Looking for Joy

OK, so here I am, heading back into the pit of despair. I've been cutting myself off from people, cutting myself off from God, cutting myself off from myself. I hate it when I do that, and I know what I need to do in order not to go there. My real quandary is how to get myself to do what I need to do before I have to be jerked out of the hole by none other than Pablo.

So what is it that I need to do?

Start and spend my days with God.

Why don't I do it automatically?

Because somehow I think that if I just do a few things and then come back to God then it'll be OK: the life-long procrastinator.

Not working, must change.

The weird thing is I've been doing all sorts of word studies, etc. in the Bible, but they do me no good if I don't put them into practice. I let whatever is happening in my life, or not happening, dictate how I respond to life. Ugh, here we go with emotion again. I know that I find encouragement when I read His Word and let Him know how I'm feeling.

OK, so, let me run by you some things I've been looking up in the Bible, and hopefully that will underscore in my own mind what I need to do. According to God's Word, good things happen if we seek Him. You probably have heard this one:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not grow weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 KJV

OK, so how about these?

"And you who seek God, your hearts shall live." Psalm 69:32b NKJV

"I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently will find Me. Riches and honor are with Me, enduring riches and righteousness." Proverbs 8:17-18 NKJV

Sounds pretty good to me, though realize of course that He's not saying follow Me and roll in gold, and we shouldn't follow Him just so we're living the good life--but Jehovah-jireh is our Provider, how awesome!

"But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing." Psalm 34:10b NKJV

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:3-7a NKJV

I'm going to throw this next part in for free. If you look closely when you read the Bible you will sometimes see "the LORD" and "GOD" and other times they will not be in all caps. Ever wonder what the difference is? Well, I'm taking some Bible classes and the instructor explained that those capitalized versions are when the scriptures say Yahweh or what we hear more often, Jehovah. And the really cool thing about Yahweh is that in Hebrew it is made up of 4 letters, you know the Jews do not spell out the name of God but always type it YHWH.

Anyway, the four letters really encompass all that God is, including Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The letters literally mean hand, breath, and nail: the Hand of God: our Creator and Most Powerful of powers; the Breath of God: Our Holy Spirit; Our Nail-Pierced Saviour, Christ Jesus. And what really blows me away is that most Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah, and yet He was crucified and pierced (Psalm 22:16c "they pierced my hands and my feet."), just as the Hebrew word for God from the Torah states! So many mysteries revealed in every aspect of the Lord and His Word!

God rocks.

OK, so there are a lot more passages I could quote for you on seeking God, but I want to move on to finding rest in Him. So, if you want to look more up, here are the references:

Deuteronomy 4:29-31, Psalm 42:3-5, Psalm 51:6-8, 10, 12, Psalm 119:2-7, Proverbs 2:3-12a, 20-21, Proverbs 8:32-35, Jeremiah 29:12-14a, Matthew 5:6, Hebrews 11:6

So, then, I have been monstrously exhausted for the last several weeks. I started taking Vitamin D as I am very deficient, and have Googled the side effects and they really don't match how I feel, though anything is possible; I always seem to have weird reactions to things. The other thing that I've started is being more diligent in studying the Word and have had an increased desire to really know God. I believe the enemy does not like that too well, and he knows after all these years of watching me that when I get sick, exhausted and/or depressed I fall away from purposeful living. I hate him.

So, anyway, in trying to combat this extreme fatigue I decided to look up passages about rest. I'm sure you've heard this one:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Here are a few more:

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" Exodus 33:14 NKJV

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'" Isaiah 30:15a-b NKJV

"Thus says the LORD: 'Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls.'" Jeremiah 6:16a-b NKJV

I'm seeing a pattern here: seek God, find rest--and a whole lot of other amazing things! I know I need to start my day with Him, He is the best friend that I have, He is the one Who truly knows my sorrows and pain as He bore them on the tree, He is the one who cares for me and loves me like no other.

Father God, I need You, I want to know You more and more. Awaken in me the longing for you as David had, who panted after you as the deer pants for water! Holy Spirit, speak louder in my ear that I would listen to You and Your Words.

So, to close, let me quote you a really cool passage that tells us how God cherishes us:

"The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

How awesome is it to think that God sings over us, that He delights in us? I get so discouraged and upset with myself when I fail; it's so amazing to think that He can find joy in me. I want Him to have more joy in me. I know that in seeking His joy, I will find mine. (And yes, I already did a word study on joy; maybe next time I'll give you those passages.)

Be blessed,

:) Jan

Why is sex such an issue???

Are all singles plagued by overwhelming sexual urges? Or am I the only...one of five?

For the last week and one half especially I have been just inundated with opportunities for sex. I know that the enemy is trying to bring me down with one of my weaknesses but geesh, give me a break!

Apparently it is something that A LOT of people battle, but we never talk about because it is too taboo, especially among Christians. Sometimes I wish I was a 'ho' so I could just have at it. (lol) But I know that the harder I try to behave, the more opportunities I have to fall, the more I tend to think about what I shouldn't be thinking about. Can I get a witness???

It's been in so many different forms I know that satan is trying all that he can to make me fall. I have one friend in particular that I get into trouble with. We hardly ever talk on the phone and when we do we end up going where we shouldn't. I swear, if I did get pregnant I'd have a bouncing baby cell phone! At least it's safe sex, right?

Anyway, a wild one this week was a guy I went to high school with. He popped up to chat which he has done occasionally. We usually chat about movies or memories, friends, just innocuous subjects. Well, this time he started asking me if I was looking at porn and what I was doing. I laughed it off at first figuring that he was joking, but it soon became VERY clear that he was not. He was hot and he was looking for some play. Thankfully we were interrupted because I tell you, my resolve to behave was wearing down.

We ended up talking again a few days later after I had sent him an email that we needed to behave because I am trying to really follow God. He was cool with it, but he ended up going for it again. We eventually got into a long conversation about relationships and finding happiness--my greatest desire is to be married again and I don't want to taint that with extraneous sexual encounters. I want love and I won't settle for less, bottom line. Well, he ended up getting really upset and saying we should just give it up now because we were too different.

Um, OK???

We had gone out once about a year ago and I never got the impression that he liked me at all. So, then, does that mean he did, he does--well he doesn't now because he won't even respond to me. I'm completely confused over that one! I figure he just wanted to get some and I got all 'relationship' on him.

Then there's this other one. Now this one REALLY blows my mind. A younger friend ended up finding me online and we started talking. So he started getting sexual and admitted that he is a virgin and he asked me if I would take his virginity! I am still in shock. That just blows my mind.

A.) That a man can still be a virgin in this world.
B.) That he sought me out to ask to lose it with.
C.) That satan is trying so hard to make me fall.
D.) All of the above.

I'm just floored.

Well, not exactly. The timing is significant indeed. This week we did a fast for church as today we had an amazing healing service. I have been trying to really follow God and listen to His urging, listen to His voice, to be completely baptised in the Spirit, to give myself up to Him in every way. So, of course the devil would try all that he could to make me fall. He even sent a lesbian into my path, but let's just leave that one where it lies, which would be nowhere.

So, I've had an interesting string of weird sexual advances all in an attempt to derail me from God's plan for my life. Did I mess up? Sure. Will I again? I have no doubt. Am I free indeed? Absolutely. Can satan keep me down by either tripping me up with sex, or by making me wallow in guilt? Nope.

I look forward to the beautiful expression of love that I will one day have with my husband. I have no doubt that God has a wonderful godly man for me, a man with whom I will serve Him. It is precious to me and I want to honor that. Yes, I need to make a bigger effort to not fall--I should probably stop answering the phone--but I will not be tempted past what God has given me the ability to handle:

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Amen. Be blessed!

- Jan

*** A friend and reader sent me this link after I posted this: Jesus Wants the Rose a sermon by Matt Chandler that really spoke closely to my life. ***

I Believe I Can Fly

I have this song stuck in my head, and that's a great song to keep playing like that. I'm not sure who wrote it, but the writer HAD to know about our beautiful Savior. Here're the lyrics; I italicized the ones that really speak of God to me:

"I Believe I Can Fly"

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar

I see me running through that open door

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

- - -

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Sometimes silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Oh I believe I can fly...

- - -

Yes, we can do it, but we have to believe it--and God tells us all throughout the Scriptures about His love and promises for us. We can do all things through Christ Who gives us strength (Phil 4:13).

But the enemy loves to make us think we can't do anything, or tells us how we've failed over the years, how people have failed us over the years, how impossible it may seem, oh so many lies and possibilities. The key is that we need to stay in the Word and keep God's promises fresh in our minds, and to encourage each other to do the same.

It's hard to have endured a lifetime of verbal abuse or low self-esteem that's lies, if left unchecked, can spiral me into a deep depression. I've been working very hard over the last couple of months to change my negative thinking, to change my attitude, to keep myself close to God and those who will help me to stay positive. It's something I know I need to be vigilant about.

I know in this day and age people are pretty blase about 'needing' to go to church. I think one of the biggest problems is that people aren't going to the right church, or going for the right reasons. Yes, technically you don't have to go to church. It's not a requirement for salvation. However, the Word says to not forsake the assembling together--for a good reason!

I am in the most amazing church now. I spent 33 years in churches that did not minister to me. To me they were filled with people trying to act like perfect Christians (me included), didn't teach me how to love God, just how to fear Him, didn't teach me how to worship Him--a big part of what we're supposed to be doing on earth--and didn't teach me about the enemy. I learned to always wait for God's punishment after every screw-up, how to pretend to be righteous, to look down on other denominations and be judgmental....

Yes, I grew up in a church that my mom chose for us, but I never sought out another once I knew I was not happy there. Only in being seriously let down by the last church I was in did I eventually look for a church that was filled with the Light, where I have been able to tear down all the walls that I had built in a "proper" church, to see God for Who He is, and to see me for who I am. It's awesome!

But without my church family I know I would struggle through my week so much more. They keep me encouraged, they keep me accountable, they teach me, love me, accept me, everything that a church should do. I hope that if you have not found the right church you will take the step to find one. It's the second best thing I've ever done--next to my realization for my complete need for Jesus!

I know that without them, without the pillars of friends in my life, I would get back to that deep depression, that churning place that makes me completely unusable by God, that place the devil loves to try and get me to, that place where I see no hope and see myself as worthless instead of created by the Master according to His image, fearfully and wonderfully made.

So, I hope you realize that you can fly through Christ. God has given us so many gifts through the salvation of His Son, and there are many miracles that He desires to bring to and work through us, we just need to realize it and hold on to that truth.

Many blessings!

:) Jan

Message to a Friend

I just finished emailing a friend back who has been going through a lot of issues lately and has been feeling lost in her faith and far from God. It occurred to me that maybe what I wrote could help some of you as well. I did, after all, pretty much preach a sermon!!! Some of the stuff in it is personal to me, but I feel that in my vulnerability and transparency maybe you may find some help.

So, here's the text of what I wrote:


"I'm not working, but I'm thinking about putting in some apps. I'm completely out of money and am still not accepting that I have to go on Disability--if it goes through then great, I just don't want to give up on being able to work and be productive! I struggle every day in functioning, but everyone does to some degree. I'm going to have to suck it up and 'just do it'.

And yes, God has changed me that is for sure!!! I am SO thankful that He brought me to where I need to be. Just yesterday I went to lunch with my pastor and his wife to talk about my future. I want to serve Him so much. I'm thinking about what I can do in the ministry. Right now I know I need to get healthy and get closer to Him. I have battled depression my whole life, have battled weight and feeling ugly my whole life, I was molested several times as a kid, I've been raped and beaten, mentally abused, I've been into the occult, battled demons, tried to commit suicide, and worst of all tried to fake being a real Christian--I've been in the darkness, and I know that if I don't stay in the Light I am lost.

Like Peter, if I take my eyes off of Jesus I sink. Is it a battle to stay in that Light? ohmygosh, yesssssss When I don't actively seek Him then I fall into my old patterns, cut myself off from talking to people and stop talking to God. I understand exactly you're talking about. I am praying that you will find whatever it is that you need to find that connection to God that we're all craving. Don't give up. I repented of the occult stuff Christmas of 2006 and I have been going through this process then for what, 32 months? How long does it take to make a baby elephant, something like that, right!?! :) But seriously, I have waged war with the enemy, literally, and what I find most is when I take my eyes off of God then I have no hope because really, as we are in flesh, there is no hope for us. But with God, all things are possible.

So, bottom line, I LOVE YOU and I won't give up on you because if I did then I'd have to give up on myself! And if I give up on myself then it's because I believe God isn't big enough to handle my problems, and if that's the case then obviously He's not big enough to be able to promise me eternity.

The enemy is the one who is the prince of this earth and the father of lies. He's been watching us our whole lives figuring out our weaknesses and using them against us. He sucks. But, only when we realize how he operates can we fight him. After I repented of the witchcraft did I learn about the enemy and how he operates. Churches today don't teach enough about how the devil works. Most people either treat him like he's just a joke almost, or people are terrified of him. We don't need to be afraid because we have more power in Christ than he has. But, we need to know how he works or we won't see what he's up to:

The Bible says, "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." I think that was Paul, who remember said he was ticked because what he wanted to do he wouldn't do, and what he shouldn't do he did--and he actually met Jesus on the road! So, if all these Bible guys walked and talked with God and still screwed up, hey, we're doing pretty good! But I have to actively remind myself of this verse. When I'm thinking something negative I need to study it and say, does this coincide with what God has said, or is this a lie of the enemy? Lies: "I'm worthless, I'm ugly, no one will love me, I will never change, I'm a hopeless case, God could never use me because of what I have done, I'm crazy...." Truth: "We are fearfully and wonderfully made, we are the salt/light of the world, we can do all things through Him who gives us strength, He "has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind", we are set free from the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the Kingdom of Christ...."

You are amazing with a beautiful heart and many talents. God has given us the power to loose that which is loose in Heaven, and to bind that what is bound from entering Heaven: I bind satan and his demons in the name of Jesus, his weapons will not harm you. I loose the angels to surround you and know the presence of God's love and peace which passeth all understanding. If you believe, nothing will be kept from you.

This verse makes my heart sing: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

He has not started anything in us that He will not finish. And think of this: satan doesn't attack those who are useless. Don't you think that God must have some good things in store for us if satan has to work so hard to try and make us fall? Pretty cool, huh?

;) Be BLESSED today, claim what is yours rightfully in Jesus's name. I'm here for you, I love you, I believe in you! He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world!"


Hope this helps someone out there who may be going through something similar. GOD BLESS YOU!!!

:) Jan

Coming Back To What I Left Behind

I feel like I have when I've needed to call a friend, but it's been such a long time I keep putting it off because I feel so guilty for not having called before now.

I can't believe it's been almost three months since my last post. But then again, I've re-read it and I was in a very out-of-control place; it's been another tough journey coming back from it. But, here I am.

I was so convinced that I might be crazy that I was making myself crazy. Bottom line, that's what I was doing. It took my best friend Pablo to shake me out of that place and back into reality to see it. I don't know what I would do without him. Poor guy, I know he gets so tired of having to 'rescue me' from my old ways. I love him, that's for sure.

I know I am not crazy, but if I get in a self pity place and then start obsessing about everything I will get right back into that "churning place" that I talked about in that last post. It's a perfect explanation of how I end up there, by churning away like a washing machine, turning ideas or thoughts over and over in my head. It's a dangerous thing for me to do, and I don't like where I end up after I do it. It definitely is not a cleansing action, but one that makes things go darker.

I spent a couple of weeks in the light of God's love since that realization and revitalization. What an awesome place to be! I wish I could stay in that warm and joyous place all of the time, but I cannot. It's intoxicating to feel that all-encompassing love of the Father. When I am there I want everyone in the world to feel it. I want to spread the Word about what God can do for everyone.

But then, what goes up, must come down. And I knew I would as I've been through this before. But the first time I went through it I spent time mourning the loss of the feeling of God. I spent time wishing to have it back. At least this time I know that it will come again, and most importantly, I realize that if I try hard to get closer to God, I come closer to that feeling of total exhilaration. And bottom line, a relationship with God is not about emotion, it's about a commitment.

Here goes a rabbit: I think that's what is wrong with a lot of people today who get married and then divorce. People think that relationships are based in emotions, and once that euphoria wanes in a relationship, people forget that what is left is love, a commitment to love--for better or worse. If your heart is in the right place, and you are committed to loving that person even during those times when you may not particularly like them, then love endures all things--love never fails. We've forgotten how to love!

Anyway, a good attitude has made all the difference for me in the weeks since those glorious days basking in God's love. I have had to make an effort to keep from isolating myself, one of my major M.O.'s. As I have gotten older I have made a habit of isolating myself. When I have felt the most depressed I have reached out the least. Now, if there was some craziness in me, it would be that action: what I need most is people in my life, what I have thought I wanted the least was people in my life. Makes NO sense. I have been trying to reach out to friends from my past and spend more time with a lot of different people in different situations.

Have I failed at this? Yup. Even over the last week I have spent more time in bed and away from people. I've been rather exhausted over the past several weeks, and so have been convinced it's all about that. But now that I write this and really think about what I've been doing, I know that I have started to fall back into that isolation pattern that fosters depression.

Well, just sitting down to write this has in a way made me step back out into life and not just burrow in and sleep it away. I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I feel like that's pretty much what I've done up until now, at least for the last decade. I've been slinking away from life, too scared, too depressed, too sick, too self-absorbed...whatever.

So, where does that leave me? I'm committed to try and maybe fail instead of stay safe and cower. I know that God has plans for me, and they don't include me sitting here doing nothing! I need to grow in Him, and that takes work, just as the marriage relationship--that covenant relationship that I would love to share with the man of my dreams. I want this, and I am willing to work at it, willing to keep fighting for it, wanting to make my relationship with Him flourish and to bear fruit in my Christian life.

The missionary David Livingstone said, "I am willing to go anywhere provided it is forward." Well said, and I think a good plan to follow, wherever it may lead!

Believing for Favor

Well, I wrote last time about things God tells me through media. I just got an amazing reminder of how I need to believe I have the favor of God--we all do!

I was just watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about this year and believing that God will provide for us, and He will do so supernaturally. He is supernatural, you know? I always need a reminder, and I don't know why....

But Joel told several stories about people who received blessings--supernatural ones--that didn't make any sense in the "real" world. He told a simple one of a little girl who kept asking her mom for a kitten. Finally the mom said, the only way you're getting a kitten is if God sends you one. So the little girl knelt down and prayed in the back yard, "Dear God, please send me a kitten." Of course...one fell from the sky. The mom was shocked, the little girl joyous (she never had an issue with unbelief). The mom later found out that a neighbor many houses down was trying to get the kitten out of a tree, hooked his truck to the tree, had it bent over and then the rope broke. They thought the kitten was dead, but low, and behold...! Sounds crazy, right?

Well, I've had a few small simple instances like that, and I needed a reminder of it in order to reaffirm my belief that God is working supernaturally for me. One I can remember was last year: I had to go to the license bureau to get my license plates renewed (well, my $70 sticker to put on my license plate...). My mom was freaking out that we wouldn't have enough time, I can't remember what the issue was with that, but she was lamenting that it would take us forever because there would be a long line. Isn't there always a long line at the license bureau? Anyway, I had had the most amazing spiritual week of my life, and I knew that I was in the favor of God. "Don't worry Mom, I have the favor of God, I'll walk right in and get it." And that's just what I did. There was no one waiting so I literally walked in and got it and walked out within 4 minutes. She was shocked, and I was even more ecstatic as God's amazing work in my life had just revealed itself yet again.

Why do I forget that stuff?

I realize that having Pablo in my life is a God-thing, there's no doubt about that!!! He's a blessing most of the time....

Anyway, I met Pablo online and we became friends. No great mystery to that one, we all have online pals. However, God had a PLAN, still does, not sure all He's got for us, but, let me tell you, I never could have predicted this Latino landing in my back yard!

I found out Pablo wasn't going to go home for Christmas and would be alone for the holiday. Well, that is just not acceptable and I couldn't stand the idea of his being alone for Christmas. So, even though we'd only been talking online and hadn't met in person I asked him to come up here for Christmas. I couldn't believe I actually asked him, and I couldn't believe he actually accepted. But, little did I know that it would change our lives forever.

Now, if you've never seen or met Pablo let me tell you, he's not too bad on the eyes. Har har, understatement.... And, to say I didn't have any designs on him wouldn't be truthful either. He's hot, what am I stupid? Hellooooooooooooo!?! But anyway, he came up here as a friend to spend the holidays with me and with my family.

I've shared a little bit about the occult stuff that I was into--and I was doing it before Pablo got here, but I did not tell him what I was doing. I hardly told anybody what I was doing except those with whom I was doing it. My mom didn't have any clue what I was really up to. What I had told Pablo was that I was a Christian who was going to church, singing in the choir, teaching Sunday School and AWANA--who couldn't see at the time how lost I was. So, he came up here expecting to find a different woman than who I really was.

I used to be ashamed about it, about how deeply into the occult stuff I was and about how I had slowly gotten there and was in complete denial about it. But, I realized I have to get over that if I am ever going to be able to help anybody out of that same situation. Plus, God has forgiven me for everything I've done, so nobody else has a right to hold it against me.

So, anyway, while Pablo was here I played the role I had been playing for everyone else and tried to pretend with him as well. While he was here we prayed several times, and sometimes he would say, "You know, I don't know why I keep getting this, but I feel like God is saying to you, 'Enough'." Plus, he kept bringing up people that practice in the occult and how lost they are. Well, I kept feeling more and more uneasy, felt really weird every time he would want to pray or read the Bible.

One night we were on my couch and he was praying and then started to just pray by himself. I sat there for awhile and kept thinking, "I can't take this, I feel so weird." I finally got up and went to my room and shut the door. After awhile Pablo knocked on my door to make sure I was all right and then let me know he was going to bed. I told him I was okay, and good night, and so he went to bed.

I was actually going in circles, walking around my room and basically freaking out. And when I say freaking out, it's the closest to losing my mind I've ever come. My mind was racing a zillion miles an hour, and yet I couldn't hold a thought in my head. I know I was thinking, "Oh crap, oh crap," or some sort of variation. I would call to mind what he said about the occult and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that that is exactly what I had been doing.

Well, I don't know how long I paced and pulled my hair and cried before I started going around my room collecting things I had used in my occult practices and throwing them into the trash can. I pulled open drawers, pulled books off of shelves, pulled out decks of cards, stones, crystals, I can't even remember what all, but there was plenty. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but I knew I had to get it out. Pablo suddenly opened the door and said, "What's going on?"

I about peed my pants, he scared me so badly. I answered him, "Nothing."

"I know there's something going on in here because demons just woke me up, and there were many. What it going on in here?"

I remember all of that as plain as day, but the next events are a bit of a blur. I have no idea what I said to him, if I showed him anything, I don't know. I do remember finally ending up out in my hallway with him standing in his doorway, and me banging my head against my own door jamb. I know he told me if he could leave, he would, he couldn't believe I had lied to him the whole time--and that's the worst thing you can do to Pablo, it's a deal-breaker, indeed.

I remember he told me that obviously God had him here for a reason, and so he would stay to help me as he felt God had wanted. He also told me that I was going to destroy everything the next day, and renounce to everything and ask for forgiveness. He told me to go to bed and he would tell me how we would proceed in the morning. Somehow I went to sleep, but I don't think Pablo did. I'm pretty sure he prayed most of the night, at least, for guidance and strength.

That next day I did destroy everything, renounce any rights I had given to the devil by doing any of it, and asked for God's forgiveness. Let me tell you that the burning of the Ouija board alone was very scary, the colors and spitting of that fire was something else! God had so much grace for me in delivering me from that evil, and I surely didn't deserve His forgiveness. I had basically been a witch working for the devil and why He chose to spare me I have no idea. The only thing I know for sure that I am eternally grateful to Him for saving me from it. And, if you want to have an idea of how I feel about Pablo for helping me through such an incredibly difficult time, read the lyrics to the song "For Good" that're at the bottom of my blog. I have been changed for good by knowing him, for many reasons, even beyond what I've touched on here.

I would love to say that the minute I rebuked everything and asked for forgiveness everything turned glorious. Boy do I wishhhhhhhhh!!! It has been a battle coming back from the dead state that my mind was in. Truly, I felt like my brain was wrapped in gauze or something. I could barely think or speak half of the time. Pablo would ask me a question and I would just stare at him. I didn't realize that I still had many demons to overcome, a lot of mind-numbing to overcome, and it took me several years to feel like that was no longer an issue. It's a strange feeling, having your mind not accessible to you. Even though I lament about how I don't have much of a brain left due to fibromyalgia's "brain fog" or whatever, I know what it feels like to truly be "brain-dead" and praise God that I'm not there anymore. And I do wonder if I didn't lose some of my mind to that, I can't be certain. I know, though, that my mind isn't the playground of the devil's occult lies anymore.

I wish I could go back in time and change the very first thing I ever did, the very first book I ever read, the very first movie or TV show I watched with occult themes. That's how it starts, as I've said before. Like the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns says:

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands

Is shorter than you're thinking

Be careful if you think you stand

You just might be sinking

It's a slow progression into something so dark and deep. Be careful what you do, watch, read, and who you spend your time with. More importantly, if you're parents, be careful who and what your children spend their time with. Let me tell you, it doesn't take long to get in over your head, and if there's no one there to save you, you may be lost.

I am so lucky. Well, it's not lucky, it's blessed with grace undeserved. I know I have the favor of God, He's already given me His favor and I don't deserve more. I'm so thankful for everything the Lord has given me, and I am oh so thankful that He sent a man from Central America all the way to Ohio in order to ensure that I would be with Him in eternity. How cool is that!?!

But you know the really cool thing? Even though I don't deserve one more tiny little thing He stills gives me His favor, and to you--don't forget He loves you just as much as He loves me, and even if you don't deserve it--'cause who does?--you have the grace of the Creator of the world, the favor of Jehovah-jireh, the Lord Our Provider. What else do you need?

Talking to God

I need to talk to God more. That is such an understatement!!!

Who else could I talk to that understands every pain and every situation in my life? Who has suffered more, done more, seen more, said more? Who else could I turn to that would actually want to hear every last thing I have to say?

Why is it that He's the last one I seem to turn to?

I have to admit I wish I was one of those people who could say, "You know, God told me this," or maybe, "You know, I know God wants me to that...." I know quite a few people that say this, and for awhile I was quite upset with God because I didn't 'hear' Him.

"God, why don't I hear You?"

He must laugh at us, shake His head at us, marvel at our denseness. I know He definitely must have quite a show when watching me! I can imagine Him sitting up in Heaven, and there's something about to be revealed to one of us and He elbows Michael and says, "Watch this, you're going to love this!" I bet He enjoys watching those moments.

But you know, I realized that God 'talks' to me through books and TV. That probably sounds dumb, but I believe it. Every time I need to hear something, I hear it from one of those sources. It never ceases to amaze me how I always hear what I need to hear. Whether it comes from Joyce Meyer, David Jeremiah, heck Dr. Phil, I always hear whatever I need to hear when I need to hear it. It surely makes me realize that in a world full of so many people and so much to tend to, God still remembers me and that makes me special! Hard to even wrap my brain around, but it's true!

I battle so much with feeling like I don't count, I don't matter, I don't make a difference in this world, I'm not important, I'm not special. I know that it stems from how my father treated me and how I saw myself through his eyes. The incredible lack of self-esteem I have and have had my entire life often fuels my depression. The last several weeks have found me wallowing in depression and self pity. I would probably still be there if Pablo hadn't gotten fed up with my doom and called me out on it. Truly, everything was...suck. This sucks, that sucks, everybody sucks, everything sucks, life sucks, I suck.... He had finally had enough and said pretty much hey, get a grip, you have lots to be thankful for, don't get bitter.

I surely felt bitter. I had to head back to WVU to see the same doctor who had put me on that Tramadol and whose office had never even called me back about it. Why? Because my PCP's office said they really didn't want to deal with it, and really didn't even have time to make the appointment! But I've raved about the medical establishment enough, so I'm not giving that any more time. Suffice it to say that I'd had enough medical crap and thought it sucked....

Anyway, all sorts of things were happening around me, and I was letting them pile on top of me instead of dealing with them as I could and looking to God for strength. I actually had three panic attacks last week, and I haven't had those in years! The enemy definitely had me where he wanted me--helpless from being petrified and completely without hope. The devil is not an idiot. He's so good at his job, he knows us so well, way better than we know ourselves. And unfortunately I let him win the last couple of weeks. Well, praise God above He had Pablo smack me in the head, and then sent Joyce Meyer and David Jeremiah to remind me how God works to help us get back from where we've been.

And I hated where I was--no one wants to be miserable and make the people around them miserable. I had just gotten so low that I was below the horizon and ready to about give myself up to misery. Uff, that's not fun, not a fun place to be, not a fun place to stay, and I don't know when you get that low if you have any strength to pull yourself out of it. I truly think that it takes someone else to say, "All right, that's enough, you have to come back to the light." I don't think I had that strength, and unfortunately the only other person I was really talking to besides Pablo was in the same boat I was in. Hard to keep yourself from drowning when another person is drowning beside of you and you keep grabbing onto each other. There's no help in that situation!

I truly want to help others battle these and other struggles. Whether the battle is depression, addiction--which by the way I lost another 1.4 pounds but I think I gained it all back plus more today. I had a day where all I wanted to do was eat. Luckily I don't have a lot of food around now that I can just scarf--gosh I wanted chocolate badly!!! But believe me, I did enough damage with high fiber bread and butter.... But the battle over these kinds of pressures is a difficult one, and one I know we can't handle alone.

I have been a solitary person most of my life. Since I was little--I think in part due to the molestations--I have kept things to myself or tried to figure out how to deal with them on my own. Pablo is the first person I ever really showed my real self to. And boy, it hasn't always been a pretty picture, that's for sure! But, I know what it's like to try to keep all the secrets, all of the battles, everything negative to oneself, and I know the outcome is never good. Even though I thought I was keeping the 'bad stuff' from Pablo over the last several weeks, I showed him the 'bad stuff' that was festering inside of me because of keeping it all in. We need to share our burdens, there's no shame in that, it's what makes us human--and that's not a bad thing!

An old friend wrote to me and said she's read some of my entries and always thought I was happy-go-lucky, and that she never had any idea what was really going on in my life. She was so right, as I did everything I could to make sure people wanted to be around me by being funny or seeming happy. In talking to my counselor I have come to realize that I have 'made' different masks to wear in dealing with people, all stemming from my interactions with my dad, mainly. I have an Entertainer mask that I wear a lot. Of course, the Happy Fat Girl is a pretty common image in the entertainment industry, and why is that? Because we're pretty common. Most of the women I know who have significant weight issues play the Happy Fat Girl role. It makes us pleasing to people who we do not want to consider us unacceptable, and as unacceptable as we feel to ourselves. If we can make someone happy, then maybe they can make us happy, too. Boy, I have a lot more to say about that when it comes to men, but I'll deal with that in another post sometime.

That happy mask is one that I had fairly well glued to my face until I met Pablo. I think he peeled it off...I surely didn't want him to see the real me. I'm so thankful that he did it, but it has been a painful process to try to heal what's underneath. And let me tell you, I'm not anywhere near ready to drop it! I don't know what I really look like underneath. It's weird to think I'm 35 years old and don't really know who I am. I know who I've tried to be, who I've pretended to be, but to let my mask down and just be me? I don't know who I really am, and I don't know how to drop the mask yet. More counseling needed....

Well, I don't know how I ended up here when I was talking about praying to God, but, I guess I needed to go through all of that. When I bring it all around it simply means one thing: I need to pray to God. Over the last couple of weeks I have been beating myself up for not changing, not being a better person, not thinking correctly, not having a good attitude. I was wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't change. Well, Joyce Meyer was talking about change, and about how we try to change ourselves and others. She said only God can change people, we can't. What we can do, and should do, is do what we can do and pray for God to do those things we simply can't. Well, that was so good to hear because I keep trying to change myself and beat myself up because I don't change. I've been struggling so much with the battle and the worry that I won't ever change. What I haven't been doing is praying to God to change what I can't.

I pray all day long, whenever something comes to mind, but I haven't been very focused in my prayers. I know I need to talk to God and really be honest, and then He will change me in His time according to what I need, not what I think I need. I always beat myself up, too, wondering why I can't keep my mind focused on God and what I know I should do, but then, didn't the Apostle Paul wonder at why he seemed to be able to do the things he didn't want to do, but the things he knew he should do he didn't do? I know I often forget that even the heroes of the Bible were failures in living the life God calls us to. But none of us are perfect, and never will be. I don't know why I think I am the only one who should be and fails at it.

Anyway, bottom line is, I'm thankful for the life I have and I don't want to return to the self pity and depression mode I was in. I have so much that I don't deserve praise God, but then I have so much I need to give that I'm not doing, Lord please help me! I want to serve God but need to quit getting in the way of myself. I need to ask God for help, and ask others for help, because no one on this earth can do everything by themselves. And, if I truly want to change, then I need to seek God's help through prayer, and simply do that which I know to do.

God bless!

:) Jan

Horoscopes

Well, today is my best friend Pablo's birthday. And I can't help but think back to when we met...gosh, now that would take a 10,000 word post at least, we'll get to that sometime. But anyway, when we met I remember asking when his birthday was and what his "sign" was. He told me he didn't believe in it, but I was really into it. I thought it was somehow fate that we had come together since we're only 4 days apart--and a year, but let's not dwell on the fact I'm older.

Anyway, I've been thinking about that today, about how obsessed people can be with astrology. One of the longest-held and best friends I have is Jen. I truly love her, we have been through so much together since kindergarten! We have done a lot of stupid things together, too, but I won't get into that here either! Jen is really into astrology. She puts a lot of stock into how astrology really dictates how a person is, who they are and how they act. I used to put a lot of stock in it, too, as well as many other occult studies.

For a lot of people astrology is simply something fun, reading their horoscope from the Sunday paper just to see how accurate it was. That's how it started for me. I simply thought it was cool how "accurate' it was sometimes. That grew into getting books about it, and studying out charts, figuring out rising signs and moon phases. It was a slow progression full of justifications.

"God made the planets and stars, so surely it's OK to look at this stuff. He made them, so He must have made astrology, too."

"Why does astrology have to be of the devil? God is much more powerful, so this power must come from Him."

These are the kinds of justifications that people would and will tell me in order to make looking at astrology OK. And unfortunately I believed it, or at least accepted it in order to do what I wanted.

The Bible says not to mess with astrologers or any other 'Spiritualist'. Not because it's more powerful than God, because the devil is already defeated and he knows it. But because the devil knows our interests, our weaknesses, ways to tempt us, he knows us better than we probably know ourselves. He's studied us from the beginning. God tells us not to mess with that stuff because He wants to keep us from pain.

How could astrology hurt? Well, I suppose if it was truly just something fun to do, not something to potentially draw us away from God, it wouldn't be of any consequence because it's not real. But, the danger is that people put stock into it and start looking to the astrologer for answers instead of God, they make it their god. God tells us in the Ten Commandments to have no other gods before Him, and astrology for many is a god. It was a god for me.

I nearly lost my soul forever playing with fire in the occult, things that people do every day and never even think twice about. I am not overreacting here, I am testifying to personal experience with this dark realm. All it took was a taste of astrology to get me much deeper into occult practices.

Please be careful in all that you do. Think about the things you read, the shows you watch: how many people watch Medium, Ghost Whisperer, Most Haunted? These were some staples in my TV diet. I had to delete channels from my TV in order to curb the temptation. I have to avoid books, magazine articles and internet sites that may tempt me.

I pray that all of you at least think about what I've said. And don't take my word for it, take God's Word for it. There are plenty of scriptures that tell you not to meddle with this stuff. I'm reading Jeremiah 27 right now:

"'So do not listen to your prophets, your diviners, your interpreters of dreams, your mediums or your sorcerers...They prophesy lies to you...They are prophesying lies to you, I have not sent them,' declares the Lord. 'They are prophesying lies in my name. Therefore, I will banish you and you will perish, both you and the prophets who prophesy to you.'" (NIV)

That's one of many. Do a study and search them out. You can use a concordance online to search for specific words in the Bible. You can view the Bible online as well. I just found a good resource for all sorts of Bible study: www.crosswalk.com. It's worth it to at least know what the Bible has to say about it, don't you think?

So, that's a little bit about astrology from my experience. I have a lot to share with you about my experience in the occult, the lies the devil told me in order to get me there, the lies I decided to believe in order to stay there. I pray this helps you. Let me know if you have any questions about this; I'd be happy to share more with you.

:) Jan