"Born Again"

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I've been so tired, have had so many things happen, and have been so sick and tired of being sick and tired--otherwise known as depressed--that I just have not made it. Last night I had to stay the night at my mom's so she could physically wake me up so that I would actually make it there. I was still 20 minutes late, but quite literally, better late than never!

It was a service that was held just for me. I have no doubt that others took something away, but God brought me to that service for a special reason.

There was a funeral there today. I mourned the loss of a little girl who was molested beginning at age 3, a child that endured mental abuse, a child who lost her innocence and right to just be a child. For the first time, I mourned the loss of me.

I couldn't figure it out at the time, but I was compelled to go forward this morning when the preacher called up two people who had just experienced a death in their family and wanted to have us all pray for them. He asked if there was anyone else who needed the same prayer, and I felt like I needed to go up there. I've had A LOT of relatives in the last couple of weeks that have nearly died, and I myself thought I was having a heart attack a few weeks ago, so I thought with all of the stress, I must just feel like I need to grieve.

But as I stood there and my pastor was praying, I just started to cry, and I realized that I was crying for me, I was racked with sobs and just out-and-out broke down, crying for my lost little girl. Nobody up there knew what I was thinking or going through, but Pastor said, "You've been grieving long enough," and I knew that he was right. He said that Jesus paid for our freedom, and we're free from the grief and pain. I knew he was so right, I need to reach out for the freedom from my stolen childhood that Jesus bought for me.

Pastor's sermon today was about God being our shepherd, Jehovah-raah, and how that if we truly follow Him, instead of just running to Him in the bad times, He is our strength, He is our help, He is the One to deliver us from temptation--BEFORE we do it. These are all areas that I am struggling with. There's no doubt I was supposed to hear this message. Like my friend Jeff, who's studying theology, reminds me, there is NO word for coincidence in the Hebrew language....

The text of the message was Hebrews 4:11-16 (all here KJV). The first thing that spoke to me in verse 11 was, "enter into that rest." I have been beating myself up, struggling to figure out why I can't seem to change the way I want to, why I can't be strong enough to do what I need to do, why I....me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Sounds like a vocal warm-up, not God's way of doing things.

I've liked the following verse for a long time: "Be still and know that I am God...." Psalm 46:10 KJV. I've known I need to be quiet so that He can work through me.

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." John 13:17 KJV

Yeah, I know, but....

I've been in a panic for awhile because of my lifelong habit of being immovable, waiting for God to 'tell' me what He wants me to do, and never moving on my own--unless it's an out-and-out dumb thing to do that I know I shouldn't be doing. I can own that, truly. (See: Divorce)

But I've been struggling now for three years trying to change myself to be good enough for God, or been waiting for Him to turn on some magical hidden switch inside of me. That's not how He's working, let me tell you.

Verse 11's phrase, "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest," now that makes sense to me when I think about what I've been trying to do, struggling to make myself do everything the right way--laboring to make things happen. I cannot make these things happen on my own. It's like the first part of the Serenity Prayer, which I loved way before I ever knew it was a 12-Step program mantra:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change what makes me think. I can't, I don't even know how to begin to change how I think since I don't know what makes me think it. (You think?) But, like verse 11 says, we have to work at resting in God. Only He can do it. "I can do all things THROUGH Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:13 KJV. It doesn't say, 'I can do all things with Him in the vicinity.... '

So, instead of laboring (struggling) to change me, I need to labor (work) at resting IN HIM. I need to seek Him every minute of the day. ("If ye know these things....")

No matter who said it (some say Benjamin Franklin, some say Einstein or some other), the definition of insanity truly is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's where I've been, and it's been driving me insane. No doubt about it. Short trip.

So, verse 12 talks about God's Word and the power It has in our lives. (See: "If ye know these things....") Undoubtedly the Word is a great weapon. When Jesus was tempted in the desert by the devil, what did He use to fight? He responded with Bible verses. Good enough for Jesus, better believe it's good enough for me! Just need to implement it in every millisecond of my day.

You know, I have been thinking a lot lately about a guy I met in a 12-Step program that I saw again awhile ago. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight, to the point I didn't recognize him until I heard him speak. I asked him how he did it, and he said he simply prayed before each and every bite of food he took. Wow. Sounds nutty hardcore fanatical poison-laced kool-aid-drinking-crazy, doesn't it?

But that's EXACTLY what we should be doing--that's what I need to do!!!

So, verse 13 hit close to home for me as well. It basically says that there's nothing out of God's view. We all know He's omniscient, but somehow I am never just down-and-out bare-faced honest with Him. Why? I know He sees everything, knows everything, is everywhere, so what makes me think if I don't acknowledge something He won't notice it?

I know that when I'm just being 100% completely real about something I feel so relaxed, unburdened, not tensed and in turmoil. In just being real with Him and allowing Him to do the work--man that really takes the pressure off!!! Not that I'm saying, "hey God, You do all the work, I'll just lie here and eat bonbons." But instead of trying to figure it out myself and getting into a frenzy, I need to labor to rest, seek Him and say, "OK God, here I am, I need Your wisdom." That sounds much more peaceful and productive.

I swear I've said all this before.

Verse 14 declares Jesus is our High Priest who is the ONLY One by Whom we go to the Father--not an earthly priest who merely hears our confessions; I'll just let that one go, but Jesus said no man comes to the Father but through Him, so we don't need to confess to anyone else--but verse 15 is truly extraordinary, and I never realized its implications.

Verse 15 says that Jesus understands our pain, our sin, our temptations because He EXPERIENCED THOSE SAME TEMPTATIONS and YET WAS SINLESS.

OK, so we know Jesus was without sin. We know He was tempted by the devil in the desert and the garden. But I never thought about Him being tempted by every temptation that I am tempted by. The pastor today said, "I bet you all are thinking He was tempted by 'little' temptations." Of course he pointed out that all sins are the same in God's eyes, but yes, I never ever thought about Jesus being tempted in the way some of us are. Can you imagine Him being tempted in some of the ways we are with sex and pornography, chemical or substance use, gambling, etc? If He bore all of our sins on the Tree, then He had to know all of the sin and temptation that ever was, is and will be.

Can you imagine, our Precious Savior being subjected to some of the perversions of this world, because He loves us? Wow.

OK, so, He wants us to quit trying to bare the labor of the work but to rest in Him, to use His Word to its full power potential and not as a burden or for condemnation, to just be honest with Him because He knows it all and has seen it all anyway, to have Him only as our High Priest--who had been tempted in every way imaginable and can therefore understand what we're going through, and then:

Verse 16: "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

He wants us to come honestly to Him with no pretense, not arrogantly as we might interpret 'boldly' today. And as the verse says, yes, we can obtain mercy for how we've screwed up, but we can obtain His grace so that we don't screw up to begin with; He knows how to keep from screwing up since He's already faced our challenges. That is so amazing.

So after Pastor closed, he had any of us who struggle with this, who struggle with not seeking God in all our times, not just times of trouble, who are so discouraged by our failure because we haven't realized the burden of life when given to Him becomes His responsibility. (Uff, what a relief!) Pastor told us that we are FREE INDEED in the Name of Jesus, we are not under that stress anymore if we accept this truth for our lives and implement it.

After the service, I talked to the couple who actually inspired me to go to this church. (Their light is so amazing.) I was telling them everything that's been going on in my and my family's life, and what I've been reading and discovering, and they thought it would be a good idea for me to go to the cemetery and 'talk to' and 'forgive' some of my relatives. We all know they're not there; it was simply an exercise of getting it off my chest, for me to at least speak out my feelings and then to forgive them from my heart.

My father's family are buried here so they are the ones I addressed. A lot of generational pain has gone on in both sides and so that is mostly what I talked about. I was surprised, however, that I spent so much time at my father's grave. Last year I had written him a letter and vented a lot of the repressed anger I had toward him. Today I really poured out pure hurt and pain. I really grieved there, really let out how badly he hurt me, and how his treatment has affected how I view myself, and all of my relationships. For the first time I spoke honestly about how he made me feel.

At his grave I said that I was hurt and sad that neither he, nor any of the other family members, had ever been brave enough to be honest about the whole family's dynamics and stepped up to try and stop the cycle of abuse, to stop the pain and stop hurting each other. Then I stopped and realized, that if they weren't brave enough, then that would mean--I'm brave. I am brave enough to look honestly at myself, my life, my relationships and try to change what isn't working, try to stop what does happen that shouldn't, and try to stop hurting those that I love. I am brave. I've NEVER thought of myself as brave. Cool. I'm brave!

I do wish they would have been able to step back and see what was really going on and try to fix it. I can't imagine what joy would have been in our family if it had happened. But, that's "how the cookie crumbles" as Pablo likes to say. I can't change the past, but sure can change for the future.

Well, I have always been very dramatic (No comments, please!), and have looked for ways to tie things together or make them more significant. I've been trying to avoid doing anything of the sort lately, but this evening I've been hearing the words to the song "Born Again" by Third Day, and they just speak how my heart rather feels. I don't feel like today was some angels-descending-lights-sparkling-poofing-clouds-sort-of-thing. The words just speak to me, and I feel like more of the weight of my past was chipped off. I'm making progress.

I'm including the lyrics to the song at the end of this post. Maybe they express something in your heart.

Be blessed!

:) Jan


"Born Again" Third Day

Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,

I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life

Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
Is so much more real than anything,

I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning.

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,

Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time,
In my life.

I Believe I Can Fly

I have this song stuck in my head, and that's a great song to keep playing like that. I'm not sure who wrote it, but the writer HAD to know about our beautiful Savior. Here're the lyrics; I italicized the ones that really speak of God to me:

"I Believe I Can Fly"

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar

I see me running through that open door

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly

- - -

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Sometimes silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

- - -

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Oh I believe I can fly...

- - -

Yes, we can do it, but we have to believe it--and God tells us all throughout the Scriptures about His love and promises for us. We can do all things through Christ Who gives us strength (Phil 4:13).

But the enemy loves to make us think we can't do anything, or tells us how we've failed over the years, how people have failed us over the years, how impossible it may seem, oh so many lies and possibilities. The key is that we need to stay in the Word and keep God's promises fresh in our minds, and to encourage each other to do the same.

It's hard to have endured a lifetime of verbal abuse or low self-esteem that's lies, if left unchecked, can spiral me into a deep depression. I've been working very hard over the last couple of months to change my negative thinking, to change my attitude, to keep myself close to God and those who will help me to stay positive. It's something I know I need to be vigilant about.

I know in this day and age people are pretty blase about 'needing' to go to church. I think one of the biggest problems is that people aren't going to the right church, or going for the right reasons. Yes, technically you don't have to go to church. It's not a requirement for salvation. However, the Word says to not forsake the assembling together--for a good reason!

I am in the most amazing church now. I spent 33 years in churches that did not minister to me. To me they were filled with people trying to act like perfect Christians (me included), didn't teach me how to love God, just how to fear Him, didn't teach me how to worship Him--a big part of what we're supposed to be doing on earth--and didn't teach me about the enemy. I learned to always wait for God's punishment after every screw-up, how to pretend to be righteous, to look down on other denominations and be judgmental....

Yes, I grew up in a church that my mom chose for us, but I never sought out another once I knew I was not happy there. Only in being seriously let down by the last church I was in did I eventually look for a church that was filled with the Light, where I have been able to tear down all the walls that I had built in a "proper" church, to see God for Who He is, and to see me for who I am. It's awesome!

But without my church family I know I would struggle through my week so much more. They keep me encouraged, they keep me accountable, they teach me, love me, accept me, everything that a church should do. I hope that if you have not found the right church you will take the step to find one. It's the second best thing I've ever done--next to my realization for my complete need for Jesus!

I know that without them, without the pillars of friends in my life, I would get back to that deep depression, that churning place that makes me completely unusable by God, that place the devil loves to try and get me to, that place where I see no hope and see myself as worthless instead of created by the Master according to His image, fearfully and wonderfully made.

So, I hope you realize that you can fly through Christ. God has given us so many gifts through the salvation of His Son, and there are many miracles that He desires to bring to and work through us, we just need to realize it and hold on to that truth.

Many blessings!

:) Jan

Letting Go of Pride, Taking Hold of God's Gifts

So on Sunday I went to church as I have been doing for the past several Sundays, praise God! I'm trying to be faithful, as He is faithful. Plus, gosh, it's amazing. Our church is actually praising God, not just there out of guilt or pretense, but truly to worship the Creator and to learn more about Him!

Afterward we had our monthly church social--what I call "The Feed". It's a time after church where we gather in the Family Center, people bring tons of food and we just have a great meal and fellowship. Yes, every church is into eating....

Anyway, while sitting with my friends, I don't know what prompted it, what we were discussing, but I started to talk about how I am out of money, and out of food. I literally had 7 things left in my refrigerator (aside from condiments), and 3 of those things had gone bad. I started crying, A LOT, and not because of the actual situation, but because I feel like I'm not doing enough, because I am not working, though I'm trying to come up with some ways to make money. I guess we never feel like we're doing enough.

So, anyway, one of my friends went and told the ladies doing the cooking and cleaning up that I could use some food. Now, I had brought 2 containers with me, one for me and one for my friend I have been picking up to go to church every week. There are always tons of leftovers and so I knew that they would give me some of what was left from what the church had bought. However, not only did they fill my two dishes and send them both home with me, but they also gave me 14 more! (And yes, my friend got some, too.) I imagine it was like watching Jesus feed the thousands, the woman who kept pouring out the oil in her jar, or the woman who fed Elijah first and found her grain barrel kept refilling--there just didn't seem to be an end to all the food!

All I could do is cry and cry and cry. At first, yes, it was my pride...I should be the one helping, not being helped. I "look" on the outside like everything is OK, my clothes are nice, I wear jewelry, my car looks nice, I live in a nice house--but I can't feed myself. I want to help other people, I don't like being this person who is not out there working or getting things accomplished. Being that vulnerable, that bare, that helpless was difficult to show to anyone else.

But as they kept bringing out more and more containers and saying, "Do you want this, how about that, here take this with you..." I was just so overwhelmed by their love. All I could say was, "My cup runneth over." I truly know now what that is like, what those words feel like in my heart. Those women blessed me in SO many ways and helped me grow in those minutes that I could have only grown through that experience. Add to it, one of the ladies put some money in my pocket saying that someone gave it to her and just wanted me to have it. It was enough to cover a bill I owed today!

Jehovah-jireh: the LORD our Provider! He is our hope, He is our refuge, He is our strength, we have His favor!

I've been asking God to make me a blessing, and here He blessed me beyond what I could have imagined. I had NO idea that would happen Sunday. I went expecting 1 dish and came back with 16! I went with no money and came back with some! This is definitely a "God-thing". No one else but God could have made that happen. It was extraordinary, overwhelming, humbling, exciting, amazing....

I truly know that He is taking care of me:

I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free, for His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!

A friend of Pablo's sent him and me a link on YouTube with Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston singing "When You Believe". They've been talking about how we are trying to find ways to make money, about how it is overwhelming that we sometimes feel like we're getting nowhere, losing strength. No matter what we've been through, come what may, Pablo and I are still moving forward, together. Thank the Lord for his friendship!

When I listened to that song today, sung by two secular artists who I grew up loving to sing along with, I had to cry and praise God for showing me that if I have faith, if I believe, it will happen, He will prosper me.

HE IS LISTENING, HE IS SENDING MIRACLES.

He knows the plans He has for me, to not harm me, but to prosper me, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He has those plans for you, too!

Not my will Lord, but thine. He must increase, I must decrease.

When I can't go on, He can. When you can't go on, He will carry you, too.

Be blessed!!!

:) Jan

Let's Talk About Sex

All right, I've been pondering this post for awhile, but wasn't sure quite how to go about it.

So, no guts, no glory...no embarrassment??? Well, here goes.

I have had issues with sex all of my life. As I mentioned, I was molested as a child. Add to that I was brought up in an ultra-strict church that made sex sound dirty. Add to that I had an emotionally distant and verbally abusive father who did not give me the kind of love and attention for which I craved. Add to that I developed rapidly, and especially with large breasts. I have almost always been overweight--except that I was quite skinny before the molestation incidents and up to starting kindergarten and all of the stress of the anxiety disorder--and have had a very low self-esteem as a result. I have played the "tease" role. I was raped by my fiance. I have given myself away to men who didn't deserve it, but I hoped if I gave them what they wanted, they would give me what I needed. The cards were stacked against me very early for any sort of healthy sexuality, and my own behavior has compounded it throughout the years. Sex has been a very scary thing for me, and a place I've never felt I could be completely vulnerable as I have never been able to trust, for obvious reasons. I'm trying to let all of that go.

The molestations: I was molested 4 times by a variety of people that I should have been able to trust. I'm not sure about the ages, but I believe the first time was at age 3 and probably the last time at age 5 or 6. Every location was different, every situation different, every requirement different, and not all of those involved were men. I often wonder if any of them remember doing it. I do, I sure do. I vividly remember every detail. And I've been working very hard to forgive them so that I can move on and not let it ruin my life anymore.

(When I looked at this post on the page I had to come back here and add that the picture on the left shows me before any of these events happened, but one happened in that chair, right where it sat, beside the kitchen door leading into the living room. I live in the same house today, and though it doesn't look quite the same, I see that spot, and think about it every day. I plan to come back to this topic soon.)

I'm thankful that they were not chronic abuses, but separate incidents. I can't imagine what it would have been like if the person(s) continued to violate me. I thank God that I didn't have to suffer that abuse. All things work for good....

Anyway, I did tell my father about the first incident and he nearly killed the guy. So, it wasn't like I didn't know I couldn't tell anyone. I just learned that the retaliation from that person was unpleasant to say the least. I also felt guilty. Even at that young age I felt like I had done something wrong in that it had happened at all. But, I only later told my mom that any of the others happened, and told her about one of them just within the last couple of years. I guess it's common for survivors of molestation to internalize everything. That has caused me a lot of heartache indeed.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I started to gain weight when I went to school. Not only was I battling nervous vomiting everyday that put me in a love-hate relationship with food and caused me to sneak food in the middle of the night, but it was also around the time I was starting to develop. I remember my father sitting down with my mother and me to say I needed to wear a training bra. That was pretty early on, and I am fairly sure around age 7. I was laughing the other day with a friend with whom I was in the second grade. That year we played BJ and the Bear, from the TV show, at recess out on the playground. Jeff played "BJ" and Brian played "Bear" (my best friend, Mandy, was Bear's sister, even though he didn't have one and that would have made her a monkey, but she had a crush on Brian--how cute is that?). I started out as just one of the many women BJ had around. But, at one point Jeff/BJ said I was to be "Stacks". The girl who had been playing Stacks complained as she had blond hair. Jeff said, "Well, she has the stacks." It was settled.

I think I was learning from all of these events that the only real attention I got from a man was of a sexual nature. All but one molestation occurred exclusively with men. Even at school, boys would pay attention to my developing body. I had such a low self-esteem from the interaction with my father, as well as from being overweight. I, too, think that the weight was a way to make myself undesirable. If I could insulate myself from men by being the fat girl, then maybe they wouldn't hurt me.

That turned when puberty started. I slimmed down some and liked that men would pay attention to me. I can look back on it and think it's because I felt love-starved from my father. But, when I added in the guilt feelings from the church teachings, I was somewhat scared at how I was feeling. I knew that according to the Bible it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, there was never any doubt in my mind about that. But, some of the people who would do our summer camps were college students, and overcome with zeal to make sure we didn't do anything we shouldn't. I remember this one conversation between 2 college counselors that were speaking. They were talking about saving yourself for marriage and you know how people banter back and forth? Well, this girl finally said, "You shouldn't even kiss before you're married. If you do, you're not a virgin anymore." I was devastated listening to that conversation, I was ruined for sure and felt like I was to blame.

Even though I had a fear of sex, and a fear of making God angry, I wanted to feel wanted. I started playing a teasing game with men. I wanted to get their attention, but only to a point. I remember another summer at that same camp when I met Brian G. I was 12, and he was 18, and of course I didn't tell him how old I was. He had come to camp for the Thursday night camp fire, and somehow we hooked up. We sat together at the fire, and I leaned into him, and we held hands and he started caressing me, etc. Thankfully a counselor finally found us and broke it up, I don't know how far it would have gone. I didn't see him after that night, and frankly don't remember ever talking to him again, but think I might have...?

Later that summer, my mother woke me up really early one morning. "Who's Brian G.?"

"I have no idea, what time is it?"

"Who is Brian G.?"

"I don't know."

"You better figure it out because your father nearly beat him up last night at work."

"Oh, s^&*!"

Well...come to find out this guy had ended up working for my father at the power plant as a college student. Apparently they were all sitting around at dinner and he was telling them about this cute chick he met earlier that summer and even rattled off the telephone number--my telephone number--my dad's telephone number. I don't know exactly what happened, but suffice it to say Brian G. knew I was 12 and he was lucky to be alive. Thank God indeed I was born before the Internet or who knows, he might have Google Earth-ed me and showed up at my house! Oh, I was definitely put in the right place and time!

I never felt beautiful, never thought I was pretty, and my father or brother never helped me in that area, not that I think many male family members really fawn over their female family members and let them know they're beautiful. But, their comments tended to be about how I was ugly and overweight. Anytime that a boy or man would make me feel the least bit pretty or desirable I was automatically obsessed with him and wanted to have him pay attention to me. It's a very dangerous thing when a girl looks for validation from a guy, because if the guy is of questionable character he will get what he can from her, and then discard her. That has happened to me more times than I can count. I'm working on being completely in love with myself so that I don't have to have someone else do it for me.

My parents should have kept closer reins on me, though, and I wish they had seen signs of my trouble with sexuality. Perhaps if you see your child do any of the following, you might check into the possibility of molestation:

- Changing clothes: When I was little I would change my clothes every couple of hours. My mother would catch me doing it, but I never had a good reason, I just wanted to have new clothes on.

- Obsession with clean underwear: To this day I don't go on a trip without 3 times the amount I need, and -- TMI -- find myself changing underwear several times a day. It's almost compulsive at this point.

- Caught with other children doing inappropriate things: I remember doing some things with several different children, and I wonder now if they were molested, too. We would do things like close doors and look at each other naked, play 'doctor', role play as different characters on TV. Our knowledge was way beyond a normal amount, and beyond normal curiosity. I know I acted out some of the things that were done to me.

- Provocative dressing: Especially when I was in grade school, I wanted to wear off-the-shoulder shirts, short skirts, sexy underwear and high heels. I also started wearing eyeshadow, which my mother bought me for Christmas, at age 9! My mom and I have talked about that since then, and she said she thought I was going through a phase. Especially when you consider how even more sexual our culture has become, you must be very careful in how your children, especially girls, are 'sexed up'. It's not just the latest fashion, it's dangerous!!!

- Preoccupation with how sex works: I remember I would ask my mother an inordinate amount of questions about sex and the human body, and would even draw different pictures. In grade school I would steal condoms from my parents and take them as a 'show and tell' of sorts at slumber parties.

- Books and TV (and Internet): I read the V.C. Andrews books like Petals on the Wind and romance books. Watch what your kids check out from the library, and watch what you have on the TV. My dad loved "Solid Gold" and those dancers were nearly naked. He also had sex 'letter' magazines hidden in his underwear drawer which I read periodically. AND, please watch what your kids are doing on the Internet, what they're watching on YouTube. Never let your child have his/her computer in his/her bedroom, make sure it's in a public location in the house and that (s)he is always monitored. I have seen too many boys and girls in the library doing things and talking about things they've done that I've never even thought of as an adult.

If you have any questions, please let me know. You can email me outside of this blog at vpljan@hotmail.com .

I want to help other people identify signs so that if something has happened they can make sure it stops, and make sure the child gets the proper counseling. Now that it's been 32 years living like this, it's hard to change the way I am as a result of the molestations and all that happened after. I wish that it would never happen to another child again, but if it does, I pray that I can help them and you get through it. Don't ignore or deny anything. Which is worse, checking out something to make sure it hasn't happened, or living with the knowledge that you could have done something and didn't?

I think I will stop here instead of going on with the other things that have happened to me sexually and have gotten me where I am. It is important to really understand what molestation can do to a child, and how it builds and shapes who they become in so many ways. Don't smother your kids, but always keep an open dialogue with them so that they feel comfortable telling you everything. Run through their days with them, ask them who they were with, what they did, start as early as possible getting them to chatter on. Also, in talking to my counselor, she said that young kids have a hard time telling you what happened, but they can act out the entire thing, down to what was said, with puppets. Try it. Anything it takes to make sure your kids tell you what's going on is worth it.

I'm SO thankful that God protected me in so many situations. I'm sure some could say, "How can you believe in a 'loving' God if He would let something like this happen?" Well, God doesn't make things happen, He allows things to happen, and He has a plan. I want to help people, and maybe the way I can really help is by helping children and families who are victims of molestation, I don't know. I do know, however, that if I hadn't gone through it, I wouldn't have the perspective that I do.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Maybe advocacy is my purpose, His purpose. I don't know the plan, but I'm willing and He's able.

God bless. :) Jan