's capable of, and that has to be just the tip of the iceberg of what He can do. It's been so cool to watch Him work in our lives and those around us. He's watching over us. And in learning all of these things about Him, we desire more and more to share that love with other people.

Well, I need to quit for now, my headache is back. I believe I'm getting these headaches more frequently and with more severity due to the Tramadol. I used to get migraines pretty bad and often, but hadn't had any for quite some time. But since I started on this fibromyalgia medication I've had quite a few of them, and they're getting more intense. I don't think they're helping with the pain either. I've been shaking, too, but I'm not sure if that's from the med or from low blood sugar. I'm hoping the doctor's office calls me tomorrow and tells me what to do. As hard as it was to get used to the side-effects, I'm sure the withdrawal will be very pleasant as well. Ah, pharmaceuticals, how are they poisoning us? I'm going to take those on, too. But later....

:) Jan