Love, Actually

It's been way too long since I've written. I've been wanting to, but I seem to put it off until late at night and then I'm too tired. I need to write, though, I have much to say.

I've been working on all sorts of things, trying to change my days and ways to make my body and mind work better. It's been good to try different things. I don't know how much is really going to help, but I'm just glad to be trying something different. Don't forget, Franklin said insanity is wanting things to change, but doing the same thing. Well, I may be crazy, but at least I'm not insane...anymore. :)

So, now, onto the title subject: love. It's been on my mind for many reasons and in many ways. Of course, the old standard is love between a man and a woman, and, since I'm a woman, I'm looking for that man to love.... I've been obsessed with it--hence my failed marriage and string of unhealthy relationships. I've been incredibly depressed about it. I've wished for it, hoped for it, and am at a point in my life where I'm looking forward to it, but not not crying or trying because I don't have it.

Now, to say I don't have my eye on someone would be a lie, of course there's a guy I think's really cute and nice, but I'm not obsessing, not stalking, not crying, I'm just here. And he's just there. And that's OK. Yes, I'm getting older, yes I'm alone, but it's not the end of the world, it's not something I'm ashamed of, no I'm not skipping through the fields tossing daisies excited I'm alone, or pretending to be and sobbing behind closed doors, but I'm at a place right now where I'm OK with it. I know that God has a plan, and maybe there's a husband in it, and maybe there's not, but in the meantime I can think somebody's cute and move on.

The love that's really on my mind is the love I have for and from my friends. I have some very special people in my life, and they bless me in so many ways. My heart is warm right now because of something nice my best friend Pablo wrote to me earlier. He said something to me last week that really took my breath away, too. I'm blessed, indeed, with his being in my life. Do we sometimes want to throttle each other? Of course. But we have a covenant relationship.

A covenant relationship is basically the relationship we have with another person that is so strong and binding that virtually nothing will destroy it. It is that relationship that is stated in traditional wedding vows--you know, those words that are said in weddings that people are actually supposed to believe and follow with regards to the other person standing at the altar?

For better or worse,
For richer or poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
As long as we both shall live.

I know when I said it I didn't really mean it about my ex-husband. I meant that I wanted to if he ended up being the person I wanted him to turn into. I would love to be able to say that I meant it about the person that actually stood before me at that time, but I can honestly say that I didn't. And, I didn't take the time to even examine the relationship or the reality of the situation to see that I didn't mean those words. For me, I meant that I would be that wife if he would be the husband I wanted him to be. I knew deep down he couldn't be that man because he wasn't that man. I also knew deep down that I should not marry him. I also knew deep down that I was only marrying him because I wanted to be married, and I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone else that wanted to marry me.

Ouch.

I've thought about the whole situation in depth, and I know that I made the wrong decision in marrying him, I can even pinpoint the exact date and time I knew that I was making a mistake. But I was hellbent on being married because I was afraid that if I didn't do it right then and there, in some big freaking hurry, that I might never get married--I might be alone forever. And that has always been my biggest fear, being alone forever. I forgot to factor in reality to all of that:

• All you need is love--you better make sure that it's REAL love, not infatuation or desperation.
• REAL love worth that kind of commitment tries everything to grow and be better.
• It's better to be alone than to be married to someone you're not supposed to be.
• God really does know what He's doing. Trying to do His job for Him only brings pain.

Will I ever get married again? I have no idea, but if I don't, then so be it. I have myriad people in my life that will ensure that I will never be alone.

Pablo has told me that: he will make sure that I am never alone. I have my mom, my brother and sister-in-law, my extended family, many other friends. Truly, it's that kind of love, that warm-hearted love, that makes every day special. Do I hope that God sends me a husband? Yes, without a doubt. Will I try to force His hand? Not on your life, been there, done that--not gonna' do it, wouldn't be prudent. Will I survive either way? You betcha.

God has blessed me with more love than some people ever have, and more than I could ever deserve, and I'm definitely thankful and humbled by it. I of course know that it's His love that really makes my life complete.

:) Jan

If You Need to Cry, Then Cry

I needed to cry, and now I'm done. I don't know if I'm really that done, I just think I'm tired of doing it. And my eyes are puffy.

Today--well yesterday by now--has been a real roller coaster of emotions. Scared--Worried--Joyful--Excited--I've been through a whole bunch of them, and mostly with my friend Jen.

I talked about Jen in another post, but that was only a tiny glimmer into one of the longest friendships I've had. We've known each other since kindergarten, went to the same grade school & high school, stayed friends through 20s and now 30s, and we're really more like sisters, or even better, really. I don't know that there's anything about me she doesn't know, and she tells me the same. Have you ever seen those little signs: You Will Always Be My Friend, You Know Too Much. Well, that's us. Actually, I have a couple of friends who need that sign....

But truly, we've been into some wild things. We both got divorced about the same time. We hadn't talked for quite some time, but one night I called her out of the blue--something quite uncharacteristic for me as I am bad about calling people--she was busy so I said, "I just wanted you to know I got divorced." And she said, "Me, too!" I think we went out partying that very weekend and many thereafter. I plead the 5th about any details....

So anyway, since New Year's we've both been going through a lot of soul-searching, realizations, and just down-and-out God-things; you know, things that happen that only God can make happen. We've had all sorts of conversations about this world and our place in it, about being better and helping others become better. We've had some very serious religion and Bible conversations, it's been truly amazing. (I'm working on her about the astrology thing.)

But the last couple of days Jen has been dealing with a relationship situation. And it got scary tonight. I don't want to go into specifics, because frankly it's no one's business and not my place to put it out there. But tonight it was scary. We cried together and prayed. The situation got resolved and she was safe. But in all of it we grew even closer together, and more importantly closer to God.

God has plans, and we don't see it. His Word says that all things work together for good for those who love God. He never promised us a rose garden. I think that's one of the problems with religion today, and believe me, I have a lot of problems with religion that gets too religious. It's not about man's rules and rituals, it's about God and His love for us. But anyway, look at a lot of the men in the Bible who followed God: John the Baptist was beheaded, Peter was crucified upside down, John was boiled in oil.... Sound like roses? God's promise is not for a perfect life on earth. His promise is that if we believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ we will be saved, and spend a perfect eternity in bliss with Him. Life with God is no guarantee of life without suffering, it's a guarantee of a heavenly afterlife.

I know I suffer. Jeesh, do I sometimes, more than I think anyone should have to. The pain gets overwhelming. But, I know there's a purpose. Perhaps on this earth I will never know, but someday I many find out that somebody else saw how I dealt with it and so found comfort. Maybe it's here simply to make me stronger. I don't know. Like I said, I don't understand His plans. But does my pain make me love God any less? No. It's not His fault there's pain in the world. Man brought that on himself. Why me? Well, why not me? Like Mother Teresa said, I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much!

But Jen and I really talked about this tonight, and about what it truly means to have God in your life. And when God-things are happening to you, how can you deny that He is working? He definitely brings people and situations into our lives to remind us of who He is and what He's capable of, and that has to be just the tip of the iceberg of what He can do. It's been so cool to watch Him work in our lives and those around us. He's watching over us. And in learning all of these things about Him, we desire more and more to share that love with other people.

Well, I need to quit for now, my headache is back. I believe I'm getting these headaches more frequently and with more severity due to the Tramadol. I used to get migraines pretty bad and often, but hadn't had any for quite some time. But since I started on this fibromyalgia medication I've had quite a few of them, and they're getting more intense. I don't think they're helping with the pain either. I've been shaking, too, but I'm not sure if that's from the med or from low blood sugar. I'm hoping the doctor's office calls me tomorrow and tells me what to do. As hard as it was to get used to the side-effects, I'm sure the withdrawal will be very pleasant as well. Ah, pharmaceuticals, how are they poisoning us? I'm going to take those on, too. But later....

:) Jan

The Return of Weight Watchers

I am fat and I am tired of it. And, I have decided that I will lose weight now.

I am publishing on the WWW for the entire planet to have access, my weight as of yesterday: 274.1 pounds. That number is surreal to me, but it is not the most I have ever weighed. My largest number was 305.6 pounds in January of 2007.

Disgusted? I am. Why did I get to this point? Many reasons and excuses I could give you. Being an insulin-dependent Type II diabetic makes it very difficult. Being on over 22 pills of medication a day makes it difficult. Being a food addict makes it difficult--and let me tell you, I have battled those issues since I was at least 3 and they are deeply ingrained in my actions. Having severe pain from fibromyalgia makes it difficult to want to exercise.

But bottom line, there is no reason I have gotten to this morbidly obese point greater than the fact that I have not used self-control to overcome it. Do I have reasons that losing weight is harder for me than most people? Yes. Just because it's harder, does that mean I should just give up then? Nope.

I can do this. But I need to focus and work at it. There is no room for half-way this time. I have lost weight before, I can do it again. But this time it's for the right reasons.

In the past I have lost weight in order to get a man. My greatest yearning is to be in love with the most wonderful man in the world, the one that I know God has prepared for me. I believe he is out there. But I have always made that my reason to lose weight. I have always felt that a man wouldn't or couldn't love me because I was too fat. I felt like that 100 pounds ago.

Anyway, in 1999 I got down to around 210, which I hadn't weighed in over 5 years. The reason was that I was 25 and decided that I needed a man, needed to be in a relationship, needed to be married. So I lost about 25 pounds and I felt really good. I was exercising, people were noticing. I went on the hunt.

I started going onto free online dating sites. I met some very...interesting...men. Some scary, some boring, some crazy, but that summer I found a man that would love me and so I married him after knowing him about 5 weeks. It was a complete disaster. We didn't know each other at all, he had so many issues from his past, I just wanted to be loved and didn't really love him. Bottom line, I can tell you the actual moment I knew I should just walk away from the situation but decided to marry him anyway.

Of course, I ended up gaining weight after we were married, much more than I had even lost. The more depressed I got, the more I ate, the more I weighed, the more depressed I became, the more I ate.... A vicious cycle. I was diagnosed as diabetic during this time. Looooooooong story short, we divorced in 2001, and me at the weight of about 250.

I have tried to lose weight for men my entire life. I did it in grade school. I remember I would either eat a hot roll or an ice cream bar for lunch, and hardly anything at home. I lost a lot of weight, and of course everybody said I looked great, but I can only imagine the damage I had done to my body, let alone the damage to my psyche. I was still unhappy, even though I was 'skinny'. Anytime a man took notice of me at all I would instantly start to diet and make sure he would know I was losing weight. What a terrible roller coaster it has been.

I am so blessed to see all of this. I spent so many years in denial, in excuses, whatever. Do I think it's going to be easy? No way. I have too many years of incorrect thinking and reacting to overcome for it to come easily. I know that this time. Before I just muddled through hoping I would have it lucky this time. I think I see things much more clearly this time and this will make the difference.

So, my very good friend Eve and I have been talking, and she is successfully doing Weight Watchers. I'm very proud of her. She has lost at least 35 pounds and is feeling better and interacting with her children better. I know she will definitely encourage, motivate and inspire me. I have done Weight Watchers twice before so I know I can do it. I understand the program and it's actually quite easy to follow. The hard part is being honest and real about it.

Today I made some chicken fajita-type stuff and measured out my different components to make sure I was portioning properly--man do we over-portion in this society! Anyway, while measuring out my cheese, one of my favorite foods on earth aside from Reese's peanut butter cups, I had the old urge to make it a 'heaping' 1/4 cup as I would have done in the past. But this time I caught myself and was like, "You are only hurting yourself if you do that and you will fail. If that is your choice, then go ahead and quit now." Believe me, that was a break-through.

I have only eaten once today, which is wrong. I have so many bad habits to change and I need to get on a better schedule. When I did my points for the meal, though, it ended up being almost as much as my minimum for the whole day! I know I need to make much better choices, and I am going to be held back by my lack of money to buy better quality foods, but I will have to work through it. Just because it's hard I can't give up.

That's what I have always done. Too hard? Didn't get the response I wanted? I quit.

Well, not this time. I think I'm getting to the point if I don't change this now I won't have much time left to change it ever. And for crying out loud, at 35 years old, no matter what's been done to me, no matter what has happened, I make the final decision. Well, this time I am deciding to do it. I'm going to screw up, that's certain, but at least I'm screwing it up trying instead of being too lazy or selfish and choosing to fail.

:) Jan