Overwhelmed by Illnesses

I am feeling quite overwhelmed right now. I'm back to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm not bitter, I'm not writing this to wallow in it, I simply feel like I need to get it off of my chest and do not want to unload it all over any human that is physically near me. Somehow writing it here is like blowing it in the wind, giving it no weight with which to burden myself or anyone else.

I've seen 4 different doctors in the last 5 days and have had myriad tests. I had two appointments just today, and have two braces, one ankle and one wrist--which makes typing a bit difficult with only one hand! My fibromyalgia symptoms are highly magnified by the problems I've been having. I'm still experiencing extreme exhaustion, low blood pressure, chest pains, trouble breathing, other pain.... I could start whining here to be honest, but I won't. I'll just leave it at cataloging the major issues and not spend any more time on it.

Wah.

*Sigh.*

Move on.

So, I need to do a good word study on healing in the Bible. I've looked up a few verses in the past, and so here's what I've found:

"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise." Jeremiah 17:14 KJV

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a KJV

"O LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me." Psalm 30 :2 NKJV

"Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: 'I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you.'" II Kings 20:5b NKJV

I know that God has a long history of healing His people. I know that Jesus died on the cross to heal me and that "by His stripes we are healed" (KJV). I know that God does not want/need a sick army! I know that God is Jehovah-rapha, "The LORD Our Healer." I know these things....

And yet, here I am, with all of these physical and mental symptoms.

I wonder sometimes if I simply lack the faith it takes for complete healing. I know that God allows things to happen to us--I do NOT believe that it is God's will for me to be sick. There's no way He would will such a thing. Not a doubt in my mind. I wonder sometimes if I am not under attack of the enemy. I wonder sometimes if it's all in my head. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get better.

I know that "all things work together for good" as it says in Romans 8:28, and that any illness that I may endure can be used for His glory. I know these things.

But, I feel what I feel, and I am trying to harness those feelings and not let them get out of control. I know that when I over-think something, allow myself to become anxious about something, my thoughts can overtake me and render me full of fear. I know I need to stop those thoughts from developing, by simply letting them go. I don't want to get into the 'churning place' of anxiety anymore, it's no fun there!

I also am realizing that I am trying to 'fix' so many things at once that again I have become overwhelmed and have started to feel hopeless again. I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's taken me 35 years to get here. It's not going to *poof* away overnight--gosh I wish it would!!! But I need to take the proverbial ONE DAY AT A TIME and stop trying to make it all happen at once.

Have I written all of this before, or does it just seem like it?

Well, it is what it is, and I am who I am, and so there you have it. I'm not giving up. I know that this, too, shall pass. I know this. I just need to focus on what I CAN do and quit fighting the reality of what I can't do until someday I can do it!

And I know my hand hurts and so I need to stop for now.

Be blessed!

:) Jan

My Heart is Breaking

My day has been filled with pain.

Physical-

Emotional-

Spiritual-

I want to disappear, I want it all to be over with. Jesus, please come soon.

But I'm not ready!

I know I'm not doing what I should be doing. I need to be working for God, I need to be reaching people for Him! I am failing Him, I am useless.

But I want it to be over with. I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of all of the things I am dealing with. I am tired of what the stress does to my body and to my mind.

I think I am crazy. And I mean seriously crazy. I think I should be in the psych ward. I am so depressed, and then my mind races, and then I cry and cry and cry, and then I go fifty miles an hour. I can't take it. I seriously think I may be bipolar--duh, do you think? At least I'm not schizophrenic, I'm sure about that one.

I hate myself right now. Every negative thing I have ever heard keeps running through my mind and I can't disagree. I feel weak, cowardly, useless, empty, exhausted, afraid, insane, I hate myself with a loathing that is undeniable.

Am I too selfish, self-absorbed, too pathetic to deal with the fibro and life at the same time? The pain is so great and has about eaten me alive the last few days, but the depression, despair, anxiety, panic attacks have controlled me.

I am lost and spinning out of control.

I need help. I need help but then I am afraid that I really am crazy, but then if I don't get help and I am crazy I will stay here. I don't want to be this way.

I'm scaring myself now. My mind is rushing around, and I'm in pain, but I don't want to stop talking because I feel like I have to get it out, have to purge my soul from all of the poison that is inside me. Am I just being too weak and pathetic?

It's not like I'm dying of cancer, or just lost my baby, or have lost everything. I know that. I'm just in pain that no one can explain, I'm depressed, exhausted, sick, without a job, without help and facing debt that's overwhelming. I'm a burden on everyone, and I don't have the strength to do much about it. I'm useless.

My mind won't let it go. I am stuck in the churning place, where my mind and heart swish as if going down a drain.

I'm afraid.

I need to reach out to God, He has the answers, but why is that so hard? I'm failing, indeed, failing, pulling away, falling down into a hole and I don't feel like there's a way out.

I'm supposed to stop and get in the 'now'. But now is so scary, I can't seem to slow down and then when I do all I can do is sob.

I'm tired of this craziness. If I was crazier I'd end it now.

But the fear of waking up in hell keeps me from it. I don't know if that's what would happen, but to spend eternity without my Savior is more unbearable. I can't find that in the Bible, but then I'm afraid to find out for sure because then I would have no reason to keep me from it.

I want out.

I need to trust Him, I need to reach down into my soul that faith that He has given me. He does not make mistakes. I'm here for a reason. Right now I feel like the world would be better off without me in it, but I won't do it.

I can see it in my mind. I can feel the sensation of doing it. It torments me but I won't give into it. My God is greater than any problem I have.

My God is greater than my pain.

I will praise Him in this storm. He sustains me. I am falling into His arms right now. I have to go, I will go rest.

Jesus take the wheel...save me from this road I'm on. I'm letting go.

How can a woman really be a molester?

I was watching a show the other day where they were talking about the abduction, rape and murder of the 8 year-old girl, Sandra Cantu. What an incredible sorrow. Many are asking, could the woman accused, Melissa Huckaby, really have done it? Women molesters are so rare, it's just improbable.

Well, it does happen. It happened to me. I haven't thought a lot about it over the years, and when I have, I haven't tried to recall details. The other molestations that I experienced were by peripheral family members, and they affected me much more profoundly because of that breech of trust. But I will never forget it.

The most vivid image in my mind of this molestation experience is looking out the window of the camping trailer and seeing my family's campsite. We had a campsite near a lake that we would visit quite frequently every summer when I was a kid. Our trailer sat between two other campsites. Our neighbors to one side had two teen girls who were often accompanied by their male cousin. I don't know exactly how old I was, maybe around 4-6 years, when it happened, and thankfully it only happened once. But I can still call up the emptiness that I felt as I stared out that window.

I have no idea what might make somebody think about hurting a child, especially sexually. I have gone over many times in my head if there is any possible way that I acted inappropriately, if there was any way I could have done anything to stop these acts--of course, my rational mind knows that a child as young as I was could not have done anything to invite these things to happen. I know that, but it still comes into my mind when I start thinking about it.

I am so thankful that God protected me from some very terrible possibilities. I know that He has a plan and purpose for everything. Why did I go through so many things at such a young age? I don't know. All I can do is try to help other people by sharing my experiences, my feelings, my ways of coping, how I've dealt with things, or not dealt with them.

All things work together for good.

I hope that they find whoever did this horrible thing to little Sandra, if it was Melissa Huckaby or not. I hope they prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. I also hope that this society would take more care and pay more attention to what is going on with other people--and more importantly, pay more attention to what is going on with their children!

I think that this is one of the greatest issues that America faces, the loss of our youth. It's been getting worse as time passes. I'm part of Generation X, I know how our generation took a bigger step away from authority, away from God. I also think our families were quite occupied with work and having "better lives" than their parents did. Now, as I watch it seems that people are becoming incredibly egocentric and are not concerned about the real welfare of others, not concerned for the hearts, minds, and souls of people around them.

I am as guilty as everyone else. I sit in my house, whether in pain, depressed, or just plain lazy, and watch the world go by through my glass bubble. I need to get out there, I need to get dirty, I need to hold people while they cry, smack their backs while they laugh, help them become better people, help them know the love of God. I want that, but apparently not bad enough to try harder. I want to be better, I want to help people be better, but I need to make it happen. It won't happen by itself.

I've had a tough week this week, both physically and mentally. I've been in a lot of pain, and have been depressed. When these days are so overwhelming like they've been, I feel like I'm deflated, like there's nothing left of me, like I can't move one more inch. My brain knows I need to make the effort, but my brain also won't take that step. I want to, I want to overcome it, I want to beat this pain and sorrow down, I want to kick butt, not get butt kicked, but here I am. I want to rage, and yet, when I need to the most, I fall over weeping.

Ironically Monday I had an awesome counseling session and felt really good, felt like I was making incredible changes and that I had made it over a hurdle. Tuesday I woke up rather melancholy thinking about how many ways I'm failing, how I need to do better, be better, and ended up spiralling into a huge bout of pain and depression. My mom had pointed out to me that she thinks there's a pattern, that when I'm getting ready to have a huge fibromyalgia flare up that this happens. I think she may be right, and yet, I am blaming myself for not doing enough.

As I've said before, I need to pray more. I need to pray without ceasing, I need to focus on God. I know these things...

If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.

I don't know what to think. I think I'm tired of thinking. I know I over-think things. I know that I need to do and not think, but on the days I can't do, then I think. I feel like I'm a rat on the wheel, I keep going in circles and never really get ahead.

I don't know how I ended up here considering where this post began.

So, anyway, yes, women can molest. Not just some freaky woman down the street either, but can literally be the girls right next door. Take my word for it.

Jan

I Think I'm Back to "Normal"

Well, it's been a long road from Tramadol to back again, and I am SO glad to be back to where I was before this whole mess. Ironic, I say, as before this I wasn't sure how worse it could be. Well, the laugh was on me, indeed, though I was not laughing. And you know, the doctors have never called me back.

So, anyway, with that madness behind me it's onward and upward! I feel like I lost about a week and a half there. But I feel like I am renewed and ready to fight some more.

You may be wondering, "So, did you lose any weight, then?" Nope, I actually gained 1.8 pounds back. But you know what? That's OK. It was a tough week, and considering everything I think it went pretty well. I need to re-center myself, though, and refocus my mind on that task. WW is an easy program to follow--I can add and subtract for the most part. The hard part is retraining my mind and how it reacts to stimuli that send me to food in the first place.

I saw my counselor for the first time in weeks yesterday, and that was goooooooood. I don't think we really "got anywhere" but I feel like I'm back on the road to getting things straightened out and purged from inside. My counselor has fibromyalgia, so she can quite commiserate on what it's like in every aspect. It's nice to be believed instead of found suspect or tolerated. I'm tired of feeling that way from so many people, whether they be from the medical field or from everyday life. I know that this disease is real. Why it happens, well, that could be from the mind, I don't know, but let me tell you, as I sat up most of last night in pain and unable to get to sleep because of it, I KNOW that it is REAL. I pray you never understand what that is like.

But, in that pain I was able to study more about my Savior. God is amazing. I knew that. I know that, but gosh, it's good to be reminded of exactly HOW good He is! I started reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel Sunday night. I could barely stand to put it down. I was captivated! It was so intriguing to me how he went through every plausible argument against the existence of Christ as God, and how in every case he found that history actually supported the claims the Bible makes about Him.

Strobel is a well-known Chicago journalist and atheist. He set out to determine that Jesus is not who the Bible says He is. He interviewed 13 scholars as to the veracity of the claims that Jesus is indeed the Messiah of the Jewish Bible, or Old Testament, and the Savior of the New Testament. In mainstream media and entertainment realms the Bible is treated with contempt or as a nice story. We get the impression that there are no real scholars that are basing the reality of the Bible on true facts. This is far from the case. There are many places in historical records that concur with the Bible testimony of the Apostles.

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!!

I can't tell you what it was like for me to read especially the "CSI-type" account of the torture of Jesus. If anyone can deny Christ's love for us after reading that, so help them God! It changed me forever, and I didn't think anything after the "Passion of the Christ" could do that. I'm planning to get into The Case for the Creator ASAP.

I'm sorry to have to cut this post short today. I have many things I could say about the book, about the Book, and about my God! I'm loving to study about Him. I'm excited to learn more. I want to have as many arrows in my quiver as possible as I head into battle. I hope that people realize how close we are. I hope people realize that the time is coming that we will have to choose whether to pronounce or denounce Christ in our lives. It's no legend, people, the time is near. Please be ready!

:) Jan

If You Need to Cry, Then Cry

I needed to cry, and now I'm done. I don't know if I'm really that done, I just think I'm tired of doing it. And my eyes are puffy.

Today--well yesterday by now--has been a real roller coaster of emotions. Scared--Worried--Joyful--Excited--I've been through a whole bunch of them, and mostly with my friend Jen.

I talked about Jen in another post, but that was only a tiny glimmer into one of the longest friendships I've had. We've known each other since kindergarten, went to the same grade school & high school, stayed friends through 20s and now 30s, and we're really more like sisters, or even better, really. I don't know that there's anything about me she doesn't know, and she tells me the same. Have you ever seen those little signs: You Will Always Be My Friend, You Know Too Much. Well, that's us. Actually, I have a couple of friends who need that sign....

But truly, we've been into some wild things. We both got divorced about the same time. We hadn't talked for quite some time, but one night I called her out of the blue--something quite uncharacteristic for me as I am bad about calling people--she was busy so I said, "I just wanted you to know I got divorced." And she said, "Me, too!" I think we went out partying that very weekend and many thereafter. I plead the 5th about any details....

So anyway, since New Year's we've both been going through a lot of soul-searching, realizations, and just down-and-out God-things; you know, things that happen that only God can make happen. We've had all sorts of conversations about this world and our place in it, about being better and helping others become better. We've had some very serious religion and Bible conversations, it's been truly amazing. (I'm working on her about the astrology thing.)

But the last couple of days Jen has been dealing with a relationship situation. And it got scary tonight. I don't want to go into specifics, because frankly it's no one's business and not my place to put it out there. But tonight it was scary. We cried together and prayed. The situation got resolved and she was safe. But in all of it we grew even closer together, and more importantly closer to God.

God has plans, and we don't see it. His Word says that all things work together for good for those who love God. He never promised us a rose garden. I think that's one of the problems with religion today, and believe me, I have a lot of problems with religion that gets too religious. It's not about man's rules and rituals, it's about God and His love for us. But anyway, look at a lot of the men in the Bible who followed God: John the Baptist was beheaded, Peter was crucified upside down, John was boiled in oil.... Sound like roses? God's promise is not for a perfect life on earth. His promise is that if we believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ we will be saved, and spend a perfect eternity in bliss with Him. Life with God is no guarantee of life without suffering, it's a guarantee of a heavenly afterlife.

I know I suffer. Jeesh, do I sometimes, more than I think anyone should have to. The pain gets overwhelming. But, I know there's a purpose. Perhaps on this earth I will never know, but someday I many find out that somebody else saw how I dealt with it and so found comfort. Maybe it's here simply to make me stronger. I don't know. Like I said, I don't understand His plans. But does my pain make me love God any less? No. It's not His fault there's pain in the world. Man brought that on himself. Why me? Well, why not me? Like Mother Teresa said, I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much!

But Jen and I really talked about this tonight, and about what it truly means to have God in your life. And when God-things are happening to you, how can you deny that He is working? He definitely brings people and situations into our lives to remind us of who He is and what He's capable of, and that has to be just the tip of the iceberg of what He can do. It's been so cool to watch Him work in our lives and those around us. He's watching over us. And in learning all of these things about Him, we desire more and more to share that love with other people.

Well, I need to quit for now, my headache is back. I believe I'm getting these headaches more frequently and with more severity due to the Tramadol. I used to get migraines pretty bad and often, but hadn't had any for quite some time. But since I started on this fibromyalgia medication I've had quite a few of them, and they're getting more intense. I don't think they're helping with the pain either. I've been shaking, too, but I'm not sure if that's from the med or from low blood sugar. I'm hoping the doctor's office calls me tomorrow and tells me what to do. As hard as it was to get used to the side-effects, I'm sure the withdrawal will be very pleasant as well. Ah, pharmaceuticals, how are they poisoning us? I'm going to take those on, too. But later....

:) Jan

My Head Hurts

Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.

I can't seem to get anything out tonight, nothing very coherent anyway. I have a headache, not so unusual, but it's getting the best of me and stealing my good thoughts. I have other pain, too, of course, my ever-present fibromyalgia pain, as well as my good old buddy osteoarthritis. He's bad especially in my hands today. I think that's also part of the problem with me, I can't type very fast and so my brain and hands both not working is making this nearly impossible.

I'm rambling about absolutely nothing now, so I guess better quit. I'm very tired, too, because I fought very hard to stay awake today--I am trying to reset my schedule to try and get up earlier in the mornings. Life begins so early and I'm usually up 'til the wee hours or don't get a restful sleep at all. Then darn it if somebody doesn't call and wake me up!?! I've been on a new medication, too, that is making me really exhausted and rather zombie-like, but I think it's getting better since I stayed up all day long today. I may be paying for it now, though!

Sleep is what I miss the most, I think. I can't remember when it was that I actually woke up and felt rested. It's literally had to have been years because I can't remember! I battle fits of insomnia, sometimes can't sleep because of the pain, or headache, or stress, so I don't know how well tonight's going to go anyway, or my brain won't be quiet long enough for me to relax, or then there's the Restless Leg Syndrome.

RLS is so weird. I remember watching the commercials and thinking, yeah sure, my legs feel weird but I don't have that. Ha! When I had a sleep study done they said my feet and legs moved all night long! I still thought they were just overreacting, but then I quit taking the medication for it--well, I didn't have insurance at the time and couldn't afford it--I about went nuts with how much my legs crawled. I literally wanted to peel the skin off of my legs it was so bad!

But, anyway...I just don't get much rest. So I'm tired. And I usually end up taking a nap in the middle of the day. And those naps tend to last like 4 hours and I sometimes don't even hear the alarm or the phone to wake up. When I sleep too long then I really can't seem to get to sleep at night. So, we know one of the biggest keys to being healthy is sleep--and I'm just not getting it! It's a big key for fibromyalgia, too....

Sometimes I swear I'm going to absolutely have a psychotic episode I'm so tired and at my wits' end from not sleeping. I feel like if I don't sleep I will just literally explode. And I don't mean exploding temper, I mean really just blow up like a bomb! It's bizarre. It's like I'm a ticking bomb and about to go off. It's actually how I feel inside, my heart and mind both pulsate. I don't like those nights and days very much, and unfortunately they seem to be more frequent these days.

I think this is going to turn into a full-blown migraine because my left eye is drooping and the light is starting to make me feel nauseated. So, I have got to get out of here. I hope this wasn't too crazy or painful, but you know, I think it helped me to get that off my chest, so thanks!

:) Jan