My Heart is Breaking

My day has been filled with pain.

Physical-

Emotional-

Spiritual-

I want to disappear, I want it all to be over with. Jesus, please come soon.

But I'm not ready!

I know I'm not doing what I should be doing. I need to be working for God, I need to be reaching people for Him! I am failing Him, I am useless.

But I want it to be over with. I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of all of the things I am dealing with. I am tired of what the stress does to my body and to my mind.

I think I am crazy. And I mean seriously crazy. I think I should be in the psych ward. I am so depressed, and then my mind races, and then I cry and cry and cry, and then I go fifty miles an hour. I can't take it. I seriously think I may be bipolar--duh, do you think? At least I'm not schizophrenic, I'm sure about that one.

I hate myself right now. Every negative thing I have ever heard keeps running through my mind and I can't disagree. I feel weak, cowardly, useless, empty, exhausted, afraid, insane, I hate myself with a loathing that is undeniable.

Am I too selfish, self-absorbed, too pathetic to deal with the fibro and life at the same time? The pain is so great and has about eaten me alive the last few days, but the depression, despair, anxiety, panic attacks have controlled me.

I am lost and spinning out of control.

I need help. I need help but then I am afraid that I really am crazy, but then if I don't get help and I am crazy I will stay here. I don't want to be this way.

I'm scaring myself now. My mind is rushing around, and I'm in pain, but I don't want to stop talking because I feel like I have to get it out, have to purge my soul from all of the poison that is inside me. Am I just being too weak and pathetic?

It's not like I'm dying of cancer, or just lost my baby, or have lost everything. I know that. I'm just in pain that no one can explain, I'm depressed, exhausted, sick, without a job, without help and facing debt that's overwhelming. I'm a burden on everyone, and I don't have the strength to do much about it. I'm useless.

My mind won't let it go. I am stuck in the churning place, where my mind and heart swish as if going down a drain.

I'm afraid.

I need to reach out to God, He has the answers, but why is that so hard? I'm failing, indeed, failing, pulling away, falling down into a hole and I don't feel like there's a way out.

I'm supposed to stop and get in the 'now'. But now is so scary, I can't seem to slow down and then when I do all I can do is sob.

I'm tired of this craziness. If I was crazier I'd end it now.

But the fear of waking up in hell keeps me from it. I don't know if that's what would happen, but to spend eternity without my Savior is more unbearable. I can't find that in the Bible, but then I'm afraid to find out for sure because then I would have no reason to keep me from it.

I want out.

I need to trust Him, I need to reach down into my soul that faith that He has given me. He does not make mistakes. I'm here for a reason. Right now I feel like the world would be better off without me in it, but I won't do it.

I can see it in my mind. I can feel the sensation of doing it. It torments me but I won't give into it. My God is greater than any problem I have.

My God is greater than my pain.

I will praise Him in this storm. He sustains me. I am falling into His arms right now. I have to go, I will go rest.

Jesus take the wheel...save me from this road I'm on. I'm letting go.

The Obsession of Appearance

I've been watching a makeover show and have been thinking about how crazy the world is over appearances.

I have a horrible self-image and really despise myself for how I look. I have always fought feeling incredibly ugly and disgusting because of my weight. I have so many deep-seeded personal issues over how I look, and really how I feel that others see me.

I truly wish I didn't put so much stock into how others view me, whether it be in terms of how I look or my personality. I guess it comes from my childhood, and in particular how my father treated me and how he made fun of me or lashed out when he was angry. I have recently started seeing a counselor in an effort to be free of so many issues that are holding me back from just being completely myself. I know that a lot of the reactions I have towards people or situations are a result of how my father treated me. He has been gone over 6 years now, but it has truly only been in the last year that I have begun to get over how much stock I put into what he thought of me. Even dead, he controlled how I dealt with life.

Again, I owe seeing these things to my best friend, Pablo. He is the only person who ever really called me out on things and made me see the truth. I'm sure other people may have thought about it, but nobody else said anything but him. Our relationship is truly special. I know I drive him crazy, and sometimes he really hurts me, but I believe that both of us are growing and trying to help each other become better people and to have a better relationship.

Anyway, my dad always made me feel that I was never good enough, never was smart enough, never could come up with whatever it was that he was looking for. I can say that through the years I based every other relationship I've had on the principals I learned from him: be what people want you to be; try to be invisible as much as possible; entertain in order to keep others happy and avoid making them angry at or disappointed in you; wait for people to tell you what to do--you won't do it right if you try to do it on your own and your ideas aren't really worth anything anyway; anytime you get into a situation in which someone is angry, just hunker down and take the abuse until they're through and then try to fix whatever's broken. There are many more things, but these are the most common ones that rear their ugly heads and make my relationships so difficult.

So with all of these thoughts in my head, with being overweight which my father and others ridiculed me for so much and made me feel ugly, with not having many relationships in my life with men, and with down-right feeling that I look ugly in almost every way--add to these that the world is so obsessed with beauty and that I in every way am opposite of the definition of beautiful--I doubt that I will ever think anything different. It truly makes my heart hurt. I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel sexy and desirable, but I don't know how that could possibly ever happen.

I am trying to accept myself, though, and to try to make my heart beautiful. I'm hoping that it will be enough to be beautiful on the inside. I believe that it's possible, for a woman to be so beautiful on the inside that a man loves her for that. But, gosh, what hurts is that, even if that happened for me, he would still think I'm ugly. So, I guess even if it sounds selfish, I just want someone to think I'm beautiful. I'm afraid that makes me shallow.

But then, I just remembered a little boy that came up to me once at church and said, "You are so beautiful!" Oh, that made my heart soar! So, I guess, somebody has at least once thought I was beautiful, so that's good. I don't think I'll ever forget that day, and I know he meant it. I thank God He sent him to say it! Someday I hope I see that little guy again so I can thank him for his beautiful heart! But I just wish a man would say it to me and mean it, really mean it, you know?

One of the most hurtful things that people say to me--and I don't think that they even consider how it sounds--but they say, "You would be so pretty if you lost weight." Hmm, ok, well, thanks I guess. So, if I would be pretty if I lost weight, and right now I'm fat, then that means right now I'm ugly. Thank you for only deepening my self-loathing. If I didn't already think I was ugly, you surely sealed the deal. Thanks, I needed that!

I wish that this world was not driven by looks. I wish that what I look like didn't matter. I wish that how I look didn't completely shock and disgust me. I wish, I wish, I wish, but here I am. So, I am going to work on loving myself as I am, where I am, how I am, and pray that God will help me to truly see that I am beautiful in every way.

:) Jan