A Farewell to Friendship?

My friend Marie is addicted to pain pills. She's been addicted to them for over 11 years now. I think she's finally hit rock bottom. Well, I think there's further she could go, but I'm hoping this is as far as she has to get in order to make a change.

I am guilty of having known about her addiction for the last couple of years. I have thought about calling her mother, or calling her doctors, but never thought it was my place to do so, never wanted to 'make it worse' on her. I always thought I could help her overcome it somehow. I regret that incredibly.

It all started after the birth of her second child. There were a lot of complications from the epidural, and she ended up having a lot of very strange pain and intense migraines. The doctors were not careful with dispensing the pills, and she ended up hooked. She has worked the system visiting different doctors, ERs and clinics. She has gotten them from other people who wanted to help, by giving her things that they had been prescribed that didn't work for them, so that maybe she would find some relief from her headaches.

Well, in January things finally came to a head when her teenage son went to live with his father; she began to spin out of control so much that she had visited several doctors, emergency rooms, and clinics in order to get several types of pain medications and cough syrups. I think she said she got 60 pills in 3 days or something. I know it was a crazy number! Thankfully, the pharmacy flagged it and notified all the doctors as to what was going on. As a result, she can (probably) no longer get narcotics medications in this area, and her PCP dropped her as a patient.

Let me say here that I completely disagree with what her PCP did. I understand that Marie broke her confidence with her PCP, of that there is no doubt, and no forgiveness. However, now Marie will have to get a new PCP who may not actually realize or find out that she has the addiction, and will right off the bat be in a strained relationship. I wish that the PCP had kept her on as a patient so that she would be the responsible and aware physician that Marie needs. Addiction to pain medication is a HUGE problem, especially in the area in which we live, and it needs to be dealt with differently by the medical establishment. I wish doctors would pay more attention to what they're prescribing, how much and how often, and would then, when a problem is spotted, take the initiative to help that person if they still desire it, and to not leave them high and dry. How many people like Marie have then turned to buying those pain pills illegally, or a rougher drug because they are desperate?

I worry about her SO much, and that is part of the reason it's taken me this long to finally say 'enough' and let her know I cannot help her anymore.

Well, anyway, after what happened with the pharmacies and doctors in January, Marie started to really abuse one of the medications she is still on. It's actually one I used to take for my nerve ending problems associated with Fibromyalgia: Neurontin. Somehow she talked another doctor into prescribing her 8 per day, or 240 per month!!! It's outrageous that she ever got that many. Anyway, she was having a hard time controlling it, taking even more than 8 per day, sometimes up to 30 in 24 hours! When she finally told me what she had been doing, I offered to help her by dividing up the pills into 4 equal parts and having her pick them up once per week in order to make them last as they should.

We got through the first month--last month--rather shakily. She had to come and get pills early because she would have taken too many, but she somehow made it through. I really felt sorry for her, as I know what addiction is like, and didn't judge her for it. This month was not so good, but she was just into week two. It never bothered me to do it, I was hoping it would work for her because she actually does need that medication for a nerve condition she has. What's the big deal of counting out some pills, putting them into different containers, and holding them until she comes to get them? I didn't mind, and they didn't bother me. I could live in a pharmacy and not care. Pills don't do it for me. My plan is to get off of the ones I am on now. So, to dole them out to her didn't put me out at all.

Well, this weekend was pretty insane. She had been given Trazodone by an idiot psychiatrist which made her really dizzy, tired, and sick, and of course, she was drinking alcohol which it says to absolutely NOT do. Unfortunately, Marie uses alcohol for another addiction outlet. Her drinking is out of control now, too.

So, she said that Friday evening was her last Trazodone, and Saturday she was pretty sick and very tired from it, and asked me to bring her the next batch of her pills for the next week so she would already have them. So, I was going sort-of in that direction so I drove out there to her house. I could tell she had not been well. She didn't look drugged like I've seen her so many times, she just looked like someone who was getting over being sick. She said she was just going to go to bed after she watched a movie.

At 6 am my phone rang and woke me up. Now, as I have told you before, it usually takes me a long time to get to sleep, and I don't sleep very well. It had taken me until 4 am to get to sleep, and I had to get up at 8 am in order to make it to church. Needless to say, being awakened by a drunk idiot leaving a message on the machine about the same dumb things she always does, but doesn't stop doing, did NOT amuse me. I am sorry to be so blunt, but really, you can only hear the same thing from someone over and over before you get sick of dealing with them!

So, I hardly got any sleep which made for a really long and rather difficult day. I have to say that I was VERY angry with her. So I was rather childish and didn't talk to her until yesterday--she called at least 10 times and left messages. I was really so mad that I didn't think I could talk to her without being mean and I didn't want to go there. I wasn't sure I was going to talk to her ever again, honestly. I finally figured out she didn't care about me, and was only using me, just as she has almost our entire friendship.

Now, I allowed it to happen, so that's my own fault undoubtedly. But, I finally decided that I'd had enough of it, I deserved better, and I couldn't help her anymore--she needs way more help than I have in me. I also know that the addicted Marie is not the sober Marie. Before the addiction she was rather selfish, but never to the point of not caring at all and doing specifically vicious things. She has gotten to that point now and honestly, I don't like her.

We talked yesterday. She ended up showing up here with food--my addiction. And it's not the first time she has tried to undermine me by giving me food. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. I gained the almost 10 pounds I'd lost on Weight Watchers back from 2 weeks of her giving me a bunch of food. At one point I said that I was thinking if I really let myself get out of control, I'd be 900 pounds and trapped in my house. She said, "Sweetie, that's OK, you can get me pain pills and I'll keep feeding you." I wish she had really been kidding.

So anyway, she asked me to give her another week's worth of pills as she had already taken that other bag in two days--at least 60 pills--and to throw the rest away. She had no refills left on those and is supposed to see a counselor of some sort next Monday. I did as she asked, the extras are gone. She said she knew it wasn't going to work, intimating that I was judging her by getting mad at her, so in essence, I had let her down.

Once, a guy told her, "I'm disappointed in you." She always thought it was SO ridiculous that he said it to her, but I have to admit, that's exactly what I've been thinking, I'm disappointed. I wish she would have been able to get a grip on her addiction, get herself under control, and not let herself get into as much trouble as she has. I wish she could really see what she's done. I wish she had some remorse. I think it's going to come, and I believe she can overcome the addiction. She doesn't give herself credit and she's been destructive for so long. I can only hope that those people on Monday can help her.

I guess all of us who are addicts think we can control it. It's a lie of the enemy. THIS time we can do it differently. THIS time we have it all under control. Just like in AA, they tell alcoholics that they are always addicts, one drop of alcohol is too much. No matter the addiction, the same truth prevails. In my case, food is REALLY tough because I HAVE to eat. There's no way out of it. I HAVE to take control and break all of the patterns that lead me to overeat. It's really hard to do because I have to be 'on' 24-7, always cognizant of what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm eating, if and why they're related. I can't let my guard down, and when I get out of control I don't have any real grasp on reality. It's scary for me, I can't imagine what it's like to have an addiction to a potentially deadly substance.

I really do hope Marie finds the help she needs. I am not gone from her life, I'm just gone from her addiction. I don't want to be brought down myself. Two drowning people cannot help each other out of the water. I think I'm finally starting to crawl up on the beach and I can't disregard my own health and well-being for anything. I hope to see her on the other side of it and be really proud of her. I'd never not talk to her, but I can't help her, I don't have the training, I don't have the resources, I don't have the strength. I love her, and I always will, and I will pray for her always. But I have to love me more.

:) Jan

Talking to God

I need to talk to God more. That is such an understatement!!!

Who else could I talk to that understands every pain and every situation in my life? Who has suffered more, done more, seen more, said more? Who else could I turn to that would actually want to hear every last thing I have to say?

Why is it that He's the last one I seem to turn to?

I have to admit I wish I was one of those people who could say, "You know, God told me this," or maybe, "You know, I know God wants me to that...." I know quite a few people that say this, and for awhile I was quite upset with God because I didn't 'hear' Him.

"God, why don't I hear You?"

He must laugh at us, shake His head at us, marvel at our denseness. I know He definitely must have quite a show when watching me! I can imagine Him sitting up in Heaven, and there's something about to be revealed to one of us and He elbows Michael and says, "Watch this, you're going to love this!" I bet He enjoys watching those moments.

But you know, I realized that God 'talks' to me through books and TV. That probably sounds dumb, but I believe it. Every time I need to hear something, I hear it from one of those sources. It never ceases to amaze me how I always hear what I need to hear. Whether it comes from Joyce Meyer, David Jeremiah, heck Dr. Phil, I always hear whatever I need to hear when I need to hear it. It surely makes me realize that in a world full of so many people and so much to tend to, God still remembers me and that makes me special! Hard to even wrap my brain around, but it's true!

I battle so much with feeling like I don't count, I don't matter, I don't make a difference in this world, I'm not important, I'm not special. I know that it stems from how my father treated me and how I saw myself through his eyes. The incredible lack of self-esteem I have and have had my entire life often fuels my depression. The last several weeks have found me wallowing in depression and self pity. I would probably still be there if Pablo hadn't gotten fed up with my doom and called me out on it. Truly, everything was...suck. This sucks, that sucks, everybody sucks, everything sucks, life sucks, I suck.... He had finally had enough and said pretty much hey, get a grip, you have lots to be thankful for, don't get bitter.

I surely felt bitter. I had to head back to WVU to see the same doctor who had put me on that Tramadol and whose office had never even called me back about it. Why? Because my PCP's office said they really didn't want to deal with it, and really didn't even have time to make the appointment! But I've raved about the medical establishment enough, so I'm not giving that any more time. Suffice it to say that I'd had enough medical crap and thought it sucked....

Anyway, all sorts of things were happening around me, and I was letting them pile on top of me instead of dealing with them as I could and looking to God for strength. I actually had three panic attacks last week, and I haven't had those in years! The enemy definitely had me where he wanted me--helpless from being petrified and completely without hope. The devil is not an idiot. He's so good at his job, he knows us so well, way better than we know ourselves. And unfortunately I let him win the last couple of weeks. Well, praise God above He had Pablo smack me in the head, and then sent Joyce Meyer and David Jeremiah to remind me how God works to help us get back from where we've been.

And I hated where I was--no one wants to be miserable and make the people around them miserable. I had just gotten so low that I was below the horizon and ready to about give myself up to misery. Uff, that's not fun, not a fun place to be, not a fun place to stay, and I don't know when you get that low if you have any strength to pull yourself out of it. I truly think that it takes someone else to say, "All right, that's enough, you have to come back to the light." I don't think I had that strength, and unfortunately the only other person I was really talking to besides Pablo was in the same boat I was in. Hard to keep yourself from drowning when another person is drowning beside of you and you keep grabbing onto each other. There's no help in that situation!

I truly want to help others battle these and other struggles. Whether the battle is depression, addiction--which by the way I lost another 1.4 pounds but I think I gained it all back plus more today. I had a day where all I wanted to do was eat. Luckily I don't have a lot of food around now that I can just scarf--gosh I wanted chocolate badly!!! But believe me, I did enough damage with high fiber bread and butter.... But the battle over these kinds of pressures is a difficult one, and one I know we can't handle alone.

I have been a solitary person most of my life. Since I was little--I think in part due to the molestations--I have kept things to myself or tried to figure out how to deal with them on my own. Pablo is the first person I ever really showed my real self to. And boy, it hasn't always been a pretty picture, that's for sure! But, I know what it's like to try to keep all the secrets, all of the battles, everything negative to oneself, and I know the outcome is never good. Even though I thought I was keeping the 'bad stuff' from Pablo over the last several weeks, I showed him the 'bad stuff' that was festering inside of me because of keeping it all in. We need to share our burdens, there's no shame in that, it's what makes us human--and that's not a bad thing!

An old friend wrote to me and said she's read some of my entries and always thought I was happy-go-lucky, and that she never had any idea what was really going on in my life. She was so right, as I did everything I could to make sure people wanted to be around me by being funny or seeming happy. In talking to my counselor I have come to realize that I have 'made' different masks to wear in dealing with people, all stemming from my interactions with my dad, mainly. I have an Entertainer mask that I wear a lot. Of course, the Happy Fat Girl is a pretty common image in the entertainment industry, and why is that? Because we're pretty common. Most of the women I know who have significant weight issues play the Happy Fat Girl role. It makes us pleasing to people who we do not want to consider us unacceptable, and as unacceptable as we feel to ourselves. If we can make someone happy, then maybe they can make us happy, too. Boy, I have a lot more to say about that when it comes to men, but I'll deal with that in another post sometime.

That happy mask is one that I had fairly well glued to my face until I met Pablo. I think he peeled it off...I surely didn't want him to see the real me. I'm so thankful that he did it, but it has been a painful process to try to heal what's underneath. And let me tell you, I'm not anywhere near ready to drop it! I don't know what I really look like underneath. It's weird to think I'm 35 years old and don't really know who I am. I know who I've tried to be, who I've pretended to be, but to let my mask down and just be me? I don't know who I really am, and I don't know how to drop the mask yet. More counseling needed....

Well, I don't know how I ended up here when I was talking about praying to God, but, I guess I needed to go through all of that. When I bring it all around it simply means one thing: I need to pray to God. Over the last couple of weeks I have been beating myself up for not changing, not being a better person, not thinking correctly, not having a good attitude. I was wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't change. Well, Joyce Meyer was talking about change, and about how we try to change ourselves and others. She said only God can change people, we can't. What we can do, and should do, is do what we can do and pray for God to do those things we simply can't. Well, that was so good to hear because I keep trying to change myself and beat myself up because I don't change. I've been struggling so much with the battle and the worry that I won't ever change. What I haven't been doing is praying to God to change what I can't.

I pray all day long, whenever something comes to mind, but I haven't been very focused in my prayers. I know I need to talk to God and really be honest, and then He will change me in His time according to what I need, not what I think I need. I always beat myself up, too, wondering why I can't keep my mind focused on God and what I know I should do, but then, didn't the Apostle Paul wonder at why he seemed to be able to do the things he didn't want to do, but the things he knew he should do he didn't do? I know I often forget that even the heroes of the Bible were failures in living the life God calls us to. But none of us are perfect, and never will be. I don't know why I think I am the only one who should be and fails at it.

Anyway, bottom line is, I'm thankful for the life I have and I don't want to return to the self pity and depression mode I was in. I have so much that I don't deserve praise God, but then I have so much I need to give that I'm not doing, Lord please help me! I want to serve God but need to quit getting in the way of myself. I need to ask God for help, and ask others for help, because no one on this earth can do everything by themselves. And, if I truly want to change, then I need to seek God's help through prayer, and simply do that which I know to do.

God bless!

:) Jan

The Medical Establishment Sucks

I'm so sick of it, sick of getting no help from the people who are supposed to be giving it!!!

As you may know, I've been complaining of headaches. I have one right now, in fact, and sitting here staring at this white screen will indeed make it worse, but I'm hoping I can get this off of my chest quickly. Well, my friend Jen said to me over the weekend, "You know, you said the other day you hadn't had any headaches or migraines for awhile, but you've been having them a lot lately. Do you think it's because of the Tramadol?"

--- light bulb ---

Derh. Yes. So I reread the info that came with the prescription and it said that if blah, blah, blah, call your doctor immediately.... So, it was after hours, so I emailed my PCP about what was going on. I figured she would tell me to call the specialist I saw at WVU, but the WVU specialist told me to talk to my PCP first. So, what do you think I heard when I picked up the phone from my PCP's office?

"You need to call the doctor at WVU."

Quelle surprise. Not.

So I called WVU...and they never called back. So I called the next day...and they never called back. Never called back. So I called my pharmacist and he told me what to do in order to get off of them safely. And they have still not called.

I've had it.

And I'm not going to let it go this time.

I think this may be one thing I'm supposed to do--fight the system and change it.

And by cracky, I want to. No one should be treated--or not treated in this case--this way!!! What is wrong with the Medical Establishment that they have stopped health CARE? I think there's a lot going on behind the scenes: the love of money--the fear of lawsuits--the pressure from insurance companies.

The Love of Money
Let's pack as many patients into one day as possible, and "treat" them as quickly as possible. I have so many things going on with me, and so many prescriptions that I have to write things down in order to remember them. My PCP actually told me once I could pick two, that's all she had time for. My mom's dog gets more time at the vet.

The Fear of Lawsuits
They're everywhere on TV: Call the law offices of So-&-So, they'll sue Such-&-Such and get you the settlement you deserve. Doctors are playing the C.Y.A. game--cover your assets. They don't want to get sued, so they do as little as possible to get by with.

The Pressure from Insurance Companies
Insurance companies call the shots. I used to joke with my PCP--when there was time--that I should just go see the insurance company and then they'd let her know what was wrong with me. I'm thinking I might get somewhere quicker if I did just that! But I think the enormous pressure they put on doctors and hospitals is a big reason why CARE has been left out of the health industry.

Well, as I feared, my headache has increased and I'm shaking again so I will need to quit so I can go do what my pharmacist recommended so that my head won't explode from a @#&$@&$ headache no thanks to some lousy doctors. I'm not through, this is wrong. This is so wrong and I can't imagine what it's like to be someone who is gravely ill, what must sub-standard care feel like to someone that desperate? Oh, I don't want to find out, but I know I need to add all of them to my prayer list!

And by the way, I know there must be some awesome doctors out there, but when I consider the nearly dozen I have to deal with for my care...they are SO not around here! And boy, do I wish they were!!!!!

:) Jan